the waiting was truly awful. i spent all day today antsy and on the phone trying to figure out what was going on, but getting nowhere. i slept for shit last night (three hours! maybe four! whoo!) and after i got home mom finally answered the phone and told me what the hell what going on. my uncle passed away at about 8 this morning, with his children and wife by his side. from what i gather, it was as peaceful as it could be.

even though i knew in part of my brain that he wasn't going to get better, the part of me that was still hoping he'd wake up and be fine reacted badly to the news. no matter when someone you love dies; suddenly, or you get some time to anticipate it, you're never really ready, are you?

there are going to be too many women at family holidays now. dammit, guys.

after i got the news, i had a tuna melt with the boychik, then went to bed. i didn't realize how tired i was, and so i read and napped on and off until D got home. there won't be a funeral, per my uncle's wishes, so a party will be organized in it's place. i don't think anyone wants to call it a wake, but that's pretty much what it is. i would just like to hide out in bed for a few more days, but i'm not sure that's an option.

my uncle was awesome. he gave me my first real job, at his bead store. he helped me pick out my first car. he was funny and smart and had a wicked sense of humor. he was madly in love with my aunt. he was my pop's best friend. they met in the navy and cobbled together a family; both were far away from their own, but saw something in each other that they recognized. i don't remember he or my aunt not being a part of my life. they've always been supportive of me, and it always made me so proud that we got to be part of the same family. uncle john always made me feel smarter, and way more talented than i probably am. when i was a teenager, he and my aunt were the grown-ups i looked to for overt advice and guidance. you know how when you're that age and everything your parents say is wrong and dumb and retarded, but you've got an aunt and uncle who can say the same thing and suddenly it doesn't seem so moronic? that was them. when my father passed, my uncle was the most reasonable about it, and oddly comforting. he told me that he knew it sucked, that he knew i was sad and miserable and missing him, but that death was a part of life and that he knew my dad, and knew he was happy with how he had lived his life. he did shots of tequila with me in the kitchen and told me i was going to be okay, and i believed him.

i was okay then, and i'll be okay now, but it doesn't mean i won't miss the hell out of both of them.