Monday, December 27, 2010

i have a house full of quiet

sigh...D and the kids went to a co-worker's going-away, farewell, bon voyage party, and i opted to stay home.  technically, it's a party for two of his co-workers, one of whom i like, the other one...not so much.  plus, and this sounds Catty, capital C, but he never accompanies me to any work functions, and yet i've met every one of his co-workers, and sometimes that seems a little unfair to me. 

it's nice to have a quiet house for a few hours as well.  i took a whole week off work, and now i kind of wonder if that was the best idea i've ever had.  i need to pick a project (or three) to work on, so i don't go stir-crazy.  my pants feel kind of tight, so taking some walks sound like a good idea (dear xmas, screw all your delicious fatty food!), and maybe i'll finally (FINALLY) clean out and organize my sewing/craft/computer room.  i have some stuff that should go in the mail, some that should go to the thrift store, endless expanses of things that need to be dusted or vacuumed or washed, so finding things to occupy me shouldn't be too difficult.

to be perfectly honest, i had a terrible dream last night and woke up on the wrong side of the bed.  everything is rubbing me the wrong way.  i also miss my dad, and i miss my uncle.  holidays are weird now without them and while i love my mom and aunt, i love D and the kids, i love D's folks and siblings and nieces and nephews, there's just something missing.  plowing through this holiday i just pretended everything was fine and i was okay, but now that i have three minutes alone, i feel...bad.  i think all the weird and stressful dreams are just my brains way of letting off some steam, but waking up every morning with a clenched jaw and roiling stomach has gotten old.  i think while i have some time alone, maybe i'll take a nice long bath, listen to some music, have a good old fashioned cry.  i think i just need to get it out of my system.  i'm sorry, i think now i'm rambling.  i'm not a great big emotional mess, i promise.  i think it just occurred to me that maybe putting my head down and powering through was good for a while but maybe isn't a healthy long-term solution. 

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