Tuesday, February 04, 2014
when i got home from my awesome new haircut, i put on some makeup and took some photos! i like the idea of selfies as self-love. it's nice to remind myself that i can be cute!
work is seriously stressing me out, which is hilarious because work has been seriously stressing me out for a while now. i can't decide if this stress is going to be worth it in the long run, in working on my "career*" or if it's just going to grind me down into a semi-nutritive paste to be consumed by The Man. ugh. work has always been a means to an end, and the end was always just paying rent and having money for goofing off and travel and time to do the things i really love doing. work as a product in and of itself is kind of foreign to me. i also struggle with how much of my time and energy and emotion i put into work, when i'm not sure that what i'm doing is of particular importance. life is short, and i'll be dead, and who will really care if i adjusted some insurance claims? i feel like what's honestly important is to spend time with the people i love, keep myself and them happy, create art of any and all kinds. write and draw and paint and sew and knit, read books and listen to music, support other artists and craftsmen, go out and have new experiences: that's what's important. i do less of that when i'm stressed out about work deadlines and how there are not enough people to handle the work load, and how there's so much freaking pressure to have the right answer, right away.
to try to work with my stress, instead of fighting against it, i'm taking time every day to write in a paper journal about how i feel, and jot down my dreams after i wake up. i find the act of just writing for a bit every day, just to write, is good for me. i help clear my brain out, and makes it easier to sleep. i'm trying to be kind toward myself, and not hold myself up to exceeding high standards. i'm trying to be flexible and open and sometimes just work instead of worrying that i'm wasting my life on a job instead of being the next lynda barry or aline kominsky crumb, or any of the other artists i admire so much. even if i had all the time in the world to devote to "higher" callings, i'd still find something to worry and fret about. grass is always greener, and all that jazz.
*i can't use that term with a straight face yet. i know it's ridiculous to be 36 and feel so strange about the trappings of what i think of as adulthood. i'm deeply uncomfortable with the notion that i am actually a grown-up. the kids, the husband, the mortgage, the job...i often feel like i'm play-acting. is that because i'm spoiled and terrible and lazy? is it just me being neurotic? at the same time, i'm kind of proud of being the adult i am, and feel like focusing on career goals is the right thing to do right now. i feel like it's time. it's also challenging for me, which is good. i need something tough to push me out of my comfort zone.