Saturday, March 10, 2012

jolly time

i went grocery shopping with my sister after work yesterday, because we work together and right next door to a grocery store, and she said the strangest thing.  we were driving over there (just because we're next door doesn't mean we can roll our carts through the woods to our work parking lot!) and i was telling her some story about the tea the kids are loving and she interrupted me saying, "i don't know what it is, but you're always so cheerful. are you just really happy? i mean, you just seem so...jolly all the time."  she went on to say, "it's not like you were ever a serious debbie downer, but i don't know, maybe it's D and the kids, but you've just been so...happy lately. maybe i didn't notice it before?"

maybe.  i wasn't sure what to say.  yeah, i am happy.  i've been happy for quite a while.  i have a nice little family that i love to come home to, i have a husband who isn't just funny and smart and good-looking, but who makes dinner a lot of the time.  i like my job, even on the days i don't, because there's always something new to learn and it's taught me how to just be in the moment better.  you have to just let go of a call the minute you hang up, because no matter how rad or terrible that call was, the next call is a new person, with new issues, and a new attitude.  i am lucky enough to amazing in-laws who helped my family and me move into a great house.  i'm growing things that hopefully we'll get to eat later this summer.  i have time to make things i like, do some knitting, watch dumb cartoons on netflix.

of course, i think she hasn't noticed what's been going on in my life for a while.  she's got her own things going on, and while some of them are happy and fun and rad, some of it isn't.  i made a choice a while ago to distance myself from her because she's kind of negative.  also, she's not usually so nice to me. i think in her mind she thinks that you can treat your family however you want, because they have to love you, they have to hang around, they have to forgive you.  that is a nice idea, and i'm all for unconditional love, because after all, there isn't a time i can conceive of that i wouldn't actually love her, but that doesn't mean i always like her and/or have to put up with her being an asshole.  you know, the first two years i dated D, she never spoke to him.  she didn't acknowledge him when we came over to visit, she hardly looked at him.  if she had a problem with him, she wasn't telling me about it, and she was acting like a jerk.  when i told her i was getting married the first thing she said was "when?" and when i told her, the second thing out of her mouth was, "well, that ruins my wedding plans."  during my wedding she pouted the whole time, ignored my new in-laws and left early because she wasn't feeling good, then posted her party pictures of her and her "bestie" out drinking in the city all night.  she doesn't let me babysit my niece because i'm not trustworthy enough.  she says awful things, all the time, and just doesn't seem to notice or care that they're hurtful.

if it didn't hurt my mom's feelings so much, i would probably have less to do with her than i do.  that, and my niece. i love that kid.  i've been trying to get us to a place in our relationship that's kind of neutral and easy-going, and i think for the most part i'm doing okay. i think what made the conversation we had yesterday stand out for me was how surprised she sounded that i was happy. how her tone was almost sneering.  like happy is something to apologize for, to hide, to be ashamed of.  i worked hard for this, and i'm not sorry i'm happy.  i'm not going to downplay it. i'm not even going to explain it anymore.  she'll always be my sister, and i'm honest when i say i love her and wish nothing but the best for her, but at the same time, i have a life and family of my own and am okay with us not being as close as we were as kids.  it sucks, but that's just the way it is.  

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