Sunday, September 29, 2013

is it just me?

or do other people feel guilty when they come home, eat dinner, goof off on the computer/tv/netflix and then go to bed? i struggle with wanting to just relax when i get home, sometimes do nothing, but feel guilty if i'm not "working" on something.

i always put "working" in quotes when i talk about being at home and working on projects.  knitting, sewing, quilting, painting, drawing, whatever; it's "work." it's what i actually really like doing, not my job.  i call it work because it's important to me, even though it does not pay the bills.

at the same time, i spend huge amounts daily devoted to thinking and working at my job, and so why shouldn't i just chill out after work? or on the weekends? yesterday i did nothing but read and watch tv and it felt great, but i felt guilty at the same time.  where does this guilt come from? i was a terrible catholic, so i don't get it.  my therapist says that i need to try to be nicer to myself, and also more honest about my feelings.  it's a drag, but it is kind of helping. 

there just isn't enough time, and i think at the heart of it all is that i feel bad not trying to do all of the things i love, every day.  thinking and working at my job are one thing, but coming home and  "working," making something from nothing, creating, is what actually makes me feel good. i need my paycheck, but i'd probably go nuts just coming home and having nothing else to do.

today i started and actually finished a quilt top.  getting set up for the sewing and doing the cutting and pressing always takes the most time. it looks like i'm just poking around for hours, then suddenly! boom! quilt top! 

as usual, i did not use a pattern, just kind of made it up as i went along.  i might try pinning it all together tonight, or doing that later this week.  we'll see!  normally i try not to make baby quilts too pink or blue, but this flowered fabric has been staring at me for years, and a friend of mine just had a baby girl.  i think it will be perfect for her. 

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