this might sum things up nicely

today at work we had this kind of awkward impromptu pot-luck thrown for us because we built this web tool that people use at work.  the food was good, but it was a bunch of people who usually sit alone at their desks during lunch trying to talk to each other for over half an hour. 

at one point i made some joke about how my sister is a pop-tart connoisseur, and how i can always count on her to point me in the direction of awesome toaster pastries.  the peanut butter pop-tart is truly sublime.  then i mention if she's good at pop-tarts, i am good at hot dogs. then i say, "i keep thinking getting a hot dog tattoo sounds fun."

three people waste no time at all telling me what a terrible idea this is.  i tell them i've made worse decisions, and it's not like i'd get it tattooed on my FOREHEAD.  i just like hot dogs. they have happy memories for me.  a tiny hot dog tattoo some place on my body would crack me up. 

sometimes though i realize that everyone is so fucking serious and i just don't care as much. everyone spent all lunch talking about how that cheesecake looked amazing but was soooo bad for you.  yeah, sure.  BORING. cheesecake is delicious.  eating something terrible for you won't kill you.  sometimes food is pleasure and fun and some of us are fat and happy and who the fuck cares if cheesecake is fatty? is this really what we all want to talk about? how many calories are in a food? ugh. 

the long and the short of it is this: people are dumb and food is good and if you want to get a unicorn tattooed on your ass, i'll pitch in five bucks.  life is short. 

true story

once a year, in the fall, i dye my hair black.  no one ever notices.  it's close to my natural color, i don't get roots, but it calms down the red bits from the summer, and covers my greys up for a little while. 

other things i do in the fall; switch to dark nail polishes (damn i love a purple so dark it looks black at first), have pumpkin lattes, buy more pencils than i will ever use (they go on sale and i love a new pack of perfect pencils), stock up on ridiculous halloween supplies, and spend more time baking and in the kitchen.  the thing about the pacific northwest is that summer comes late, and when it does, making the kitchen hotter with any kind of cooking is the worst.  we are just ill-equipped with being too hot.  i like finally getting back in there after being kicked out by the weather for a while. 

fall will always feel more like the "new year" to me than any other time of the year. 

while catching up on blogs

i came upon a shout-on over at sarah's blog!  she very kindly called me a versatile blogger, which is awesome, and came at just the right time because honestly, i feel super boring lately.  a blog is primarily a "hey this is what's going on in my head" kind of endeavor, but none of us would blog if we didn't enjoy having readers, right?  essentially it boils down to this; yes, a lot of what i write is just ho-hum, i did this today and blah blah blah, not a big deal, but i like having readers.  what makes this blog different from a regular paper journal/diary is that i get feedback from people.  some of them i know in real life, some i don't.  either way, it feels enormously good to hear, "yeah, i feel that way too," or "i get it."  in one way or another, isn't almost every comment a "yeah, me too" sort of comment?  the satisfaction that comes from writing something, explaining an emotion/day/scenario in a way that makes someone else recognize the same in their own life is one of my favorite things.  which is a long-winded way of saying, oh sarah! thank you.  and now on to five little known facts about me,

1. until earlier this week, i honestly thought my cat just had one hole to do all her business out of.  which, for someone who studied animals in college, has had a cat for more than a few years, and is normally not a retard, is pretty embarrassing to admit.  i think part of me did not want to think about my cat having lady parts, and part of me just only ever saw kitten butthole.  after i said that out loud, as in, "what? doesn't lulu only have the one hole?" i immediately knew i was wrong. and now the boychik and D call everything they think is a dumb a "one hole."  for a smart girl, sometimes i am really dense.
2. i stayed out way past my curfew once with a boyfriend in high school, and when i got home, my dad was furious and accused me of "losing my cherry."  OUT LOUD.  i was 15, and had no idea what "cherry" meant, but was humiliated and freaked out nonetheless.  for one thing, i had never had a curfew before he stopped going out to sea, and whenever i'd been super late before, mom always waited until the next morning to yell at me, and so the whole situation was seriously bizarre.  what makes this worse is that sometimes when i miss my dad so much i feel like my ribs are going to cave in and suffocate me, i think about that, and it makes me feel better.  secretly (or not so secretly now) this makes me feel like a bad daughter, but as much as i loved my pop, it helps to remember the times when he was kind of a dick.  
3. i feel uncomfortable around "real" indians because i'm just a half-breed (even less than that!) and not indian enough.  as much as i enjoy going to the rez and hanging out with my cousins, i don't mention being native out loud to a lot of people because i don't feel nearly indian enough.  i have a weird relationship with my ethnicity, and vacillate between being proud and/or indignant, and afraid to say it out loud because i look like a nice italian girl.  you know, even though i'm not even remotely italian. 
4. until i met D, i was super embarrassed about my feet.  i was convinced they were the ugliest feet on earth, and no amount of googling photos of "hammertoe" made me feel better.  but D thought they were adorable and in some way he made me feel better.  i can't tell you exactly how he did it, but one day i was in the shower and i thought, "he might be right, they might not be hideously deformed."  what a nice thing he did, without even trying.  
5. i have very, very mild eczema in a few places, but every patch i get i worry and pick at until it's the grossest thing on earth.  to whit; my belly button has been weirdly dry and crusty for over a year, because the moment it almost heals all the way, i get back in there and pick some more.  i'm like sarah with scabs, only a million times worse.  my belly button is so gross!  no one would drink champagne out of it.  D even said that once, and while it made me sad, i understood.  me and my dry skin are not good friends.  

i don't think all of my "little known" facts needed to be so gross and shameful, but there you go!  i'm supposed to pass this on to other bloggers, but truth be told, being so honest made me sleepy, so i'll get to that part later.  go to bed!  what are you doing up so late? are you busy losing your cherry?!  i'll kick that boy's ass if i find him....

hair

I am going to cut all my hair off! I hate it. And i hate the world, i mean customers.

you are right

i wasted too much time even thinking about the ex, and now i am done. done! i wash my hands of the whole thing. went back to blocking him and ignoring him. a few years from now, when he tries this again, i'll do the same thing right away to avoid all this stupid angst. yay!

today is my first whole day off in 8 days! i already slept through a big chunk of it, so now i'm going to get in the shower and get this party started. i have some sewing to do, and a hat pattern to transcribe. i should also put away my clothes, take some to the salvation army, return some knitting needles that i bought on accident (already had that size at home!), dye my hair, do the dishes, start going through my stuff and getting rid of some of it since we are moving next month, etcetera, etcetera. damn. maybe i'll just go back to bed.

more myspace fun!

the ex keeps writing. i ignored every email except the third, because i started feeling guilty but then i just sent him a teensy less-than-a-paragraph note. then he actual said, and this is a quote:

P.S. I figured if I tried to contact you enough you would finally talk to me. :-)

i am so annoyed. i pointed this out to him, but he shrugged it off. which is basically what he did every time i asked him not to do something while we were dating. he'd listen thoughtfully, pretend to care, then go right back to doing what he did. like he used to always pee while i was in the shower. i hated that. weird, i know, but it drove me crazy. i always asked if he had to pee before i got in the shower, but he would always say "no" then pee while i was showering. i figured it was just because he liked a little peek in the morning, which was fine with me! i even said, "go ahead and come in and bug me, but pee before i get in there or after. not during!" the "hi, howya doin?" poke of the head into the shower was not the annoying thing, i just did not like it mixed in with pee. i finally quit asking because he never listened. every conflict we ever had essentially ended the same way. me asking nicely, me trying to be an ass about it, me pleading, then finally just giving up.

he just doesn't see why i don't think we'll be friends. i remember telling him when we were breaking up for the final time that he didn't have to understand why i felt that way, that just because he didn't get something didn't mean it meant any less to me. i was a total and complete ass after a while because he wouldn't stop calling. i changed my phone number, i sent back things he tried to send to the house, i got a new email address. thanks to the internet it's easier to be found than i'd like. if he were a real stalker, or if i honestly hated him (which i don't) i would have done a better time disappearing. the thing is, i thought he's just get it and leave me alone. i wouldn't want to talk to someone who was obviously uncomfortable talking to me, i wouldn't push a point knowing that the other person felt a completely opposite way. i assumed that enough time would pass and he'd move on to other things. after all, he's got a girlfriend, he's got a life, he's not lacking for buddies. i was not his first or most important relationship, i don't understand why he feels the need to constantly poke his head into my life.

him getting back in touch with me was good in that it made me remember how irritating he can be. how insulated he is, and how smug his whole "i knew i could beat you down" tone can be. he knew i'd talk to him, i'll give him credit for that, just like he probably knows i'll go right back to ignoring him.

myspace confessional

an ex-boyfriend found me on myspace. i'm sure he'd found me a long time before he sent me a message, after all i'd found him once and was only half-assed looking. (what can i say? about some things i'm morbidly curious!) i'm not sure why he sent me a message, and i'm not sure why i answered. as you all know, i have some pretty strict rules concerning interactions with ex's. the main being, i don't.

i've been accused of being cold and mean when people find out about my no-contact rule, but it's a choice i made a long time ago to simplify my life. that makes me sound like i have a lot of ex's, but that's not true! i just think that if you aren't friends to start with, trying to be friends after a romantic relationship is over just doesn't work that well (if at all) dated. the thing for me is that i just don't like the . boyfriends have a lot of friendly qualities, but aren't exactly friends. not for me. i like my friends and my relationships to be separated: i don't want my boyfriend to be my best friend, i think that's kind of an unfair amount of pressure to put on one person. i don't think this is a bad thing, although i've heard pretty often that i'm horrible and completely unsentimental, which no one could accuse me of if they saw the stacks of letters and notes and detritus i keep from just about every boy i'vedated. i don't like the awkwardness of having to shift gears from one type of relationship to another, and i also don't like having to explain to the new guy who the old guy is and why i want him around. i've also only ever been in one or two serious relationships, and they weren't with guys that i wanted to be friends with.

this is one of those guys. we were fairly serious, we were together longer than i was with anyone else, and he was honestly the first boy i ever seriously thought about marrying. he was a good guy, we had a comfortable little life, and i could look at him and see him fitting into my family. we had lots of other issues, though, and in the end it just wasn't going to work. he wanted to stay friends, and i made it pretty clear that i wasn't interested. he's tried to get in touch with me a few times since then, but i kept all our interaction minimal and superficial, and always ended up asking him to stop, leave me alone. then i get this message from him on myspace and thought, "why not?" maybe it will be good for me to chit chat with him a little, to make him real again, instead of relying on old, fuzzy memories of him. maybe i'm too ridgid, maybe i should try this whole "being friends with ex's" thing that others talk about. also, lately i've felt like i romanticize him, like i have this idea about our relationship that leaves out all the bad and annoying stuff. at the same time, i'm irritated that he keeps ignoring me when i ask him (nicely) to just get the hint and drop it. this time, though, i'm totally responsible for him sending me more messages. if i didn't want to talk to him now i should have just deleted his email. plus! he asked to be my myspace friend and it seemed way too shitty to say no. so now we are fake-internet friends who dated once for years. great! once again, i am a total hypocrite!

the whole thing weirds me out. on one hand, i do kind of miss him and wouldn't mind talking to him a little. on the other hand, we'll never really be friends and so why keep this up? i don't want to know all about his new girlfriend, when i go home to visit i don't want to see him, and while he was a big part of my life for a while, he isn't now. i don't like dwelling on the past, and even though i'm guilty of that more often than i'd like to be, i like to think i'm pretty good at cutting ties and moving on. would this be any easier for me if i had a boyfriend of my own? admittedly, i feel kind of like a loser that he's got a girlfriend and i'm terminally single. at the same time, i don't exactly want a boyfriend of my own, so why am i comparing myself to him? just because i'm single doesn't mean i'm a complete loser, it doesn't mean i'm lonely and pathetic. i might be, but he doesn't know that for sure.

i know i'm over-thinking this. i know the whole thing is retarded and i shouldn't have spent this much time telling you about it. i don't even know why i feel funny about the whole thing. i just do.

make my face

today i was searching for my little electric flosser, and ran into a whole bunch of things in my make-up bag that i don't use anymore but can't get rid of. i was sitting there and looking through my make-up and reminiscing and then wondering if any other women do the same thing. make-up is a weird thing, we buy it for aesthetic reasons (mostly) but after you use them they become strange emotional talismans. here's what i hold on to and why.
this is a ridiculous eyeshadow; it was completely overpriced, it's a crazy color, and the packaging is fantastic. i admit sometimes i buy certain things because i like the way they look. it's usually a box of tea, or a shampoo at the grocery store with a cool bottle, or a beer because of the label. this, however, was sent to me by my sister for a birthday one year. it actually looks better on than you might think, although i don't wear it often. in fact, i do believe it's been over a year since i last put it on. (that might change tomorrow, though.) my sister is a lot more adventurous when it comes to make-up, and as much as i know she loves me, she's always trying to get me to wear more make-up, take more time doing my hair in the morning, and shaping my eyebrows. this was one of her attempts at girly-ing me up, and i was touched by the amount she spent on this eyeshadow. that's why i keep it.
this little quad of creme eye shadows was a staple in my make-up routine for a whole year in college. i like me in purples, and because it was creamy i could just smudge a little around my eyes and go. i don't wear these at all anymore, but when i see the little case i think about the apartment i lived in, my little walk to school every day, and i can smell the building where i had all of my classes. it was arntzen hall, and it smelled like old chalk, drywall, and wet jackets.
a device that is supposed to help me make herringbone braids in my hair. as much as i try, i cannot do anything but regular old Pocahontas braids down the sides of my face. i can't french braid, i can't herringbone, i can't even do one big braid down the back! this thing did not work, but i can't get rid of it because it holds the possibility of being able to braid my hair in a fancy manner. i keep thinking i'm getting it wrong, that if i can just figure out how to use this then i will always have good hair. i have all this hair, hair i won't cut anymore, but i don't do anything with it. i may as well buy myself a huge pair of breasts then wear only XXL sweatshirts.
this is some solid perfume from the gap, from about 7 years ago. it's not the same color it was when i bought it, it isn't very strong anymore, and i don't wear it. when i bought it i loved that it was a solid, and i carried it with me for touch-ups throughout the day. when i smell it now i remember one of my favorite years on bellingham, when i was living with my best friend from high school downtown, within walking distance of all the bars. we had a huge trampoline where we made out with many boys, i ate a lot of frozen pot stickers that year, and every single morning for breakfast i had a bagel. that year i got my first tattoo and my septum pierced. i always smelled pretty.
i bought this lipgloss in a sephora under the louvre. it's kind of sticky, and i don't wear it often, but dude. i bought it in france, under the museum that's home to the mona lisa. i might never throw this away.
before i went back to glasses for good as a graduate student i wore a lot of eye make-up. well, i wore a lot more than i do now. i favored bright eye pencils that i could smudge around my eyes (i only use shadows i can smudge because my look is, at best, haphazard, and at some point i will rub my eyes and smudge it anyway), and i loved the blue one because it was just so dumb. the green was cute, and the yellow is more gold when it goes on. honestly though, even though i don't wear these very often anymore, they accurately reflect my entire attitude toward fashion and make-up: the funnier, the better. semi-retarded and sort-of out of date? then i'll take two, please.