speed and i are not friends,

but i need the sudafed because whatever is growing in my sinuses has a voracious appetite for pain. the longest i went between doses today was 8 hours, and near the end i didn't want any more, i wanted to sleep (amend that to present tense, dear, i want to sleep), but the pain in my head was too much. i took some, and now i am awake, my heart is jackrabbity, and i actually said the following things out loud today while dosed:

"my brain is all fertile with creative shit!"
"what a nice young juggalo."
"guess who's a landowner, bitches?!"

i went to work today which was good for me a in lot of ways. money being way #1. it wasn't terribly taxing, and now i'm back into my long weekend. for some reason my schedule was wonky, and the other patient coordinator was on deck for tomorrow. i could use the day to recoup; while i didn't die at work, or even pass out, i have hours that feel okay if sleepy, hours of crazy sped-up me after the little red pills, and that ridiculous "i'm too hot!" or "i'm too cold!" argument going on with my body. i discovered that another coworker had this same ailment, and while he was a lot tougher than me and worked right through most of it, the weird body-temp thing and aches stay around for a while. hooray.

i do have all sorts of creative ideas a' brewing up in my head. i can't get the new broken bell's song out of my head, so at night after everyone else is in bed and i'm still up, i listen to it on repeat on youtube and work on stuff. most of what i'm working on at the moment is just planning stages stuff, and to be honest, most of it is wedding stuff. working out what we need to get, what i want to do, time lines and lists and sketches! such fun stuff. the house is too full of unorganized things that are right in the way and threatening to trip, maim or infect us for me to do much at the moment; i'm hoping tomorrow i can at least get boxes into the garage, and start the giant "garage sale" pile.

late tonight D and i snuck out to jack in the box for chicken tenders, to go with our wing sauce (of course), and the nice young man who helped us had a name tag on that said "juggalo." part of the reason we like that jack in the box so much is that the night crew is ridiculous and funny and genuinely seem to enjoy that weird shift, and you see the most interesting kids there. D and i argued about whether or not our fine young juggalo looked like a little steve perry or no, and while i say the world would be a better place with a little more steve perry in general, D didn't see it. then i told him about this extremely NSFW clip on the youtubes concerning juggalos just today that sort of made our being served by Mr. Juggalo seem like fate.

before the high wears off, i did indeed become a landowner today as i inherited some land on the rez from my pop. actually, it's on more than one rez, but all in one state. pop said there was maybe enough there for him to be buried standing up, but evidently my half is almost 300 acres. way to undersell it pop! no word yet on whether it's inhabitable, valuable, or what our options are. i know he didn't make money on it, but i also don't recall him having to pay taxes on it. being that i am not a very good indian, i honestly don't know much more than that at this point, i just like bragging about how much land i own. even if it's swamp land or a parcel of hell, it's mine, and it's got an impressive number on it. more research needs to be done!

i'm going to go lie wide awake next to D now for a while until his snoring drives me to the couch. normally the snoring doesn't bug me, but while on cold medication i find it unbearable. mainly because it's like his nose bragging that he can't sleep and i can't. sleep tight my darling juggalos. (and you too!)

packing and unpacking all sorts of baggage

today was my pop's birthday. i remember last year he didn't want to celebrate; he kind of blew us all off, and when my sister tried to at least make a dinner out of it, he shot her down and she was pretty pissed. if we'd known then that he only had a month to live, would things have been different? i guess that's why we don't know. reasonably, i know that's how it should be, but i can't help but wonder and wish i'd done more for his birthday.

this year i was supposed to see my mom and sister and have dinner in pop's honor at his favorite little restaurant in coupeville, the tyee. he always got the fish and chips and an MGD, draught. i couldn't go, thanks to this retched cold/flu/plague i have. it would have been nice.

as it is, i spent the day alternately napping, sweating, and opening up random boxes to see what i had in them. i've always known i take a lot of photos, but my pre-digital days gives those photos an actual heft and physical space. i found more than a few photos of pop, and honestly, being able to hold a photo in your hand feels totally different than looking at it on a computer screen. i think i'd forgotten that. i'm sad. it's been almost a year now, and while i don't feel like i'm being punched in the gut all the time anymore, i don't feel great. there were more than a few changes in the past year, and there's a part of me that's still reeling from that, and a part of me that's gotten a whole lot better at adapting. at this point, however sad i feel, i can see things getting better. let's face it, the past few years i've been in a bit of a funk, and i've acquired a couple of bad habits that i'm going to need to kick. sugar and TV being high up on my list. i'd do anything to have pop back, but not having him, and losing him so suddenly, shook me up. i don't want to waste any more time. i don't want any more boxes of stuff languishing for years, i don't want to keep getting rounder and unhappier with my body, i don't want to be afraid to put down roots and deal with grown-up shit, i don't want to be who i am right now. which isn't to say that i'm entirely unhappy with myself, but i know i can do better. looking at those photos, looking at the life i'd built at one time, before i started doubting myself and everything else, made me realize in very clear terms what's changed in my life. i think the more i've tried to mold my life into what i think the "right" thing to do is, what i "should" be doing, the farther away from me i've become.

perhaps this is all hocus pocus, sinus-infection, ramblings of a sickly woman, but i might also be onto something. more making, less talking. more doing and creating and enjoying, and less living up in my own head, analyzing every damn thing to death. more! thank you. i'll be taking my sudafed and heading to bed now.

please make it stop hurting

dear lord, my body aches. i have some sort of cold that is kicking my ass. it started monday night; right after we got home from getting my stuff out of storage (!!!). my back had been hurting me for a few days, and i thought maybe all the lifting and moving had just exacerbated it, until i got the wicked chills. for the past 24 hours it's felt like my body can't regulate its own body temp; for the first 12 or so hours i couldn't get warm. there i was on the couch, in sweatpants, with long socks, a t shirt and a hoodie sweatshirt on, laying on a heating pad and cuddling a hot water bottle, covered in three blankets, and i was still cold. yesterday afternoon that broke and i couldn't stop sweating for a few hours. a tepid bath helped calm that down, but now i'm at a point where i'm too hot if i'm under the covers, but if i so much as a poke a hand out i'm covered in goosepimples. what the fuck. my bones ache. the skin over my bones aches. i'm terribly thirsty. my sinuses are so packed with god-knows-what that if i tilt my head forward i get that lovely blinding pain behind my eyes. in short, i'm pretty sure i'm dying. it got so bad yesterday i actually called my coworker to see if he thought i should go to the ER. he didn't; evidently he had something a lot like this with more coughing a few weeks ago. ugh.

but you know, if any of these symptoms seems freaky to you and you have a different opinion, feel free to let me know.

in the meantime, i'm busy either sleeping on the couch or in bed. our living room is packed to the gills with all my stuff, which is now, once and for all, out of storage. mousies got into some of it, but i don't think the damage is too bad. if we all get the hanta virus, though, i'm going to be pissed. the kids have been having a grand old time going through my stufff; they think it's cool and have been showing it all to their friends. it's very sweet and touching. they've also been huggy and sweet to me; making sure i have jello and juice and asking me how i am every half hour. such nice kids. i got really lucky.

sitting up for almost an hour has drained me. i was hoping to go to work today, but i don't think it's going to happen. it's also my pop's birthday, and i wanted to go have dinner with my mom tonight as well. damn you cold. i guess i'll wait and see how i feel and go from there. i think right now, though, i need to be back on the couch with the cat.

it's a good thing mom got rid of those medical encyclopedias

because for the past three days i've been thirstier than usual, and at 3 a.m. this morning i realized i might have diabetes. or i might have been eating meals with sodium contents the equivalent of a bovine salt lick. or something else not life-threatening. i'm such a weirdo.

i'm also going to go look for some new eyeglasses today, which thrills me. i love buying new glasses! i also think i need a little amanda-time, and no one likes tagging along with someone buying glasses, so i've just assured myself a few hours alone. there are some betsey johnson frames i saw at costco that i love, but they might be a little too funky for everday wear. i think doing some more looking won't hurt, and if it just reaffirms my love for all things betsey, then that is okay too.

tomorrow we're renting a truck and getting all my stuff out of storage! i haven't seen anything in there in over two years; to say i'm excited is an understatement. sure, most everything in there i could have re-purchased for far less than i spent on the goddamn storage fees, but there are things in there that i couldn't buy. like some of my pop's teeth, as well as my own wisdom teeth. my creepy homemade dolls. my terrible artwork. my tiny formica table. all the yarns and fabrics! my cameras. my journals full of teen angst. ooh, i can hardly wait. this week will be one of massive does of nostalgia. watch out.

proof that i really have no idea what i'm doing

the girlchild took up basketball. in a lot of ways this is awesome; she's learning the ropes, getting to run around like a crazy kid a few hours a week, working out team dynamics, and having a good time. she's also a competitve girl, and i think sports are a great way for her to express that.

the thing is, i really hate basketball. all by itself, it's not a sport i enjoy, in any way; watching, playing, or hearing about it, i just hate it. while i'm all for taking her to practice and going to games, i find myself all jaw clenchy and irritated by the time they're done. the incessant smacking of the ball against the wood floor, the shrieks of pre-teen girls, all the "likes" and "ums" and older teen sisters talking about stupid shit and wearing the same skinny jeans and converse...it's all very, very annoying to me. i bring my knitting with me, so i have something to work on, and if i have to go to practice i listen to my ipod. i find it hard to feign interest in the game, and trying to remain supportive and smiley is hard work at times.

she knows i don't love basketball, but i do make sure to let her know that if she digs it, that's all i need to know. i'll take her to games and practice, make sure her little uniform is clean, and have dinner ready for her early, but is it so wrong to wish she was a mathlete?

why did the mean pea cross the road?

to use up all my health insurace!

okay, not really. in mean pea news: i saw another orthopedist, and he told me that indeed, there was more messed up in my hand than simply a ganglion cyst. however, he was pretty sure that my messed up palm wasn't dupuytren's contracture. it's more of a generalized fascia contracture, meaning that for some reason the tissue in that area of my palm is scarring and thickening, causing pain and pressure. dupuytren's usually occurs under or around a tendon, though, resulting in an awesome claw hand, and my fascia contracture seems to be not affecting the tendons of my hand. it's totally beginning to press upon my carpal tunnel, though. whoo! hence the burning pain down my wrist and occasional hand weakness.

he told me that they could operate on my hand and get rid of the pea and try to reduce the scarring and thickness of my palm. he also told me that the surgery to get rid of the scar tissue often just causes a lot more scar tissue, and that one of the only ways to allieviate that was to leave me with an open fucking incision (i added the f-bomb), and let the scar work it's way up through my flesh and heal there. my hand wouldn't be a claw, but it would be all frankenstein-y. because the mean pea showed up after the fascia contracture, he thinks they're related, and just going in and removing the pea probably won't do that much good, since it will most likely grow back, only bigger and meaner this time.

what does all this mean? it means that the appointment the ortho made with the hand surgeon i cancelled. honestly, three doctor's appointments in as many weeks used all pretty much all of my health care benefits for the year. the kids better not get polio, is all i'm saying. from everything i've read and everything the doctor's have told me, my best bet is to wait until my hand becomes an unbearable nightmare, and then operate on it. in the meantime, i'm still working it out, still knitting and typing and making sure not to bump the mean pea into anything because that hurts like a sonofabitch, still a bit achey, but glad i at least know what's going on. the mean pea is relieved to know he gets to hang around for a few more years, and now i have a lot of medical terminology to throw around like i know what it means. we all win a little! although i think the pea makes out best in this situation. asshole.

lesson in FAIL

i guess this morning i thought it would be really fun to be uncomfortable all day. i put on a pair of shoes that are pretty uncomfortable; they haven't been properly broken in, and on top of that they're heavy. right this second they are pinching my toes and heel as well as weighing 85 pounds. i'm also wearing my new contacts, which are uncomfortable on so many levels. for one, my face is all naked. when i see myself in the mirror all i can think is "damn! that's a lot of face!" there are no glasses to push up my nose, so when i try, i end up poking myself around the bridge of my nose. the prescription is also new, leaving me feeling slightly seasick. the ground keeps coming up to meet me, and my stupid heavy feet aren't quick enough to get out of the way. if i somehow manage to not trip over myself today it will be a miracle.

the good news is that i got to sleep in this morning until 7 a.m. and that, my friends, was awesome.

aaah! i'm naked!

if you thought you were going to get to see boobs, sorry! that should have said, "aaah! my face is naked!" had a visit with the nice eye doctor at costco (if you have a membership i would like to highly recommend their services; not too expensive, they took my insurance, and the eye doc i got was surprisingly bullshit free. he didn't try to talk me into anything!), and got a pair of contacts to try out. as most of you know, i don't wear contacts. i used to, but i gave them up almost ten years ago, because my eyes always felt dry and weird. in fact, today i had that same experience! curious. although i think it's because 1) i'm out of practice and 2) the new prescription is going to take some getting used to. i'm not going to wear them everyday, but i would like to be able to wear them on occasion. like, maybe when i get married.

this is where i waffle. on the one hand, i'm very much "dude, i'm blind, i wear glasses, whatever." D met me in glasses. he thought then (and thinks now) that i'm foxy in them, but he thinks i'm foxy out of them as well. on the other hand, i feel like there's this idea that women who wear glasses normally should try to dress up for their weddings, and this usually means replacing their glasses with contacts. not many pretty-pretty princesses are shown in eyewear, just like not a lot of brides are shown with four eyes. my glasses are a part of my face, and they have been since i was 11. the few years i wore contacts i still always felt like a girl who wore glasses, like a bit of a fraud without them on. today my face felt naked and weird, and i had nothing to fiddle with or clean. my wedding will probably be nerve-wracking enough, do i really want to do it with a naked face? i guess we'll see.
in non-feminist wedding musings, here's a photo of one of the things i got D for valentine's day. yeah, i don't buy into all that commercial bullshit, honest, but i like being able to buy him weird or funny things anyway, so why not use this holiday as an excuse? plus, he is sort of my valentine, so there's that. it's this neat little cookbook i found at a used book store, called maverick sea fare. it's a caribbean cookbook, but so much more than that. it's all hand-drawn and lettered, as you can see, and has these charming illustrations on every page. it's also a bit of a journal, documenting a woman's life on board a chartered sailboat, as a wife and cook. there are quite a few funny little stories, hints and tips for living aboard a boat, along with all the recipes. at the time it was first published, in 1977, some of the ingredients weren't part of everyday american cooking and were seen as fairly exotic. now, of course, it's not too strange to see pineapple and fish together, or cashews migrating from the nut bowl to the dinner table. i admit, i bought this as much for D as i did for myself. he loves boats, he loves sailing and cooking, and i loved living on a boat. it's a secret fantasy we have, of building a catamaran and doing chartered tours to make money and spending the rest of our time sailing the seas and making awesome meals. well, he'll build the boat, but i'll cheer him on, and i'm all for sailing around and waking up in the morning to have coffee on the deck, getting cozy in our berths at night, and seeing new places. of course, i also kinda want to do this in an RV (old school, like an airstream) too. when we talk about it, we refer to it as our "caravan years;" after the kids are out of the house and set up on their own, we want to live a little nomadically for a while. doesn't that sound nice? it's a bit early to plan for that, but i can't help but indulge in thinking about it on occasion.

trying something new

while reading one of my favorite webcomics, inkdick (how can you not love the name?!) i came upon this idea, which came via this blog. in short; you make ten goals a day, then check them off as you finish them. you pick a time period (a week, months, years?), and you graph your productivity. i like the idea. it combines lists with stars* and getting things done. i made my list this afternoon, and so far have gotten 5 of the 10 things done.

one of those things was to make a small drawing. i worked on acorn drawings, and am thinking about making my own rubber stamp for our wedding invitations. i was thinking an address stamp would make all the, well, addressing, easier. plus, there a million lovely custom stamps on etsy, and i never need much of an excuse/reason for shopping on etsy. i'm not sure my stamp carving skills are all that great, seeing as i've never actually made a stamp, so perhaps i'll get a good design and talk one of those crafty etsy kids into making it up for me. so many ideas!

remind me tomorrow to put watching an episode of the simpsons on my list. i'm pretty sure i can get that done.

*i don't think the official idea has anything to do with stars, but i want to make a big chart where i give myself stars for being awesome.

aaargh

the news on my mean pea is dubious. i went to see and orthopedic surgeon yesterday, and evidently i might have bigger problems than the pea. i had some xrays done, and learned that my pea does, in fact, look like a pea under there. that was sort of cool, and i really wish i'd brought my camera into the exam room with me! damn.

the thing is, i have this funny crease in my palm that showed up about four years ago. when it appeared, i noticed my hand lost some strength and was sore. every doctor i saw since then i showed it to, and they all said, "hmmm" and shrugged and left it at that. i bought one of those weirdo hand-squeezey-things to work on my strength and that was that. the pea showed up a few years later, and when i showed that to the doctor, he said that the pea was probably under my skin for a while, causing the crease, before it came to the surface, and that once the pea (thought to be a ganglion cyst) was excised, everything would go back to normal.

now the doctor isn't sure if the crease and pea are even related. he thinks the crease is dupuytren's contracture. this would mean the tissues in the crease are thickening and shortening the tendons in my palm, and will eventually pull my thumb and forefinger into a claw position and i'll be unable to straighten them. without surgery, that is. evidently this is very rare in someone my age without any injury, and it's also rare to have my thumb and forefinger affected. before they know what is, though, i have to go in for more tests. they'll probably do an MRI (ha ha), and i have to see another surgeon for a consult.

the good news is that if it is dupuytren's, we caught it early enough that surgery will help. the pea will still need to come out, but they aren't sure if it is a true ganglion cyst or some weird after effect of the contracture. either way, the surgery on my hand will likely be a bit more complicated and take me out of commission a bit longer. awesome! until then, i'll continue to take photos of the pea, who is now kind of weirded about by the fact that he might not be biggest issue.

saturday hijinks

the boychik and i headed out to the la conner flats to put down the deposit for sept. 18th. this means that we are indeed getting married in september! i wasn't terribly afraid of losing our date, since i'd let them know we wanted to reserve it and the folks that run the la conner flats are amazing, but i wanted them to know we were serious. i wanted to make sure we locked the date down, just in case someone else got the grand idea that they were going to get married there on our weekend.

we also went book shopping, and i found some neat boat ones for D, to give him for valentine's day. i also finished a knitting project, got it blocked and am waiting for it to dry so i can take some new photos of it. now i want to tidy up the sewing room a bit more, listen to some podcasts, and get some more knitting done. mean pea be dammed!

cut it out

meet my mean pea. it's a ganglion cyst, formerly known as a bible cyst. it lives between the thumb and forefinger of my left hand. i've had it for a long time, although for a few years it was just a weird crease on my palm; it took a while for the cyst itself to work its way up to the surface. ganglion cysts aren't dangerous or cancerous, they're normally just annoying. you can smash them with something heavy and get rid of them (you know, like bibles!), you can wait to see if they go away (many do), or you can see a doctor and have them cut it out of you. either way, unless it affects your range of motion or causes a lot of pain, most doctors suggest just letting them be.

my mean pea is kind of a dick. it makes knitting for longer than half and hour hurt. it sometimes sends a shooting, burning pain from my thumb down to my wrist. if i bump it into anything it hurts like a mother-humper. my grip on that side, while never stellar since i'm a righty, has gotten weaker. i have a hard time opening up jars. i often tell the kids i need help because the pea is acting up. i can't write or type for long periods of time. it looks funny. in short, the mean pea and i are not very good friends.

since i've had it for so long, the doctor thinks it might be time to excise it. i have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon on monday to take a look at it, and while part of me is all, "yay! cut the fucker out!" the part of me that worries just wants to know how much it will cost and whether or not it's even worth it. there's a good chance it'll just come back. of course, having my hand back would also rule, even if it doesn't last forever. before i get all mopey and "why bother" about it, i should probably just see the good doctor and see what they say. who knows, maybe it's not really a cyst, maybe it's a tooth and i can use my one free dental visit to have it removed.

hooray for february!

i can't believe how quickly this year is going past so far! it's like it took a running start or something. january was literally here just a second ago, and now it's gone. *poof*

today is the first day of the second month, and i'm planning on getting some stuff done. to that end, i will be loading the ipod up with podcasts, shutting the computer off, and getting into the shower, post-haste. today i'm hoping to accomplish the following:

• the sewing room needs a good tidy and clean. i can't actually do any sewing in here! my yarn is all kind of hidden, which i think might not be such a good idea. if i can see what i have, i might actually use it, instead of repeatedly buying yarns almost identical to the ones i have at home.
  
• the living room also needs a good once-over. i think the weekend i was in portland it was completely ignored, and as much as i harass the kids to clean up after themselves, sometimes i want it clean the way i want it cleaned. i am such a tyrant.
• pay some bills. boo hiss.
• go someplace new with D to eat. we like to do this on mondays; we find some place we've never tried and go eat lunch there. lunch is usually cheaper than dinner, and we sit and talk about how good/bad the food is, what could be improved, try to guess what the ingredients are, critique the staff and decor, and have a pretty good time. we're dorks, but i'm glad we're dorks together.