more examples of how i'm awful

today was one of those days where i'm pretty sure i was kind of a dick.  looking back on it now, i think "yeah, that was kind of a jerkface thing to do, but i can see why i did it."  i'm not sure that makes me any less of an asshole, though.  i leave it to you to decide.

on my break at work, i was getting my bagel schmeared, looking at TMZ (truly the devil's website), when over the cubicle wall i hear someone answer their cell phone.  two seconds later, it's a sob-fest over there.  lots of  "why?" and "how?" "he can't be," and "this can't be happening."  it takes two seconds of overheard conversation to piece together that someone is dead.  she gets off the phone, and breaks down at her desk.

at this point, i'm trying to look interested in anything but what's going on.  i figure in a few moments she'll compose herself, head to the bathroom, or go find her supervisor and go home.  it's unpleasant, i admit.  i dislike hearing or seeing people cry. i am uncomfortable with any emotion but ha-ha or "i hate mondays" in the workplace, and sarcasm is as close as i get to honest emoting while at work.  the one time i felt like i might cry at work, i gave myself a good pinch on the leg, sucked it up, and went to the bathroom.

five minutes go by.  still a sobfest next door.  ten minutes.  fifteen.  eighteen.  there is sobbing, there is can't-catch-my-breath wheezing, there is a general gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes on the other side of my particle-board divide.  no amount of acoustic tile could dampen the sound coming from over there.  i can hear people gathered around now, murmuring things, but no one is doing anything.  this sounds callous, but being able to pay attention to people over the phone, and being able to hear them, is kind of a huge part of our jobs.  we are expected to only take emergency calls from our cell phones at our desks, and if we are upset, we are asked to go some where quiet and private.  thinking that this is grief gone off the rails, i let some time pass before thinking, "someone has to get her away from her desk." 

at this point, my break is over, so i pick up my travel pack of tissues, walk over there, hand them to her and say, "okay, it's time to go now."  not in an overtly eye-rolling, get out of here way, i gave a good back rub and said, "this is too hard for you to deal with at work, let's get you out of here sweetie, someplace quiet, and you can get yourself together before you go."  i offer to take her downstairs, to the lunch room, or to a conference room, or the bathroom.  i tell her i'll let her supervisor know, but right now she needs to go.  i ask if he's still at the hospital, and if so which one.  will he be there when she gets there? does she want to go see him?  i'm just about to tell her that it feels good to see your loved one, even in death, when she gives me a funny look.  "well, he's at the doctor's.  it's my dog." 

it was her dog.  all this time, i'm imaging a lost granddad, maybe uncle, friend or father.  she was crying like that for a dog.  i'm serious when i say the only time i've ever reached that level of "oh god why?" weeping was when my dad died, and i did that at home.  i walk her toward the door when she sees a friend of hers and she veers off course quickly and says, "i need you to hug me, don't ask why," and i think, "yeah, this is about right."  i let her go, go back to my desk, and log back into my phone.

i'm not saying that losing a dog or cat or any pet isn't traumatic.  i happen to know where all my pets are, save LuLu, thanks to the magic of veterinary cremation.  i spent all day in bed when Cuddles died, crying into the fur of my roommate's yellow lab, Maggie.  i know that when pets pass, it's terrible.  at the same time, i can't begin to tell you how cheated and annoyed i felt when she told me her dog had died before he'd had a chance to have a tumor in his chest removed.  for a moment i thought she had lost someone the way i had, that of course she didn't think to go to the bathroom or into the hall and get herself together, that she was blindsided by death.

she kept saying, "i'm not ready for this, i'm not ready," and all i could think was, "no shit."

hardy har har

this will come to a surprise to exactly no one, but i don't like talking about money.  moreover, i especially dislike money talk with D.  i don't know, i'm weirdly private about that, even though i pee with the door slightly ajar pretty much all the time.  i like to think i'm all footloose and not tied down by conventional mores and all that jazz, but sometimes i act like a positively shocked victorian housewife at the mention of bank accounts.  you'd think i'd seen an ankle, for shit's sake.

i don't know where this attitude came from, but i have begun to realize this: i sometimes spend money i don't have, so that i won't feel as though i'm inconvenience anyone.  instead of saying, "hey, i just paid my student loans, i can't buy , so it's rice and beans for dinner," i just immediately try figuring out a way to juggle things so they'll work.  i always figure i'll work it out later, and guess what? i rarely come up with a good idea.  it leads to weird and uncomfortable talks, and this year i'd like to get things together.  keeping track of shit by actually balancing my checkbook tends to help, although honestly, if i forget a week that's all it takes to fuck it all up again.  

tonight i actually said out loud to D, "i'm just really uncomfortable talking money with you."  he said, and i quote, "yes, i know."  how is it that i just came to that conclusion?! i did come up with a plan to help get everything sorted out, though, and am feeling pleased about that.  it's not a permanent fix, by any means, but it will help get me to a place where i can stop with all the worrying about it and actually do something.   it's also not like our finances are totally, thoroughly, ridiculously fucked or anything, but there have a been a few big-ticket items that need to be taken care of, like getting the truck fixed so i can quit with the carpooling.  i hate paying someone to drive me to work who is always late or sick or whatever.  if i'm going to be late, i want it to be my fault, dammit.

this really just happened

the boychik and i are going to emerald city comicon this year!  we've wanted to go for a while, and this year i finally bit the bullet and bought tickets.  it's something i talked about with D before i did, so he would know that in january i would be spending money on that.  last friday, i bought the tickets.  i told D and he asked if i booked the hotel room too.  i said, no, i was going to do it later.  he actually said, "you should do that now, because all the hotels are going to get booked up."  so today i found a hotel about a mile away from the convention center, for only $100 a night, so i booked our room.  the conversation that followed tonight in the car went as followed:

me: i booked our hotel room today!  it had an indoor pool, and was only $99 a night. 
him: oh yeah?
me: yeah, i figured you were right i should do it sooner rather than later.
him: or you could pay me back for your half of the new computer.

SERIOUSLY?  i pointed out the conversation we had last friday, and his response was "huh, yeah."  AAARGH. 

in any case, we're going to comicon!!!  D will have to wait for my half of the computer money until next payday.  this post should make up for yesterday's extra-schmoopy one.   

love letter lists

i've been with my husband for four years now.  i know that's not a long time, by any stretch of the imagination, although it is the longest i've been with anyone.  i think anyone in any kind of long-term relationship, who made a deal in front of their whole family to stick it out until death, worries about getting bored, or worse.  all relationships have their ups and down, their crazy face smashing, tonsil hockey moments, the terminally annoyed stretches, and the whatever times.  i might be feeling a bit more romantic than usual lately because i got to spend some alone time wiht my husband for the first time in a long time this weekend.  24 hours of just the two of us!  here's my list of the things that made me happy about that:

• we both want to make a secret door to somewhere in our house. 
• he picked up a subscription to instructables!
• we were watching a movie and did the same laughing bark of "ha!" at the same time.
• he brought me home a big bag of quinoa, even though it's not his favorite thing to eat.
• afternoon delight. yeah, i said it!
• garden planning, and spending time together going through seed catalogs. 

i don't think the importance of spending a little alone time with your partner, just hanging out and talking, can ever be over-estimated.  more than anything, it feels good, and i think that's reason enough to pencil some in sometimes.