on restraint

i have been enforcing weird little time-outs on things lately.  not doing something for a week or longer, to kind of evaluate how it affects me.  this pay period i'm not buying anything on the internet.  i realized that i buy a lot of weird, random items while on-line, and i probably don't need all of them.  i thought, "i'll not do it for two weeks and see what happens."  thus far i have resisted buying some books, music, tshirts, and craft items.  this means i am reading books i have around the house (of which there are a billion), working on projects i've already started, and wearing clothes i already own.  surprise, surprise: my bank account is happier.  twenty dollars here or there seems like nothing, but taken all together, it ends up being a chunk of cash.

i also brought my lunch to work every day this week.  even if you only spend $5 a day on a sandwich, that is also money that adds up quickly.  being financially prudent isn't exactly fun, but my bank account is happy.  

i bought the pattern for this shawl over a month ago and haven't touched it because it looked hard.  for real.  i'm a baby.  the girlchild had a sleepover the other evening, and i started it then, because i was hiding out in my room to give them space and full reign over the tv.  (i can't stomach that new 90210, it's sooooo tawdry and terrible!) it takes a lot of concentration and patience, and i'm actually really enjoying it.  it's full of short rows and stripes, and it's using up all the bits of worsted yarn i have in my stash. 

hardy har har

this will come to a surprise to exactly no one, but i don't like talking about money.  moreover, i especially dislike money talk with D.  i don't know, i'm weirdly private about that, even though i pee with the door slightly ajar pretty much all the time.  i like to think i'm all footloose and not tied down by conventional mores and all that jazz, but sometimes i act like a positively shocked victorian housewife at the mention of bank accounts.  you'd think i'd seen an ankle, for shit's sake.

i don't know where this attitude came from, but i have begun to realize this: i sometimes spend money i don't have, so that i won't feel as though i'm inconvenience anyone.  instead of saying, "hey, i just paid my student loans, i can't buy , so it's rice and beans for dinner," i just immediately try figuring out a way to juggle things so they'll work.  i always figure i'll work it out later, and guess what? i rarely come up with a good idea.  it leads to weird and uncomfortable talks, and this year i'd like to get things together.  keeping track of shit by actually balancing my checkbook tends to help, although honestly, if i forget a week that's all it takes to fuck it all up again.  

tonight i actually said out loud to D, "i'm just really uncomfortable talking money with you."  he said, and i quote, "yes, i know."  how is it that i just came to that conclusion?! i did come up with a plan to help get everything sorted out, though, and am feeling pleased about that.  it's not a permanent fix, by any means, but it will help get me to a place where i can stop with all the worrying about it and actually do something.   it's also not like our finances are totally, thoroughly, ridiculously fucked or anything, but there have a been a few big-ticket items that need to be taken care of, like getting the truck fixed so i can quit with the carpooling.  i hate paying someone to drive me to work who is always late or sick or whatever.  if i'm going to be late, i want it to be my fault, dammit.

big red

our truck died a couple of weeks ago.  it had been acting up, and D had told me he thought it needed some work, then one night on his way home, he stopped to buy some beer and the truck wouldn't start.  we called a tow truck, and now big red is sitting in our driveway, looking forlorn.  we think it might be the starter, it also might have something to do with the electrical system (there was talk at one time of some sort of chip or another being hinky).  in any case, we're down to one car. 

which in and of itself hasn't been a bad thing.  the weather has been lovely, D doesn't mind the two mile walk to work, and we do live quite close to a bus stop so he uses that sometimes too.  a few afternoons we get off at the same time, and so he walks to work, and then i pick him up.  saturdays i don't work, so he uses the car that day.  we've got a little system worked out, and so far there haven't been any major complaints.  we'd like to get the truck fixed (it's really nice to have a huge truck for some things), but i have a feeling we won't look into seriously until the fall.  right now we're busy trying to pay off a ridiculous medical bill that took us by surprise and save up enough for the property taxes due in october.  there isn't a whole lot left over right now for fixing the truck, which is unfortunate, but true.  this is one of those times when having an emergency credit card might come in handy, but if there is one thing i do not want right now, it's any kind of credit card. 

being down to one car also means we're spending less.  while one of us is out using the car, working, the other one can't be out shopping.  ha! 

nuts! we spring forward tonight.

i always forget.  while i love the additional sunlight (or being awake through it, rather than the actual appearance of more sun), i hate losing that precious hour of sleep.

this weekend was kind of a bummer.  i was supposed to go to portland this weekend for the shamrock run, but honestly, my wallet put the kibosh on that.  i knew weddings were expensive before we started planning one, but i guess i thought that wouldn't apply to me because i am not having a "traditional" wedding.  we still have people to feed, invites to send, and through all that, daily life marches on.  kids need to see the dentist, we have a leak somewhere around the tub that needs to be fixed, and for some reason uncle sam still thinks i should be paying him for going to college.  sheesh.

even though i am bummed out that i had to stay home, i tried to make the most of my time here.  i worked on my wedding registry with my mother-in-law (who works at a big bed/bath store), had a nice lunch with her, and then came home and recruited the girlchild in helping me with invite stuff.  we got a bunch of stuff cut out, a whole lot of stuff stamped, and a million envelopes addressed. we also watched a few retarded and fun movies, and i have a good idea of what else i want to get done this weekend.  like santa i am making a list, and checking that shit twice.

it's not as fun as seeing my friends and nephews, but it will have to do this weekend.  sigh.

oh, and i almost forgot the really annoying part of my day;

oh money, where are thou?

ugh. one of the things that sucks the most about adulthood is dealing with money. i suspect i wouldn't feel this way if, you know, i had money, but i don't and managing micro-amounts of it is exhausting. i actually had to take out a pay-day loan this month, which was pretty humbling. before anyone gets too upset let me explain; it wasn't for much, the terms aren't too terrible, and it will be all paid back and okay by this friday. i'm just at a point in my life where it's worth it for me to spend $37 to get a few hundred dollars as a loan rather than ask my mom for it. we needed just a little for wiggle room, gas and food and a small bill or two, and it made this last week a lot less stressful. D didn't work a few weekends last month, and while no waiter on earth makes a lot in hourly wages, he did miss out on tips as well and that's where the money is. he picked up extra shifts this week and next, we sat down last night and made out a budget, and i am confident that by the end of this summer we'll be fiscally a hell of a lot more responsible.

we still have work to do, and our budget is pretty cursory right now, but the first thing we did this month was to cut way back on going out to eat and other fun stuff that cost money. the biggest expense we've incurred lately for entertainment is the drive-in; which is under $20 for all of us to go, and we can pack snacks and it's a whole night of fun. we've been renting movies from the library, reading lots of books out in the sun, and the kids have been working on various art and craft projects. i'm not worried about them getting too bent out of shape going out less, since we're just doing more fun stuff at home. barbecuing is easy and can be cheap, and we all get to hang around outside playing frisbee while things cook. everyone loves ramen. beans and rice are so nice! i do still drive to work, but am thinking i could quit that some days and ride my bike (it's only 6 miles). on the weekends, we walk as many places as we can. i gave up my cell phone. i will admit we tend to favor good beer, which makes us bad grown-ups, but buying the occasional 6 pack of good stuff is still way cheaper than going out for drinks.

we'll never be able to retire, and we'll have to cross our fingers that the kids get into college based on their good looks and charm, but hopefully we'll pay off some of our debt, put some money into savings, and not be too crabby doing it. i'll never understand how money can be so stressful and boring at the same time.

evidently i bounced a check

whoo! if my roommate had waited 12 hours to deposit the check i gave him, everything would have been fine. it's my own fault for writing the check and just leaving it out with no little note saying, "um, this needs a few days to mature." now i get to write another check, and explain that i had almost enough money for him, but buying gas for the rental car put me over.

dammit.

i want to spend the rest of today in bed, with the electric blanket cranked to high, reading books and making lists and silently freaking out about how money is coming, but isn't here yet. money makes me the most nervous, and while bouncing a check isn't the end of the world (i'm thinking that's bankruptcy), it still freaks me out. today i get to smooth all that over, and i know everything is going to be okay, but i can't help that my gut reaction is all spastic.

dear car accident, i wish you'd waited a week to show up. or not shown up at all.

plastic is way stupid

i jsut stopped by joann's to have my little joe's framed, and for some reason my card didn't work. i knew for a fact that there was (is) money in my account; not a lot, but enough for what i needed to do. i tried another card, and that one didn't work either. i called the bank, and there was money in there. i came home and looked online and yes, there is still money in my account.

what the hell? i'm annoyed that i looked like such a loser at joann's of all places (i'm mad at them right now, and shouldn't even be spending money there but there are no other crafty places in the area and goddamn i need craft like some kids need crack), and super annoyed at my bank. on the one hand, yay for not spending money tonight, on the other boo at having to go back there tomorrow and figure out what the hell went wrong. i just want my joe's in frames! pretty, pretty gold ones.

on a funny note, i'm pretty sure the lady who was getting my joe's ready for framing thought i was a total wack-job. she was like, "um, did you paint these?" and i explained who dan goodsell was, and all about mr. toast and how i'm pretty sure someday the whole world is going to know about the imaginary world and my joe's will pay for my retirement home, but she was like, "um, okay, eggs." yes, eggs. the cutest eggs on earth, dammit. plus, they will go well with all the other stuff i have framed in gold. ever since i started painting at 12 i've had everything framed in gold. used to make my mother crazy, but now she knows better than to argue with me. besides, they are charming in a tacky way. plus, why shouldn't joe have the very best? gold frames for joe!

shit bags

friday i got paid. that was yesterday, and the amount of money in my checking account at that moment almost made it hard to breathe. i got my very first grown-up commission check and it was massive. i kept checking the account to hear the amount in there, i kept thinking about all the things i could do with all that money, i just looked at my balance lovingly and thought good thoughts.

of course, life has a way of spending your money before you get to do anything actually cool with it. today i put new tires on my car, something i'd been meaning to do since i moved out here, but which i realized i desperately needed halfway through skidding into a 180 on ice in my car. sitting there, with my car pointed the very wrong way, not able to get it to move forward because i was stuck in the snow i thought, "hmmm...guess i put that off too long." all the careful driving in the world cannot compensate for tires without tread. when all was said and done my tires cost about $500. i didn't want the cheapest tires, and i didn't want the most expensive ones, and with all the other dicks out there buying tires there wasn't much in the way of middle ground. i could have spent less, but sometimes you get what you pay for and truth be told i haven't put new tires on my car in years so i knew i was going to have to suck it up. driving home this afternoon was a dream; my car handled beautifully and i knew i did the right thing. it was hard to say goodbye to all that money, but not dying in my car is worth it.

okay, i've calmed down a bit

it's true (super true) that getting a call from your bank is usually very bad news. it's also true that sometimes it's bad news that comes with some good. how many banks have ever called me to say, "hey, did you realize you are super broke and still using your debit card like there's money on it?" never, before today.

i feel like i've dug this stupid big money hole, and now i need to get my shit together and fix it. i spent some time yesterday afternoon talking to just about the cutest and nicest financial planner (i think she's a few years younger than i am), and even though things look like not-so-much fun for the near future, i'm just glad to know i haven't royally fucked myself over. it was actually just really nice to explain to her how it happened, what i'd like to do about it, and what my options are. in short, we are going to try to do some consolidating, and she assured me that she's seen much worse. she was like my little financial therapist!

money is so weird. it totally stresses me out sometimes, but then i stop and think about how it's just money, how a lot of people have more debt than i do, and how someday i'll be dead and i'll never have to balance my checkbook again. things will be okay.

shit shit SHIT

i'm so freaked out right now that i'm typing this from work, which is muy dangeroso since they don't know i have a blog and if they did they would know how i honestly feel about my job, but i got a call from the bank and it is not good.

not good at all. the short of it is that i am seriously FUCKED and will now never, ever in a million years be able to move out of this fucking town because i kind of accidentally sold my soul. shit!

i need to eat more ramen, drink less beer, and dig myself out of this financial hole i'm in. part of this is all my fault, part of it is just never having caught up from the move, and part of it was just sheer ignorance on my part. dammit.

i owe so much money so many places i can never go anywhere or do anything fun ever again.