hardy har har

this will come to a surprise to exactly no one, but i don't like talking about money.  moreover, i especially dislike money talk with D.  i don't know, i'm weirdly private about that, even though i pee with the door slightly ajar pretty much all the time.  i like to think i'm all footloose and not tied down by conventional mores and all that jazz, but sometimes i act like a positively shocked victorian housewife at the mention of bank accounts.  you'd think i'd seen an ankle, for shit's sake.

i don't know where this attitude came from, but i have begun to realize this: i sometimes spend money i don't have, so that i won't feel as though i'm inconvenience anyone.  instead of saying, "hey, i just paid my student loans, i can't buy , so it's rice and beans for dinner," i just immediately try figuring out a way to juggle things so they'll work.  i always figure i'll work it out later, and guess what? i rarely come up with a good idea.  it leads to weird and uncomfortable talks, and this year i'd like to get things together.  keeping track of shit by actually balancing my checkbook tends to help, although honestly, if i forget a week that's all it takes to fuck it all up again.  

tonight i actually said out loud to D, "i'm just really uncomfortable talking money with you."  he said, and i quote, "yes, i know."  how is it that i just came to that conclusion?! i did come up with a plan to help get everything sorted out, though, and am feeling pleased about that.  it's not a permanent fix, by any means, but it will help get me to a place where i can stop with all the worrying about it and actually do something.   it's also not like our finances are totally, thoroughly, ridiculously fucked or anything, but there have a been a few big-ticket items that need to be taken care of, like getting the truck fixed so i can quit with the carpooling.  i hate paying someone to drive me to work who is always late or sick or whatever.  if i'm going to be late, i want it to be my fault, dammit.