Saturday, March 28, 2009

the last post i made was just me bitching about not feeling good. i had a cold and was being a whiny baby. i called home to complain, talked to my dad, then was going to write a post about how his CT/PET scan was fairly normal but got tired and went to bed. the next day i just spaced it; was busy with D and the kids goofing off and figured i would tell you guys he was a-okay the next day.

my father died late wednesday night. it had nothing to do with his scan, he just stopped breathing and never started up again. i know he's been sick for a while, but he wasn't that sick and this has taken us all by surprise. i've wrestled with whether or not to make this news a blog post, and realized that you guys have been with me throughout his various illnesses, you've been nothing but kind and supportive and i just want you all to know how much your kindness has meant to me.

this isn't anything how i thought it would be. i honestly thought i'd have a chance to say some sort of goodbye, i thought we'd get some sort of warning, i thought we were in the clear for at least a while. i'm angry and feel cheated, because it's not fair. i'm not ready to be a grown-up, i don't want to be fatherless. i am heartbroken and what no one tells you is that grief is a physical pain; all punches in the chest and headaches from crying and sore throats. it hurts so much worse than i could have imagined. i'm home with my mother and sister, and every so often one of us says, "what do we do now?" i have no idea. i miss him already so much i can't believe it will ever get better. i'm alternately sobbing and then angry and then just happy to be home with my people and talking about him. he wasn't always the easiest man to get along with, and i know he wishes my life had taken a different turn, but i loved him and never doubted that he loved me.

you don't have to say anything, honest. it's a weird and strange thing, writing a blog post about your father's death. there are a lot of you out there that i've shared a lot of my life with (and shared parts of your life with!), and i don't want to discount our connection to each other by just disappearing. i'll be a lot less present on the internets for a while, but if it makes you feel any better i'll be a lot less present in real life too. as it is, i just want to hide in the back room and knit furiously and watch old tv shows and cry when i want to. it just all feels so surreal, you know? when i'm not crying i'm worrying about my mom, and my sister and the baby and i feel guilty for feeling bad for myself but then there are parts of me that are all "dude, that's normal, give yourself a break" but none of this makes any sense to me. i miss him. i don't want him to be gone. i hope he knew how much i loved him. i wish i weren't so embarassed about crying in public because it makes me look like a robot, and i wish i didn't care what anyone else thinks about my grief. mourning does not become me. i just wish he would come home. did i mention that i miss him? because i do. so please, just go hug your dad for me. have a miller beer or bourbon for him, or just go tell someone you love how much you do. and send tissues. i love you.

14 comments:

April said...

Oh sweetie my thoughts and prayers are with you! Cry as much as and whenever you want!! I am hear to listen or anything else you need should you need someone "other" than those right around you to talk to. Grief is tough, which may be why I always choose the denial route. I give you all the credit in the world for putting it out there to us all. It's a step in any direction. Love you and will be thinking of you and your family, sending love and comfort your way! XOXO!! ~April

Tabitha said...

What a shock to have it happen so suddenly. Sending love and support to you. xxx Tabitha

chez shoes said...

Oh! I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Hugs to you.

Tonya said...

Oh, this is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry, Amanda. I don't think there is anything worse than the stages of grief. Hopefully you can take a little comfort in knowing that it won't always feel this raw. (It's true). Take care of yourself, my dear. I ache for you.

ana said...

De-lurking to send you a big hug, all the way from the other side of the world. ***

Joolie said...

I'm so sorry, Amanda. I wish you could have said goodbye. Thanks for telling us.

dave said...

Amanda, I'm really sorry about your dad.

Dr. Mystery said...

I'm really sorry to hear this. My family suffered some tough losses last year, and I don't want other people to have to go through it, either. I'm sending good thoughts to you and your family, and I hope you can take some strength and comfort from each other.

Josh

Rachel said...

Oh, gods...I am so sorry to hear about this. I can only imagine the pain you're in right now. You and your family are in my thoughts. *Hugs*

Lisa said...

I am so sorry to hear of your father's passing.

Thinking of you and yours, sweetie.

Anonymous said...

there is nothing i can say but i am sorry, and i know it means so little right now. but you are in my thoughts.
Tera

KingBenny said...

Amanda, I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. My sincere condolences go out to you and your family.

Amity said...

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

I know you've said before that it was his wish to go quickly, so I'm glad for him that it went that way, but that also makes me feel awful for the rest of you.

Just know that there are people out there that love you bunches and are sending you all the loving thoughts possible. *HUGS*

Anonymous said...

Amanda, I am so sorry for your loss.
big hugs to you and your family,
ellen