the last post i made was just me bitching about not feeling good. i had a cold and was being a whiny baby. i called home to complain, talked to my dad, then was going to write a post about how his CT/PET scan was fairly normal but got tired and went to bed. the next day i just spaced it; was busy with D and the kids goofing off and figured i would tell you guys he was a-okay the next day.

my father died late wednesday night. it had nothing to do with his scan, he just stopped breathing and never started up again. i know he's been sick for a while, but he wasn't that sick and this has taken us all by surprise. i've wrestled with whether or not to make this news a blog post, and realized that you guys have been with me throughout his various illnesses, you've been nothing but kind and supportive and i just want you all to know how much your kindness has meant to me.

this isn't anything how i thought it would be. i honestly thought i'd have a chance to say some sort of goodbye, i thought we'd get some sort of warning, i thought we were in the clear for at least a while. i'm angry and feel cheated, because it's not fair. i'm not ready to be a grown-up, i don't want to be fatherless. i am heartbroken and what no one tells you is that grief is a physical pain; all punches in the chest and headaches from crying and sore throats. it hurts so much worse than i could have imagined. i'm home with my mother and sister, and every so often one of us says, "what do we do now?" i have no idea. i miss him already so much i can't believe it will ever get better. i'm alternately sobbing and then angry and then just happy to be home with my people and talking about him. he wasn't always the easiest man to get along with, and i know he wishes my life had taken a different turn, but i loved him and never doubted that he loved me.

you don't have to say anything, honest. it's a weird and strange thing, writing a blog post about your father's death. there are a lot of you out there that i've shared a lot of my life with (and shared parts of your life with!), and i don't want to discount our connection to each other by just disappearing. i'll be a lot less present on the internets for a while, but if it makes you feel any better i'll be a lot less present in real life too. as it is, i just want to hide in the back room and knit furiously and watch old tv shows and cry when i want to. it just all feels so surreal, you know? when i'm not crying i'm worrying about my mom, and my sister and the baby and i feel guilty for feeling bad for myself but then there are parts of me that are all "dude, that's normal, give yourself a break" but none of this makes any sense to me. i miss him. i don't want him to be gone. i hope he knew how much i loved him. i wish i weren't so embarassed about crying in public because it makes me look like a robot, and i wish i didn't care what anyone else thinks about my grief. mourning does not become me. i just wish he would come home. did i mention that i miss him? because i do. so please, just go hug your dad for me. have a miller beer or bourbon for him, or just go tell someone you love how much you do. and send tissues. i love you.