X marks the spot

big surprise; radiation therapy totally sucks! since my dad started going three weeks ago he hasn't encouraged any of us go with. mom went once at the start to check it out, but since then he's mainly gone alone. i didn't even know he was actually already in radiation until almost a week into it, he was so secret. i've been wanting to go with him for a while, but didn't want to push the issue too hard. he was okay doing chemo by himself and i think he doesn't like the idea of losing his independence. more than that i think he hates the idea of any of us driving his car. the man loves his car. doing it on his own also means he gets to leave when he wants, and it maintains the status quo. i mean, he can't really be sick is he can take himself to treatment, right?

he's gotten so weak and miserable the past week, though, that he finally admitted he'd at least like the company. the drive up to the cancer center is over an hour long and he does a lot of waiting around once he gets there. after he checks in (via a neat little bar code on a card; it automatically fills in his info and puts him in line), he gets his glass of ice water in the infusion treatment ward where people are getting their chemo, and settles into another waiting room in the radiation wing. he gets a pill when he gets there, then waits another half an hour for a shot, then waits a half hour more before they can actually radiate him. "radiate" is a sort of misleading term, however. dad doesn't get dosed with actual radiation (i.e. plutonium) he gets bombarded with serious x-rays. the nurses brought me back to show me the room they do it, and i got to watch the whole thing. first they arrange him on a table and affix a custom made mesh mask to his face and neck. the mask is marked with the area for treatment as well as various plotting points. then he has a board that they place at the soles of his feet; through the board are two long ropes with shearling covered cuffs. when dad pushes his feet on the board with the cuffs around his wrists it gently pulls his shoulders downward and out of the way of the radiation. he doesn't wear a gown or anything, he just sheds his shirt and takes his boots off. then they calibrate the ray a few different ways, use the x-ray to make sure they're in the right area, then start the radiation. they aim for three different parts in the same area, covering the area of the actual cancer as well as a bit outside that to make sure they get any hiding or stray cells. on two screens are black and white video feeds of dad on the table, and on the computer is the actual x-ray image of his skull and spine, with spots highlighted showing the location of the ray. while the treatment itself is time-consuming, uncomfortable and boring, it's the after effects that are really making pop unhappy.

because they aim the radiation at where his lymph node used to be he's got a what looks and feels like a sunburn on his neck, as well as a wicked sore throat and mouth. he's lost his sense of taste and his mouth is basically one giant raw sore. eating anything too hot or cold bothers him, he's sensitive to acids and spice, yet everything tastes like sawdust to him. he's lost his appetite and quite a few pounds. we try to make him drink protein shakes and ensure, but he balks at that even. he's tired and uncomfortable and just isn't interested in eating. he's also had to give up coffee, and if you know my dad at all you know that's not cool. the man drinks a few pots a day, goes through a five pound can coffee in a little over a week. his saliva production is also down, so he has to use a nasty tasting rinse to make sure his ph doesn't get too high and the acid from the bacteria naturally in the mouth doesn't rot his teeth away. the doctor prescribed what amounts to medical marijuana (it's a liquid derivative with no high, damn) to try to stimulate his appetite. in order to get through the next few weeks of treatment he has to stay as healthy as possible because if he misses more than one day he has to start the process all over. trust me, he doesn't want to do that.

it was hard to see him strapped to that bed with the face mask. harder to see how skinny he's getting. walking through the infusion treatment ward was awful as well. everyone at the clinic was very brisk and cheerful and the whole thing felt like "business as usual" but at the same time there were all these skinny bald people hooked up to iv's. some were obviously sicker than others, and the ones that were all alone killed me. i know cancer treatment has gotten much better over the years, and that when dad did chemo he did most of it alone because he wanted to. if i were sick i have no doubt i'd feel the same way. and it is better for the atmosphere to be one of perky efficiency rather than sad melancholy, but it was still difficult to see and take in. i know my dad is sick, and not with something he'll sleep off, but seeing it won't ever be comfortable for me. to put it simply, i don't like it. regardless of how promising his prognosis is there's still a good chance that he'll just get sicker. his chances of coming down with luekemia in the next ten years after all this are also much, much higher. we talked about that the other day. i promised him that if he's diagnosed with cancer again and he doesn't want to do this i'll buy cartons of smokes and kegs of beer and we'll just have fun until he goes. he's not doing this as much for himself as he is for my mother, sister, niece and i. this is as much about the women in his life as it is him getting better. he's sacrificed lymph nodes, his taste buds, his hair and his general sense of well-being so we'll have a dad/husband/grandpa longer.

tagging along to radiation and making endless glasses of ice water and pots of soup is the least i can do to thank him.

why flickr sometimes sucks

fancy tights, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i put up a photo like this because i like my new tights. they remind me of chain link fences, and were on sale for like $5, and they make me happy. yet even with the "no pervs" and "pervs go away" tags i apply to anything foot and/or leg related, this photo still has been viewed 160 times. 160! it's not like my legs are so amazing, or you can even see much of anything (aside from baby mess) in this photo, and yet all those jackasses with feet and leg and tight fetishes are looking at my photo. the thought creeps me out. it just serves to remind me that even if the internet is amazing, world-wide, and has great potential to be a tool for education and knowledge and interaction, it will always be primarily a big old porn repository.

as a side note, i think feet as a fetish is totally passe and everyone should just find something new to dig on. the foot fetish thing is boring. i'm yawning as a i type this. pretty feet are nice, i get that, but i'm suggesting that if you are a guy with a thing for feet you cultivate a new hobby. like suicide*. or pick up a new fetish, like clown sex or over-sized underpants. be creative.

*i joke!

true story

(with a gratuitous photo of baby stuffing her face with eggplant parmesan)

the other night my sister and i are out running errands and we're talking about a kid she went to high school with who she tells me is part japanese. "really? serious? how did i never know this?" she point out it's his dad who's asian and i think about it for a second and say i can't recall what his pop looks like. "amanda, you spent hours with him when he fixed your car. we all went to the same church as kids. you can't remember what mr. so-and-so looks like?" um, nope. i think about it harder and admit i know he's short, but that's all. we argue about whether or not he does indeed look japanese, then decide to ask dad when we get home. after all, dad's spent the most time with this guy out of any of us (this man fixes all of our cars, and he and dad spend a lot of time in the garage shooting the shit).

we get home, and ask dad what sort of race or ethnicity he thinks mr. so-and-so might be. he thinks about it hard for a second, then says, "french canadian."

at this point my sister and i bust up laughing because 1) how does anyone look french canadian? and 2) where did pop come up with that? we tell him he's not french canadian, but half-japanese, and then we all spend a lot of time determining who in that family looks the most asian before going to bed.

this is what passes for entertainment around here. that and feeding the baby.

see? i'm not totally heartless.

pink october

it's october, which means those awful pink ribbons for breast cancer are everywhere. i know that saying i hate those pink ribbons out loud is tantamount to me sharing my kitten pie recipe on-line, but i can't help it. i hate the pink ribbon. the pink ribbon can go fuck itself. everytime i see it i feel sick to my stomach and more than a little angry. i hate the plethora of items that are branded in the same sickly shade. buy a pink toaster/toothbrush/cheap plastic bracelet and we'll cure this thing! i hate that people think that by purchasing this stuff somehow the pittance that goes toward breast cancer research will actually do something. what i hate most of all, though, is how that awful pink color essentially infantilizes and trivializes a disease that mainly kills women (if i hate pink being the color for breast cancer, imagine how the poor men who get it feel). pink is the color of little girls, of immaturity, of frivolous women. it's a color most men don't want to be identified with. it reduces breast cancer as a concern for only women, not taking into account the men who love those women; the sons and husbands and uncles and fathers. pink is the color of mary kay, tupperware parties, pepto bismol, tea sandwiches and lipsticks. pink is not the color of tumors and mastectomies and radiation and chemotherapy. pink isn't a color that expresses the pain that cancer patients go through. pink paints cancer in a pretty light and cancer is anything but pretty. pink is cheerful! and perky! and a color we don't identify with strength or struggle.

my favorite aunt died of breast cancer, one of my father's sisters died of it, and one of my other favorite aunts lost a breast to it. in general the people in my family seem to be fond of rogue cells multiplying, but breast cancer has shown up the most. it's something i worry about getting. just because i hate that pink ribbon doesn't mean i'm all for breast cancer. breast cancer is shitty and horrible and painful to deal with. i hope we find a cure. i don't think it will happen until people take it seriously, however, and i don't think the pink color is helping. it might have been an effective marketing tool in the beginning, but i don't think it's doing much for the cause now. let's find another way to show our support, like volunteering for or actually giving real money to foundations working on cures, working to raise awareness, or working to help real women with the disease. stop buying pretty pink kitchen appliances and anything with a pink ribbon on it. i don't think those things are helping.

i should be packing a lunch

instead of wasting time at the computer, like i'm doing now. everyone's out of the house right now, though, and having the computer all to myself is a rarity that i can't resist. i'll buy lunch! fuck it! dude, i work at a grocery store, after all.

speaking of which, here is a small list of things that annoy me at work:

1. old ladies who freak out if you put too much into their container. our small container is all of 12 ounces, but they insist they can't each much more than a spoonful and will actually reprimand you if they get one broccoli floret too many. have they never heard of leftovers? would eating more than 6 ounces of chicken salad actually be such a crime?
2. old men who eat bologna. bologna is okay on it's own (delicious, actually) and for the most part i'm fond of old men, but they are fucking persnickety when it comes to the thickness of their bologna.
   
3. we have a nice new girl at work, who happens to have the same name as i do, and yesterday i was helping her help out a customer and the old lady we were assisting actually had the gall to complain when we were done. "i prefer to be waited on by people who know what they're doing." yes, well i hope you get rained on and melt.
   
4. i love it when yuppies freak out about having to buy their prosciutto in packages. they want us to have a big hunk of salty ham ready to shave thinly for them, and when they find out we don't they basically stomp their feet and pout. one guy was canadian and told me "american's are fucking stupid." we might be, but we could totally take over your country, fucktard.! i smiled and nodded, which made him more mad.
   

for the most part i like my job a lot, which i think is pissing my mom off. we had the "underemployment" talk the other day, which is basically a rehash of every "potential" speech i got as a teenager. she's taking to sarcastically making remarks about how it "must be nice" to waste my talent/intelligence/time etc. i can see where she's coming from, and no amount of pointing out i took this job as a space filler will convince her. plus, it's not such bad work and it is actually giving me some skills i can parlay elsewhere. i don't know. it's work, you know? maybe i should be looking harder for something better, but right now i'm pretty okay where i am. my expectations are low, i guess.

not so low that i'll go to work without putting some makeup on, though. i have some eyeliner than needs applying! place your meat orders at the deli, please, and don't forget to check out our wide variety of cheeses. thank you and have a nice day!

countdown

thirty days to my thirtieth birthday. thirty! maybe i should do something big and stupid before then. although one could argue i've done my share of slightly irresponsible stuff already this year, so maybe i should just plan some sort of party. i haven't had a proper birthday party in years, mainly because i don't really enjoy them, but if any milestone deserves some sort of recognition i think this one is it.

a few of the girls at work yesterday freaked out on my when i told them i was almost thirty. "no way, you don't look that old." while i don't think i look terrible, i don't think i look that young. i mean, the big cheeks and random zits are actually working in my favor, but come on. i don't pass for early twenties anymore! that's fine by me. my early twenties were a hell of a good time, but i don't think i could carry on like that anymore without some serious hangovers. funny how those get worse as you get older.

i had a whole list of things i wanted to do before i turned thirty, and i don't think i've checked a lot of them off. at the same time, i did a whole slew of things i didn't think i would do ever, and that's got to count for something. in the past year i've,

1. learned how to drive a stick.
2. lived on a boat for three months.
3. made another major move from one state to another.
4. gotten into my first car accident.
5. had a pattern published in a book.
6. cut off my long hair.
7. i met a hot fisherman and, you know. went in for a one-night stand and ended up with a serious boyfriend. what?!
   
8. i finally conquered my fear of knitting socks and have made a few pairs.
9. got a new tattoo and made plans for my next one.

that's not bad for twenty-nine. i'm ready for thirty, though. i have a feeling this is going to be good year, and i can't figure out why. there are a lot of things i'm looking forward to this year, like friend's weddings and trips and art projects i have planned for the dark winter. autumn is my favorite time of year; no matter what new year's might have to say this is when i feel like the year is really starting. the scent of wood fires and that dark, deep, greenness of everything getting it's last big growth in before winter always makes me feel like getting my own shit together so i can work all winter. winter's here aren't exactly fierce or gruesome, but they are dark and i do tend to get a lot of work done in them. hiding out at home and making stuff is pretty much the only thing i want to do when the sun goes away. if anything, i should have a little party around my birthday as a hooray for fall thing.

but now i'm going to have a cup of coffee and get ready for work. whoo!

hatr

hatr, originally uploaded by pinprick.

yesterday i was completely full of anger. i was worse than alexander on his horribly rotten day! i was all single eyebrow glaring, eye rolling, yelling at cars mad. it was not pretty. i went by the evil empire to pick up a prescription and was annoyed that the stupid clinic i went to only gave me a script for two months worth of pills (what the fuck? did she not believe me when i said i'd been on them for six years?!). then i was annoyed that the other script was $12 instead of $4 because it didn't come in generic. then, i didn't have enough money. searching through my wallet didn't make any magically appear, so i told the lady i'd pick up the cheap pills that day then come back for the other ones.

then the lady behind me in line gave me two bucks and told me not to worry. she totally ruined my bad mood.

it was such a nice thing to do. she doesn't know me, i'm sure i looked angry and fussy and bleak and lord knows i might not have been so nice to a girl who looked like me. i might stay away for fear of an old-fashioned shivving. i'm not going to go all hallmark on you and tell you this lady was an angel sent to help me out, but damn. no matter how black my heart is, i was touched. i ended up being nicer to people all day. i felt guilty for muttering about mouth breathers on my way into the evil empire, only to be proven totally wrong. that two dollars bought more than pills, it smoothed out the rest of my day.

happy news, in no particular order

carving, originally uploaded by pinprick.

1. baby and i are making our first trip to the library this week. they do a preschool story time, and lucky for me i have the day off! i'm excited to introduce her to the library, and am hoping she has as much fun as i think she will.
2. i got the "new" shins album last week and i think since then i've listened to it about five hundred times. i say "new" because it came out before i went to AK, but i just now got it. when it came out i wasn't so sure about it; i really loved chutes too narrow and when that happens i worry i won't love the next album as much, but hearing james mercer on the latest modest mouse album made me change my mind. wincing the night away wasn't what i thought it was going to be like at all, but it's amazing. it's an unexpected happy surprise.
3. i get to officiate at a wedding! aunt lisa is getting hitched and i'm going to buy a pretty dress and get to be part of their happy day. whoo! i'm crazy excited about that. when it was first brought up i thought they were joking, but the more i thought about it, the more i realized what an awesome thing it would be. i spent most of my drive home from portland daydreaming about it. lots of people get married, but not a lot of people get to be the ones saying "you may now kiss the bride."
4. i just found out i get paid more to work sundays. the grocery store i'm at gives a premium for hours on that day because i guess everyone hates to work it. which is fantastic because i always work sundays.
5. i'm off to a slow start this year, but my christmas present making it coming along nicely.
6. my netflix hold comes off today, and on the top of my list is hot fuzz. i can hardly wait.

secret jewish boyfriend

oh andy samberg, with your floppy hair and adorable smile, you are one of my newest secret jewish boyfriends. you are the epitome of things i love in men including curly hair, big noses, and a smart ass sense of humor. i always fall for boys who love poop and dick jokes. i think sometimes secretly i'm a teenage boy stuck in a chubby broad's body.
perhaps you've seen andy on a little-known show, saturday night live, where he's funny in sketches but brilliant in the digital shorts he creates. who can forget such masterpieces as lazy sunday, natalie portman rapping, laser cats and the gift that keeps on giving, dick in a box. dude, he's funny. seriously funny. he's also sort of tall and lanky, and i think a lot about climbing up him. this might sound a little odd, but i always think about what people will look like when they're older; if they'll have a face interesting enough to always want to look at. it might be weird, but i think andy will be cool looking when he's old, and that appeals to me as well.
honestly, look at that face and tell me you don't like it at least a little. of course, secret jewish boyfriends don't get by on looks alone; i'm a sucker for the funny guy. funny is harder than most people give it credit for, and while denzel washington might get by playing the same stoic-faced, impossibly handsome man, i don't think he could crack me up. aside from cheap liquor, that's the fastest way to my swimsuit parts. andy samberg, congratulations on being this week's secret jewish boyfriend.

p.s. he's also hot in glasses, and like that. i like it a lot.

go computer, go!

bear face, originally uploaded by pinprick.

the drive to portland today was miserable. i was about twenty minutes late in the grand scheme of things, and ran into not just a hell of a lot of seattle traffic, but there were also about four accidents slowing me down. got here in time to kiss T goodnight and feed him candy (i hooked him up with his first pez!) and then goofed with his folks for a while.

everyone is in bed now, which would be wise of me to do as well seeing as H gets up e-a-r-l-y, but my vampire time clock says it's too early. i will just have to suffer through tomorrow, which won't be so bad seeing as i will get to spend the day with some of my favorite people. i will load up on coffee and comics and hugs from my boys. how could i sleep though a day as great as that?!

high speed internet access, how i ache to have you for myself. being here and getting on and off the computer so fast is delightful.

my niece is smarter than yours

baby on seat 1, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i have been spending a lot of time with baby lately, and while i have a million stories for you, here are a few that totally prove my assertion. i mean, i'm sure your niece is smart, but mine is going to blow that mensa shit apart, yo. if she doesn't take over the world first.

1. her new favorite shape is the star. she has a star balloon, she gets all excited when you draw them, and she spends a lot of time crawling all over me to see my tattoo stars. she especially loves the one behind my ear, which coincidentally i got with her initial in it. so she's crawling around up there the other day, and she pulls out my plugs, which have stars on them too, and then giggles and pokes around the holes in my ears. very funny. the next day she finds a pencil eraser, the kind you put on top the pencil, and she looks at it, she looks at me, and then tries to stick it in her ear. when she realizes she doesn't have earlobes big enough for it, she walks over and hands it to me, and waits patiently until i put it in my ear.
2. we're teaching her to name body parts and so far she's got her nose down, as well as her eyes and ears and stuff. when you ask her where her booty is, though, she doesn't point at it. instead she shakes what her mama gave her. she's got her own booty dance, and she's not even two!
3. pop listens to a talk radio show that uses guns n' roses music as their intro. baby drops everything to run in and listen, then she shakes it happily. i don't know if that proves she's a genius, but i do think it proves that she's going to be a lot of fun someday.

on my way out of town, just as soon as i bathe and finish packing (god, i am slow). from portland i will have access to a computer that isn't in the baby's room and i can tell you all sorts of other random things. aren't you lucky?

new library card

CDs at the Edmonds library, originally uploaded by kiltedlibrarian.

getting a new library card is downright thrilling. why? because i am a dork. a very broke dork with a need for new things to read and listen to. i went down to the library i lived in as a kid and it was so much the same. the kids section was in the same spot, the same chairs were in the corners, waiting to be sat in to read in the sun, even a lot of the librarians and aides there i recognized. one of my favorite past librarians was even there. i used to baby-sit her kids, and now they're 20 and 15! i told her i was a month away from 30 and she said, "oh amanda, i didn't need to hear that." picked up a knitting book, a book about a crazy alaskan family who live pretty much in the middle of nowhere and a set of cd's that are all edgar allen poe stories read by vincent price and basil rathbone. it's almost my favorite month of all, october, and therefore close to my favorite holiday, halloween, so i thought the stories would be fun to listen to on my way to and from work.

man, i love the library. love it. tonight i'm going to make a list of the books i want to read (by pulling them off my amazon.com wishlist!) and see if i can get them at my branch. the library in my town is tiny, but we are a big system and one of the other branches are bound to have all sorts of good things for me to read and listen to. i can hardly wait.

my hands hurt

dusty dials, originally uploaded by pinprick.

they are so dry from all the hand-washing that any little thing that bumps into them cuts me. yesterday a metal chaffing dish sliced through my thumb, leaving what feels like an extra-big paper cut on the joint. sucks. i try to slather on the lotion on breaks and before bed and on the drive to and from work, but i'm afraid soon i'm going to have mitts like asbestos, and my soft little sausage fingers are going to be tough soon. too bad.

tomorrow i have the day off so i'm trying to talk my sister into taking baby to the park with me. i could use a run around and some time on a swing!

baby interrupts my blogging!

wheel watch, originally uploaded by pinprick.

my work schedule means i'm up late at night and don't get up too early in the morning. i miss out on prime being-on-the-computer time thanks to baby's need for naps and sleep. doesn't baby know auntie needs to blog?!

work is going well. there's one old lady i work with that i totally and completely despise, but other than that i'm pretty happy. i'm getting to know people, and who knows, maybe some of them will be good for going out to have drinks with. my feet hurt less than they did when i started, and i think i might have lost some weight thanks to the heat and constant running around. people eat a lot of sliced meat and fried chicken. that's all i'm saying.

the money situation around here is embarrassing and frustrating. the captain still hasn't sent the rest of the money he owes me, i don't get paid until next week, and yesterday i had to hit up pop for gas money. whoo. it's not enough i live with my folks, i have to ask them for cash! dude, i rule.

the best thing about working in the deli are all the people i see every day. that satisfies the anthro in me; i watch them and try to figure them out and generally enjoy thinking about what their lives might be like. i hook up punk ass teenagers with extra jo-jo's, wink at old men, try not to roll my eyes as yuppie moms insist that i don't fill the smallest container all the way because they couldn't possibly eat all that potato salad, and goof with babies in carts. most of the time my shift passes so quickly that i'm in and out before i realize it.

the fisherman is on land for a while and we've been talking a lot on the phone. man, i love that. he's doing some drilling right now, working on water and oil wells. he might have this winter off and then we are discussing (gasp!) shacking up for a few months. it wouldn't actually be all that different from bunking in the same stateroom all summer, but to me it feels bigger. i have never, in all my years, wanted to shack up with a man. the closest i've come is a boy having a toothbrush at my house. a key? his stuff? using my address?! that's grown-up stuff. i'm excited though. i can't wait to see him, especially on our own terms and not on the captains.

two day weekend!

blurry ferry shot, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i had the past two days off. yesterday my sister and i spent the day at the mall, which we thought would be fun, but since we are both totally out of the loop culturally we didn't realize that the mall would be freaking insane. it was labor day, duh, and the place was packed with teenagers and families and it was totally overwhelming for both of us. we found a seafood place on the outskirts of the mall and went in and had lunch and a drink before doing any actual shopping. we needed a little fortification.

today i did some major lounging, including napping, and took baby to the park to play. she ran all over and we had a good time, but i felt dumb that i forgot my camera. that kid is photogenic, yo. after she goes to bed, my sister and i are headed to the grocery store to do a little shopping. i need some lunch supplies!

work is going well. the job itself is physically demanding, which i love. by the time i get off work i'm tired, sweaty and ready to be home. i've learned a ton of stuff this week, and think i'm doing okay. although to be honest, all the driving is indeed taking a toll. i'm going to ask if i can cut back my hours until i get a place closer to work, i think it's just too much for me. plus, pop starts radiation soon, and because i spend so much time traveling to and from work i'm not much help around the house. this leaves my sister the bulk of housework-y tasks, and with baby that's a tall order. the hours are great, and i do really enjoy the job, but i need to not be there all the time. does that make me an ass? maybe. i just thinking roasting five hundred chickens daily is less of a priority to me than taking care of my family business.

no thanks

the thing about working in a grocery store, in one of the hottest places in the store, swaddled in poly-cotton blends and dealing with armies of roasted chickens and vats of coleslaw, is that at the end of the day you kind of aren't hungry anymore. eating for me the past few days has been a task because nothing sounds good and when i do eat, i can't bear to eat anything warm. this is either going to be the best diet i've ever been on, or pretty soon i'll adjust and just start eating a few chickens every day, ripping them apart with my bare hands and shoveling the meat in.

the rotisserie chicken is one of our mainstays, and flocks of birds are consigned to the roaster every day. i like meat, i think it's tasty and being a carnivore comes pretty naturally to me, but the mass consumption of these birds sort of freaks me out. not to mention the waste that goes on. if something is going to die so that something else can eat it, like me, then i don't think it should be unceremoniously thrown out when it doesn't get bought in time. throwing away food that is perfectly acceptable but maybe not as pretty or juicy as it was isn't something i'm 100% comfortable with. i've bought those kind of chickens before, and think they are tasty and delightful, but never thought of what it takes to be able to provide hundreds of people a day with food. it's a huge operation, and while most of what we make is used and consumed, because it's such a big show there is a considerable amount of waste. in relation to the amount of food that does get eaten it's not such a big number, but on it's own it sort of overwhelms me. it also reminds me of how separated the ordinary consumer is from the food making/procuring process is. people expect to be able to walk in and buy the food they want to eat, with out much thought as to where it comes from, how it was made, what went into getting it from it's raw state to their grocery cart. when i stop to consider all the steps taken transforming raw products into packaged food items you can eat my brain almost explodes.

i also work with a bunch of teenagers and old women. there doesn't seem to be much in between; people aged 25 to 55 are scarce. i think i'm one of three. i don't mind the young kids, except sometimes they talk more than they work, but the old women and i don't get along. one of them in my department is universally loved, but i can't stand her. she's got a wicked lisp (which i know i shouldn't hold against her! but i am shallow), can't hear for shit, and is always talking down to me in the sweetest, most grandmotherly voice. you can use any tone you want, but telling me to not sell meat that's been on the floor still seems fairly condescending to me.

last but not least, i'm not totally in love with the driving. being in the car for two hours a day (usually two and half) isn't so awful, but i did apply for a job closer to home with the county and if i get an interview for that one, i'm taking it. it would be a city job with good benefits, and i wouldn't have to wear a vest and tie every day and i'm not opposed to that.

sleep-deprived

work is going well. it's tough work sometimes, but i like that i'm up-up-up and the day goes by quickly. the other women i work with seem to be fun, but as usual i'm sort of a spaz this first week. learning all this new stuff, combined with the long hours and the hours a day spent in my car means i'm kind of over-thinking things and not sleeping so great. i'm not complaining! any new period of adjustment makes me like this, but i do really enjoy the job and even though my uniform makes me look 500 lbs heavier than i am (i look like a square woman) i think i'm going to be happy doing this. every day i have some interesting conversation with someone about meat (the difference between pastrami and corned beef) and that makes it all worthwhile. i have to say though, the worst thing about the job is that i don't get to see baby as much. weird how much i miss her now that i'm out all day carving meat and scooping potato salad out of giant vats.

my fisherman is home in homer, which excites me because i've talked to him two times in as many days. talking to him on the phone rules. in his line of work phone calls are few and far between, and while they're all nice to get, when you get to talk to someone more often you can talk about all the stupid little things you're thinking about. i wouldn't want to spend a lot of time telling him about some stuff if i know i'm only going to get ten minutes of time with him that month, you know? now i get to ramble at him about how i wear a vest at work, and dude? who thought of vests? they are not cool.

okay, you're bored. i know i am. i have to get ready for work and hopefully i'll have more interesting things to tell you later this week. ooh, i got a haircut. i'll take a photo and post it later. you can all debate whether or not it makes my face look a full moon.

certified food worker

seasick, originally uploaded by pinprick.

took my food handler's test today! i was hoping to be able to brag about getting 100%, but i missed two questions. drat. i also fueled up my car for cheap on the rez, had my oil changed, and found a copy of the cartoon based on george orwell's animal farm for baby at the evil empire (for only $1!). that i found it there of all places tickled me immensely, and knowing i can indoctrinate her in my pinko ways early is a cheerful thought as well. "see, baby? that's not how to do socialism. this is why the USSR fell." genius!

i feel so out of the loop music and movie and pop culture wise since coming home from alaska, so i've been buying a glut of records. i had the new modest mouse before i left, but not enough time to add it to my mp3 player. verdict: i fucking love that album. the song florida makes me think of colorado in a bittersweet way, and while i read reviews that said johnny marr wasn't a "standout" on the record i would have to disagree. i might be full of shit, but i feel like i can hear this difference between his guitar and everyone else's. i talked my sister into buying some amy winehouse, and while i wanted to dislike it and her because she's just so outrageous, i find i'm totally smitten with both. the album is great, and i can see why rehab was such a hit this summer. i listen to this album on repeat these days, i can't get enough. her sixties girl-group sound is evocative without being a total rip-off, and i'm pretty sure on one song she actually uses the word "fuckery" which makes her my hero. new white stripes: it bores me, but makes me want to dye my hair black. new interpol: i won't say there's much on this album i haven't heard before, but i don't care because i love interpol. i'm not always so sure a band has to do a bunch of new stuff all the time in order to be interesting. interpol sounds like interpol, and that is okay with me.

i put a couple new photos up over on flickr, some doodles of my trip and stuff. go look!

it's never enough

tie, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i start working this tuesday, which is sort of exciting. they called me back in the other day although it wasn't for my second interview; they liked me enough to just skip that and let me come in for my orientation and to take my pee test. i picked up my fancy new uniform (apron and hat) and then went and picked out the rest of the pieces like non-slip shoes and dark pants. it sucks sometimes having to spend money to make money, but what can you do?

of course pop was irritated when i wasn't working and made sure to point that out when he could, so i got a job and now he's unhappy with that. he thinks it doesn't pay enough, he doesn't think i'll like it, he's not happy i'm not using my degree, and on and on. you can't win with him, and you can argue with him either so i'm just avoiding any conversation about it. yes, it doesn't pay a massive amount, but i think it's better than not getting paid. plus, working in a grocery store has a few advantages; discounts on food, a wide variety of positions, and grocery stores are everywhere. you get in with one and if you move it's easier to get in with another.

you would think that anyone who's known me as long as my family has would just resign themselves to the fact that i am not exactly career-oriented. work is work, i don't particularly care for it but i need to make money. i don't ever want to do anything forever, so why would i want a career? why would i want to do the same thing, day in and day out, for the rest of my life? working in the deli of a grocery store might not be what anyone had in mind for me, but i'm happy. the work sounds interesting, you get to see a variety of people every day, there are some days when you get to hang out in the back cooking, and the best thing is you go in, work and go home. if i don't feel like thinking about potato salad when i leave, then i don't have to. of course, all this might change once i actually start working there, but why does everyone have to rain on my parade? damn. i like the idea of it enough to apply, enough to put on a nice skirt for the interview and enough to take the job. i think that should be enough.

it's frustrating to have this talk with everyone whenever i get a new job. who really cares what i do as long as i'm doing it? i don't. well, i guess i do since i'm complaining about it. i'm just tired of having to explain myself to people i think would know me better by now. i am who i am, and no amount of wishing or poking or prodding is going to make me suddenly more ambitious. at heart, i'm just to lazy to care about work. it's a necessary evil, and i think career is a four-letter word i don't want to be best friends with. honestly, i could think of a million other things to dislike about me other than that. i hate the idea of what i do for a living defining who i am. it's just a job. everyone insists i have one, but then when i get one it's not good enough. nothing is ever enough. man, this week has felt shitty. my blog is suffering from all the complaints too. i promise the next post won't be so tiresome.

aprons

aprons, originally uploaded by pinprick.

this morning i was a tiny mess thinking, "oh my gosh it's ten a.m. and no one's called, they said they'd call this morning and what if this means i jinxed myself?!" but then they called and this afternoon i'm going in for the official job offer and to fill out massive piles of paperwork.

i will be wearing an apron again as part of my uniform, the same way i did over at finko's! i liked wearing an apron, they have pockets you can put stuff in. my dress code also includes wearing a tie, which i find hilarious. i picked one out at target yesterday that is black with tiny white stripes and makes you dizzy when you look at it too hard. the only part of my uniform/dress code i don't much care for is that i have to wear a ball cap every day. if you have bangs, then you know why that sucks. it mooshes them and means when you take the hat off, you look like a drowned rat. whatever. my non-slip shoes are the real prize though; totally orthopedic and chunky they make me feel like a sprightly 60 year old.

i'll have more information for you after i get back, all of which i'm sure will be riveting.

jobby job

CRISPS, originally uploaded by dedoorg.

i got a job, suckers. wait, i'm the sucker for working. damn!

i haven't technically been offered the job, not in an official way, but they french kissed me on the way out of my interview, so i'm pretty sure that job is mine.

i'll be your new grocery store clerk. i am so fabulous, so high class now, though, that we might not be able to be friends anymore. after all, i'll be slicing deli meats extra thin and you'll just be contributing something to society.

(i joke! no matter how big i become we'll always be friends. even if i get all the way up to courtesy clerk, which everyone knows is pretty high on supermarket food chains.)

cancer dad!

as many of you know, earlier this summer my pop was diagnosed with T-cell lymphoma. since then he's gone through chemo, lost all his hair, is preparing for radiation, and got a wicked case of pneumonia. needless to say, his summer hasn't been all reading on the beach and drinking beers delightful for him. he's in good shape, and looks fantastic bald, but let's face it: he doesn't want to be cancer dad any more than we want him to be.

to that end, my mom and her good friend jen are raising money for The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team In Training and want to compete in the Nike Women's Marathon In San Francisco. in order to race, though, they need a certain amount of money in donations. which brings us to the part of the post when i ask you nicely to drop a few bucks in their cup.

anything you donate would be seriously appreciated. it doesn't have to be big money, and you don't even have to leave your name. mom and jen are a little under half-way to their goal, and we've been doing all sorts of fund raisers. tonight we're headed down to the fishmonger in langley to do a brownie fund raiser (you get a delicous brownie in exchange for your donation!), we're having a big yard sale on labor day weekend, and we're all knitting and working on projects for a silent auction. if you would like to help us out and learn more about the Team in Training program, you can visit mom and jen's site here. i promise this won't be something i bug you about constantly, but i thought "i have a blog, i could put a little something up and maybe that would help." in any case, it can't hurt. thanks for reading this far!

(you know i wouldn't ask you if i didn't think it was important, and if it makes you feel any better dad is totally going to kill me for putting up that photo. that is, if he finds out, which i'm hoping he doesn't. personally, i think he rocks the bald look, but he's not so thrilled with it.)

suck-tastic!

tiny cupcake 2, originally uploaded by pinprick.

today has sucked ass in a major way. i don't know how much longer i can live at home, looking for jobs is lame, i got into a huge fight today with my sister that ended up with my pop wanting to have a talk with me (which i think was ridiculous since she was the one that started it), and i got to talk to my fisherman which just made me miss him more. i'm frustrated and irritated and would like a cocktail. i need my own place. too bad i need a job first! i'm going to have to ask some people about maybe staying with them for a while; the house really is just way too small for all of us. if i had the money (if i get paid the rest of the boat captain owes me) i could move first and then look for a job, but right now i just don't have the funds. i think we'd all get along a lot better if we had our own space, and personally i would feel a lot less depressed about being here if i weren't living with mom and pop. this is sort of the last place i wanted to end up, you know?

if i had a bed i'd crawl into it and never get out. shit.

i suck at chores

things i did get done:

1. vacuumed house
2. did dishes
3. bleached out kitchen sink
4. tidied bedroom (but still needs to be actually cleaned)
5. folded clothes
6. ordered a new shirt from the achewood site (the dude and catastrophe!), as well as some stickers. my car has a nasa sticker on it right now (why? i don't know), and that needs to be remedied.
   

things i did not do and probably won't do:

1. clean out the garage

walking into that garage is totally depressing. it's packed with stuff that needs to be either thrown out, organized, or taken to the thrift store. a big chunk of it isn't mine, either, so i'm not sure what to do with it. i'm hoping i can enlist my mom and sister one weekend to combat it together; if not i'll have to work on it this week. it's just such a sucky job! man.

we got two cute mormon missionaries today. i love those kids. i told them that i love their people, and respect what they do and their faith, but that we're a house of lapsed catholics. we talked about their mission, where they were from, how much longer they have and all that. they were impressed by my knowledge of all things mormon, and the left me with a nice pamphlet and their number in case i "needed anything." what nice kids.

i did apply for a few jobs today, and am getting ready to write some cover letters for resumes that need to be put in the mail. looking at apartments, wondering whether or not living with my sister is going to kill me. i love her, and our plan to get a place together would save us both a ton of money (especially if we live here), which i could put toward major move #3's fund. doing what's best and most practical isn't exactly my strong suit right now, but i'm trying real hard. i think once we're actually in a place where we have our own space things will be easier. right now i'm basing our potential living environment on four adults and one toddler living in a house the size of a shoe box. we're not at each other's throats all the time, but i admit we have our moments. if i could do whatever i wanted i'd get the hell out of here and head south to portland like i'd planned. it just doesn't make sense in a financial way, blah blah blah. being a grown-up rules when it means cocktails and watching late-night cartoons, but sucks when it comes to fiscal issues.

i have chores

seriously. chores. as in; a list of things my mom insists i get done today before she gets home this afternoon. chores! sometimes living with your folks will make you feel 16, so if you ever think about moving back in at 29 you should take that into consideration.

after i get my chores done (cleaning out the garage, vacuuming the house, tidying up the living room and kitchen, cleaning my room) i guess i will look for a job and maybe go into town to use a faster computer. i also want to sew a new tote bag out of the lotta jansdotter book i bought before i went to alaska. i have some cute red and turquoise fabric i found at the evil empire* the other day; i'm planning on making the bottom red with a set of turquoise knitting needles embroidered on it, and making the top turquoise. my mom and a friend of hers are also doing a lot of fund raising to walk in this marathon and i'm working on some stuff for them to auction off. so far i'm knitting a hat and think i will make some more totes if they turn out half as cute as i expect them to. we're not sure yet if we're going to host a real-live auction or do it on-line or what, but since i can't walk in it i'm trying to do my part by making stuff. have any of you done any fund raising like this? do you have any ideas or tips for me? i'd appreciate any suggestions you might have. thanks!

*i will not refer to the store by name, but rest assured i'm against shopping there for the most part, but on an island with limited stores and for a girl with limited funds i find myself there more often than i'd like. i'm torn between feeling horribly guilty and excited that the fabric i bought was only $2.

fuzzy happy

fuzzy happy, originally uploaded by pinprick.

this is the best thing about being home right now. i know i tend to gush about maggie and the boys, but i can't help it. i've never met a group of smart, funny, adorable kids like this. yes, they are mine and i'm biased, but i dare you to hang out with any of them and not come away with the same conclusion.

baby and i have a lot of fun together. she likes to crawl up and down me like she's a monkey and i'm a tree, i sing "shake shake shake" and she wiggles her booty, she cuddles with me for some spongebob in the afternoon even though mom doesn't dig it because it's not "educational" enough (what's not education about a sponge that lives in a pineapple under the sea?!), and i get to give her a bath most nights. the bath part of the day is probably our favorite because we listen to the radio, blow bubbles and get to splash all over. of course, the last few days i realized that if i end up living with her and her mom (my sister) then i'm going to have to actually follow the rules and get better at saying "no." today was the first day of trying it out, and for both of us it was a bit of a shock. although after the initial crying and looks of oh-my-god-i-liked-you-how-can-you-be-so-cruel? she would just snap out of it and crawl up me like nothing happened. staying strong while she weeps and gives you the saddest looks on earth is hard work, but i think after a few weeks it will start to feel normal for both of us. i mean, that's how it works, right?!

at 18 months old she's already very inquisitive and talkative and curious about everything, which means we're all on our toes most of the time. she can be totally naughty, like all kids, but i think right now more than anything we're all just settling into living together and she's figuring out what her boundaries are. i'll probably always be a bit more lenient with her (she can taste pretty much anything i eat or drink, and even though we're trying to instill good table manners with her i still let her pick off my plate), but i promise she won't get to juggle knives or have cocktails with me until she's at least 6.

secret jewish boyfriend

welcome to my newest topic: secret jewish boyfriend. inspired by the secret boyfriend posts on spacebeer's blog, as well as the five hundred viewings of short circuit on the boat this summer*, i've decided to let you know who my favorite jewish boyfriends are. after all, it was always my plan to meet a nice jewish boy and settle down to have cute half-jewish kids. i think dating an irish fisherman might make that dream a little less of a reality though, so i'm going to need someplace to extol the virtues of hot judaic men.
since it was guttenberg that started it all, he should start the series, don't you think? i know, i know, he may not be high on most women's lists of hot men, but can you honestly claim that steve isn't a handsome man? look at those dreamy eyes and tell me you don't want to make out with him at least a little. plus, he's got a great head of hair, and we all know i love that in a man.
look at steve's chest! look at his abs! he might have starred in movies that made him out to be a lovable schlub, but look at all the hotness he was hiding underneath his clothes. in the 80's you could hardly see a movie without him in it, while today he makes smaller appearances on tv shows and in movies.
he's even aging well. this photo is not so great since imdb won't let you copy photos and i had to screen save it, but you can still see how steve's appeal is in no way diminishing as he gets older. if anything, he's as hot as he was before. still has great hair, still has that wonderful smile, still makes think wistfully about making out with him. i bet in hollywood dating circles he's a hot commodity.

here you have it, the first installment of secret jewish boyfriend. like your secret boyfriend, only one of the chosen people.

*it was one of four kid-friendly movies on the boat and while the kids were up, that's what we watched. after viewing #304 i started thinking about how steve guttenberg is a totally underrated actor and while he may not be known for huge dramatic pieces or as a conventional ladies man, acting in such a way that makes it seem like he's the boy-next-door and not actually acting is a harder thing to pull off than most people realize. then i started thinking about other guys like that, then i started thinking about cute jewish boys and before i had to make dinner i made a list to use when i got home. now we can have an internet coffee klatch about mensches we love, thanks to steven guttenberg.

on phones and letters and buses

larsen bay cannery, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i got a call from the fisherman today. talking to him was great, especially since i didn't think i'd get to for a while, but when we got off the phone i felt all sad and mopey. to counteract that, i got out of the house. i'm at the coffee shop (again! god, i never drink this much coffee.), blogging and reading blogs and thinking about jobs and money and all that jazz.

you all know i'm totally neurotic, so the next paragraph won't surprise you any. i've also been over-analyzing and dissecting my phone conversation with the boy, while i drink my iced americano and hunt down new sock patterns to knit. i think he might have mentioned staying in alaska this winter for a job, which was always part of the plan but he might be you know, actually around and not on a boat. i told him i was excited for him and that i would be there for sure in a year to live, which i think totally missed the point . if he gets a job where he gets to stay on land then i could go there earlier. moving to alaska sounds insane, i know, but not any more insane than running off on a fishing trip with a boy i hardly know. i just don't want to do it when i have to do it alone; i want him to be there for a while to help me adjust and get settled. he has months where he doesn't work so that's totally feasible when you look at it from a fishing point of view. however, if he isn't shackled to a boat, then he could work while i move up there and get settled and that would motivate me to get out of the house and get my own job. (either that or i would invest in cable tv and gain three hundred pounds.) now will he think i don't want to live there? did i miss my cue? he would tell me if i did, i think. plus, he's not mr. beat around the bush. see?! this is why you don't want to live in my brain.

other than that, talking to him was awesome. i also put a package in the mail for him today. included in it were some new underpants (i know! awful, right? but his boxers are all trashed and who wants to spend their one day off a month buying something so mundane?), sunflower seeds, magazines, candy and sharpies. on a boat, sharpies can be used as currency in much the same way smokes are used in prison. or maybe that was just the boat i was on. i love sending stuff out in the mail, and have been writing to him a little every day and then making one big letter a week to send off. well, i haven't quite been here a week, but you know what i mean.

at home we're all settling into a routine that works for us. tonight i'm going to make a little spot in one of the closets to hang up one of those sweater organizers so i can keep some stuff inside and not out in the garage. i am seriously sick to death of living out of suitcases and duffel bags. having an 18 month old around is taking some getting to in addition, not in a bad way. i just have to remember to put sharp things up and sneak her soda when mom isn't watching. baby is a freaking delight to be around, and already she hugs me and cuddles with me. she's a genius like all my nephews too, and we can spend forever playing "where's your nose? teeth?" etc. she's a bit mischevious, though, and the other day she was doing something naughty but clever and my pop sighed and said, "it's too bad she's an evil genius."

speaking of nephews, this weekend my sweetie boy T turns 4 and i get to see him and all my portland peeps! i have to take a bus, which sort of super sucks, but as long as i get there i don't care. man, i missed you guys. i know i said that while i was gone, but being home now makes me realize it all the more. if i move to alaska, will you still love me? you can come and visit...it's real pretty up there and i know how to cook caribou now. i'll keep my inflatable bed, just in case. (wink wink)

more socks

green and orange socks, originally uploaded by pinprick.

hello, stripey goodness. here is one of each of the last two pairs i knit. self-striping yarn is the only way to go.

okay, enough knitting nerdiness. i just had to share.

glut

two posts in one day! this wifi at the coffee shop paired with my mom's macbook totally makes me hot. if i had a penis, it would be erect right now. i know that makes me a nerd, but whatever. i am a happy nerd.

i learned to knit socks in alaska. this was my first finished pair. for years, literally, i've been trying to knit socks but just couldn't finish a pair. i'd get started and get all excited and work away happily until the heel and gusset parts, and then i'd get all discouraged and either rip it all out or shove the project into the bottom of a basket to be forgotten. in alaska, though, i ran out of yarn and this was the only thing left to work on. if you are trying to learn something and get blocked, i would recommend taking an extended boat trip. it worked wonders for me. in the end i knit two complete pairs and have finished one more. today my sister indulged me and we went to my favorite yarn store in anacortes (anna cross stitch!) where i picked up more sock yarn. i am heady with the knowledge that i can indeed make socks, and only make crazy stripey ones in big colors. i'll take photos of the other socks i've made so you can see those later. now that i can do it and am so pleased with the results i need a good pair of mary janes to show them off. i'm thrilled.

speaking of nerdiness, yesterday i ran into my high school history teacher. he was without a doubt the only reason i graduated from high school. he was interesting and excited about what he taught, and he focused my attention on something i never would have thought i'd be interested in. because of him i still give mini-tours to my friends when on the island and i still hunt down old books about the history of western washington. he introduced me to margaret mead and the state archives and college libraries and tofu, and for that i'll always be grateful. we had a great chat, where i told him i ran off to alaska with a redhead (he's a redhead too) and he told me where i should look for jobs and that redheaded men should be kept. walking away i told my friend that it was that teacher that made me love my nerdiness, never let us me feel embarassed for being interested in anything or being smart, and hooked me up with what would be my best high school friends. i might have been a nerd and a know-it-all and a dork in high school, but so were some other great kids and dammit, we were happy nerds. i still am, thanks to that man. that's why i can gush about high speed internet connections and stripey socks on my blog and not feel weird. seeing him yesterday made me feel great. it's totally been the highlight of being in town so far; i usually dread running into anyone i know, but now i feel more comfy about being here.

surreality

yellow crocs, originally uploaded by pinprick.

it is weird being home. this was the only place i wanted to be, but i find myself all itchy and wanting to get out and feeling restless now that i'm here. does that make me a total ass? i just feel sort of out of place, i guess. i know my people are glad to have me back, but there's a lot going on and at the homefront we can be a bit testy with one another.

my dad just got out of the hospital; he spent a week there with a wicked case of pneumonia and now has to use a big wheezing oxygen machine to help him breathe. the good news is his chemo is pretty much over, and next they move him on to radiation. i was afraid his being bald would freak me out, but he's damn handsome that way. his head is perfectly round, and he looks so tidy and at the same time totally badass. he's like mr. clean and the king of siam rolled into one! in short, he looks good. he doesn't feel great right now, but the doctors assure us the oxygen isn't a permanent fixture and that he's doing well. it's affecting us all in different ways and while our main concern is him doing okay and being comfortable i think it stresses us ladies of the house out. being able to actually see my dad and hang out with him also makes the cancer a real thing. it was scary before, but now i'm terrified. i'm also still skittish from all the yelling on the boat find myself trying so hard not to step on anyone's toes and/or get in the way. it's all very weird, like i said before. not weird in an awful, get-me-the-hell-out-of-here way, but it is stranger. it all feels extra surreal, but i'm sure by this weekend it will feel totally normal.

being with my niece absolutely fucking rules. that kid cracks me up. while i wasn't exactly aching to move back to the island i will admit that the chance to live with her for a while and get to know her is too good to pass up. if i stay here and live with her and my sister we'll also be able to save a lot of money and that would help me get back on my feet again. if i'm serious about moving to alaska next year this would be a good place to be.

i missed a call from my fisherman today. i wish i'd been there to get it, i was all bummed out after pop told me. it's only been three days but i'm not liking the separation part of this. i know it's par for course and growing up with a dad who was gone most of the time for work (navy) i always kind of suspected i would end up with a sailor. my uncles were always gone too, thanks to uncle sam, and this is how i thought all married people were. being on the boat for a few months as well i know what the boy is up to, and how days fly by when you work and don't have access to the outside world via tv, papers, radio or mail. three days probably feels a lot longer to me than it does him, and i know that his work isn't all fun and games and beer drinking. he works hard, harder than anyone i've ever known. i just want to talk him. already i've sent letters because it feels so strange to spend a day not just chit chatting. that was one of my favorite parts of the day; when we'd be in our bunks, talking before falling asleep. it was like slumber party goodness every night!

i should go look through monster.com and the local paper for a job. i borrowed mom's macbook and am sitting outside the local coffee shop that has wifi. they're closed, of course, so i'm roughing it by computing from the car. ha! roughing it. taking a shower every day now feels all decadent, and everyone says i smell like diesel, although i still can't smell it myself. i might have a little culture shock, which isn't a bad thing. it's actually sort of a fun thing to be able to say, it makes me feel like a worldly traveler. also kind of dorky for even thinking that, but if culture shock is the biggest of my complaints right now, i think i'm doing okay.

stories!

pull tops, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i have tons of stuff to tell you, but my niece sleeps in the computer room and goes to bed e-a-r-l-y. you can't try to sneak in there when she's asleep either; she wakes right up.

today was a good day overall. maggie and i spent the day together, and i think we had fun. she's an easy kid though; very happy and pretty much anything entertains her. she's also crazy cute and inquisitive, and so it's fun to wander around with her and answer her questions. she's not exactly speaking yet (she's 18 months old), she can say words and is loving saying "hi!" "bye!" and "oh, no!" but i swear she makes a sound that is almost exactly "what's that?" it's funny.

i also ran into my favorite high school teacher* at the local arts and crafts festival and had an ice cream cone today, so i would consider that a success. tomorrow i start looking for a job and trying to get out of my parent's house. and hopefully i'll get a chance to do some real blogging and reading and pay some bills.

*i want to tell you about that in more detail tomorrow, so if i forget, please remind me. thanks!

i'm home!

cannery dock, originally uploaded by pinprick.

well, almost. right now i'm in the lobby of a cheap hotel, waiting for the airport shuttle to take me back to seatac so i can catch another shuttle back to the island. i got into town late last night; it was sort of a madcap trip involving three planes, a million layovers and one very sleep amanda, but i made it home all in one piece and as soon as i get onto the island and unpack my (fishy) clothes and have a drink i will tell you more.

i did leave a bit earlier than the other kids, but not in a bad way. there basically wasn't much left for me to do, and after three months at sea i wanted to be home. it's bittersweet of course; sleeping without my boy is hard and knowing it will be a few months before i get to see him again is harder, but i forget how much i love taking taxis and being in the city. there are so many options here! it's fantastic.

got to go!

i am really not this down

"M/V COUGAR ACE" disabled in the Pacific Ocean, originally uploaded by Tidewater Muse.

reading my last post makes me sound all down on alaska, which isn't the case. at the same time, i'm not packing my bags to move here just yet. it's hard; things with the fisherman are really good but i don't love my work enviornment. (the work itself is fine, i have no problem with that.) i don't know that i've ever gotten along this well with someone. what i like about him is that when i do get fussy, when we do fight, we can do it big and loud for three minutes and then it's over. it's the same way we fight in my family, and i love that he never has to have the same conversation over and over again. you can actually resolve shit with him in one go. plus, he's cute and the making-out stuff is super rad. if you asked me to tell you exactly why i like him so much, why being with him makes going through all this other shit worthwhile i don't think i could give you a good answer. i'm not even sure i could make a good list, and lord knows i'm good at listing shit. there are things i don't like about him, sure, but they're small things. part of me doesn't want to talk too much about the whole boyfriend part of alaska, but that doesn't seem fair to you or even to me. the fisherman is a big part of this, and when he left and i came with it was simply because i wasn't ready for whatever we had going on to be over. i thought a few weeks on a boat would cure me and i could go home but it isn't that simple.

we might not grow up and get married and have kids, i might go home after this and we fail miserably at the whole long-distance thing, or we might have a good story to tell at family gatherings. he makes me happier than i thought was possible, and he makes me crazy in a way i've never experienced. this is the first time i've ever lived with a man, and with anyone else i think i would have killed them by now. we still share a stateroom, and that's saying something. in some ways it is a bit of an adjustment going from happy spinsterhood to this, but everyone is surprised at how well i'm doing, including my mother and the fisherman. being in a relationship with someone was never important enough for me to make any changes in my life, be they little or big. i never moved in with anyone, i never changed the way i did stuff, i never gave anyone the key to my apartment or let them drive my car. this is totally foreign to me in a lot of ways, but i think any new relationship with anyone is filled with uncharted terrain you have to navigate. for me, it's just a bigger area.

in conclusion, i'm not totally unhappy and mopey here. i think i'm suffering from a case of burn-out and needing to vent. this week hasn't been great, and neither was the last week i got to talk to you, but there have been good times in between. i'm curious what i'll think about all this in hindsight, but right now i'm glad i made this decision. if i could get off the boat tomorrow, i probably would, but it wouldn't change the way i feel about my fisherman or our relationship. if anything, i think it would make it better. i can't do that though, so i'm sucking it up for another month (fuck!) and making some more money.

*it might be another month. it could be two weeks. it could be in between. who knows? our plans literally changed three times today. every time i hike up the hill to use the port-o-pottie i come back to new information.

home in homer

gillnetter boat, originally uploaded by pinprick.

we're getting about 12 hours in homer before we head up to larsen bay to do some seine tendering. larsen bay is by kodiak, and i hear seine tendering is a lot more fun than tendering for gillnetters.

being away from the phone and internet for a month was hard. having no contact with the people i love sucked. it was harder than living in colorado in some ways; at least in colorado i could call home every day if i felt like it and send emails to friends. i felt pretty isolated. talking to my mom and sister last night on the phone cheered me up some, but at the same time it makes my homesickness sharper. i have these crazy vivid dreams about my people that make me not want to get out of bed some mornings.

i am most definitely tired of life on the boat. i quit once, even, i hated it so much, but the logistics of getting back to land and home were dizzying and so i sucked it up. i will never work on this boat again, i know that much for sure. i'm not sure if i'll ever work on any boat again, but i can say that once i get off this boat i'm never getting back on. to be frank, the captain and i don't quite get along. he doesn't get along with most people, true, but i have never been one to put up with petty bullshit for any length of time, and if this were a job i had in the real world i would have walked out ages ago. i think he might have some anger management issues. all i know is i think he's a dick and i want to be home.

on bad days i feel like i wasted this summer. on good days i think about all the amazing shit i've seen, including tiny little squid-lets swimming up toward our lights at night; they were no bigger than my pinky but flashing fierocious red and white, snatching up even tinier fish that were also attracted to the light. phosphorescent plankton is eerie and lovely, and when you drive through it in the boat it flashes like static electricity. puffins are both adorable and ridiculous. bristol bay is sort of a shit hole; everything is the same steely grey color and i'm glad to be out of there. shelikof straight is positively prehistoric with tall towers of striated rocks nestled between rolling hills of green. i've seen bears and seals and otters and huge schools of jellyfish. i've also gotten crazy seasick and spent a lot of time in my bunk wishing for death.

at the beginning i wondered if i would feel at home here right away, but i still find myself talking about my "real life" back home. parts of alaska are comfortable to me, like a certain fisherman and his family, but i think after this experience i'm going to need a few months to digest and decide if this is someplace i could live. i think on my terms i could do it, but not this way. love is a grand and stupid thing, but even i'm not that dumb. i'm not a fisherman, or fisherwoman, or even a very good deckhand. i could be good at waiting patiently at home and pining while going about my life, but as much as i love being on the ocean and waking up to the salty smell and falling asleep to the rocking, this is not my true vocation. i'm okay with that. my fisherman is okay with that. i have a beter understanding of what he does and why, and i think knowing exactly what he's going through when he's out here will help us in the long run (should there be one).

all i want right this second, though, is to get my check, go home, count my funds and make a plan for the future. i t urn 30 very soon and i know i had a list of things i wanted to do before that happened! i'd like to take a silversmithing class when i get home, i'd like to make plans to visit friends down south when it isn't crazy hot, i would even like to go back to colorado and see my friends there. i want to curl up on the couch with tiernan and comic books and see how huge henry is and goof around with jude. maggie is talking more and more, and even though pop is bald and grumpy i miss him too. i want to have a drink with my mom and sister and look at photos together and fall asleep knowing if i want to sleep in no one will yell at me. i feel burnt out and don't want to end up regarding this trip negatively when so many great things have happened out here. like george costanza i'm going to try to end it on a high note.

hi! hi! hi!

bambalito's, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i'm pretty sure it's been over a month since i posted. it's been that long since i had access to the world wide interweb, i know that. i also spent an entire month without touching land once! whoo! new amanda record.

still in alaska. hoping to have enough internet access tomorrow to write a real post, but just wanted you all to know that i am still alive, i have yet to throw my fisherman overboard, and have come to terms with the fact that i smell like fish constantly now. i miss you. i miss my bed, or at the very least the idea of a bed. i have a million things to tell you, none of which are hugely excited but some of them are fun stories. i'm still having fun, but i'm ready to come home. xoxoxo