well this was inevitable

it wasn't a fight, exactly, but it wasn't fun. a very, very late conversation was initiated last night that ate most of my sleep time away. then this morning after three hours of sleep and the latest start on earth (i was a half hour late to work because the boyfriend forgot to set the alarm!) i find out that he might have been spazzing out because he'd had too many beers and not enough dinner.

i understand that it's normal for people to feel kind of freaked out by how they feel, but i've never understood the need to have a talk about "what if you leave me." i've also never been good at talking about my feelings, except to describe them as ones that feel good, and ones that feel lousy. i am woefully inept at the "talk" which makes me most guys fantasy girl. however, my man likes to talk about his feelings because he's a goddamn hippy*. just because i'm not good at it doesn't mean i can't do it, or am unwilling. however, at two a.m. when i am confused and tired you probably shouldn't bring up the big issues of your various insecurities because i will go into panic/confused mode and not be any good at listening or knowing what's going on.

i will also end up irritated that i'm exhausted all day at work while your teachers let you go home early because you look tired and they love you. i'm not mad, exactly, and i think in the end we had a good talk and he feels better about a lot of things, but dammit. today just kind of sucked.

*i might have a touch of the premenstruals, making me more snippy than usual!

lest you think i'm all blinded by love

i have, in fact, spent some quality time with my girlfriends and will admit that the boyfriend is awesome but falls short on a few fronts. for one, he can't make a decent cup of coffee. dear lord, it's not hard. it's true his coffee pot is sort of shitty, but his coffee is just impossible. i will choke a cup down in the morning because i have to, not because i want to. also, he wears clogs. not just any clogs; but brown man-clogs that are approximately five hundred years old. what's funny is he hardly ever wears anything else brown. he also lives in sweatpants when he is not at work or going to or from school, which, when paired with the brown man-clogs of doom make him look ridiculous. adorable, yes, but he is amazing in his ability to look handsome while clownish at the same time.

okay, maybe i'm a little blinded by my affection for him.

i have work related stuff to tell you too, but to be honest, i'm hoping to get into work early tomorrow and make some cash money. that means going to bed now! before i go, though, your stories ruled. i hope this one turns out as well.

the boyfriend just came over to my house for some much-appreciated, adults-only, alone time. not to say we don't both just dig the hell out of his kids, but sometimes we want to make-out on the couch and not have a smart-ass 14 year old go "ewww..." news flash! grown-ups sometimes want to snog and grope while watching tv! we were, after all, teenagers once.

we've passed the one month mark. of course things are all still hearts and stars and kissing in the kitchen when we think no one's looking, which is pretty normal for this stage in a relationship, but i'm telling you this: it feels like more than your standard honeymoon phase. it feels better, which is to say it feels like feathers and sparklers and tickles and bites. hard to describe, but not too hard to feel. it still feels big and makes me giggle, and 24 hours without seeing him still seems like days. i can't get enough of him.

here's what i wanted to ask you, though; when did you know? is there a "too soon" when you meet someone seriously awesome? i vacillate between wanted to climb something high and shout about how fantastic and wonderful he is, and feeling shy like it's too soon, like i can't possibly know what i'm talking about and should keep my pie hole shut. so i'm curious about your story, when you knew you loved someone, how you knew, if you told the whole world or kept it a secret for a while. i want to talk to someone about it, and you guys have got to have a few good stories for me.

i love breakfast at the boyfriend's house. today in addition to lovely hashbrowns, eggs, and bacon, we made pancakes with the batter blaster, for the sheer novelty of using a can of pressurized pancake batter. i'm sure the boyfriend's homemade pancakes are better, but to be honest, the batter blaster hotcakes were pretty good. smeared with a little marionberry jam, or dunked in runny egg yolk they were delicious. they were lighter and fluffier than i thought pancakes out of a can would be.

i'm going to switch my shifts around this week and start taking sundays off. we'd talked about it before, but both of us (me and him!) kept the day to make a little extra, and blah blah, but it's hard to have no time off at all. i do want to be able to spend a whole day goofing off with him, and how will hot sauce banana ever get off the ground if we don't have time to devote to thinking up album and song titles? these things are important!

i'm incredibly excited about tomorrow as well. i'm hoping we don't have a 9 a.m. appointment, so i can run inside and watch the inauguration on tv as it happens. i kind of already feel like i might cry, so if i get a bit misty while watching, you know, history in the making, please don't make fun. thanks!

hola, kiddos

when i started my new job, the boss man said there was an opportunity for me to work with the CT/PET scan team as well. i didn't think much about it, just gave a pleasant sound like, "hmm, interesting" and let it pass. got an email this morning that two times a month i'll get an extra two full days working with that team if i want it, which means i can leave the grocery gig for good. the four days a month i'd work for the CT/PET scan would more than make up for the eight days a month i'd work slinging chicken. it would be an extra 32 hours a month, for one, whereas at the grocery story right now i'm getting about forty. i make almost $2 an hour more, though, so working less would actually pay me more. seems like a no-brainer. a delightful, surprising no-brainer.

it feels like things are going well for me at the hospital. i'm making new friends (yeah, i said that out loud!), relaxing, getting used to the routine, and while i still have stuff to learn i don't feel overwhelmed. it's kind of nice. the normal hours, wearing of ordinary clothes, being treated like i'm not a retard, all these things are growing on me. plus, i get to work on crossword puzzles, watch cool medical stuff being done, and once a nice old lady told me i was a sweetheart and kissed me on the cheek. awesome. ooh, and today the cafeteria was giving out free cookies.

days like today are amazing. my boyfriend made me the sweetest bento lunch, i got a free cookie with my coffee this morning, the boss man came into town and we had a nice chat (which added half an hour onto my day!), and i got to know one of my coworkers better (i only see her once a week, but she's super cool). tomorrow i get to go in early, make more money, see my man and wear something cute. it's been a whole lot of happy lately with just a few spots of annoyance. to be honest, not much gets to me right now because i'm having such a good time. gross, right? my roommate makes fun of me all the time, "true love! BARF!" but whatev. right now things are in a good place, and i'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. dear internets, i'm in love and happy and have an awesome new job. high five!

liquid goodness

liquid goodness, originally uploaded by pinprick.

the salad bar at the hospital is cheap! i got a big salad for under $4 and am feeling pretty fine. although, they only viniagrette they had was fat-free italian, which is a bit too sweet for my taste. i might need to bring my own dressing!

my niece turns three in two weeks. my sister invited me and my boyfriend to her party, but not his kids. i had a whole big long blog post concerning it; about how when i asked about them she told me flat out, "no," and that there were already "too many people" coming. it was kind of a long and whiny post, and since writing it i have decided that even though my sister is being a dick, i don't have to be. the day should be all about baby, anyhow. if my sister brings it up with me, i'll be sure to let her know what i think, but a lot could happen in two weeks and i guess i'll wait and see how things pan out. there are rumours now that there isn't even going to be a party, so it might be a moot point. it just got under my skin, the way she dismissed my boyfriend's kids. he's kind of a package deal, not just for me but for all of us. he's always going to be boyfriend+2, and the sooner my sister realizes it, the better. what really annoys me is that she's a single parent, just like my boyfriend, and if someone had pulled that shit with her she would have gone nuts.

the second week in, and i can honestly say i like my new job. it's a lot of fun, watching the images appear on screen, making people comfortable, listening to their stories. there've been a few tough moments; like an older gentleman who got real claustrophobic and panicked once inside the tub, and one lady seriously whacked out on pain pills, but mostly it's a good time. i went to the grocery store this week for two shifts which were actually fun because it was a change of pace and also a bit of a relief to be doing something i know (innately now) how to do. i can navigate through the kitchen with ease, i know where things are and what needs to be done, and i don't have that yet at my new job. i'm learning, but it's going to take time. eventually this is all i'll do, and i'm sort of looking forward to that as well.

tidying up loose ends

my goodness. how laundry accumulates when you don't wash it. all the empty coffee cups in my room aren't going to wash themselves, either. my eyebrows need a good tweeze, my hair another dye (last time i did it, i ran out of black! i'm spotty now), my nails need to be done and i really need to run some errands and upload some photos. jeez. that's a lot to do. i totally wasted my one day off this week, and by "totally wasted" i mean "had a great time." the boyfriend and his kids and i went up to bellingham for a day. we did some shopping, made an awesome picnic lunch that we ended up eating in the car (it was crazy rainy and the car was nice and dry), dined on tiny hamburgers for dinner and spent most of the evening working on a puzzle and knitting (i got the eldest back into knitting and taught the youngest how to crochet!). it was a seriously good day, and while now i have a ton of stuff to catch up on before work tomorrow, it was worth it. my plan tonight is to go to bed early so i can sort of stay on the right schedule; i don't work tomorrow until 3 and it would be easy to sleep the day away, but then the next day going to work at 8 would be very lame. let's see if i can do it!

this is my cat

kitchen lulu, originally uploaded by pinprick.

who i hardly ever see anymore, and who probably hates me. well, she does for a while, then we settle in for a cuddle and she's fine and dandy.

nearing the end of my first week at the new job. it's very fun, very relaxing, and did i mention the pay is good? holy cow. i also enjoy having a similar schedule to my boyfriend's because that means we can actually hang out. he's thinking about taking sunday's off this quarter, and if he does that i am going to do the same. a whole day together sounds too good to pass up. just think of the things we could do! trips to the city, afternoons at the movies, drives in the country, breakfast, lunch AND dinner. we could go hiking or to the beach or the farmer's market. the thought of a whole day stretched out before us with nothing to do is tempting. i think it might have to happen.

it's strange to me to find it so easy to say "my boyfriend" with this man. it rolls right of the tongue and finds its way into a million different sentences. it's actually pretty fun to say. i think it's the boy that makes me feel that way, but it's just a hunch.

dinner last night was a success! cooking for a real cook can be nerve-wracking, but everyone enjoyed the quiche (it ended up being a simple zucchini, mushroom and swiss one) as well as the ice cream cone cupcakes. it was a fun night, and even though this morning i was a nervous wreck about my first day, i was glad to spend the morning with my favorite trio. i even saw them tonight; we celebrated all of us having a good day by going out for pizza. i had to go home, though, because my whites needed some serious bleaching and i need to get a few more outfits ready for this new gig.

the new job is pretty fucking awesome. for a few reasons, one of which being that today my boss told me there was downtime and i was free to bring a book or hobby with me for those time. i asked, "can i knit?" and he said "sure." i'm going to get paid for knitting. that's right! whoo! the other parts of my job are pretty enjoyable; mainly i help make sure patients are at ease, get them situated on the MRI table, and help clean up and stock stuff. i also do a bit of data entry, running of errands, and today i read a big chunk of anansi boys. after the initial shock wore off, to be honest, there were boring stretches. tomorrow i don't have to get up as early, and know what to expect, so i assume it will go even better. i bought myself a new shirt at the evil empire tonight; so ugly it goes back to being cute, so that i would have something fun to wear tomorrow. plus, i promised my man that he would get to see it. i spent the afternoon describing it in its awful glory (it's like little house on the praire met a lumberjack and they had a weird, frilly plaid baby), and now he's curious. yet another thing i like about him!

so far, this year is going well. better than last year, and the year before that. i'm not so superstitious about the new year, being that it's such an arbitrary system (any day can be the start of a new year!) but i like how it's all lining up together in an orderly fashion. it pleases me tremendously. i have a man i adore, a job that looks promising, and a truly hideous shirt to wear tomorrow. a girl can't ask for much more.

hearts and stars

tonight i get to make dinner for the boyfriend and family! it's a first; he's the professional, he's the one that does all the fancy culinary good stuff, but today is everyone's first day back at school and i offered to do dinner. we are going to have ham and brie quiche, some sort of roasted green veggie and a giant salad. i'm also going to make ice cream cone cupcakes, and decorate them with icing piggies. this family loves pork as much as i do, which is i think why we all get along so well.

tomorrow is also my first day of work (!) and i need to find some clothes that don't suck. i've been living in white shirts and ties and aprons for over a year now, the rest of my wardrobe is pretty hobo-riffic.

i'm off to get started! so much to do today, so little time.

want to see something funny?

i wrote a blog post a while ago, but never posted it because i got distracted. i was going through things here, cleaning stuff up, deleting drafts, when i stopped and read this one. it was titled "i think i wanna be a step-milf."

i had a very interesting talk with a friend today, where i disclosed that i would, indeed, be quite pleased to be a step-mother. or probably the live-in girlfriend of the dad, because i'm not always too sure i want to get married. to me, that's pretty close to being a step-mom, and that is appealing. i do honestly enjoy children. the kids i know are all impossibly smart and sweet and good-looking (except for the one who steals my shit! she's not on the top of my list!) and i enjoy 99% of every minute i'm with them. at the same time, when i think about having kids of my own i'm conflicted. why try to compete with the kids i already know? what if i don't do nearly as good a job as my friends and family? i'm not always sure i have the patience for parenting. i also feel like i should have done it sooner: i've given myself entirely too much time to think about all the things that could go wrong, and have freaked myself out.

the boy before last had a kid (still does!) and i liked that. watching him interact with his child was awesome. for the first time i dated someone who enjoyed being a parent, and put their kid first. it was strangely hot, and such a nice change of pace. the only other men i've dated with kids were maybe not the best dads, and that was always such a turn-off. although, to be fair, i have not dated very many men with children. at my age, though, it's getting more and more common.

which leads me to my next thought; i have this incredibly cute customer at work who's been coming in for years, and he has very sweet kids. a boy and a girl, and i just realized in all the time he's been shopping at my store i've never seen him without his kids, or with a woman. for that matter, i can't recall ever seeing the kids with their mom, which makes me wonder if he isn't divorced. he's got nice crinkly blue eyes, good hair, and a great smile. i pointed him out to a co-worker the other day, and she agreed that he is indeed handsome. for the first time i thought, "hey wait! he might be date-able!"

hee hee hee... oh boy. if only i'd known. daydreaming about my boyfriend was fun before i knew him, but to be perfectly honest, he's a lot more fun now that i've had him in real life. i took my friends out to see him last night and even my sister came out to meet him! everyone agrees that he is just as handsome as i said he was, and we all had a very good time. it's funny how things worked out, funny and delightful and surprising.