it's my folk's anniversary today. if my father were alive, they'd have been married 33 years today!

the past week has been hard in terms of missing him. i keep having dreams about him. one was the two of us having lunch together; we had chinese food and talked about MP3 players. at one point i asked him how he was doing, and he told me he missed my mom, he didn't know what to do without her. i told her she said the same thing. i woke up glad i had seen him, missing our stupid little talks, and feeling ridiculously sad. it was just a dream, after all, but to see him like that; healthier than he had been in years, with his long hair and dark face, relaxed and easy, sad about my mom, it was a bit much. i don't think i can ever say it enough or in such a way that anyone will understand, but i miss him. i miss the sound of his voice, the smell of his cologne, the way his boots clicked on pavement and linoleum. i miss knowing he was home with mom, that i always had two parents to go home to. i feel so inadequate at being a grown-up; losing him means having to step up, having to act my age and get my shit together, and while i'm not completely failing at that, i miss the security of him. of knowing he was there to help out, a safety net if i should need one.

mom is still adjusting to her new life, trying to remember to make smaller dinners, keeping busy, working. for all of us, life without him is something we're still getting used to. we're still a bit wary to talk too much about him, but we're getting a lot better. i think we're closer now than we were, and i know for a fact we're a bit more honest. it's not an easy adjustment, by any means, but we're not the first family to go through it. in the end, i'm glad i have my mom and sister, no matter how hard this all is. i always thought i was "serious" about family, but now i think i actually know what that means. seeing her alone is just another barb, another pain. i'll call her tonight just to tell her i love her, but i suppose today won't ever be the same for her.