Saturday, March 26, 2011

a small treatise on the subject of motherhood

i think part of makes me want to talk about mothering and motherhood and being a step-parent is that for me it's so new.  three years ago, this was not what i thought i'd be doing.  at the most, by now i thought i'd be knocked up or with an infant; not with a 12 year old and a 16 year old.  i don't think i was specifically against that, it just wasn't something i thought of as a possibility.   i've been doing some parenting now for about two years, and while i understand that being a step-parent is different from being a bio-parent, i find myself at times balking against the distinctions.  this week i worked with a tech who i hate, and i remembered why when he kept asking about the kids, and only referred to them as "D's kids."  he kept pointing out that we haven't been together that long (personally, i think two years of 24 hours a day, 7 days a week isn't anything to sneeze at), and when i said something about "my" kids, he actually corrected me.  which i guess is his right, but honestly?  if these aren't my kids, then shit.  i've been investing way too much time, energy and love.

what makes all of this extra poignant to me is that my pop didn't get to meet them, or see me parent.  they only know him through stories, and while those are pretty good, they aren't as awesome as he was as a grandparent.  it's the anniversary of his death today (i always want to call it a "deathiversary" but you know, even i understand that's in poor taste), and while every day without him is hard, today always makes me think of him a bit more.  instead of getting all maudlin, i had a drink in his honor (or four), watched a zombie movie with the kids, and made a nice dinner.  i think he would have liked my little family, and i think he would approve of me spending time with them and thinking of him today.

and this part is embarrassing, but he showed up in a dream of mine this week where we just hung out and talked.  we were in class together, and making fun of the teacher, and just chit chatting about every day stuff.   honestly?  while i don't believe in an afterlife, those dreams always make me feel great.  like maybe he's visiting in his own way, from wherever you go after you become worm food.  it might just be my brain's way of dealing with shit, but i don't care.  i'm glad to see him. 


Anne said...

He's an ass for correcting you.
also, I'm glad you got to hang with your dad and that it makes you happy!

wixlet said...

I'm with Anne. Your coworker can suck a dick with his 'corrections'.

I know that not all stepparent-child relationships are rosy (mr wixlet had 2 stepfathers, one of whom was an absolute peach and the other that was just a straight up jackass) but there are definitely some cases where the stepparent aces the test where the bio parent couldn't figure out how to fill in the scantron. I for one am glad to have you as a fellow mama. Parenting can be tough and it's good to be in the middle of it with people that inspire you with what they bring to the challenge, and you definitely inspire me.

I'm glad to hear about your dream. I have those every once in a while and I don't usually wake up feeling better afterward. Saturday was my mom's 15th deathaversary (poor taste be damned) and I guess I didn't realize until now that their 'days' were so close. It sounds like you made a good day of it. Now that both of my parents are gone I'm celebrating their wedding anniversary with a special dinner. My dad had a favorite dish that my mom would make - chicken paprika - and he was too sick for me to make it for him by the time I found her recipe. I have a lot of regrets, and it may be silly but that's a big one.

On the parenting-grandparenting thing, I can't even comment (which might be good at this point in the ramble - I'm already in tears so I have to quit while I can rein 'em in.) because the physical absence of both my parents in my son's life is one of the very worst, constant sources of grief for me.