revenge!

oh, revenge is sweet and delicious. especially when it's all sorts of covert! i am going to tell you about it, though, don't worry.

this morning i discovered not one, but two of my favorite eye shadows in my roommate's daughter's room. this coming on the heels of yet another theft (of my crackers) and a mild blow-up on my part. confronting her does nothing. confronting her mother also does nothing. i even told her that last night; that i knew she wouldn't get in trouble for it, that i knew she didn't care if she got caught, and that my being irritated was useless. i had to vent anyway! this morning, i simply collected my things, then went through her make up. i had given her a really nice nars face palette, mainly because the colors were mostly brown, and partly in an effort to keep her the hell out of my shit. this morning i took it back, took it to work with me, and threw it away. now it's gone forever. tomorrow i'm going to take back the set of purple eye shadow cremes i gave her, and the day after that i might feel better, but i might take something else back as well. let's see how she likes it when her shit goes missing! if she asks where it went, i'll just give her the same dumb look she gives me and ask "what?" i might play it off like i have no idea where it went, or i might just tell her i threw it away. i haven't quite decided.

tonight after work i bought a big ass tool box and a padlock. guess where all my make-up and favorite jewelry went? bingo! i'm also getting a new door knob for my room, with a lock as well. i should have done this months ago, it feels amazing. petty, sure, but awesome.

just for me

waking up this morning i see SUN. this makes me feel happy. also having the whole day off, more happy. i have a head full of plans, so i'm going to make a list and see what i can get done today. kind of a boring post for you, but oh well. i promise to update you, at the very least.

things i want to do today

• i have two very detailed cross stitch ideas in my head; i need to make the patterns for them a reality.
• work on bibs for my friend jen, who gave me the bibs to work on many, many months ago.
• wash clothes.
• wash hair.
• go by work and drop off a present for a friend.
• watch movies.
• read watchmen.
• clean my bathroom.
• learn how to french braid my own damn hair.

hopefully i can get some of this done and don't spend all day on-line watching videos on youtube and then being crabby that i wasted the day.

check out my super bee

the photo is crappy, but i bought this little car at work the other day because it was so pretty. there are gold flecks in the white paint, good, clean lines, and i am a sucker for muscle cars. i know nothing about them save for they are foxy, loud, and generally have the perfect seats for making out. the more i looked at it, the more i wanted to wear it. tonight i picked up some chain and sparkley beads, and here we are. my 1969 dodge coronet super bee necklace!

for your amusement

i can't get this song out of my head. oddly enough, it has a music video.

wine in the bedroom

sounds much more fun than it is. i'm just feeling lazy and don't want to have to go out to the kitchen if i decide to get another glass, so i brought the bottle into my room. classy!

lately i've been working only closing shifts; going in at either 1 or 2, staying until 9 or 10. this is my absolute favorite shift. i like getting up kind of late, taking a long time to get ready (or not!), spending my morning reading blogs and books and having a nice breakfast. i have time to run errands if i want to, or do laundry, play with lulu. it's the perfect shift for me! i like nights best, and when i get home i have all this time to play, you know? however: i am in the only one in the house with this schedule. meaning i have to be somewhat quiet when i get home.

it's not that awful, but it's not so great. it make me miss living alone. or at least living in a place with more space, where my room wasn't sandwiched between the other two. if only we had a basement! ah, i would love that. i miss my underground living.

the weather's gotten chilly. last night i realized i don't have enough blankets on my bed to comfortable and warm in this weather. usually i have a million, but some are in storage, and the ones i bought with the fisherman i got rid of.* i'm borrowing one of the kid's for now, hoping to get my stuff out of storage sooner rather than later. i at least want to go through it all, get rid of some of it, consolidate the rest. this impermanent feeling is getting old.

*i might not believe in god, but i am weirdly superstitious. i wanted a clean break, so i got rid of any and everything that reminded me of him. except for one particularly comfy sweatshirt, which i thought was okay to keep. one memento is enough!

oh hell yes

my sister and niece came into town today, to do a bit of shopping at good old costco, and i was lucky enough to get to hang out with them. after we bought a metric ton of cured meats, cheeses, and veggies we came back to my house to make some dinner. we were going to pick up a rotisserie chicken there and then just make sides, but you know what? we just really dig sides. mom would let us do that some nights; instead of a proper dinner we would have what she called nibbles. sometimes it was leftovers paired with salami and cheese and olives, sometimes we left out the leftovers and just ate hors d'oeuvers. tonight we roasted some brussel sprouts, made goat cheese stuffed mushrooms (laced with a bit of fresh basil and cayenne pepper), tiny gourmet sausages, and our favorite, salami and cheese. i talked her into splitting a wheel of fleur des alpes with me, and she was quite impressed. it never even made it onto any crackers, we just sliced off ooze-y pieces and ate it right off our fingers. we also had a ton of good olives and some giardiniera. we ate until we were sleepy and watched part of a movie with maggie. it was awesome. except for the part where maggie decided she liked chasing and harassing lulu more than playing nice. oh, those terrible threes are right around the corner! better get in the good stuff while i can.

while looking for good photos of salami tonight, i stumbled upon this blog. it's amazing! i suddenly feel like making my own cured meats, in large quantities. i'm sure my pop would be down, he's he one that introduced us as kids to weird cured meats (well, strange to our friends. we always loved it!), and he's the reason we get all fussy when we buy a combo pack of salami and get cheated out of spicy capicola. let's go make our own salami! now!

dye!

i'm not really sure how folks go about not washing their hair. this is my first foray into leaving my hair the fuck alone, and i feel sort of greasy. i bought some dry shampoo, and that helps some. my hairdresser friends say that you get used to it, and your hair does too, and that if i wait out this awful shiny period i'll be glad i did. they're the experts, so i'm deferring to them.

anyone else giving up shampoo out there? hints? tips?

1010!

that's the number of this post. 1,010. like a palindrome, gone very, very wrong. a backwards palindrome?

i've been thinking today a lot about closure* and forgiveness and all that shit. yesterday at work a co-worker totally broke down on me in the bathroom, full on sloppy tears and snotty nose. she told me a horrible story from her youth and then concluded it by telling me that her family thinks she should "be over it by now" and wants her to forgive a cousin who pretty seriously abused her as a child. i held her in the bathroom, all hot and sticky and shuddering, and told her to fuck that noise--sometimes what people do is unforgivable and if she's not ready, then she doesn't have to. personally, i'm all for grudges. i know that you're supposed to let shit go and forgive and it's supposed to be better for your skin and karma, but i don't care. a grudge can be a warm blanket on a cold day, and plotting revenge is a sweet treat that i love to indulge in. this might make me a shallow, horrible person but i'm okay with that. at the very least i'm honest. i told my co-worker to just tell me where her cousin lives, i'll show up with rotten eggs and a case of toilet paper and make his morning terrible. i could plot other, worse thing, but i'm sure she's got that covered. i told her to not feel bad about feeling shitty; she already feels lousy, why feel guilty for feeling that way? what happened to her was awful, if she feels bad about it, that's more than okay.

*a boy i used to date ran into some friends of mine at a bar the other night and said he felt bad we had no "closure." i think when he stopped calling me he closed things up just fine. i don't need to have some big talk about why we were mismatched or why he bailed. we were, he did, end of story. even if we had some talk that spelled it all out, i'd still feel shitty about it. no amount of talking or good intentions clears that feeling up. all i can really do is feel it, get over it, move on. closure is for pussies, and is one thing i hate about psychobabble and television talk shows. there is no such thing as closure, as far as i'm concerned. talking about it makes me uptight.

there's a good chance that i am a horrible person, but honestly, if you fuck with me or my people, odds are that i'm not going to forgive or forget. i might not exact the sort of sordid revenge i daydream about, but i won't give up my right to feel shitty and lousy and angry. only people who feel guilty and/or know they suck, think about things like closure and forgiveness. i believe more people than like to admit it feel the way i do, and would rather cradle a grudge, feed it and love it and nuzzle it before bed, than smile and forgive and shrug and move on. the thing is, i think you can hold a grudge and move forward. eventually the heat of a grudge fades and another one takes it place or you just find yourself doing something else. i can hold my purse and walk around town just fine, i can take that grudge with me wherever i go. true story.

yes!

this is the red hair i wanted! thank you, manic panic pillarbox red. i know using manic panic means a lot less showers, and more baths, but i don't care. this red is totally worth it. i feel awesome.

in other news, i think we might have an unwed teen mother in our home. that's right, i think little LuLu went and got herself knocked-up. she's super rotund in the middle, super cuddly and if i'm right, she might have actually been preggers when we took her in. we'll have to wait and see. although i thought of an awesome idea today; kitty litter that changes color when your cat gets knocked up. like it turns pink and clumpy, letting you know that you either need to see a vet immediately, or buy a box and some towels and ready yourself for childbirth and lamaze classes.

a nice tuesday update

the newest addition at work quit yesterday. we all saw it coming, and to be honest, we thought it would come sooner. she was a very nice lady, but impossibly slow and slightly daft. my job in the deli isn't that hard or brain-consuming, but you have to be quick and you have to be able to do about a million things at once. not everyone enjoys that or is able to do it. i was complaining about her one night to J and i made the comment that she was "good for nothing" and he said, "no, she's quite capable of taking 20 minutes to help one customer while a line forms." true story. i'm relieved she's gone, but that means i get her wednesday shift. today would have been my friday, but not anymore. the good part is that working that shift will bring up to 40 hours, plus a few overtime hours; the bad news is that now i only get one day off this week. i could really use the money, but damn it sucks to get it this way. why can't i get it through a windfall? the lottery? a kind benefactor?

i just re-bought a copy of andrew bird's bowl of fire, oh! the grandeur, which i love so much. i don't think my roommate is as fond of it, but lucky for me our schedules this week are at odds. i can listen to it loud all morning while she's at work!

my sister and i are hoping to take maggie to see madagascar II, because damn if the kid doesn't just totally adore the first one. taking her to the movies is pretty fun, she's remarkably well behaved at the theater. i hope it works out! spending a few day at home with my family last week kind of spoiled me. i want a lot more time with the baby. who, i have discovered, can be persuaded to give out kisses if you ask for "some sugar." ask for a kiss and the kid's like, "no way," tell her you need some sugar, right over here on this cheek, and she comes running.

boring post! i'll be working a lot this week, hopefully not spending a lot, and maybe next week i can get two new tires for my car and stop worrying about dying in a rainstorm.

more awesome obama news

if you go over to natalie dee right now, if you enter the word "obama" at the checkout you can get $2 off your order! whoo! i used that $2 off to buy myself this shirt, which i have coveted forever and now get to own. happy times, friends.

gross!

yesterday i cleaned out the cat box and bagged up the little litter-coated treats, then put them in my car to take to work with me. i figure if i dump them in the trash there, yay! my trash doesn't stink. plus, i get the smug satisfaction of dropping off my cat's shit at my shitty work.

ahem. except i forgot to take the bag with me when i got there. i got into my car last night and was horrified by the smell, totally confused for a second, until i realized what it was and ran it to the nearest trash can. i opened up all the windows and the guy i was giving a ride home to laughed seriously hard at me. i thought he was going to spew mountain dew out of his nose.

it was funny, but totally disgusting.

genesis

might be news to you, but i seriously love genesis p-orridge. i especially love the pandrongyne project that s/he took on with lady jaye. my sister and i have matching tattoos because of gen. i read everything s/he does, i watch the videos, i love how s/he confronts and shakes the ideas of gender and the limits of the human body. i don't believe any other artist has compelled me so much. if you can, go watch this video. it's sad and sweet and awesome.

i like this one

meme time! taken from the always lovely, and well-shod, chez shoes.

Where is your mobile phone? purse?
Where is your significant other? imaginary
Your hair colour? clown red/black
Your mother? awesome
Your father? brown
Your favourite thing? benzos!
Your dream last night? sexy
Your dream goal? money
The room you’re in? bedroom
Your hobby? needles
Your fear? poverty
Where do you want to be in 6 years? portland
Where were you last night? in bed
What you’re not? carefree
One of your wish-list items? yurt
Where you grew up? coupeville
The last thing you did? bleach
What are you wearing? black
Your TV? unconnected
Your pets? lulu!
Your computer? tiny
Your mood? hot
Missing someone? obviously
Your car? plum
Something you’re not wearing? bandaids
Favourite shop? grocery outlet
Your summer? boring
Love someone? sigh
Your favourite colour? red
When is the last time you laughed? wednesday
When is the last time you cried? tuesday

why did i even look?

***note; i wrote this last night, hid it this morning, and am reposting it now. i'm doing that for a few reasons, one being that even though this may not be my finest moment, it is the truth. and i was right, this morning i did feel better. annoyed and still a little hurt, but much better.***

i was on the myspace and i checked out miss piggy's profile because it looked like she put up some new photos and suddenly she's "in a relationship." with dickwad from work. which shouldn't bother me, because um, duh, they've been dating now for a while, but seeing it there made my tummy hurt.

i think i liked him so much because i didn't know him very well and it's easy to idealize a man you just flirt with. had we actually dated i'm sure it would have been disastrous, because obviously he's looking for someone totally different than me. besides, i just got done dating a man who wasn't too terribly into me, why would i want to do that again?

sometimes i hate being a girl and feeling like my emotions are out of control. of course, normally all i have to do is acknowledge i feel a certain way and then i feel better, but still. it sucks to feel all down on myself and insecure, it sucks to have been pushed aside for someone else, and it sucks when any boy just stops fucking calling.

i was in a pretty good mood too; spent the weekend with my folks, spent a lot of time with my niece, had two really awesome meals and watched some fun tv. i was feeling good about being home and not too disappointed about working tomorrow. now i feel sick to my stomach and retarded all at the same time. let's hope i feel better in the morning.

feeling very, very good

watching obama's speech last night gave me chills. seeing his lovely family, seeing the mix of people in the crowd, seeing how happy everyone looked was so refreshing. for the first time in a while i felt like hope wasn't such a bad thing, that maybe that's exactly what we need right now.

i don't think it's all going to be puppies and rainbows and sunshine from here on out, but i do believe things are going to get better.

my date last night came down with a cold, which i knew about before i went over there. i told him it would be okay to reschedule; that if he was feeling lousy we could hang out some other time. he made a nice dinner, i brought over some movies, we played with the kittens, then he took some theraflu and passed the fuck out. eh. part of me feels bad for the poor guy, since i'm pretty sure getting sick wasn't high on his list of things to do yesterday, but part of me is annoyed that he had me over to start with.

plus, he's not very tall and i keep swearing up and down my next boyfriend is going to be TALL. maybe this is a sign. who knows.

i'm going home today to see my family, which i haven't done in weeks and weeks, making me a shitty daughter/sister/aunt, but today i'm totally going to try to redeem myself.

hail to the anti-christ!

my date was a failure, but my man won the presidency, and i think in later years that's what i'll remember.

also, getting to rub it into that sanctimonious bitches face that the "anti-christ" won will be so impossibly delicious.

we're talking about it, dammit

the election! today at work a girl wanted to talk to me about how disappointed she was to see i had an obama sticker on my cheese binder. i shrugged and told her i was sorry, but he's the man for me. she got all flustered and told me that she could never, ever vote for obama because she truly believes he's the anti-christ. she got another shrug from me and i told her that was okay, because i don't believe in god. she gave me that look and said, "i'm sorry to hear that, because he believes in you."

ah, nothing like mixing both politics and religion in one small, condescending, annoying conversation. truth be told, i kind of feel like ratting her out to the union for bringing it up.

i woke up this morning totally thrilled with myself for not having a panic attack yesterday but already feeling anxious because i realized it's the day before the election. all month i've been busy with other shit, but then i realized "oh my god! this is it!" i've spent all day wondering what tomorrow will be like. i want to rush home from work and turn on the radio and stay glued to my computer to watch the results trickle in. i want to buy a six pack of beer and some cheese and crackers and pace around the house calling my pop every five minutes to confer with him. however, i am going on a date so i won't. or maybe i'll con him into turning on his fancy cable tv and letting me watch voraciously.

yeah, that's right. a date. i'm going to bring it up now because i can. because maybe this time i'll do everything the opposite of what i normally do and see how that goes. it's a guy i met on halloween. he's nice and smart and rescued two kittens kicked out of their litter and truth be told, i like that he's a cat guy. even if it was reluctant at first, because i saw him with his four week old kittens and DAMN. little kittens are very cute. he's got a nice big couch, and seemingly few issues. it's going to be a casual date, and while i won't kiss and tell, i promise to give you enough details to keep you interested.

no matter who you want to win, i hope you vote. sure, i'm rooting for my guy, but no matter what i'll be damn glad to see less of george w. on my tv.

daylight savings!

i love falling back. yes, i know this means darker sooner, but today, when i get that extra hour to lie in my bed, i'm pretty pleased with myself and the way the world works. i'm sure that feeling will pass once i get to work, but i'm enjoying it for now.

things the cat has learned to do:

• open cupboards. the task itself isn't that hard, you really don't need opposable thumbs for it, but the other night she not only got into the cabinet under the sink, but she chewed a great big hole in her food bag and had a party. bad kitty. i have to hide the food way high up now, and next payday i need to get a big tupperware thing to hold her food.
• flush the toilet. weird, right? for some reason whenever i have to pee, she comes in with me, sits on the tub next to me while i do my thing (which is very strange, but i'm not sure she gets why, so i let her sit there as long as she doesn't bug me), and then when i get up and shut the lid, she starts pushing the handle like she's going to flush. she has yet to push it down all the way, but she is close and once she figures out how hard she needs to push i might be in trouble. i imagine this will be one of those things that at 4 in the morning she'll be flushing away and waking my dumb ass up.
  

hmmm....what else is new. i'm pretty nervous most of the time lately. that's not exactly "news" but the fact that i'm willing to admit it is new. i'm fairly sure it's just a combination of weather changing, constant calls from bill collectors, and an overwhelming feeling of not being in control, but i'm trying hard to not just increase my meds and float through. it's hard to do, though. on my days off i'm fine, it's my working days that are suffering. what it boils down to is i can't afford to be that nervous-wreck at work, i can't afford to take a day off and lie in bed making lists and worrying a hole in the ground. i can't afford to not go in when they call me on my days off. in fact, i really should get another job or at least a second job. i feel this tension between my shoulder blades all the time, and i have days when i feel like crawling out of my skin. it's not so much fun. i don't think i'm very pleasant to hang out with or talk to, and i'm sure as hell boring myself with all the thinking and worry and sour stomach. logically i know that things are okay; maybe not great or fantastic, but that i'm not that much worse off than anybody else and that i have a place to live and a job and a car and things are going to work themselves out. it's just hard to convince my mis-firing brain that this is true. dear seratonin, why you got to be such a bitch?