the last post i made was just me bitching about not feeling good. i had a cold and was being a whiny baby. i called home to complain, talked to my dad, then was going to write a post about how his CT/PET scan was fairly normal but got tired and went to bed. the next day i just spaced it; was busy with D and the kids goofing off and figured i would tell you guys he was a-okay the next day.

my father died late wednesday night. it had nothing to do with his scan, he just stopped breathing and never started up again. i know he's been sick for a while, but he wasn't that sick and this has taken us all by surprise. i've wrestled with whether or not to make this news a blog post, and realized that you guys have been with me throughout his various illnesses, you've been nothing but kind and supportive and i just want you all to know how much your kindness has meant to me.

this isn't anything how i thought it would be. i honestly thought i'd have a chance to say some sort of goodbye, i thought we'd get some sort of warning, i thought we were in the clear for at least a while. i'm angry and feel cheated, because it's not fair. i'm not ready to be a grown-up, i don't want to be fatherless. i am heartbroken and what no one tells you is that grief is a physical pain; all punches in the chest and headaches from crying and sore throats. it hurts so much worse than i could have imagined. i'm home with my mother and sister, and every so often one of us says, "what do we do now?" i have no idea. i miss him already so much i can't believe it will ever get better. i'm alternately sobbing and then angry and then just happy to be home with my people and talking about him. he wasn't always the easiest man to get along with, and i know he wishes my life had taken a different turn, but i loved him and never doubted that he loved me.

you don't have to say anything, honest. it's a weird and strange thing, writing a blog post about your father's death. there are a lot of you out there that i've shared a lot of my life with (and shared parts of your life with!), and i don't want to discount our connection to each other by just disappearing. i'll be a lot less present on the internets for a while, but if it makes you feel any better i'll be a lot less present in real life too. as it is, i just want to hide in the back room and knit furiously and watch old tv shows and cry when i want to. it just all feels so surreal, you know? when i'm not crying i'm worrying about my mom, and my sister and the baby and i feel guilty for feeling bad for myself but then there are parts of me that are all "dude, that's normal, give yourself a break" but none of this makes any sense to me. i miss him. i don't want him to be gone. i hope he knew how much i loved him. i wish i weren't so embarassed about crying in public because it makes me look like a robot, and i wish i didn't care what anyone else thinks about my grief. mourning does not become me. i just wish he would come home. did i mention that i miss him? because i do. so please, just go hug your dad for me. have a miller beer or bourbon for him, or just go tell someone you love how much you do. and send tissues. i love you.

out sick

noodle soup with egg, originally uploaded by pinprick.

pretty much everyone i know right now is sick, and i am no exception. it started this sunday when i felt sort of out of it, low energy, start of a sore throat, then it progressed to full-on mucous production. whoo! yesterday was my every-other-monday workday, and i had to call out sick. today i woke up feeling even worse than yesterday, if that's at all possible, and spent the morning whining to D about how lousy i felt, so i called out sick again. bleh. i hate missing work, especially work that is so relaxed and easy, BUT i have to be careful to not get anyone else sick, and i like my co-worker M and he has a whole passel of small children at home. giving him a cold is a fairly jerky thing to do. plus, if i had gone in today i would have had to wear a surgical mask and that just looks plain silly on me.

sometime this afternoon the clouds broke and i had a cup of coffee and suddenly realized that i might not die. bought some cough drops for tomorrow, ate some more soup, and while i'm not ready to party, i might also stay up past six tonight. i'm just glad we all got sick at about the same time (D's got something too, and yesterday found us both vying for couch space and passing out in front of the tv), and once we shake it we'll be able to enjoy everyone's spring break with no snotty noses or hacking coughs.

my mother used to make me this soup when i was sick as a kid; it's just a package of lipton's noodle soup (without the chicken chunks), with an egg poached in it. last night i woke up long enough to make a pot and feed it to everyone before going back to bed, and i swear it's restorative powers are not to be trifled with. it's the great i'm-too-sick-to-make-soup soup, and something about the rich eggy yolk in the soup is amazing. i suggest you try it if you are felled by illness any time soon!

here we go again

pop just had a CT scan this week, because they found some nodules in his lungs during a routine PET scan. now that i work in the "diagnostic imaging" field, i can tell you that it's pretty common to have a PET and CT at the same time, since they are complimentary, but i can see why they did one and waited for the results before doing the other. the kind of nodules he has might very well be nothing; the standard practice is to watch them and see if they get bigger, then maybe biopsy them if they do. to be frank, it's not like this is the first time they've found something wonky or not-quite-right in my dad's lungs. they aren't exactly pure as the driven snow, and with his history of COPD this sort of thing is par for course. my mother usually keeps my sister and i in the dark about this sort of thing until after the fact but this time she was remarkably forthcoming. she actually told us about it beforehand, but of course then did the whole "okay, now you can freak out about it" thing, which i didn't go for. i told her i was glad she had told me, and that i don't ask for that kind of information so i can worry and fret or freak out; i just want to know. i want to be able to call and check in on him, i want to be able to let him know i'm thinking about him, i want to be able to ask him questions. pop will tell you anything you want to know, but in our family he's not the phone caller. the phone is not his favorite form of communication, and as much as mom hates it, he thinks she'll tell us, and 99% of the time he's right.

i called him up today to see how he was feeling and he's got a bit of a cold, is feeling all congested and snotty, and hacking up his lungs on a regular basis. he seems to be in a pretty good mood about the whole thing though, aside from making it very clear that he's not too into doing radiation or chemo again if these nodules turn out to be tumors of the cancerous variety. i can't say i blame him; he was miserable last time, and would likely be miserable this time too. i can't say i'm not hoping he does whatever he can to live forever because duh, he's my POP, but if he wants to bow out gracefully and forgo treatment this time 'round, i'll support him. just because i think he's still handsome with no hair doesn't mean he's a big fan of it.

these days i'm not exactly worried so much as i'm preoccupied. i know enough about cancer this time to know that worrying about his test results won't actually change them and that the only thing i can do is call him, let him know i love him, and wait and see how things unfold. i hope his chest cold clears up, i hope they don't biopsy him because he hates needles, and i hope the doctor tells him that nothing is going on. family illness is a strange thing, but we aren't the first family to go through it and it's certainly not our first rodeo, as the kids say.

beat it!

this is rocky, D's brother's african grey parrot. the week before we started sitting her, D started getting us all ready to have her around. to be honest, the kids and i were not amused or impressed, and i made more than one "it's all fun and games until she gouges my eyes out" jokes. the first night she was here was kind of tense; we were all a little wary of her, and D's brother gave us a lengthy list of things she did and didn't like, and instances when she was likely to bite. the next night, though, we were making dinner and she was around the corner and somehow we ended up whistling at her and she was whistling back...and the next thing you knew, we realized she's actually a pretty awesome bird. sure, she doesn't like to be held, but besides that, she's totally into us and fun to interact with. watching her pick up new words and phrases, getting her to dance with us, feeding her slivers of banana and hearing her chirp "oh boy!" has been amazing. she's incredibly curious and smart, and now that she feels more and more comfortable with us she's become a real joy to have around. the kids and i have looked up all sort of articles about her type of bird, and have learned that they have a reputation for being smart and attentive. we think she's pretty cool, and having her around this week has been super fun. we're sad she leaves in a few days!

i also had a chance to play ridiculous amount of rock band this weekend with the kids. what started as a short trip to my house to pick up some stuff became hours of rocking out with only one break for pizza ordering. i knew rock band was fun, but had no idea it could kill so many hours in an afternoon. not that i'm complaining! i discovered i suck at the drums, am passable on guitar, but really like the singing part best. especially since wave of mutilation is one of the songs. dear pixies, how i love you. the best thing about D's kids is that they're fairly open to new stuff; we listen to all sorts of music and they don't automatically poo-poo the music i love because i'm "old" and not cool. they'll give it a chance, although they haven't yet decided they love the pixies as much as i do. the girlchild loves lady gaga the way i do (whoo! this makes for awesome kitchen dance parties!), and the boychild and i have bonded over led zepplin and he's shown an interest in tom waits. i know i've said it before, but i really dig these kids. if they weren't D's, i would still like them. they're funny and smart and interesting, and when we hang out on saturday afternoons it's not because i'm trying to score points with their pop or because they need to be baby-sat; it's because we do fun shit like play rock band all afternoon or go out and play pinball at the local old-school arcade, or hang around the house drinking coffee and watching movies. we have fun together, and getting to hang without their pop gives them a chance to relax and be themselves and decide if they like me or not. so far, so good.

because we had such a fun and relaxed and sleepy weekend, though, i have a ton of shit that needs to be done today! oil change, shopping, making time for coffee with a friend, all these things need to happen. D's getting ready for finals, which means he's cooking up a storm and finishing some reading for class, so i'm going to try to give him lots of quiet space and time to get it done. i got the kids to help me clean up the house yesterday so he'd have one less thing to think about (i bribed them with beowulf *and drillbit taylor), and in a few days he'll be on spring break and i'll be lamenting the fact that i have to go to work and gets to stay in bed all day.

*i did not want to see this, but the boychild is totally into norse and greek mythology. i have to say, the animation was weird and creepy, there were some awesome fun parts like the sea monster sequence, but it felt exactly as cheesy as clash of the titans to me. the boys loved it.

work has been good lately. i still need to finish getting and documenting all my vaccines, which is the fun part of working in the health care field (that and all the free hand sanitizer!). i did have to work with a guy last week who was replacing my beloved K who was out sick and HOLY HELL i hated that dude. if i ever find out i have to work with him again, i'm calling out sick with cancer. he was the most impossible, arrogant, jerky little man. the next day everyone was all smirks and asking how it was working with him and when i got that angry, wild-eyed look they all laughed knowingly. "why didn't you warn me?" i spent all day whining. in any case, besides mr. jerk-pants, i feel like i'm settling into my job and enjoying it more every day.

friday night! no big plans for this weekend, outside of baking some cupcakes for a friend who's having a birthday. the boy child and i want to see the watchmen, so i might try to cram that in sometime. however, it really isn't going to be something the girl child can (or should) see so i'm torn. i don't want to exclude her, by any means, and i know she also really wants to see corraline, so i'm thinking maybe of promising her tickets to that. or something. at ten, i'm not sure how to appease her! i'll have to talk to D and see what he thinks.

other than that, i got nothing! i've been incredibly boring this week. next week i'll try for better!

horrifyingly inattentive

if this blog were a baby, it would have stuck a fork in the wall socket long ago and i would have only just noticed. my friends are also feeling it; my retreat into boy-world. i have become one of those women i always derided for getting too caught up in their man, and part of me feels bad and part of me is still just really enjoying all our time together. i like my friends, though, i like my cat, i liked my life just fine before the onset of D*, and as much as i want to spend every single spare moment up with him, i know it's important that i stop being such an asshole. so there. i said it out loud!

the new neko case album is amazing. although to be fair, the last track annoys me. i mean, i like crickets as much as the next girl, but i think 15 minutes should have been the length. 28 minutes is just way too long. she doesn't do the great-big-voice thing as often on this album as she did on blacklisted or even fox confessor, but i imagine she gets tired of blowing out speakers with her lungs. plus, a softer song needs a softer voice, and this some songs on this album feel beautifully restrained; controlled in a way. tense? i'm not sure that's the right word. but the motifs of animals and natural disasters are lovely and everyone i've played the album for has enjoyed it. granted, i'm talking about three people specifically who indulge me quite a bit. although i have a patient listening to it right now and she hasn't complained yet!

i've been knitting up a storm. i finished a hat that i LOVE and am trying to figure out how long it would take me to knit five hundred of them in every color imaginable, but instead of doing that i adopted the stitch pattern and am making a pair of socks that resemble it. we're not just making out, honest, i get stuff done over at his house too! in between all the face-sucking and cooking, that is. (i joke! kind of!)

*i'm kind of over just referring to him as "the boyfriend." he does, in fact, have a name. instead of using it, though, i'm shortening a joke we have where i call him a "DILF" and he laughs at me, to just D.

naptime!

more animals

lately i have been addicted to the afternoon nap, which makes me feel all bright and perky for a while, but then i don't get to bed on time, and am sleepy the next morning and need another nap the next afternoon...which i can't tell if is a vicious cycle or just plain awesome. i like naps, even if i don't take them i hate mornings, and if i'm going to have a vice, i'm just glad mine involves blankets and curling up with the cat or my boyfriend.

work is adding a few mondays to the schedule (two a month for the next two months!) and i'm going to get some more hours which will be awesome. there's a possibility of a trip coming up (more information for you as i get it!) and if i go, then yay! i'll have saved some money for it, and if not, yay! money in the bank. i feel like i'm slowly getting caught up on some stuff, although to be honest i'm still pretty screwed as far as debt goes. there's a good chance i'll still have to do some debt consolidating and/or bankruptcy fun, but for the moment i'm just glad that my bills are getting paid, the power is still on, and i'm slowly building up a little safety net.

the new neko case album is out, and since tomorrow is payday i'm going to go pick it up. i also heard a band called nathan on the vinyl cafe this weekend, and ordered one of their cds. i am an absolute sucker for banjos and pretty voices, and nathan seems like a lot of fun. i remember listening to them last weekend while we worked on breakfast and saying, "damn, i like this, write it down!" i hope their cd is good, and that neko's album is as good as the reviews have been. hooray for new music!

gaga gregg

ooh, i got bit by the gaga bug. i can't help it! she makes me want to shake my ass. the other day i was listening along to the album and realized that her love games are a lot like old gregg's. i pointed this out to the kids the other day and they agreed.



also, i feel sort of guilty about this, but i totally got the girl child into lady gaga! this morning we listened to beautiful dirty rich a few times while dancing in the kitchen and drinking coffee. yes, at 10 i probably shouldn't let her do either but in my own defense she drinks tiny of cups of joe that are at least half milk. um, so there.

luminous

luminous, originally uploaded by pinprick.

it was a very pleasant weekend. i have to say, i am most definitely adjusting to having three days off a week. it feels lazy, but oh so good. saturday i spent all day with the boyfriend's kids lounging supremely. we watched massive amounts of arrested development, went out and rented movies and bought loads of gummi candies and wax bottles, and then did some more lounging. i'm pretty sure on saturday i took three naps, and i wasn't the only one. the boyfriend got off work early and came home and did some lounging with us, and then sunday we did some shopping around town. bought the cat one of those water dishes that is basically a little fountain, talked the kids into giving her a flea dip (they are brave little suckers!) and then applied the toxic stuff to the back of her neck. because their cat is a real stray (meaning she didn't take a few week long vacation in the out of doors, like my lulu) she prefers to spend a lot more time outside and brought home fleas. she's been in a spectacularily bad mood lately too; but after the bath i think she was a lot less itchy and has actually been cuddly and pleasant.

of course we did some cooking; like the clarified butter above. the boyfriend also made some amazing pork tacos, which he's made before, but i haven't taken photos of yet. they're just too good! they get eaten before i even think of getting out my camera. the girl child and i got haircuts yesterday after school, and did some grocery shopping. we came home to a napping dad/boyfriend, who was almost giddy about us bringing home beer with the salsa and tortillas. in all, i'd say it was another awesome weekend. today work has been okay; pretty busy and quick paced. my roommate is out of town, so tonight i have the whole house to myself! whoo! i'm not sure what i'm going to do with it, but you can bet it will be loud and won't involve doing dishes when i'm done.