so much to do!

the kids and i are going to the drive-in tonight, to see the new night at the museum and star trek. we're all excited, them more so because it's their very first drive-in experience. can you believe it? i'm glad i get to be the one to take them, because (not to toot my own horn) i am awesome at drive-in's. i pack great picnic snacks, i totally buy popcorn and bring lots of blankets and pillows and will let you act like a jackass as much as you want. before we go, though, there is a ton of stuff that needs to be done around the house. boo hiss!

• the lawn needs to be mowed. the front and the back, and it has to be done today because grandpa will want his mower back tomorrow.
  
• the living room needs to be cleaned. it looks like a tornado hit it, and i swear we just deep cleaned the damn thing a few days ago. if we weren't such slobs...
• dishes need to be put up!
  
• laundry needs to be folded. although i'm willing to let that one go until tomorrow.
• the big car needs a good cleaning and vacuuming. mainly because we want to take it tonight (the seats in the back fold down and we can open up the back and watch from there!), and partly because D is having one hell of a week and i think if i take his car today and return it clean and sparkly he'll be happily surprised.
• i need to go out to my house and pick up some of my stuff. i want to get it all out of there, and SOON so i don't ever have to go back.
  
• we'll need to go to the grocery store for supplies and food as well today. we're out of a bunch of stuff, and i want to pick up cold-cuts and stuff for sandwiches.
  

knowing that after we do all this lame-0 house stuff we get to go to the island and watch movies is making the kids begrudgingly okay with helping out. besides, they do grumble, but they do also get stuff done so i can't really complain. sure, sometimes i have to nag, but i don't mind too much. hee hee...

semi-official

D and i picked out the place we want to get married at! we are now officially, semi-officially engaged. we both agree it will be a "real" engagement when we go get rings. don't worry, we're not going to wed any time soon; the plan is october of next year. we wanted to pick a place early, because after that the planning is much easier. we've been talking about weddings and getting married, but picking a place makes it that much more real. we sort of stumbled into picking the venue; neither one of us was in a huge rush to nail it down, but we did want a lot of time to look. we also have a few weddings to go to this month and it got us talking and taking notes, and doing the whole, "yeah, we're not doing that, " or "ooh, that's a good idea..."

we knew that to plan a wedding the first thing we should do was to pick a venue, so we could set a date and start working on stuff (and saving money for it) and while on-line i came across the quarry. it looked interesting, not like your usual church or lodge or hotel wedding. i sent the link over to D and that afternoon we drove out to see where it was. you can't see it without a reservation, but we liked the area and what we could see of it was really pretty. i sent the owner an email the next day explaining that we'd like to come out and take a look, and he had an opening that night. after i got off work yesterday we headed back out and to be honest, we knew pretty much right away. part of me thinks this is just way too easy, but part of me is just stoked we found a place so perfect, within our price range, and so totally unique right off the bat. at the risk of sounding hokey, finding such a great place the first time we went out seems kind of like a sign. in any case, the location is great, there's all this art everywhere, the grounds are gorgeous, there's a ridiculously beautiful B&B right there, and even if no one else likes it but us, no one will lack for things to talk about!

we went home and talked to the kids about it, and they seem pleased. we told M first, because she wanted to know where we were going and what we were doing and why she couldn't come with, and so we explained that we had been talking about getting married next year and wanted to start looking at places to get some ideas. she immediately got giggly and smiley and so D made sure she knew that it would be a while before we actually did it, which she did. we told C when we got home, and when i asked him what he thought he said, "well, you like octopods, i like octopods; you like zombie comics, i like zombie comics; i think we'll be fine." i gave him a little poke in the ribs and he gave me a smile and went back to work starting the fire for dinner. his friend O came over later and i heard them talking about it and C sounded more than okay with it. knowing that both are okay with it, that so far there hasn't been any fallout or fussiness (knock on wood) is a great feeling. we talked about some ideas we had, and of course C wants to wear a sword to it, and M wants a fancy dress that isn't "too poofy," and when we told them we just want it to the be the four of us in the wedding they were delighted.

it's so exciting. i never thought i'd be all ga-ga about being a bride, but i am downright giddy. it's not just being a bride, of course, it's marrying D specifically and getting two lovely step-kids at the same time. i'm happy, i'm excited, and we keep going back to the website and looking at things and talking about what sort of food we want, what D wants to wear, what color my dress should be...we are all very into the celebration aspect of it. we are excited about being a family, corny as it sounds. i know i've said it before, and i'll say it again, i'm a happy, lucky girl in love. gross, right?

i need something new to read

i'm in the midst of finishing up the dark tower series, which has been a fun little romp. i'm kind of slogging through anathem (sometimes keeping up with stephenson's is difficult for me, i admit. i think i'm smart, but sometimes, not so much!), but what need something that grabs me. the last book i read that i absolutely adored was the yiddish policeman's union; it was quick and smart and had beautiful sentences. you're smart, you think of something for me to read, okay? thanks!

good morning!

lulu face, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i hope you all had a lovely memorial day weekend. i always have monday off, so for me it was pretty normal, except that everyone else also had monday off, making for a fun time.

on saturday D and i went to a wedding where he made a gigantic cheese cake. it was well over 50 lbs of cake; with 22 lbs of cream cheese, about 60 eggs, four pounds of butter...it was a massive amount of dairy all in one place. needless to say, most of it was eaten, but they sent a chunk of it home with us. i've been telling the kids they have to eat it at every meal, and lo and behold, they actually can get sick of eating cake at every meal. who would have guessed?

lulu and puddin are getting along well. they walk up to each other on occasion and bump noses. i'm not sure exactly what this means in the cat world, but it seems like a friendly gesture to me. they've also been busy being outdoor, jungle cats. i make lulu wear a collar with a nametag on it when she goes outside, but puddin is far too mean and crotchety to ever get stolen so she gets to go out without. lulu is all about climbing trees and jumping over stuff, stalking birds and making wild dashes across the yard. puddin is older and not as spry, but both of them stayed out all night last night and came home this morning hungry and damp from the rain, but in good spirits. it's nice to see them palling around, and i think having lulu around has actually made puddin a bit less crab-tastic.

we did a ridiculous amount of barbequeing this weekend, including some giant spotted prawns. they were crazy delicious. tonight we're going to stuff mushrooms with crab and nosh on leftovers, topping it all off with more cheesecake. i finally got my hands on a copy of role models to watch, and we started part of it last night so tonight we'll finish it. we also bought a copy of fiddler on the roof for the girlchild, and yesterday while folding clothes i pulled it out and we all got sucked in. i'd forgotten how fun that movie is, and how awesome the sing-along parts are. i'm quite possibly the world's worst grown-up, though, becaue i also let the kids rent harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay, which is pretty inappropriate for a 10 year old. it is, however, pretty funny, and we had a good time staying up way too late this weekend and watching movies and goofing off. i love it when we're all home together, and no one has to work. we don't get a lot done, but we do have a good time.

home again

me and D and boosh, originally uploaded by pinprick.

vacation was awesome. seriously. what i love about this photo is it sums up the trip pretty accurately. this is D and i in wicker park, with my friend megan and her cute boyfriend R, having eaten a great lunch, spent time browsing bookstores and having one celebrity sighting (i met danger mouse! whoo!).

i didn't realize how huge chicago was/is, and didn't get to see all the people or places i wanted. this is unfortunate for a few reasons, but i'm also glad for a good reason to go back. by the time we left, D and i were talking about coming back. there are a million things the kids would love to see, and while chicago is definitely a big city, it seems family friendly. we saw lots of families out and about, and with all the museums and parks and shops, there's something for everyone. it was great to have a grown-up vacation by ourselves, but the next time we go we're totally bringing the kidlets.

i have a million things to tell you, but i also have to go back to work today (boo, hiss), finish cleaning up and posting photos, and the house is wrecked and needs a good cleaning. tomorrow or maybe tonight i'll have a better summary for you.

did i mention the food in chicago is superb? because it IS. i could tell you as much about the meals i ate there as the other awesome things i saw. i'm pretty sure i'm fifty pounds heavier, and i don't regret a single bite!

hey, guess who isn't packed yet?

book, originally uploaded by pinprick.

that would be ME. ahem. i stayed up way too late last night, pretty much doing anything but pack. what did i do instead? ate hot sauce on chips. watched some mighty boosh. painted my fingers and toes. made lists of things i want to pack. played with the cat. angsted about how to break up with my roommate (who is living in a fantasy world if she thinks i'm staying!). read a book. started and didn't finish a million emails.

today at lunch i'll have time to sneak home and put some stuff in order, and then after work i can finish stuff up. i'm staying in seattle tonight because my flight tomorrow leaves crazy early (6 in the morning!). i'll try to blog tonight since i'm not taking a computer with me. D is convinced i won't be able to make it without my precious internets, but i told him, emphatically, that i'll be fine. he said sure, but what about him? "i'm going to have to hear about how much you want to check your email!" i told him that's why i bring paper journals and pens and write postcards. after all, this should be a vacation, and maybe that means i should take some time off from my internet addiction. we'll see how well i fare and how long i last!

countdown: 3 days

eek! three days until chicago. i've been all sorts of geeked out and spastic about it, leading to me getting very little done in the way of actually getting ready for my trip. today at work i plan on making yet another list of things i want to bring, things i need to pick up from my house, places i want to go, etc. (i will probably invest in one of those little pop-up maps, just so i can always figure out where i am. i love those things.) so far, here is my list of absolutes:

• myopic books. sharyn clued me into this, and after checking out the website, i can hardly wait to get there. before i go, however, i'm going to need to make another list, this one of all the books i'm looking for. going into a place like that unarmed is a bit dangerous. you never know what i'd wander out of there with!
• rotofugi. another sharyn pick! i can never resist the urge to buy fancy toys in a new town. when my sister lived in alameda, we would go into san fransisco just to hit kid robot.
• vienna beef factory store. OH MY GOD. not only am i going to eat delicious, all beef hot dogs, but i'm totally going to buy a poster of them as well. i wll hang that poster over my bed, so when i sleep at night, i'll have sweet, beefy dreams. yeah, that sounds dirty. do i care? NO.
• occult bookstore. as much for me as for the boychild, who is all about the mysteries of the occult. i bought him a copy of the necronomicon the other week, with a stern warning that he is not to summon any old ones or demons while he lives at home. he rolled his eyes at me, but i think he understood.
• cocktails. with chicago peeps as well as with D. preferably, with all of you at once.
  

honestly, all i want to do is spend some time with my man, out of town, in our funky little hotel, and if we get to see the sights, then i'm stoked. i hear the museum of science and industry is amazing, and i want to see that, as well as some chicago art. i want to wander around, and take pictures, and hopefully get a little sun. i get into town early on friday, and am there until tuesday! that's such a long time to get out of town. whoo! any more suggestions? i'm open to them.

domestic stuff

yesterday i brought lulu over to D's. it was a bit of a mad rush to get in and out of there without running into my roommate, and in the process i forgot to grab a few other things (like my checkbook! damn), but i am so happy she's here. she seems pretty pleased as well. D's room has a million little nook's and cranny's for her to hide in, there's lot of space for her to jump and run around, and this is just one room. for now i'm keeping her in here so she can get settled and get used to the smell of the other animals. there's another cat, puddin, and a dog, daisy. no one is sure how long daisy will be with us, but we know puddin is here to stay. so far, lulu seems totally curious about puddin, and puddin seems nonplussed. i guess we'll see how they really do when they are actually up close to each other, and not just eyeing each other across a room.

today is all about doing stuff around the house. D and M went to borrow the lawn mower from his folks, C and i are going to fold clothes and watch firefly. we need to do all sorts of stuff in and around the house, and it's a gorgeous day to get stuff done. this morning was lovely and leisurely and included the making of german pancakes (thanks kristy!) and drinking of coffee. i have some hankies i need to finish embroidering for a friend's wedding, and a mountain of clothes that need to find a home. i should have brought over my dresser yesterday too, but i wasn't really thinking.

the housing situation is a pretty crappy one right one. my roommate is being a bitch about me not being there, and ever other second she's either pissed that the cat lives there, or doesn't want me to take it because her kids love it. there's no winning in this situation. she's a whole lot of drama i don't really want to deal with, hence the sneaking in and out of my own house. ugh. this is why i hate living there so much, and why i can't wait to get out. i want to be with my man and my cat and the kids, not avoiding my roommate and getting mad that her kid is now pretty much just stealing stuff right out in the open. what a sucky situation. hey, if anyone is ever looking for a good roommate, don't pick her, okay? great!

go enjoy your mother's day!

happy cinco de mayo!

or, how i learned to love the pig flu.

cinco de mayo, what a great excuse to drink mas tequila y cerveza and make an ass of yourself. luckily for me, those days are past (and i'm a mite broke). tonight we'll eat bean burritos to celebrate, but only because we happen to have all the fixin's for them. this morning on the radio i was listening to reports that all the big cinco de mayo celebrations in mexico were cancelled due to swine flu, which made me sort of sad. at the same time, it's nice to know that people are at least being prudent when it comes to disease control.

the whole thing with swine flu seems to be an awful lot of hype for a pretty standard flu. the only good thing to come of all the hubbub is that i think more people understand just how deadly the regular old flu can be as well. when you compare the two strains, the pig flu is killing less of us. the only other positive aspect i can see is how many people are rejecting the urge to go out and call everything a pandemic and disaster. it's heartening to think that so many people are becoming more media-savvy, or at the very least, are taking a critical look at what's being presented. that's not to say swine flu isn't dangerous or deadly, but when taken in context, compared to the flu we already know and love, it's not as huge a deal as some would make it out to be.

that being said, make sure you wash your hand and stop picking your nose. no pig kissing, and make sure if you imbibe massive amounts of agave-flavored liquors you have a driver or the number for a cab!

it's been a little over a month since my pop passed away. i went home this weekend to see my mom and my niece, and on my way out of town i stopped to see dad as well. you'd think some grass would have grown on his grave by now, but it hasn't. not wet enough, i suppose. there were some other people in the cemetery, which annoyed me, but it was nice to sit with him for a while. he was never much for flowers (he had allergies and swore up and down we were trying to kill him whenever we brought any home!) so i brought him a smoke and some whiskey. technically, this is a traditional indian thing, plus, i think it would crack him up. he always favored old granddad whiskey, but i couldn't find a tiny bottle of that, so he got some good old jack. the headstone won't show up for a few more months, so for now there's an awful aluminum marker. i will say, though, that while his grave isn't on the slope of the hill (the most popular spot and with the best view), he's got a nice view. lots of farmland, a pretty big red barn, and you can see the town from where he is. i can understand better now why he wanted to be buried; being able to go and see him, such as it is, is a comfort. he always wanted coupeville to be our home, and now we'll always have a place there.

while nothing is ever going to be the same again, i think my family and i are settling in as best we can. pop was a bigger buffer between my sister and mother and i than i realized; every little bump along the way this past month has been harder to navigate. there were quite a few weeks when i couldn't even talk to them. not in an angry sort of way, but our nerves were definitely raw and we had a hard time expressing ourselves. on the one hand, all i want to do is talk about him with them, but it's so hard to bring it up, and i don't want to make anyone else cry or feel bad. i can also only take so much. it's still way too new, way too sharp a feeling. i can't believe everyone goes through this; that seems completely, crazily unfair. it's simply a matter of whether you have gone through it, or you will. honestly, that thought blows me away. that we can go on after this, that in a sense it's a normal part of life, is amazing to me. it doesn't make me miss him any less, but it does comfort me in a odd way.

i know i say it all the time, but i do really miss him. he wasn't always easy to get along with, either. i want you to know that i'm not idealizing him or my relationship with him, but for all his jerky qualities, i still miss him. i'd take all the lousy stuff about our relationship if it meant i got to have him back. i just wish i'd had longer with him.

okay, enough of this for today. i spent all weekend thinking about and dealing with this stuff. today i'm going to do laundry, run some errands, make the house tidy and wait for my little family to come home. i love having one day to myself, but i love it when they come home from school and tell me about their days, and we sit and talk and listen to the radio. i also need to dye my hair all one color; right now it's kind of a hot mess and i'm going to chicago in less than 2 weeks time! i want to be foxy for that trip, and i'm pretty sure foxy doesn't have streaky, ridiculous hair.

you can make fun of me for this if you'd like,

planted stuff, originally uploaded by pinprick.

but lately i'm all about buying wedding magazines. don't get too excited! it's not official or anything (in that i don't have a ring and am not engaged), but i am having one hell of a good time looking at cakes and dresses and wedding favors. D and i started talking about it a while ago, in a hypothetical way, and i started buying magazines to see how much things cost (since i know that we'll be paying for it). i wanted a clear idea of what sorts of expenses we'd be incurring, and how much we'd need to save, and if a wedding was something we really wanted to spend money on, that sort of thing.

does it seem ridiculously early to plan this sort of thing? sure. i admit it's quick. however, there's a big difference between planning and doing. looking at the magazines, having the "that's so hideous!" or, "ooh, i like that" talks are a lot of fun. you know, i always thought if i got married i'd run off to vegas and send my family a postcard, but D is a little more traditional than that. he thinks if we're going to get married, then he wants a wedding. i can see where he's coming from; it will be a first for both of us, so why not have a ceremony and party? it's funny in some ways, because i want things to be less formal, but he's actually got some serious ideas for it. like, i thought a mexican food buffet would be awesome; it could cater to both vegetarians and meat eaters, the foods could be easily customizable, and who doesn't love cheap mexican beer? but the first thing he said was, "amanda, i'm not having a taco bar at my wedding reception." damn. i wanted that taco bar! or else get a bunch of those awesome taco trucks to park right there and cook to order! that would be awesome. i also want a guest list of about 30, but he's got a much bigger family and that's not going to happen. if i made my list today, there's be 15 people on it, and i'd be stretching. if D weren't so handsome and persuasive, i'd tell him to can it, we're going to the justice of the peace.

there's my guilty little secret! me and wedding magazines, sitting a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. ooh, that and i'm moving in at the end of this month. aw yeah, hello to shacking up!

comics and coffee

comics and coffee, originally uploaded by pinprick.

breakfast of champions.

i bought the tablecloth yesterday at fred's. it's one of those funny vinyl ones with the soft back; meant for picnics and being outside. it was just so fresh and spring-like that it had to come home with me. normally we use a cloth tablecloth, but to be honest it's kind of trashed and i hate having to wash it all the time. this one is ghetto and ridiculous, but you can also wipe it clean with a damp cloth. it wins!

tattoo flip flops

tattoo flip flops, originally uploaded by pinprick.

bought three new pairs of flip flops yesterday in the summer sun; one set for the girlchild and two for me (she got another new pair the day before, i'm not a jerk!). of course it's raining today.

power out!

we had a huge power outage last night, go here to read the story. i was at work at the time, with someone actually having a scan. luckily they were out of the bore at the moment, and so we didn't have to crawl in there and retrieve them! it was really strange; you expect a power outage during bad weather, not during a nice, sunny early evening. there wasn't anything we could do at work but lock up and go home, so that's what we did.

once i got home, we realized there was no beer in the house and i really wanted a beer, so we went on a beerventure. found one grocery store with a generator and picked up some tasty beverages and then went back home to relax and wait for the power to come back. we played farkel, nibbled on chips and salsa, and at about 8 we were sick of being inside so we headed for the part of town that did have power to eat a late supper. overall, it was a super fun night. however, in the future i think we need these things on hand just in case the power goes out again or, you know, we go camping. they'd be good for both!

• some sort of battery-free radio. my pop had a wind up radio he used in the bathroom (because you know in my family you can't be more than three feet away from a radio), and i really wished we had one last night so we could listen to the news and see what was going on.
• bigger, fatter candles. we only had some wimpy ones, and we definately needed something to cast some more light. oil lamps would also be good.
• smoked oysters and crackers. you are going to need a snack, and nothing satisfies more than smokey bivalves on saltines. chips and hot sauce were good, but we all agreed we wished we had some fishy treats as well.
• emergency beer rations. what if the store hadn't been open? what then?! i shudder to think.

i'm glad we did have games, and plenty of light to play by in the kitchen. it was fun to be sort of pioneer-esque. i remember being a kid and loving power out nights. mom and pop would light the oil lamps, we'd all hang out in the living room reading and playing games and goofing off. if it stayed off for a while, we'd build a fire in the woodstove and sleep out in the living room in sleeping bags to stay warm. it always felt neat to pretend we were camping, or were characters in a laura ingles wilder book. those are still some of my favorite childhood memories. of course, being a grown-up means now i get to drink beer during power outs, which is also nice.

white toe

white toe, originally uploaded by pinprick.

this year has been somewhat exasperating at times. yes, i met someone i'm head-over-heels for. yes, i get to go on a fabulous vacation to a city i've only barely seen. yes, i got a new job that kicks my old jobs ass. at the same time, i lost a parent. i came to a difficult decision to end some friendships that were pretty shitty. there's been some illness and bad news in D's family. for all the ups, are these downs that seriously just suck. at times i feel fairly philosophical and okay, dealing with crap as it comes and trying to make the best of it. other times you'll find me in a sobbing heap in the shower. i don't know what this is like for other people, but i have a feeling this is actually kind of normal.

the weather's getting nicer by the day. flowers and trees bloom, and i start sneezing like a sonofabitch. apt metaphor, yes? the other day the boychild decided he didn't want to eat meat anymore, right on the heels of his father and i talking about how we think we're eating too much meat (and sort of poorly in general). we were all in agreement; cutting down on meat is a good thing, although to be fair we might sneak some bacon in on occasion. or not. i had a perfectly lovely vegan lunch today, and it didn't require any big effort on my part. tonight's dinner plans are also vegan, by a fluke. white bean and garlic soup, with crusty bread and a side salad. in addition to eating less meat we're going to try to plan out our dinner's in advance. i'm going to become a domestic engineer, to be sure. menu planning seems hokey, but is a good way to plot out what we need from the store and get stuff ready in advance (so we don't cop out and eat out when nothing's ready and we're starving). kitchen time at the house is my favorite thing anyway, so working on makig that a bit more efficient and pleasant seems like a good investment. it might save us some money as well, which will be nice when we go to chicago.

other than this, i'm just busy trying to make it through every day. sometimes this seems like a task, other days, not so much. i miss my pop, i miss him a lot. it strikes me at the strangest times. looking through some of his cd's the other day i was struck with the knowledge that i wouldn't be able to share musical discoveries with him, wouldn't be able to burn him cd's, wouldn't hear what he was listening to and what he thought i should be listening to. it made me cry, but it made me happy that we always had that in common. he introduced me to neko case, and i introduced him to the white stripes. we swapped cd's and fought over what to listen to in the car. who am i going to burn a copy of middle cyclone for now?

(insert song about chicago here)

ahh, travel. is there anything i love more than airports and buses and new places to have cocktails? in a word, no. before pop passed away, D and i were planning on going to chicago; him for a big food conference and show, and me just to tag along and get some quality hotel make-out time logged. we had been looking at tickets and hotels, but you know, stuff happened. for a while i thought i shouldn't go, that the expense was too much, and that given what's going on with my family i should stick to home. the more i thought about it, though, the more i realized a little trip might do me good. D got a scholarship to the show through his college, meaning his hotel and flight are paid for. he's splitting the cost of my ticket and hotel with me, which helps me out a lot. the show is about a month away, and so of course ticket and hotel prices were higher than the last time we looked, but overall, not by much. not enough to keep me home! we got my ticket and hotel booked last night, and i am now officially going to chicago for five days and four nights.

i'm pretty excited. more than that, really. it was hard for me to sleep last night, thinking about the stuff i want to see and do, the food i want to eat, the parks and museums and bars i want to visit. i have some cousins in town as well, and a good friend that lives in milwaukie, so i'll get to do some catching up as well. does anyone have any suggestions for things to do and see? bars you love? i'm all about doing typical tourist-y things, but i'm also all for doing more random stuff, seeing other parts of the city. i hear the weather there this time of year is spotty; it can be warm one day and cold and rainy the next, but i'm hoping we get a little more sun than not, and that part of my trip can spent lazing outside a coffeeshop, reading and drinking and watching people. i'm also excited for cable tv and hotel living. i'm telling you, if i could, i would totally live in a hotel. nothing pleases me more than tiny bath towels that someone else washes, random comforters, views of parking lots and miniature coffee pots with single serving packets of coffee to go along with them. plastic wrapped water glasses, remote controls velcroed to tvs, bibles in bedside tables. i can practically smell the disinfectant! like i said before, ahh, travel.

ouch

this post over at boing boing made me teary eyed. my pop's cell phone is still on, for now at least, and while i wouldn't send him a text message, i do find myself talking to him a lot lately.

i promise at some point the blog will go back to being about my life, but right now, this is my life. sometimes it feels awful, but sometimes, not so much. i like being able to talk about him, i like remembering him. he's my pop and i love him, and for a while he's just going to be at the forefront of stuff i'm thinking about.

well, that and how awesome the movie step brothers is. seriously. i could watch it like three times a day and always pee a little at the sleepwalking/tree house/catalina wine mixer scene. grief is a strange thing, my friends. suddenly the comedic timing of john c. reilly is just amazing to me.

easter update

the eggs did get dyed! i only bought two dye kits, but for some reason we had a ridiculous amount of dye; something like 18 colors, and only 22 eggs to color. that didn't stop up from over-dyeing, striping, drawing and coloring like crazy. it was a fun night, i have some photos of the eggs, but not nearly enough. the camo colors were intense and dark, which made for some interesting color combinations. we went to my folk's for easter day. as usual, we had lamb of god and ham, lots of side dishes, and too many people crammed into one tiny house. the food was excellent, and after we came home i basically laid down to read and passed out. the kids got baskets from D as well as my mom, including their first kinder eggs. i got a basket from D, but i think because now i have kids to bring to holidays mom won't make me one anymore. i am now, once and for all, officially a grown-up.

which sucks. i mean, parts of it are awesome (like sleepovers with my boyfriend and cocktails), but for all the fun and good food yesterday, i still felt pretty sad. the day before easter we went to a memorial for one of D's uncles who passed away this past week. i was glad to be there with him, for him, and to meet more of his family, but it definately put me in a subdued mood. easter just wasn't the same without pop, and it's hard for me to talk about him with anyone, still. on the way home i told D that the rest of the year we're spending all holidays with his folks. i want the kids to be with their grandparents next time, in their own environment, doing what they normally do. they've been just absolute champs about the whole thing, they deserve a holiday where amanda doesn't get mopey.

that's the best and worst thing about all this. through all of this, D and the kids have been awesome. i didn't realize that three people who don't have to love me, who don't owe me a thing, could be so amazing and supportive and wonderful. i feel very well taken care, and grateful for the little things they do to make me feel better. when push came to shove, they were right there. all the people that came through for me, that were there with calls and emails and cards made me realize how fortunate i am. i'm also just very lucky that i spend most of my time with a cute family that hugged me tight and told me i was going to be okay. i wish my pop had gotten to know them, because he would have loved them.

absentee blogger

dalek, originally uploaded by pinprick.

slowly getting back into the swing of things. days are mostly okay, i find i'm worse at night. it's the quiet, thinking times of days where i'm struck dumb. it feels very surreal, to keep going about work and life and love when he's gone. at the same time, i'm fairly sure he wouldn't want me hiding in my room crying for weeks or months on end. pop was nothing if not practical. i don't know. it just all seems strange and if i stop too long to think about it...it just gets complicated. my brain hurts.

i've been indulging in some serious escapism lately, including watching massive amounts of the mighty boosh on adult swim, reading everything i can get my hands on, and knitting. the boychild lent me the first of stephen king's dark tower series, which is honestly a lot of fun. it's got that awesome, creepy, post-apocalyptic vibe that i love so much, with a hefty dose of western and epic. evidently they are also comic books, which we also want to read. last weekend we spent a good chunk of the beautiful spring sunshine inside, playing pinball and old-school arcade games (tetris, anyone?), which was lovely. this weekend is easter, and i've got our egg dyeing kits all ready to go. tonight we boil the eggs, tomorrow we color. i found a camo kit, as well as your basic bright colors. i'm going to pick up some glitter as well, i think. shiny eggs might be fun too. we'll see!

no sugarcoating

this week has been hard. exhausting, really. i had no idea i could be sad, i had no idea i could go to work while that sad, i had no idea that you can feel the sad like a full-body bruise.

i'm lucky that i have plenty of people who love and care about me and for me. seriously, truly, fortunate in that regard. i feel awful that i'm such a shit to be around right now!

i only worked two days this week, but i think that was pretty much all i could handle. this weekend i plan on doing not much of anything; D has to work a lot, and has a lot of homework to do, and the kids are finishing up their spring break. if the weather holds, i'm going to try to squirrel them off someplace fun to treat them. they were absolute dolls this past week; they deserve some laser tag or arcade games, comic books, movies and/or pizza. there is a big part of me that just wants to crawl into bed and not get out of it for the next 48 hours, but if i start there i might not stop. plus, that sort of lifestyle will just lead to me becoming a 500 lb shut-in, and i'm pretty sure that would piss my pop off royally*.

*i still cannot bring myself to use past tense. i can't do it, i cry too hard. i'm a retard.