boo, hiss

hi! i'm not ignoring you. i just don't have anything fun to say. i've been knitting some stuff, and reading some books, and watching too many movies. would it be horribly sad and pathetic to admit that watching all three netflix movies in one weekend makes me feel like the most accomplished girl on the planet? i watched movies! that i paid for! in a timely manner! i also changed all the pillowcases on my bed, but not the sheets. they're just so big and such a pain in the ass, and i got part of the bed-making done and then called it a day. lazy is my middle name.

i also have been telling people all week that i'm going to change my last name to "pants" which i think will be the most hilarious thing on earth. however, did you know legally changing your name is a gigantic pain in the ass? it is. it involves actual court dates and and petitions and blah blah blah. however, if i were to just get married, it would be easy. just carry around your stupid marriage license and the world bows to your newly named self. jerks! what about us spinsters who just want a new name? one without a hyphen and something that will make us crack up at random times? i said it before, and i'll say it again, jerks.

yamo be there!

before i say anything else, let me tell you this: my deodorant and i are totally breaking up. this stuff sucks. at this moment, i smell terrible. not just sort of sweaty, not even a little ripe, but instead i smell a lot like "excuse me ma'am, did you just crawl out of the gutter?" i bought this before i went on vacation, and actually tried it out in texas. to the state of texas, i apologize. i thought this deodorant was a good idea, honest. i looked at the ingredient label, i compared it to the hippy brand i normally use, and the list of things was practically identical. yet for some reason the other hippy brand works. i can't figure out why, but i'm through analyzing it. this stuff should work the same, but it doesn't. i don't care if it's voodoo or the souls of babies that makes the other stuff effective, i'm going back! the stink isn't worth saving two bucks!

yes, well, i saw 311. i know, i know! i don't really like them that much, but the show was fun. red rocks is crazy beautiful, like everyone says, and the sound is incredible. it's not super huge, and even if you aren't the biggest fan of the band playing at any given time, i bet it would still be a good time to go out there. 311 wasn't as good as ween and the flaming lips are going to be tomorrow night, but i'm glad i got to see red rocks for myself. aside from the gaggle of frat dicks "dancing" behind us, i had a good time. i also had the most ridiculous exchange with a boy ever:

me walking down the stairs from the bathroom to my seat
a young man (by young i mean YOUNG, he had the face of a 12 yr old) steps out in front of me.
i stop.
him: where did you come from?
me: up there.
him: i'm glad you're here, i've been waiting for you forever.
me: i'm sure you were.

if he didn't look like he couldn't drive a car yet, i might have considered making out with him just because that was one of the weirdest come ons i've ever gotten. but he looked like i could be his mom, so i gave him a sqeeze on the side as i walked around him and left it at that.

aren't you glad i didn't see michael mcdonald? i'm going to go haul my tired and stinky butt to bed now. where i will no doubt dream of white men that sound black, audacious young men, and finding a deodorant that won't make me smell awful.

three whole days

i got three days off in a row this week! sort of on accident; i asked for today and tomorrow off, then the boss decided to close the store on sunday. i tend to always be scheduled for sunday (because i don't bitch about it), but not this week. or next! whoo!

going to a show tonight out at red rocks. i am not the biggest fan of the band we're going to go see, but i want to see red rocks and the roomates were going so i am too. in fact, i'm not much of a fan at all of the band, they remind me of being hungover in college. i'll get to drink beer outside, though, and see lots of cute colorado boys roaming around, so i'm sure it will be fun.

confession

if you are a cute boy and you come into my work, i will likely ignore you, as that is what i do when faced with cuteness. if i have to help you, i will do it nicely, but sort of nonchalantly. handsome men make me nervous, and when i am nervous, the talking and banter stops since i am too busy trying to act cool and like i totally don't care. however, i *might* also google your name later. ahem. i swear i'm not a stalker! but you know, i am curious.

i asked for rain and then it showed up!

i also finished my fetching fingerless mittens (being washed now, to be blocked later!), hung out with kitten-face, and now i'm going to go do something...i'm not sure what. i have a hundred million things i think i should be doing, but very little in the way of ambition. whoo!

knitting:rain

slush for brains

it's too hot to do anything. too hot to even complain. the cat and i shed all over the house, her leaving small tufts of short hair, me leaving long strands of black straw littered all over. we lie on the couch in a hot lump, losing hair and watching old movies on tv. it's too hot to lay there together, but we are comfy and don't want to move, so we lie there all melty and fussy, thinking about the timbre of gregory peck's voice and how we wish it would rain. at least, i'm pretty sure she's thinking the same thing. either that or she's thinking "anchovies."

goofing at work

some fake lomo action! many of the cameraphones at work have a setting called "color tones," which mimic the effects of a lomo colorsplash. can you tell it was a quiet day in the salt mines?

now i'm not sure if it's kray-ken or crack-en

but it was glorious and wonderful and mildly retarded and over-the-top. i'll admit i didn't much care for the first pirates movie, and didn't even finish watching it (i used to feel guilty when i ended a movie early, now i feel like it's my time and i don't want to waste it on crap!), but this one was fun*. big, dumb, fun.

i also went out with the roommates and had beers and pizza. i have learned that i can have a beer or two on the medication, but that being on it again has made my tolerance like that of a three year old. i used to get my drunk on when i was last on it, but it takes a while to get used to all the side effects and to be honest, even though i feel better i don't feel great. there's a difference. i take enough of the meds to help keep the never-ending panic at bay, but not enough of it to dull my senses completely. i'm still getting used to the new chemistry, and i don't want to push it.

i have also decided that if you hear the jackson 5 and don't melt just a little when you hear the beautiful voice of young michael, then you are dead inside. don't argue with me about this, i know i'm right.

*the nerd in me, though, was upset with how anatomically incorrect the kraken was. or rather, how not like a humboldt it was. my nerd sides were arguing with each other the whole time; happy about tentacle goodness, and at the same time thinking about how the beak was all wrong. dork!

if my fists weren't so small i'd break shit with them

i'm tired and frustrated. the guy that was supposed to interview me was in the store all day long. all fucking day. interviewing everyone but me. i'm not sure what i expected since i seem to be working for the most scattered, clueless jerks in the midwest, but i kind of thought you know, that if they told me i was having an interview today i would have an interview today. instead i'm supposed to call tomorrow for a phone interview. my day off! wonderful. i'm annoyed. one of the guys i work with is also bugging the shit out of me lately, and we keep getting to close the store together. so not only did i spend a whole day sitting next to the fucker, but i spent all day waiting for an interview that never came.

i'm not going to get this job. which is just as well, i'm sure, but i kind of really wanted it.

i feel like i'm waiting for something to happen. first waiting to feel settled, then waiting to feel normal, now waiting to just go home. what if this is as good as it's ever going to get? if that's the case, then i feel really fucked.

i'm sorry, i'm in a bad mood. i'm going to go dye my hair again and eat peanuts.

the love of octopi, it is universal

i am not normally a big plastic clip in my hair sort of girl. however, this is an octopus clip, and i have a long hair. i use these things in my hair in the shower, so i can keep the conditioner in longer. i also use them sometimes when i paint, to keep the hair out of my way. this octopus clip, it is insane. i have it in right now and all my hair is in it, pulled up and folded in half, and i'm shaking my head around it hasn't come loose. it's kind of amazing. yay for hair science!

also, i know it's short notice, but i actually have a job interview tomorrow (just at work!) and i'm worried about that part of my hair this is still dark brown. if i dye my hair again tonight, the parts that got missed (and probably some of the surrounding area too, because who are we kidding? i wasn't that precise to start with), will it all fall out? should i wait a day? wear it in a ponytail tomorrow? although i have to say, no one at work even noticed i did anything to my hair, much less commented on the part i funked up. either they didn't see it, or they were just being nice.

hypothermia -or- i am secretly fifteen years old

two things:

1. if you have really long hair, yes, dying your hair yourself will save you tons of money. however, it will also probably mean that you have a weird spot in the back that doesn't dye because you can't reach it. lucky for you, you have to use a mirror to see that part, so who cares?
   
2. make sure you have a towel you can get all messed up because you will need it for not just your hair. you will also need it to clean up the spatters and schmutz that gets everywhere. also, if you use your bare hands in the shower to wash up, they will get all blue and freakish looking. well, they will if you use freakish dark dye.
   
3. my hair is now the same color as my grandmother's. crazy-old-lady-blackie-black. well, the front is.
   
4. damn! four things!
   

making stuff

stupid knitty. stupid knitty and their cute patterns! sure, i'm almost done with the blankie, but can i work on it? no, i had to start these cute mittens. they're working up quite fast. i started them saturday night, and got all this done yesterday in the car and at the barbeque. i think mine will be a bit longer than the ones in the photo on the pattern because i used a different yarn (hi, i can't follow directions!), but they are very cute and so far they fit just fine. the pattern seems forgiving.

i want to tell you more about seeing the raconteurs, but i've got some knitting to do and some bad television to watch. i will say, though, that jack white seemed to be having a hell of a good time, the fillmore has horrible ventilation and no air conditioning that i could sense, if you like the album you would have loved the show, i'm fairly certain at this point that i must dye my hair black again, and i am super glad i went. i think i need more rock in my life. more hard rock guitars, please! even my sweet boy knows the value of rock.

i am really, really sweaty.

and really, really tired, but totally happy. the art festival was rad, i bought a very cool present for my mom, i'm pretty sure i saw lidia bastianich, had a lemon ice, went to a barbeque that had a lot of nice kids, saw an awesome show, and bought a new lip stain. it was a million degrees outside, and did i mention i got kind of sweaty? no matter how hot it is, no matter how much weight i lose in water, i simply cannot wear a skirt without a slip. hello, OCD. the slips, they are usually made of synthetic fibers, which never, ever, in a million years breathe. i can actually feel the salt crystals on my skin. grossed out yet? think about how i feel. i'm going to have to rinse off before bed.

also, dear little jack lawrence,

you are so ridiculously adorable. i met you once at a blanche show and i was drunk on dirty martinis and i think i scared you a little, but you should know i was there tonight to see you just as much as i was there to see jack white. my roommate, she is also a little jack convert. we really wanted to take you home with us. not in a weird, misery sort of way, but more in a "let us feed you cookies and give you the remote to the tv."

okay, now i have rinse and hit the hay. sleep! whooo!

the guilt is going to kill me (or not)

on thursday my boss told everyone we were having a store meeting this sunday. i asked for this sunday off last month. i'm going to see a show, and i knew there was some arts and crafts thing going on in town that my roommate wanted to go to as well. i didn't say anything at the time because i didn't know exactly what was going on, and didn't want to jump the gun. today when i told him that i had asked for sunday off weeks ago, and now knew my roommate's plan and really wanted to go do that, he sort of guilt tripped me. "well, if that's what you have to do..."

at the same time i'm feeling guilty, i'm thinking about how every single fucking store meeting they've called in the last month has been scheduled on my day off. i think that's sort of unfair, and not only that, i think telling everyone they have to attend a meeting and giving them two days notice is bullshit.

skipping the meeting might not help my chances with the new job thing, but i kind of don't care. i have a life, albeit a small one, and my days off are mine. i don't get many of them, and when i need a day, i ask way in advance for it so i think it's reasonable that they respect that.

at this point the worst thing that can happen is that i get fired. honestly, though, would that really be so bad? would i lose my health insurance? um, no, because i don't have that. would i lose my sick time/vacation time? oh wait, i don't have that either. would i lose my cushy schedule? oh no, i don't actually have that either. finding a new job that would last a few months would be sucky, to be sure, but keeping this job for the next few months is also going to be sucky, so whatever. i vascillate between wanting to rage against the machine and taking a nap. it seems pointless to be upset about this because i know it's a temporary situation but the principle of the matter annoys me.

it totally figures

that the day i feel extra-motivated to get shit done, is the same day it's 103 degrees outside. oh, and did i mention my car has been boycotting air conditioning? it works, but when it's on, the car does not like to run very well or very fast. i lost three pounds today in water weight alone. i know it!

the mail has been so good to me

i mean it! today i got a ton of cool stuff in the mail; some of it i was expecting, some of it a total surprise, all of it wonderful. i'm not going to tell you what it all was, since i believe in the mailed thank you note and i don't want to wreck that for anyone, but one thing was naked by david sedaris. that was my first sedaris book, and the one that a girl named becky stole from me. she also took my favorite striped socks, my copy of stevie wonder's original musiquarium, and my faith in my ability to make friends. i'm not bitter, i'm just saying. tonight my big plan is to put on my pjs and read as much of naked as i can in one sitting.

it's good to have a plan.

oh! i almost forgot. i have an extra ticket to see the raconteurs this weekend in denver at the fillmore. if you want to go, email me.

careful, the sloth might be contagious

i got nothing done today. when i say nothing, i mean it. no laundry, no going to the post office (or even the mailbox), no grocery shopping, no folding of clothes and putting them away, no knitting even! oh my god, how can i be so lazy? i took two naps today. that's approximately one more nap than most people should take in one day, unless they are sick, and i'm not even sniffly.

i am a slug. i did start reading franny and zooey today, though, a book i've always meant to read.

happy pink feet

wearing a uniform to work every day is both very cool and very sucky. cool because i never have to think, "what am i going to have to wear today?" and sucky because sometimes it's "damn, that stupid polo again." under my uniform i try to wear fun socks. knowing that under my god-awful khakis are bright pink argyles makes me happy on the inside, if not on the outside. the other day J caught sight of one of my socks and said, "um, you know you have nothing red on, right?" i said, "my socks are red!" he replied, "yeah, but nothing else." yes, i know. i pointed out how cool it was that my socks were red, and he shook his head at me. i should buy him some purple socks so he can feel the coolness for himself. after all, i did turn him on to crunk and gnarls barkley.

i have tomorrow off, i work friday, then i get two more days off. i was trying to get someone to switch a shift with me so i could have three days off in a row, but no one could do it. working just one day is easy, though, so i'm not exactly complaining. i'm hoping to get some knitting done tomorrow, get a professional to fix my bangs (i look like either dumb or dumber right now), and go to the post office. wild and exciting stuff, i know.

also, this weekend my parents will have been married for 30 years! crazy. you know what this means right? next year i'm thirty, too. my sister called me today to remind me, and i realized i should maybe put something in the mail for them. i'll have to work on that tomorrow.

rainy day

it's been raining on and off for the past few days. i think the natives here hate it, but i love it. it's nice and dark and cool, the air smells good, and it make me sort of homesick in a good way. i'll be home in the fall, and i'll get to have all the rain my little heart desires. whoo!

'roid rage

oh my god! i'm steaming over here! full on, pissed-off, angry, ready-to-burn-shit-down or punch-you-in-the-neck angry! dude!

one of the jerks i work with decided today that he had to buy a car. he's been talking about this for months (literally since i started working there, over five months ago), but has never actually bought a car. sometimes he shifts his focus and decides he's going to buy a motorcycle. he never actually does this either. the past few weeks he's been talking about it a lot, but we all ignored him. after all, he never even goes to look at the cars he talks about, so what the hell.

today, of course, he not only decides he has to buy this car right now, but he leaves three of us at work alone for over 2 1/2 hours. that wouldn't have been so bad if we didn't only have one tech, and a line that went out the front door. we were busting ass all day long, and he was out looking at a fucking car. dude, isn't that what days off are for? when he comes back to work, he gets all huffy with all of us, "you guys don't need to be so mean, i had to do this today." i point out it's not like he was sick, or at the doctor's, or anything like that, but that he was out buying a car while we were stuck at work with a store full of customers. then he tells me that i shouldn't say anything since i went home sick one day. um, yeah, sick. the he "shhh"s me and tells me "not in front of the customers." oh hell no. he's the one that started it! fucker! oh my god. he is so dead to me. i had to stay at work late because he was out fucking around, i had to deal with phones ringing off the hook, a line of people giving me the stink-eye, and he tells me "not in front of the customers?"

i shake my tiny fists in anger!

in better news, i got this photo turned into notecards over at shutterfly and they are hella cute. ha! i used "dude" and "hella" in the same post. hello, 15 years old.

i had a list of things to do

but instead i laid around in bed all day, half-heartedly watching tv and reading david sedaris books. i did manage to put some gas in my car, go to the bank, and buy a protein shake, but that's about it. i need to finish a onesie i promised someone, but eh...i'm enjoying being a sloth. i get one day off this week, and i can buy groceries after work tomorrow.

whew

mornings still seem to be the worst for me. i get all panic-y right about the time i jump into the shower for some reason. secret fear of being discovered dead and naked? maybe. you know my grandfather, the one with only one eye, died on the toilet when i was a kid. that's permanently scarred me for life. no matter how noble a life may have been, die in a bathroom and you are always going to be the family joke.

his life wasn't that noble, actually. he was sort of a jerk, but still. he's known for two things only; his fake eye and being dead on a toilet.

last night i slept all by myself. meaning, no pills helped me get there. i got tired, i put my head down on my pillow, and the next thing i knew it was morning. delightful! sleep, my friend, i missed you.

i applied for a position at work that would let me keep my job, but do it in the back room, away from customers. this would be great for me. i like my co-workers, i don't want to look for a brand-new job, but i am not good at sales. in fact, i downright suck at it. you want to haggle? great, let me pass you off to M. you want to yell? here's a number to call, they can help. i don't have enough patience or ambition to make commissioned sales work for me. i know it, and everyone else knows it too. let's hope they move me.

i am sleepier than usual

which is good for me, but boring for you. i took a nap this afternoon (evening) from about 8 to 10, two whole hours! that amazes me. i haven't had a nap that long since this weekend, but that was tranquilizer induced. this was all me. i feel like i could even go back to sleep on my own. it's great.

adjusting to the medication means i'll be extra sleepy for a while, but then it will taper off. i remember this from the first time. i also remember the way food tastes weird, and how averse i am to stuff that tastes very strongly. it's all plain noodles and toast, boring stuff. my friend garlic is not my friend at the moment.

anxiety makes the world small in a couple of ways. it makes you want to stick to one very specialized, limited routine. you do the same things every day, things that are safe and comforting. you become focused on yourself only, on how your body feels, and trying to make sure it doesn't riot. you spend a lot of time talking yourself into feeling okay. you start to miss out on stuff that isn't in your routine, you avoid things that might be new, places where you might get nervous and not have an escape plan. i know that sounds ridiculous, escape plan. it's not like i'm a fugitive, but the escape plan becomes real important. having a way out all the time is important. going to the movies means scoping out a spot where you can see the film well and making sure you have access to the exit without anyone in the way. going to a new place means finding the bathroom and the fastest way out first. it all starts gradually and becomes normal though, and you don't even realize you're doing it until you don't go someplace new because the thought of having to make a new escape route makes you tired. it's isolating and exhausting. being that nervous takes a lot of work, and a lot of planning. it's not all fun and games, kids.

watching fargo on amc i'm laughing at the words they dubbed in over the swear words. you foolish old man! i gave simple, fruitful instructions. ha! i can see buscemi's mouth, and that was not full briefcase he said. good times. i'm going to start replacing "fucking" with "fruitful" from now on.

i'm at work

no, really. i am. holiday pay? um, no. i bought a magazine at the grocery store this morning, to try to fend off the boredom. it's not working. bored bored bored. annoyed. missing my couch and the twilight zone marathon that's still going on. one more day of the house to myself, which means tonight i have to clean up. left to my own devices i mess things up pretty quickly.

bored!

cherry!

when cherries are in season, and not insanely expensive, i will eat them until my teeth are purple.

no crying today. i'm thinking in straight lines for more than five minutes at a time. work was not awful. my friends rule. so does the couch and ordering pay-per-view movies (nothing to return! you watch it and then you're done!). i still have a ways to go, but the immediacy of the panic, the way i felt all small and compressed and unable to see anything outside myself is going away. soon i'll write posts that aren't all self-obsessed and only about my brain.

movies i watched this weekend

with notes to follow later today! right now i have to go to work.

1. match point
2. million dollar hotel
3. no such thing
4. massive amounts of the twilight zone, which wasn't actually a movie, but should count considering i lost hours yesterday to that show.
   

baby steps

remember in what about bob? when richard dreyfuss tells bill murray to take baby steps and bill (bob) takes him literally and minces through the office, down the hall, into the elevator, etc? i can sort of relate. i broke yesterday into small chunks of time that i could manage; an hour here, a few hours there, a pill here, a nap there, maybe a shower. i made small and stupid goals, one a time and tried not to think any further than i had to, and it seemed to work. my body still feels weird and shakey, but today i'm finding i can sit still through a whole movie, i can think some things all the way through instead of thinking about five million things all at once, and i can focus for more than ten minutes at a time. the truth is, the medication won't kick in all the way for about a week or so, but the difference between today and friday is huge. for one thing, i haven't cried all day. the last two weeks found me crying at least once a day (usually about nothing specific), and the last month or so i've been bursting into tears at random times. this freaked me out because i am a not a big crier, but i couldn't stop it once it started. my mom kept saying to me, "stop with the crying! you can cry when i start acting like a jerk, don't cry because i want to send you money. this is good stuff i'm telling you."

the counselor they sent me to on friday was horrible. she was wearing sandals without socks and had these awful raggedy toenails, and i was sitting there trying to explain how my skin hurt and i wanted to crawl out of it and she was recommending some herbal tea. tea is great, i love tea, but all i could do was look at her awful toenails, scratch at my arms, and finally ask, "so you can't prescribe anything, right?" i felt like such a drug-seeking loser right then, but i needed something to help me sleep, something to get me evened out, so that things like herbal tea, relaxation tapes and yoga don't seem to laughable. half an hour into our little meeting i just flat out said, "look, i need to see a doctor. can i write you a check?" i went to the clinic i had been referred to, but they won't see me until the 25th of july. at that moment i had a mini-internal breakdown, looked blankly at this nice guy all tattooed sitting behind a very tall desk and said, "25th? really?" i took the appointment, because i didn't know what to do and thought maybe later this month it will come in handy. i got into my car, cried for a while, then called the agency i worked with in the beginning. i explained that i had been sent to a counselor who was not a doctor, that i didn't know she couldn't help me, that i tried to get an appointment at the place they referred me to but that they won't see me until much later this month, and i'm sorry i'm crying but i feel really crazy and i think i need to see a doctor. this lady, she was a genius. she told me to go to an urgent care clinic, explain that i needed someone to get me on something, and take it from there.

if someone had told me this about a week ago, i would have been thrilled.

the doctor i finally saw was sort of a condescending prick who said to me, "maybe we shouldn't have gone off the meds, should we?" but i could have cared less because he was writing things down on a blue notepad. when he asked me how i was and i told him i was okay he said, "no you aren't okay, or else you wouldn't be here." he was a smart-ass, but i wanted to hug him anyway. the script he wrote was weird though, lots of tranquilizers all at once, ssri's in small groups of five. the ssri's aren't the fun pills, so i'm confused why he was so stingy with them.

i don't know what i'll do the next month. go back to the urgent care clinic when my prescription is up, or go to the other clinic. i still can't think past a few hours here and there, but i feel more like myself every moment. there's a twilight zone marathon on the scifi channel, and i'm knitting a baby blanket and feeling like tomorrow might not be horrible. i'm not looking forward to going back to work, but i think i'll be better at it than i have been for a long time. baby steps.

things i like

1. patrick warburton. that man is in more cartoons than i can shake a stick at. he's in the venture brothers, the x's (a cartoon i just discovered this morning), family guy, kim possible, and he was david puddy on seinfeld. i can't get enough of him.
   
2. toast. specifically sourdough toast. it's kind of all i can eat right now (outside of yogurt, which i'm sick of), since my stomach is sort of upset.
   
3. this movie. found over on pharyngula.
   
4. falling back asleep this morning. i had a little help from some ativan, but i feel better now having gotten some more sleep. the doctor told me the ativan would make me feel "blissed out" but i think he underestimated how spun up i was, since all it does for me it take the edge off. if i'm lucky it makes me sleepy. i'm okay with this. if it was that good, i'd be sad when the pills ran out.
   
5. having two whole days to myself to rest and goof off.
   
6. knowing the strangers with candy movie is coming out soon.
   

i was up at 5:30!

because i went to sleep all by myself, but i did go down at 11 so maybe being up this early isn't so bad. i'm going to just let my body do what it wants the next couple of days because 1) it's getting used to some new medication and 2) i have the next two days in a row off so whatever.

i got a nice email this morning and didn't cry, so i think i'm moving in the right direction.

i wonder if there's anything good on tv this early in the morning?