i was doing so well this year!

with the blogging, i mean. i'd been writing pretty consistently for a few months, but obviously i slacked a bit lately. 

i'm still working on the on-line business stuff.  making pouches, making plans for going to some markets/fairs later this year.  a lady i work with is doing some fundraising for race for the cure, and i donated a pouch because i figured it's both good karma and some advertising.  i need to make up some more stuff for my shop and then i might do some search ads on etsy for a week or two and see what happens.  i put a widget in my sidebar, if you are interested!

at the end of february, vincent wandered off.  it's been exactly a month since we saw him last, and i don't know what to say.  while i was out looking for him one afternoon a neighbor helpfully said, "yeah, cats don't do well outside here."  thanks, friend, why couldn't you have mentioned that sooner? he wasn't even a year old! we've looked in shelters and donated money (because seriously, good karma must come in handy sometime, right?!), been all over and around the neighborhood, and no sign of our sweet boy.  since then, tali's become much more friendly.  before, he was always a nice enough gato, but kind of aloof. he didn't cuddle much, and he spoke so rarely that it was always squeaky and funny like he had a frog in his throat. now he sleeps with me almost every night, talks up a storm, and demands lots of pets and cuddles.  this is him in his gato basket in the nook. he patiently naps while i sew, and gets up on occasion to jump on the table and demand some belly rubs.  i had always liked tali, but i'm pretty smitten with the boy now. needless to say, he is not allowed at night anymore. he also doesn't seem to want to go out as often anymore, or as far. i can't keep him inside all the time, that genie is out of the bottle, but i know that larger predatory animals prefer dusk and darkness, so he gets the lockdown during those times.  i feel like the world's worst cat mom for letting vincent out, even though he was usually only out for a bit and came right back. i miss my boy.
that got sad, sorry. you'll be pleased to know the nook is still tidy and in working condition. i finished the mystery quilt and it's totally amazing and i love it. the kids and are i going to the emerald city comicon this weekend (squeee!).  i'm still employed. my sister found out she's having a girl (so new niece on the way!).  it's not all sad around here, but i admit that this month had it's share of no bueno news.    

the nook

BEHOLD! before....

and after!!!

i love the nook, but it had become something of a hot mess.  the shower rod i was using as a curtain rod wouldn't stay up. i was doing a bunch of sewing in the downstairs den because i wanted to use the big table.  the nook became a good spot to dump things, but not to work in.

today i spent a lot of time (four podcasts of wiretap long time, plus some this american life) moving things around, throwing things away, vacuuming and making the nook into a working space again.

it's not the greatest set up right now; i wish i had a better storage solution for my fabric, and there are still boxes of craft stuff that i should sort through.  however, it's miles better than it was, and three grocery sized bags of garbage came out of this.

i dropped my stuff off at the lucky dumpster this weekend! i am officially artist #86 on the roster now.  the gentleman that owns the store is wonderful, and suggested i start selling them at a higher price than i thought might sell because moving down to a lower price is easier than raising the price of a thing. which is fair and good advice.  he said it might take a bit longer to find the right price, but when i do, it will the highest price, not too low.  D came with me too, and he really liked the store and the owner.  i came home and ordered some fancy woven labels to mark my stuff with, and felt good about myself. 

modern love

my therapist works in downtown mt. vernon, right around the corner from the cutest little quilting shop.  i hadn't been in there in years probably when a few weeks ago i popped in after an exceptionally good session to treat myself.

i normally do not get acknowledged at quilt shops. usually there is a nice looking older lady behind the counter, or at the back of the shop, who gives me a cursory look over and goes back to what they're doing.  i know i wear too much black. i know that i'm too old for ridiculous t-shirts. i know that with my round face i look younger than i am.  it doesn't bug me unless they're rude or outright ignore me if i ask for help.  however, two weeks ago i walked into this quilt shop and the lady behind the counter was awesome! she was friendly and excited and asked me questions about what kind of fabric i like, and we had a great talk.  i felt comfortable. i showed her what i was looking at and she found other stuff i might like. she asked what i was making and i showed her the little patchwork bags.

at one point she said to me, "you look very modern, do you only make modern quilts?" i said no, i like to make all kinds of quilts.  i did admit that modern quilts are pretty fun, though.  it made me giggle later that she called me modern because i think she thought that because i was wearing a lot of black and stripes.

tonight i went back in and she was there and i was so excited to see her! she showed me some new neat things, and then said, "you know, you inspired me to make a modern quilt last week.  i even blogged about it, about how you came in and you seemed so modern and had that hair, and i had to make something."  how fucking nice is that?! like, she made a thing because i made her think of a thing.  i was blown away.  she works mainly on thursdays, and guess what? she's totally got a customer for life now.  quilters unite!!!

my good news this week was that the lucky dumpster, one of my favorite stores ever (you know that, i mention it all the time), is going to sell my bags on consignment!  i sent them an email weeks ago, and didn't hear back and thought, "well, at least i put myself out there." which i'm still kind of proud of.  but i'm also really excited to make a thing that will be sold in a shop that i think is amazing, run by amazing artists, and in a very special part of the skagit valley.  oh, who am i kidding? i'm crazy about all of the valley.  if i can't live on the island, this is where i want to be.

selfie madness!

i got a haircut today after work and it was rad.  there is nothing like the feel of freshly cut hair! yes, it's pretty much the same hair i've rocked for a while now, but what can i say? i like myself with bangs. i also like long hair, even though i don't do much with it.  my hairdresser is also one of my favorite bartenders, and it was great to catch up and let her pamper me a bit.  honestly, my favorite part of any haircut is the hair brushing and shampooing part.  i am a super sucker for hair-touching.

when i got home from my awesome new haircut, i put on some makeup and took some photos! i like the idea of selfies as self-love. it's nice to remind myself that i can be cute! 

work is seriously stressing me out, which is hilarious because work has been seriously stressing me out for a while now. i can't decide if this stress is going to be worth it in the long run, in working on my "career*" or if it's just going to grind me down into a semi-nutritive paste to be consumed by The Man.  ugh. work has always been a means to an end, and the end was always just paying rent and having money for goofing off and travel and time to do the things i really love doing.  work as a product in and of itself is kind of foreign to me. i also struggle with how much of my time and energy and emotion i put into work, when i'm not sure that what i'm doing is of particular importance.  life is short, and i'll be dead, and who will really care if i adjusted some insurance claims? i feel like what's honestly important is to spend time with the people i love, keep myself and them happy, create art of any and all kinds.  write and draw and paint and sew and knit, read books and listen to music, support other artists and craftsmen, go out and have new experiences: that's what's important.  i do less of that when i'm stressed out about work deadlines and how there are not enough people to handle the work load, and how there's so much freaking pressure to have the right answer, right away. 

to try to work with my stress, instead of fighting against it, i'm taking time every day to write in a paper journal about how i feel, and jot down my dreams after i wake up. i find the act of just writing for a bit every day, just to write, is good for me.  i help clear my brain out, and makes it easier to sleep.  i'm trying to be kind toward myself, and not hold myself up to exceeding high standards.  i'm trying to be flexible and open and sometimes just work instead of worrying that i'm wasting my life on a job instead of being the next lynda barry or aline kominsky crumb, or any of the other artists i admire so much.  even if i had all the time in the world to devote to "higher" callings, i'd still find something to worry and fret about.  grass is always greener, and all that jazz. 

*i can't use that term with a straight face yet. i know it's ridiculous to be 36 and feel so strange about the trappings of what i think of as adulthood.  i'm deeply uncomfortable with the notion that i am actually a grown-up. the kids, the husband, the mortgage, the job...i often feel like i'm play-acting.  is that because i'm spoiled and terrible and lazy? is it just me being neurotic? at the same time, i'm kind of proud of being the adult i am, and feel like focusing on career goals is the right thing to do right now. i feel like it's time. it's also challenging for me, which is good.  i need something tough to push me out of my comfort zone.  

unscented

i used to loooooove perfume and all things scented. i used to have (and still do!) a giant perfume collection. a few years ago, though, i started becoming really sensitive to scented things.  i'd wear a perfume i had always loved, and found myself sneezing all day and ending up with a headache.  the boychik and D are also super sensitive to scents, and when i moved in with them, i had to start using unscented laundry soap and couldn't burn any scented candles. i don't know if my sensitivity to scented things came after that because i wasn't exposed to them as much, or if it would have happened anyway. it bums me out, though, because i still think a nice perfume is awesome, but i can hardly wear them. 

i dyed my hair today (which i haven't done in forever) because i'm not super fond of my grey hairs, and the smell of the dye is killing me.  ugh.  i used to love dying my hair! while i am enjoying less grey hairs and all the shine, i know for a fact that this will end up with my taking something for a headache. 

i also made a new thing with my stripe scraps!  a cuff bracelet!

one of the awesome things about my new machine is the decorative stitches.  i love this little kite tail design.

it's a simple little thing, but i think it turned out cute.

things at work are becoming stranger and more stressful, with two people leaving my department and the work of five suddenly being handled by three.  i had a good talk with my therapist about it the other day, though, and i decided that while it's okay to be stressed out, it's important that i try to go with the flow and try not to thing of too many "what if" scenarios. 

all the sewing and making stuff is also helpful.  i sold a few bags last week and it felt so good to have someone like what i made.  it's not like money is the epitome of value, but to have someone say, "i appreciate the time and work that went into this, let me trade you money for this" is still pretty satisfying.  plus, it's so much less stressful than my day job.  my plan right now is to keep making things, updating my etsy store, and try to keep a stash of stuff for selling this summer.  i'd like to do a farmer's market or two, or a craft show this year. nothing crazy, but get out there with my work. 

i did not sew anything today

and that felt very, very strange.  it's become definitely something i do when i come home, after i get cozy and get my pjs and headband going. 

instead of sewing, tonight the girlchild and i went out for my niece's birthday part.  she's eight.  i can hardly believe it! part of me is sad she's not my baby anymore, but part of me loves having conversations with her about things, and hearing all her ideas and thoughts, and seeing her grow into her own person. she's very curious, loving, funny and bright.  i like she makes art and is creative and goofy.  i like that she is still small enough to crawl into my lap and tell me secrets. i'm feeling all sentimental and mushy about it right now.  i'm feeling very fortunate that she's in my life. 

bigger pouches!

this one turned out nicer than the last one because i used my zipper foot.  however, i'll be the first to admit my zipper skills are not the best. still kinda pinchy on one side.  but still, there is something that feels really good about sewing strips together and then making them into something else. 

testing, testing, 1, 2, 3

a couple of weeks ago i applied to be a test quilter for sherri lynn wood's upcoming book, but didn't really think i'd be chosen.  my quilting skills are okay, but i definitely need to work on a few things (like binding) and color theory.  i was suprised to get the email telling me i'd been picked!  super happy surprised.  i can't tell you anything about the quilt pattern i'm working on, until the book is published, but i can admit i used this as a good excuse to go buy some fabric. kona solids are awesome, and i've been wanting to incorporate more solid colors into my work, and they were on sale. in fact, stopping at joann's yesterday was a great idea because it was the last day of this amazing sale that had all quilting stuff 1/2 off.  i got a big hoop for hand quilting, some tailor's chalk, and a fancy thimble, along with this fabric, for much less than i should have.  hooray!

rainy saturday craft

today is a lousy, dark, windy, rainy mess of a day. i took a shower, but i will not put on a bra! i've spent the day inside, crafting and listening to music and feeding my cats treats.  best use of a saturday, really.  i made a thing that is cute though, so i'm going to show you what it is and how to do it yourself!

Birdie Bunting

(or any kind of pretty paper bunting)

what you will need: paper, scissors, thread, tape, tiny hole punch (or awl or sharp needle).  i used a bird-a-day calendar the girlchild got me last year for xmas. it was just too pretty to toss!  i also used a teeny hole punch rather than an awl to punch holes in the paper, and perle cotton thread and a needle for stringing. 

i have a punch that cuts out 1 and a quarter inch circles that came with my button maker. i love this thing. it's heavy duty and works like a charm. if you do not have one of these, no biggie! pick something circular to use as your template, and just trace around the images you want and cut out with scissors. they also make large circular paper punchers for scrapbooking that you could use. OR you could use some other cute shape. i used circles because i could. 

if you are lucky enough to have a kitten helper, then you are awesome. i put the circles i punched out in a crock that was nearby, and tali had a good time sorting through them. 

 

i tried a few different way of stringing the circles on some scrap paper.  there are probably a bunch of ways to do it, but i liked the string through the back, on the top of the picture. 

to hold the circles where i wanted them, i used a teensy bit of washi tape. you can use any tape or glue you want! did i need to use washi tape? no. you aren't really supposed to see the back, after all. i used it because it was cute, dammit.  i like cute. 

after i strung up all my sweet birdies, i hung is like this! (the picture above is a great print of a watercolor painting of my hometown's main street {coupeville represent!} that my aunt got me for my wedding anniversary.  she's the best.)

and a close up of the birdie faces.  this isn't even a whole month's worth of birds cut out, so i have a feeling i will be making more of these.  i'll probably send some to friends, and then festoon my house with cheerful bird friends. 

bowie be!

vicente! surprised!

it's david bowie's birthday!  so i'm listening to his albums (thanks to youtube, i can listen to the ones i don't own, like a jerk), singing along, and having a cocktail made of glitter of sass in his honor.  wait, did i say glitter and sass? i mean rum and pepsi. 

one of my tumblr idols (i have them! they are real!) got a fucking david bowie tattoo today.  she's a swoon-worthy gorgon on an ordinary day, but today she is my hero.  i immediately thought, "ooh, i could get a scary monster's era pierrot bowie tattoo!" i love all bowie's, don't get me wrong, but the sad pierrot made an impact on my psyche as a kid.  david bowie was my first crush as a kid, my first foray into tingle-town as a girl.  (too much?) he was so pretty and interesting and his songs were amazing and he had a million different versions of himself. 

as a grown woman, my love of him has only increased.  he truly is talented and funny and smart and the handsome just never ends, does it? plus, he's not afraid to try new things, to wear the outrageous, to mine our uncomfortable emotional and social depths for art.  he's remarkable.  he still makes me tingle.   

the steri-strips on my incision came off in the shower this morning.  what's underneath is a lumpy, grumpy scar.  i let it out to breathe today, but have it covered with a gauze right now because D was like, "um, that looks angry. maybe cover it up to protect it?"  i bothered my nurse sister-in-law (i have two of those, because i'm the luckiest little hypochondriac i know) about how much it still hurt today.  she pointed out, nicely enough, that a week really isn't that long, and that incision sites are often uncomfortable. i'm also a lot less numb, which is increasing my pain.  so yay! i can feel my face again, but boo! my face feels terrible and achy. 

go hit up youtube and listen to some david bowie.  have a blessed bowie birthday, and may bowie protect and keep you and yours. 

what the blog?

this is what happens when you let a drunk amanda shop on the internet.  new year's eve, evidently i bid on some jewelry on ebay! i won some too.  this is only one of two new pieces.  i don't know if i should be chagrined, or stoked that drunk me has excellent taste. 

my doctor called today and my lump is benign! no cancer! just a weird lymph node and an overactive imagination.  well, that's not entirely fair.  when you have a parent who had a form of lymphatic cancer, it's okay to be a bit more cautious.  i'm still very sore from the surgery (i think because i have to talk at work), but relieved that it wasn't something serious. 

i had a dream last night where the girlchild was driving the boychik and i around.  it was awesome to not be the one driving.  i told her tonight that i'm seriously looking forward to her getting a license and then carting me around everywhere. 

stashing fabric

i probably shouldn't have as much fabric as i do, but these flannels were on sale, and my sister is pregnant...so i used that as an excuse to buy these.  the food flannel on the right will become a blanket with the green on the left.  the middle fabrics will likely become burp cloths.  it's all in the washer now, so i can play with it soon! i might need to take a nap first, though.  i left the house today and am now exhausted. 

how is this cat not internet famous?

made a pompom. sprinkled it with catnip. watched tali destroy it.  it was a fun few moments while it lasted! he's sleeping it off now. 

best-of lists

given my propensity for lists, i'm always surprised i don't make more of them.  well, i'm surprised i don't blog more of them, if you want me to be honest*.  i wanted to make a best-of 2013 list but not rank my best-of's.  i'm just going to list the cool things that happened this year that i enjoyed, and tell you why. 

•   my niece and her boyfriend and their beautiful baby boy moved to town! meaning, now they are 30 mins away, not states away.  being able to hang out with them and meet the newest member of the family has been wonderful. (marrying D and getting to be a part of his family has brought people into my life that are so awesome.) 
• my mom got her first tattoo.  because she's badass.  for xmas, i gave her a tattoo gift certificate because i'd like to encourage this kind of behavior.  
• my nephew calvin decided i was okay and now hugs me and gives me the tiny pats on the back.  he cuddles up to me and gives kisses, and it kills me. 
• i got to take a whole weekend away with my best friend, with no kidlets or hubbies.  i love our kids, i love our husbands, but what a great, relaxing vacation we had.  three days! sleeping in late! talking! watching movies on cable tv.  i think it was really good for me, and i'm totally planning on doing it again.
• my sister got knocked up again! i am pretty stoked about this. next summer, new baby times for us.  
• she also got engaged, and is so happy to be planning a wedding. it feels great to know she gets to have a wedding and is having so much fun planning it.  i didn't get it before i had my own wedding, but just the whole ceremony of it feels really good, and i'm glad she gets to do it.  plus, i get to buy a fancy dress.  
• it's bittersweet for me that the boychik moved out, but he seems happy and healthy and still lets me make him the occasional sandwich and pester him via text message.  i feel like this is good for him, even if it is hard for me.  
• the girlchild is definitely growing up and into herself.  i've enjoyed the one-on-one time we've had this year together, and while D thinks sometime i'm overbearing and opinionated (because let's face it, i am not shy with opinions), i feel like we're constantly getting to know each other better.  she's done amazing things with art and fashion and creating stuff, and i have this amazing, built-in partner to take field trips with. i am loving it.
• kittens!!! i miss my LuLu all the time, don't misunderstand, but the brothers butthole (which is what we call the two of them; like the brothers karamazov!) are amazing gatos in their own right.  tali and vince are fun, cuddly, irritating and delightful. i hate having to clean two litter boxes, especially when they are capable of pooping anywhere in the great outdoors, but i love those jerks.  
• i have a lot to say about my husband, for sure, but i can boil it down to this: there is no one in the world i think loves me or cares about me the way he does. he's honestly on my side, and backs me up in everything. he's also kind of pushy, and wants me to do more, expects good things from me. i had no idea this is what marriage could be like. plus, cute butt.   

yeah, it's a sappy list. maybe it's the medication. maybe it's the moon. i know i feel like 2013 had a lot of good things in it, and most of those things i owe to my loved ones.  i feel good about 2014.

*i have blogged an awful lot lately.  now i'm up because vicodin is one of those things that doesn't make me sleepy, but instead makes me want to do stuff.  how do you think i could explain this glorious feeling to my shrink and not have her think i was just nuts about drugs? ugh.

2013 to 2014

champagne with frozen pineapple

 new year's eve was delightful. i drank too much "champagne," meaning i drank too much barefoot bubbly.  i love their sparkling pinot gris. i especially love it with frozen pineapple. it becomes insanely cold, and then you have sweet chunks of fruit to eat at the end.  it's a win win WIN.  my husband made this insane-o spread of nibbles, that included chips and dips, a giant crudité tray, fresh ceviche and salsa, cheese and crackers, salami and paté.  it was amazing. 

last selfie of 2013 in a ridiculous sweater

 i wore this ridiculous sweater i found at forever 21 with the girlchild.  boxy sweaters are a fat-girl's friend at places like forever 21! (this forever 21 doesn't carry the plus line, but they should.)  i blurred the bottom of the photo out because there is an awful lot of toothpaste on my bathroom mirror. 

crazy quilting in action

 i started working on a crazy quilt top for a pillow i've had laying around.  i've really been enjoying my new sewing machine.  i have a few projects that i'm hoping to finish this year that i started last year, or even back in 2012.  hooray for long-lasting projects!

my first big thing of 2014 was that i had my very first surgery today.  i think getting to 36 without going under any knife is pretty good, don't you think?  i mean, i had my wisdom teeth taken out, but this was a real, operating room surgery.  about two months ago i noticed a hard lump on my neck, about the size and shape of an olive pit.  it was weird and it stuck out and it made me nervous. a visit to the doctor and an ultrasound confirmed it was a rogue lymph node.  now, since my dad had lymphoma, i'm kind of cautious with my own nodes.  the doctor's thought this was pretty reasonable. we watched it for a bit, then i had to decide if i would have a biopsy or just have it removed.  the node was only about a centimeter and a half long; a biopsy might not have gotten enough tissue. plus, i'd still have the weird lump on my neck that made me self-conscious.  removing it seemed like a better idea, as we'd know then exactly what it was, and either way, no lump on me. 

i've included a photo after the jump, which is just a bit of bloody steri-strip. you can skip it if you want!

oh, hi!

i have been bad about blogging.  which is okay.  i think it's like any hobby, with peaks and valleys.  i wanted to make sure i caught up on some stuff though, before the new year begins.

 i got a new sewing machine for my birthday! hooray!  i've been making little zippered pouches and practicing my quilting on oven mitts.  although to be honest, i have yet to make an oven mitt that has worked.  all the mistakes have been pretty illuminating, though, and at some point i will make an oven mitt that is both cute and useful.  someday.  sigh.

 

the boys are now a little over eight months old. not quite grown up cats, but still pretty kitten-ish.  they are GIANT.  here is vince in a tote bag.  that face! they both love hiding in bags, boxes, and on top of clean laundry.  what cat doesn't?

i made some tie-dyed tote bags for xmas presents this year.  i love tie-dye.  the hippie part of me is still very active, i guess. 

i was talking the other day of creating a place to store and display my ever-growing collection of tote bags.  my thought was to put it right behind the door of my bedroom, but D said it would be pretty cool in the space by the entryway.  we live in a split-level, so when you walk in, there's a lot of wall space right there.  currently i've been adding photos to one area, which has filled a small area.  the tote bags would look great there, though, and fill the area better.  i'm excited about working on that project.

i think 2014 will see a lot more home improvement projects around here.  we had an issue with a broken pipe out in the driveway (which we were lucky enough to be able to fix ourselves!), which made us think about what we have saved up, what things needs to be done around the house, and make a plan.  first we need a new oven (boooooo), so that will go on layaway at sears.  then i want to finish our bedroom (paint it and lower the bed a bit, maybe make a headboard), and work on the entryway.  we have an honest-to-goodness spare bedroom now too, and we're going to try our hand at laying down laminate and put up some bookshelves.  we've decided it will be a good room to practice in.  when it's done, it will be a room full of books and where we can do yoga and meditate. a nice, quiet spot, as well as a good place for guests to stay. 

the holidays were great, the kids are doing well, and i'm trying to spend less time on the internet and more time doing other stuff.  which makes for boring blogging!  i put a lot of random things over on tumblr, though, if you want to check that out.  i hope your holiday was great, and that 2014 treats you well! 

all bowls should be made of bread

the boys in their basket

yesterday my big plan was to lay around the house and read, and take naps.  pretty ambitious for a saturday, i admit, but i was feeling pretty good about it.  then my mom called and invited the girlchild and i out to lunch with my aunt and nephew! so i got dressed, we went to anacortes, and had a lovely lunch at anthony's.  not to put too fine a point on it: but i don't know of any better way to eat clam chowder than out of a sourdough bread bowl.  my nephew ate his body weight in tartar sauce, and we all had a lovely time. 

today i'm feeling a little more motivated, and might do laundry and some sewing.  i also got a new bike! i want to take her out for a spin as well.  the boychik has a friend who is moving, and was selling her bike.  he bought it, thinking he would clean it up and sell it on craigslist, but it fit me and i talked him out of it.  hooray!  it's red, it has gears (i haven't had a bike with gears since high school, and even then i had no idea what to do with them), and is just the right size.  since my bike was stolen a few years ago, i've missed riding around after work.  i might even take to riding to work a day or two a week, to save on gas and such. (although to be honest, that makes me kind of anxious because i have to cross a busy highway and am convinced that i will get smooshed.) 

knee jerk response

this is my senior homecoming, 1994 that dress was $7

 ever since the boychik got me all worked up into a frenzy, he's been an absolute doll.  aaaargh.  D thinks that maybe he's picking fights with me so that i won't ask him "real" questions about him moving out or his new girlfriend, or whatever.  i told him that i'm going to choose to think that he's pushing my buttons because i'm his parent and he loves me.  "kids do that, right?" i asked, "it's like a thing they do to see where your boundaries are?" in short; he's treating me like a parent, so i'm going to focus on that.

the girlchild got asked to homecoming.  i don't know why i wasn't prepared for it; she's really, honestly a lovely girl. getting taller and prettier by the day, much to her father's chagrin.  no, that's not quite true. we're both digging watching her grow into her face, and agree that she's more than just pretty, she's also very down-to-earth and funny and kind.  i should have been anticipating that she would be asked, because she's not a 14 year old girl who is afraid of boys.  having spent most of her life with her brother and dad only, she understands boys. there's no mystery, no angst or anxiety about hanging out with them.  she tends to bowl all the boys over with her mix of adorableness and fart jokes.

she got into the truck friday afternoon with a pink rose.  i asked her where she got it and she told me she'd been asked.  i won't lie, i squealed a little.  she said, "yeah, i guess i have to go now." i said, "no you don't, you go if you want to, not because you think you have to. don't do something just because a boy wants you to." she gave me a sidelong glance and giggled and said, "you know i want to go, i'm just giving you a hard time."  i told her that i was excited for her, but still full of feminist agenda.  "i know, amanda."  

we went dress shopping this weekend, and for all my feminist agenda, i had a few knee jerk reactions to the dresses she tried on.  too short! too tight! oh my god, you have a butt hiding under there! no, no, something more shapeless!  none of these things i said out loud, however.  i don't want her to be ashamed or feel weird about her body, and i don't think it's her job to be all prim and proper so boys won't get ideas, as i could put her in a burlap sack and they'd get ideas.  she ended up with a stretchy black dress with one strap, no sequins ("they itch!"), and when she puts it on and pulls her hair up it's kind of audrey hepburn.  all long neck, legs and arms.  she looks 16 when she puts it on, not 24, thank god.  it gave D a heart attack, but who can blame him?  that's his baby.

i'm glad she wanted to go dress shopping with me, though. she made me a little crazy at first, but i realized later it's because we both hate malls (THANK GOD) and she was anxious because she didn't know what size she was, what to expect of the dresses, etc.  we talked about the boy she's going with (he runs cross country with her, he's a sophomore, "really nice"), who else was going, what people have been saying about the dance.  she's obviously excited. i always had fun at proms and homecomings, so i'm excited for her too.  i told her i'd pull out some old photos so i could show her my ridiculous dresses. like the one above; bought for $7 at the thrift store, all velvet and 1970's.  that was my friend jonathan, who i probably should have made out with, but i didn't think he liked me.  we had a great time that night; jonathan was totally into wearing something 1970s (down to the buster browns!), we went to the city for the day and then stayed up all night. i think i got home at 6 in the morning.  we had a lot of fun.  i hope she does too (but i'll probably ask her to come home sooner).

in which i rage against the teenaged machine

aaaargh, i'm all frothy and full of rage right now because the boychik and i were talking about his job and how they might go on strike and he was like, "whatever, if they do that i'll just see if my boss will bump me up and i'll take so-and-so's job."

i was stunned.  i said, "seriously? you'd be a scab?" and he shrugged and repeated his "whatever." "you know, these are people you work with. when the strike is over, they get to come back to work. then they'll work with you and know you're a scab who doesn't give a shit about them."  again, nothing but a shrug. 

i kind of lost my cool.  which i guess happens, but the end of our conversation was me saying, "it must be nice to not give a shit about anyone else. you're an asshole." 

i hate this part of youth. this i-know-everything attitude and the idea that the very earth revolves around you.  he's worried about not working for a few days, and he's got over $5,000.00 in the bank.  he's moving into a house where he'll have to spend $200 a month in rent.  he's got fucking amazing health insurance because I PAY FOR IT.  he doesn't do chores, he doesn't tell us where he is, he spend as much as he can criticizing us and eating our food, and yet...i'm torn between knowing i'll miss the fucker when he moves and glad i won't have to hear him skulking around. 

he really just had no idea or regard for anyone else.  he's a happy white kid who's just charming enough to be dangerous, and handsome to boot.  why should he give a fuck about anyone else? the middle aged women he works with who have families and debt and no one else to look out for them.  the grown-up working at a grocery store to take care of their kids, who want a fair wage and health insurance that isn't shit.  i want to cry when i think about his blase attitude.  yeah, his mom is a fucking mess who bailed, and there were parts of his childhood that were less than ideal, but the world doesn't owe him anything. 

i know i shouldn't let it bother me, and i'm sure my therapist would have some tips for not thinking about this, or some words of wisdom about letting him learn his own hard lessons, but i feel so terrible.  this is a kid i'm at least somewhat responsible for, that i love, that i'm unleashing into the world with a chip on his shoulder and an alarming lack of care for anyone but himself. he's a selfish jerk. and i'm an asshole for pointing it out.  

is it just me?

or do other people feel guilty when they come home, eat dinner, goof off on the computer/tv/netflix and then go to bed? i struggle with wanting to just relax when i get home, sometimes do nothing, but feel guilty if i'm not "working" on something.

i always put "working" in quotes when i talk about being at home and working on projects.  knitting, sewing, quilting, painting, drawing, whatever; it's "work." it's what i actually really like doing, not my job.  i call it work because it's important to me, even though it does not pay the bills.

at the same time, i spend huge amounts daily devoted to thinking and working at my job, and so why shouldn't i just chill out after work? or on the weekends? yesterday i did nothing but read and watch tv and it felt great, but i felt guilty at the same time.  where does this guilt come from? i was a terrible catholic, so i don't get it.  my therapist says that i need to try to be nicer to myself, and also more honest about my feelings.  it's a drag, but it is kind of helping. 

there just isn't enough time, and i think at the heart of it all is that i feel bad not trying to do all of the things i love, every day.  thinking and working at my job are one thing, but coming home and  "working," making something from nothing, creating, is what actually makes me feel good. i need my paycheck, but i'd probably go nuts just coming home and having nothing else to do.

today i started and actually finished a quilt top.  getting set up for the sewing and doing the cutting and pressing always takes the most time. it looks like i'm just poking around for hours, then suddenly! boom! quilt top! 

as usual, i did not use a pattern, just kind of made it up as i went along.  i might try pinning it all together tonight, or doing that later this week.  we'll see!  normally i try not to make baby quilts too pink or blue, but this flowered fabric has been staring at me for years, and a friend of mine just had a baby girl.  i think it will be perfect for her.