thinking about spring

today D and i got to spend some time goofing off and wandering around town together, going to hardware stores and grocery stores, making plans for home improvements and gardening in the spring.  earlier this year we got this beautiful catalog from baker creek seeds, and we've been looking through it and reading books about backyard gardens.  well, to be honest, i've been reading the books, D already knows how to garden. he grew up on a working farm, so in some ways gardening is a lot less romantic for him than it is for me.  our plan, lofty as it is, is to start kind of small this year; a simple square foot garden, basic veggies, figuring out how good or terrible our soil is and whether or not i have a black thumb.  eventually, we'd like to be able to turn much of our front and back yard into edible landscape.  we've been making an effort this year to eat greener, more locally, and incorporate way more veggies into our diet.  being able to grow our own food is kind of a natural extension of that, i think.  that isn't to say that i'm going to go full-time hippie mama, i just think it makes sense to use the land we are fortunate enough to have to do something other than grow grass.  gardens used to be an important part of home life, and now many people can't even tell you when fruits and veggies are in season.  we eat bananas that have giant carbon footprints and tomatoes that have no taste.  i'm not saying that i'm never going to eat another tropical fruit or enjoy the occasional hamburger, but i think those should be special occasion things.

in any case, i'm excited about trying my hand at growing stuff, we have a million ideas for the back and side yard (we're going to encroach on the front yard slowly to acclimate the neighbors), and i think so far i've actually been pragmatic about all this.  i bought very few veggie seeds; i don't know how good i'll be at starting plants from seeds, and am more than okay with building the beds and then using starts for most everything. i haven't bought anything too crazy yet (although i did splurge on chinese long beans and tiny, thai eggplant), and i understand that there's a good chance i won't grow a lot of things well, if at all.  i'm excited about trying, though.  i love that i have a house that give me the opportunity to try this. i love that my husband is as gung-ho about it as i am. hanging out with him today, making lists and plans and schematics was a blast.  even if i end up growing some sad lettuce and sickly beans, i know i'll have fun, and will learn enough to make next year's garden better. 

how can you not love this face?

moreover, how could not love this voice? meet my latest secret jewish boyfriend, eugene mirman.  in the immortal words of troy mcClure, you may know him from his work on bob's burgers (he's the voice of gene), delocated, or from his stand up.  if you know him from any of that, you know he's funny, and for your friend amanda, that's usually all it takes to become my secret jewish boyfriend.  (well, that and you have to be one of the chosen people.) check out the video below, and tell me you don't find him both adorable and hilarious.

Jokes.com
Eugene Mirman - Accept Me as Your God
comedians.comedycentral.com
Eugene Mirman Comedians Stand-Up

hee hee heee!

being poor the day before payday

is always the worst, isn't it? you think about stuff you need to do, look over the grocery list (toilet paper, ramen, eggs, rice, hot sauce) and realize you can't go buy RAMEN and feel like a total jackass.  all of this is hopefully changing though, since a) i have a new job with new and improved paychecks and b) the husband and i are working on a budget and saving some money.  i've always been kind of carefree (read: moronic) with money, so this will be new.  i sparked my ING savings account back up, set it up for automatic deposits, and have been actively watching my money.  the reason i'm so poor right this second is that i went out with a friend the other night, which i always forget is soooo expensive, even in the not-too-exciting town i live in, and i owed D for the computer we bought the boychik for xmas.  i'm not neglecting-the-children poor, but definitely not-doing-anything-fun poor.

i'm also sick, which is annoying.  i took the day off work because i was so phlemy and my throat hurt, which is lame when you spend all day on the phone.  i slept, read, slept some more, and watched some stand up comedy on netflix, and then slept. i'm awake now which means i'll be up all night. oh, the horror.  maybe i'll take my laptop to bed and see what i can do about that.  (that sounded dirty but i didn't mean it dirty!) the nice thing about being sick is that the cat spends all day with me when i do nothing but lounge supreme.  i kept waking up to her licking me and kneading my blankets.  nothing makes a girl feel better than some serious cat time. oh, and ramen with an egg poached in it.  man, that always hits the spot.   

ask a mortician

have you see this lady?  i love her little videos! i was always a morbid kid, grew into a morose teenager, grew further into a weirdo grown-up and did things like take classes called "death and dying" and became fascinated with stuff like victorian mourning jewelry, real bone china, and cemetery laws.  so yes, i love this. 

watching these videos, reading her blog, makes me want to write a few of my own stories.  i think in general americans don't speak of death enough, we try to avoid talking about it, mentioning it, thinking about it,  and end up totally unprepared for it and devastated when it happens to us.  which is ironic, seeing as it happens to all of us.  it's the only thing we all have in common, besides birth.  why not consider it on occasion?   

things we call the cat

by no means an exhaustive list:

• LuLu
• lulu-bean
• lu-bot
• lulu kitten
• kitten face
• baby cat
• we like to sing this in the style of crazy train, "lulu, lulu, lulu, lulu, ai-ai-aieeee."
• kitten pants
• lu-pants
• oh my lulu, oh my lulu, oh my luuu-lu, lulu pants.

rocking out with youtube

sometimes my little family and i poke around on youtube watching random videos, talking about songs we like, and rocking out in general.  on tonight's playlist so far,

of course, we like to find versions of the song we danced to first at our wedding, and so far this is our favorite,

tonight we were digging on things kind of psychedelic as well, like donovan,

and last, but not least, grace slick looking amazing and kicking ass at woodstock.

god, i want a perm so bad now. 

not such a lazy sunday

things i have already gotten done today; took out the trash, took out the recycling, took out the compost (and mixed in some nice dirt and worms and turned the whole she-bang), mopped the kitchen, vacuumed the stairs, did a load of laundry and ate a slice of pizza.  whew.  to be honest, i'm taking a wee break from all the cleaning and organizing, and if there is a better procrastination tool than blogging, i don't know what it is.  (oh wait, it might be watching cartoons.)

the last two weeks i've done some overtime at work.  nothing too major, adding on about half an hour to forty-five minutes each day, but this week when they offered it i declined it.  i might change my mind half way through the week, we'll see, but my brain feels overloaded lately and i think a regular work week will get me back to feeling normal.  it's not that the job suddenly got harder, it's just that there is so much to learn.  seriously.  i don't think anyone ever gets to the point where they can just quote benefits and deductibles and stoploss like no big deal.  plus, the beginning of the year sees a lot of folks with new plans calling for information, and we have been swamped.  you sit down, log into your phone, and you talk for eight hours straight.  one day i actually talked so much my throat hurt, and had to get a cup of hot tea, like some fancy-pants diva.  i think dialing down the amount of time i'm at work right now is okay, even though i feel a bit guilty not taking the extra money.  i suppose it all evens out, and in the end what i want more than a giant paycheck is to come home and not feel fried.

D and i are tackling the household chores today like gang busters, so i have a feeling tonight after dinner it will be super easy for us to fall asleep.  he hasn't been sleeping too well lately, and i've been trying a new mouth guard for my bruxism, which to be honest, i don't know is working that well.  i'm trying a smaller piece, in the hopes that it won't make me drool as much and feel so uncomfortable around my lips, but the flip side to that is the piece feels smaller, and i think i clench my jaw all night trying to keep it in place.  yeah, i'm not grinding my teeth, but i'm waking up with a sore jaw every day.  i think with our new insurance i'm going to go ahead and have a real mouth guard made at the dentist. i know they cost an arm and a leg, but hopefully it will feel better.

technically, NOT resolutions

at the risk of turning this into a house-blog, here is a list of things i would like to do to my home this year!

• paint my bedroom.  i bought a really lovely, icy shade of pale blue for the walls but have yet to actually paint them.  currently the shade down there is a green like cheap chocolate chip mint ice cream, and while it's not the worst, it's not the best.  
• either buy or create a new duvet cover.  i'm not too girly, but one of the things i've always loved is matching bed clothes.  i like a nicely put together bed, and when i was single, that was easy to achieve because i only bought red or pink stuff for the bed. D has never once complained (or spent much time thinking about) about sheets not matching duvet covers, but i've done my best to get rid of all the pink and move into neutral colors.  plus, pink is grand, but i'm also growing up a little and am digging on a soothing palate in the bedroom.  long story short: we need a new duvet cover and some sheets.
• paint the living room.  the walls turned out to be very barely pink, which we not have noticed had i not used a very cool shade of yellow in the kitchen.  i know that the color "warms" a space up, but i hate it. it's such a trivial thing, really, and we're living with it and i'm not going crazy, but i don't like it and want to change it.  i also want to paint the trim in here and cover up the wood on the sills and fireplace mantle with a bright white.  i want clean, modern backgrounds with which to populate with my crazy colorful stuff. 
• rugs! i want some area rugs. to delineate space as well as protect our carpets.
• that downstairs family room is amazing, but needs to be cleaned, organized, and made livable.  there's so much to do down there that i'm going to leave it at that.
• i'm also going to ask my husband very nicely to make me some built-in bookshelves.  there's some space in the upstairs hallway that's begging to be used!
• outside, i'm looking forward to doing a little gardening. nothing too big or ambitious this year; a nice small bed of veggie will do just fine.  i want to get started though, and see how well the soil does here.

it will be interesting to see if anything on this list gets done this year, and what things not on my list do get done.  overall, as long as the roof doesn't sprout a leak and a giant sinkhole doesn't eat the house, i'll be happy.  (i'll just be happier once the living room walls don't look so geriatric and boring.)

happy new year!

my resolution this year is to not make any resolutions, except for the following: hang around the house more.  2011 was BUSY, you know? we got married, we moved, i got a new job, one of the kids is in their last year of high school and one is making the transition into teen-dom, and all i want for the next year is to relax and spend more time with them.  i want to work on the house a bit, do some painting, get the rest of the boxes either unpacked or set on fire.  this sounds ridiculous and hokey, but i want to make the house more comfortable and cozy, and more "us."  it's already awesome, don't get me wrong, but the family room we never use because it's not very inviting looking, my nook is overwhelmed with stuff, i have a whole lot of clothes i never wear taking up space, etc. isn't there always a laundry list of things you'd like to do in the house?  i would like to work on saving money this year too, but i'm afraid of saying that out loud.  i'm thinking i'll go ahead and get an account at a bank i'll never use, and start socking money away in there.  or something. i have a coffee can that might work as well... 

regardless of resolutions, i had a wonderful 2011, i'm looking forward to a quieter 2012, and am wishing you and yours the very best.  the new year always feel so good, so hopeful, like the first sheet of blank paper in a journal or sketch pad, you know?  i'm going to just enjoy the possibilities, and try to make the most of it. 

the stockings are actually not hung by the chimney with care

but not because i'm a grinch! i'm not sure how to hang them up there without them falling down once full.  i think they'll end up being stockings laid before the chimney with care, if that's okay with you.

the shopping is all done (aside from maybe an eyeliner or two i should buy the girlchild), cookies and festive breads have been baked, all our plans for the next few days have been made and confirmed, and now it's just all about trying to show up on time and vacuuming the living room.  i got a four day weekend, which is exciting, and i spent yesterday napping and goofing off, which felt amazing.  for whatever reason i got a lot of medicare calls this week, and medicare is kind of confusing to everybody. it's a subject that definitely taxes my brain.  

work is going well, though. i feel like i'm getting to a point now where i'm not so overwhelmed that i come home and go to bed early.  i feel more confident about what i'm doing, and have gotten some positive feedback from my bosses.  i had a QC call last week (where they listen to a recording of a call a few times and take notes to give you) that went very well, and the monitor actually told me that she liked how comfortable i sounded on the phone.  "you sound like you've been doing this for a lot longer than you have been."  i always want to reply like jon lovitz on snl, "acting!" honestly, i figure it can't hurt to at least sound like i know what i'm doing, and no one needs to know how new i am.  i feel good at this job; it feels like a place where you're always learning new things, like there are all sorts of opportunities, and like they honestly give a shit about their employees.  it's so refreshing.

i feel like things are going well, both at work and at home.  i love my little house, my little family, and am looking forward to the next few days.  i hope you all have a great holiday, whatever you celebrate, and if i don't get back to you before january, happy new year! 

cubey love

i love my cubicle. i love that it's mine, a little space for me and my phone and my computer, and i love that the company i work for outfits us all with two computer monitors.  you have no idea how much easier that makes my job.  one one screen i have the main program we use to look up information on, and on the other i have all the research tools loaded.  i can go back and forth like no one's business and it's amazing.  the tech geek in me surges with joy when i see those two screens waiting for me in the morning. 

not to sound like i'm already drinking company kool-aid, i also love that my cubicle is surrounded by people with more experience than i have.  i actually had a co-worker come over today to show me something that i missed, and she wasn't a dick about it.  she just overheard me and knew that she could show me a shortcut, and so she came over and did.  when i'm working i can hear what other people are saying, i can look stuff up that i didn't already know, i get a better idea how of how to do things.  the atmosphere at this particular cube farm is seriously friendly, and i wasn't expecting that.  it's just nice.  i know that makes me sound like pollyanna, but it's true.

i do have one teensy, tiny, barely there beef, though. you didn't expect all ponies and sunshine, did you?  you know that trainer i had that was kind of eye-rolly and jerky? the one i was excited about not having to see anymore?  yeah.  they assigned her to my team.  she doesn't work where i have to see or hear her, but still!  i was free, but only for one day.  dammit.

this bed is too soft

man, it's only a little after ten at night and my whole family is asleep.  which is lame because i'm finally adjusted to my new schedule, just had two glasses of wine and want to rock out while baking cookies.  i have to be quiet so they can all sleep, though.  shoot. 

the new job means i don't have to get up crazy early, and this winter i've actually seen some honest-to-goodness real sunlight in the morning and afternoons as a result.  none of the going-to-bed in the dark and waking-up in the dark for me this season; and to be perfectly honest, i have noticed a difference.  i'm clenching my jaw less, moping around less, going out and doing stuff more.  oh sunlight and vitamin D, i suppose this proves i am your slave.  i'm okay with that, as long as you both stick around.  in any case, i like not getting up at zero-dark-thirty, and don't mind working five days a week because a) i don't have to get up crazy early and b) big girl paychecks.  also, we are busy at work; the day flies by and when i leave it, i do honestly leave it behind.  i might take a few moments to be quiet, because i talk to people all day, but that's all. 

a friend at work bought me this adorable zen garden for my desk, along with a mug full of treats.  some sour patch kids, chopsticks, a nail file and this crazy orange polish.  it sounds crazy, but i think i'm too old for neon nail polish (because 34 is like old, man) so i only put it on one nail.  i think that will probably end up looking stranger than just using the polish on all my nails, but it makes me happy.  i like the contrast too, even if it is a bit silly.  one orange, nine grey.  seems reasonable to me.

counting down!

one more shift in the classroom, then it's upstairs to my very own cubicle.  not only will i have my own little space, but this past week i've spent a chunk of my days scooting in and out of my desk to let people in and out to answer questions and OMG i'm tired of moving out of everyone's way.  sitting on the aisle seat in a classroom is balls.  plus, did i mention this classroom has no windows? because it doesn't and that can create a weird time-disconnect.

one of the girls i work with brought me a cute little desktop zen garden today, too, which i can't wait to set up.  i've been looking at mouse pads and wrist rests and bought a new travel mug that can go in the dishwasher.  there are just too many of us all on the phone at once in the classroom to be comfortable for anyone.  i know we're all a bit antsy to get out of there and stretch out a bit.  one more 8 hour shift, then i'm free!  

how may i help you?

today was my first whole day on the phones, answering calls and hunting down information.  yesterday we did half a day, which was enough to fry my brain and leave me slightly retarded and seriously tired.  i have to say, even though i most definitely had a moment (or two) today of sheer frustration, i actually felt pretty chipper when i came home.  i don't know as much as i need to, but i am learning stuff, and only one person today got fussy with me because i didn't know what they wanted me to know.  she got huffy and said, "um, are you new or something?" i said, in my most happy and excited voice, "yes! i am!" which i think kind of took the wind out of her angry sails.

i feel like i'm doing okay, but of course i don't really know.  the feedback we're getting at this point is nominal at best, and every time i ask my teacher a question she seems annoyed that i exist.  at some point i rubbed her the wrong way, and now she kind of hates me.  she only hates me a little, so i'm okay with that.  to be fair, i don't much care for her either, so i guess we're even.  i feel like she didn't do the best job preparing us, and we had hours and hours of down time that she could have been going over scenarios with us, instead of suggesting we poke around on websites looking for things we didn't actually know to look for.  it's like telling someone you're going to teach them how to cook, sending them to the store for food, and then when they get back, they have all the ingredients for baking a cake but she wants us to cook a chicken.  dude, i did not buy a bird, and i looked up a lot of stuff i do not need now.  weird example, but true.  then again, there is a massive amount of information to learn in order to do this job with any sense of competency, so maybe this is just how it goes.  what i do know for sure is this; i can't wait to be out of that classroom, i can't wait to decorate my little cubicle, and i just spent way too much time looking at mouse pads for my computer.  dorkbot.   

how to make a good sandwich

i had a dream last night that i got call from the deli used to work at.  they left me a message saying they had no one else to open the deli that morning at 4 a.m., and they really needed me to work.  i knew i didn't work there anymore, but i went in anyway because i knew there wasn't anyone else to take that shift.  i got there early (honestly, going to work at 4 at the morning sounds lame, but is quite nice. it's quiet, you have your list of things you need to do, you get into a certain rhythm and before you know it, the sun is up and it's time for you to go home.), and started work.  slowly, the other deli workers came trickling in as their shifts started, and they were all surprised to see me.  "oh! you're the manager that never works here!" they kept saying.  i told them they never saw me because i didn't actually work there anymore, and when they asked why i was there, i explained that there was really just no one else.  then we started getting customers, and i was amazed at how i knew what ingredients went on which sandwich, and how easy it was for me to put them together.  then, because this was a dream, i forgot to price the sandwiches and all the cashiers got mad at me.  i left work early, because i had to go to my other job, and woke up feeling weird.  proud that i still know how to make a kick-ass sandwich, chumpy because they got me to go into work, at a job i didn't even have anymore.  then i woke up all the way, and reminded myself it was a dream.

dearest

i know, i'm too old to indulge in adolescent musical interludes but this song reminds me of a boy i was smitten with at 20, and still miss today. not because we would have ever grown up and gotten married or had kids or been anything but childhood sweethearts; but because he was a nice boy.  not my boy, but a sweet, kind boy who knew that i wasn't the marrying-kid-having type.  we actually argued about that sort of thing, and i recall being annoyed he thought that i wasn't ready to settle down.  he was right, and i was wrong about what i wanted and when i wanted it, which in the end was exactly what i needed.

i wasn't supposed to get married at 22 and have kids.  my kids were already around, waiting for me to show up.  i couldn't love them more if i had made them with my own body.  i hear albums like this one, and remember what i though my life was going to be, and am happy i was wrong.

*what makes me think of him is that my parents really loved him; they were his parents in a way.  i have moments where i remember we all went out, hand in hand, and they loved him, knowing we wouldn't grow up and get married.  it's a testament to how great my parents were that they loved him regardless, and how i learned about love with all of them.  is that weird?  knowing even then that what i wanted wasn't the best for me, wasn't what was in store, and still playing along.  he remains a good man, someone's happy partner, just not mine. 

what makes me think about all of this is knowing if my dad had known D at all, in any way, he would have been happy.  he would have liked him, they would have gotten along, and they both would have rolled their eyes at my more insane tendencies.  my dad loved the boy i grew up with, but he would have loved D more. i wish they had known each other.  it feels unfair that he knew the boy i wouldn't grow up to marry, and not the man i love so much. 

cheese bits

you might remember that at one point in time, i was a highly trained cheese person.  i guess i still am, although not on the cusp of cheese trends or anything like that, but DAMN i still love cheese.  fancy cheese, not fancy cheese, any everything in between.  which is why i always put together the cheese tray at family holidays.  of course, i tend to pick out too many cheeses, and some of them aren't as well-received as others (for whatever reason, i am the only person in my family who likes an aged goat gouda), so what do you do with all those leftover bits? especially if you are a dork and forget to put them away before they start to get hard and weird around the edges?  why, you make the delicious fromage fort.  i like to call it "cheese in a pot," because it most closely resembles those "potted" cheeses you sometimes get in holiday baskets; flavored like port or pimento. want to make some of your own? here's what you do;

• gather all your leftover cheese bits.  ALL of them.  got weird things with herbs? blues? soft, runny cheeses? some tillamook?  it will all be delicious in this, i promise. if you think that sounds weird, it's because it does, but trust me.  in the last batch i made, i put in feta, herbed goat cheese, aged gouda, smoked cheese, sharp cheddars, and some mystery "sheep" cheese that i'm not really sure was sheep.  guess what? it rocked.  cheeses you think would taste terrible together taste great in this.  
• some wine, broth, water or milk/cream.  i prefer to make mine with white wine, that's classic.  not a sweet white either; a house white, a chardonnay, something dry and delicious.  if you don't like wine, use some sort of brothy goodness to give it some more flavor.  if you don't have broth, add some water, maybe mixed with some milk or cream.  use what you have.  have some nice sherry? that would be good too.  
• garlic.  one or two cloves, depending on how much you like garlic or how much cheese you have.  today i used two cloves, and had a whole food processor full of cheese.  remember: you won't be able to taste the garlic at first, and it will get stronger.  so if you think you didn't add enough, wait a day, and taste it again.  
• pepper. you can grind it, or you can sprinkle it out of the shaker, i'm not going to judge you.  
• you may need some salt, but personally, i never use it, and haven't needed it.  cheese is pretty salty.  

cut your cheeses into pieces about the same size.  roughly, you're going to blend the hell out of them, so don't fuss over it too much.  put your garlic in the food processor, then pulse it a bit to start chopping it.  add the cheese, in batches if you have a lot (adding softer cheeses nearer to the end), pulsing and mushing and mixing.  add the wine (or broth, or whatever) a bit at a time, getting the cheese mix damp, but not swimming.  you will probably have some chunks, and that is okay.  you can blend it smoother or rougher depending on how you like it, but i enjoy some fat bits of cheese mixed in there.  add as much liquid as will make it smooth-ish without being creamy (because if you mix it too much, it will start to separate and be weird).  when it's done, pack it into jars or pot!  you can eat it right away, but it gets better the longer it sits.  spread it on crackers, toast, or pipe bits into endive spears to be all fancy. dip crudite in it, use it on a sandwich, or eat it on a spoon.  feed it to your friends, make sure you say "fromage" like you mean it, and watch them swoon. 

delicious!

thankful

we had thanksgiving in our new house today!  it was supposed to be a small event, with just the four of us and my mom and aunt.  then my cousin came, and my sister and her boyfriend, and the in-laws!  it was a fun day, to be honest, and i'm glad everyone got to come over.  our little house was full of people we love, wine, food, and the living room had been vacuumed.  success! 

anyone married to a cook knows this; even if you are not a doof in the kitchen, they will take over and have some prima donna moments, and you will get to cook one, maybe two things if you are lucky.  me, i made the cranberry relish, a few radish roses, and a kick ass cheese tray.  everything else was all D.  he made tiny cornish game hens, stuffed with dressing, a brussels sprout gratin with smoked gouda, mashed potatoes, two kinds of gravy (one plain, one with fancy chanterelle mushrooms, wine and cream), green beans almandine, sweet potatoes with pecans, a giant fruit salad, a ham, and a grape pie.  imagine how tired you are of reading all those words, then eat them, and go take a nap.  whew.  i got fat just thinking about dinner.  needless to say, it was delicious and i loved every bite.  we had champagne with dinner, spiked with a little cherry juice, and afterward ate pumpkin pie my mom brought over.  

i have to say, i have a lot to be grateful for this year.  a happy, healthy little family; a new house; a cat that likes to nap with me; kids who get my stupid jokes and make their own; a job that pays me like a grown up, and all my friends and family.  speaking of, we're going to get a little bigger next year; my sister is having another baby!  i just found out yesterday, and i will admit, i have a bit of a baby high going on right now.  (and maybe a buzz from all the good food and love and knowing i have another three days off to knit and lounge!)  i hope everyone had an equally boss day (boss is my new favorite word, which i guess means i'm a boy from 1972), and thanks for stopping by!  maybe next year you can come over and help us eat some of this food...

while catching up on blogs

i came upon a shout-on over at sarah's blog!  she very kindly called me a versatile blogger, which is awesome, and came at just the right time because honestly, i feel super boring lately.  a blog is primarily a "hey this is what's going on in my head" kind of endeavor, but none of us would blog if we didn't enjoy having readers, right?  essentially it boils down to this; yes, a lot of what i write is just ho-hum, i did this today and blah blah blah, not a big deal, but i like having readers.  what makes this blog different from a regular paper journal/diary is that i get feedback from people.  some of them i know in real life, some i don't.  either way, it feels enormously good to hear, "yeah, i feel that way too," or "i get it."  in one way or another, isn't almost every comment a "yeah, me too" sort of comment?  the satisfaction that comes from writing something, explaining an emotion/day/scenario in a way that makes someone else recognize the same in their own life is one of my favorite things.  which is a long-winded way of saying, oh sarah! thank you.  and now on to five little known facts about me,

1. until earlier this week, i honestly thought my cat just had one hole to do all her business out of.  which, for someone who studied animals in college, has had a cat for more than a few years, and is normally not a retard, is pretty embarrassing to admit.  i think part of me did not want to think about my cat having lady parts, and part of me just only ever saw kitten butthole.  after i said that out loud, as in, "what? doesn't lulu only have the one hole?" i immediately knew i was wrong. and now the boychik and D call everything they think is a dumb a "one hole."  for a smart girl, sometimes i am really dense.
2. i stayed out way past my curfew once with a boyfriend in high school, and when i got home, my dad was furious and accused me of "losing my cherry."  OUT LOUD.  i was 15, and had no idea what "cherry" meant, but was humiliated and freaked out nonetheless.  for one thing, i had never had a curfew before he stopped going out to sea, and whenever i'd been super late before, mom always waited until the next morning to yell at me, and so the whole situation was seriously bizarre.  what makes this worse is that sometimes when i miss my dad so much i feel like my ribs are going to cave in and suffocate me, i think about that, and it makes me feel better.  secretly (or not so secretly now) this makes me feel like a bad daughter, but as much as i loved my pop, it helps to remember the times when he was kind of a dick.  
3. i feel uncomfortable around "real" indians because i'm just a half-breed (even less than that!) and not indian enough.  as much as i enjoy going to the rez and hanging out with my cousins, i don't mention being native out loud to a lot of people because i don't feel nearly indian enough.  i have a weird relationship with my ethnicity, and vacillate between being proud and/or indignant, and afraid to say it out loud because i look like a nice italian girl.  you know, even though i'm not even remotely italian. 
4. until i met D, i was super embarrassed about my feet.  i was convinced they were the ugliest feet on earth, and no amount of googling photos of "hammertoe" made me feel better.  but D thought they were adorable and in some way he made me feel better.  i can't tell you exactly how he did it, but one day i was in the shower and i thought, "he might be right, they might not be hideously deformed."  what a nice thing he did, without even trying.  
5. i have very, very mild eczema in a few places, but every patch i get i worry and pick at until it's the grossest thing on earth.  to whit; my belly button has been weirdly dry and crusty for over a year, because the moment it almost heals all the way, i get back in there and pick some more.  i'm like sarah with scabs, only a million times worse.  my belly button is so gross!  no one would drink champagne out of it.  D even said that once, and while it made me sad, i understood.  me and my dry skin are not good friends.  

i don't think all of my "little known" facts needed to be so gross and shameful, but there you go!  i'm supposed to pass this on to other bloggers, but truth be told, being so honest made me sleepy, so i'll get to that part later.  go to bed!  what are you doing up so late? are you busy losing your cherry?!  i'll kick that boy's ass if i find him....

these pretzels are making me thirsty

oh wait, no; this job training is making me thirsty. for beer.  so much information, coming at me from all directions, in all forms, in one small, window-less room that vacillates between sahara hot and icebox cold.

in a lot of ways day two was better; less nerves, more doing stuff, but in other ways it was just as frustrating. still lots of computer problems, one person who never ever ever shuts their mouth, weird downtime followed by briefs spurts of remember-this-OMG-this-is-important-stuff.

what made me feel a million times better was our trainer saying to us today, "my third day i just went home and cried, and was convinced that i would never get all of this, feeling like the stupidest person on earth, and now i've been here for 7 years." yeah. i know it's going to get better and all the technical snafu's will get worked out and soon i'll be pining for the times i spent these past two days getting to know my classmates/co-workers, but right now i just need a beer and to go to bed early.