aaargh!!!!

they were supposed to shut my internet off today, but luckily i got a few more hours so i can vent about all the annoying things that happened to me today.

1. last night it took over two hours to take apart the cheap-ass futon that's been tormenting my back for months. i needed to break it back down so i could haul it out and drop it in the dumpster, but it was such a ridiculously hard and protracted experience. it involved an allen wrench, a crescent wrench, a rag and a whole lot of swearing. gah!
2. therefore, only one full carload of stuff made it from my apartment to the new house. the disassembly also cut into my night of packing.
3. i called the apartment manager this morning to ask if it would be okay if i finished moving out tomorrow morning; because i needed help getting my bed downstairs and had to work all day today. they agreed, then asked when the carpet cleaners were scheduled to come on by. um, what?
4. i guess i agreed to get the carpets cleaned before i moved. also, the blinds. that part cracks me up because i've been here for 6 months and how dirty can they be? the carpet, sure, but the blinds? i don't see it.
   
5. the good news about this is that they'll take the payment right out of my deposit, so at least it won't be money out of pocket.
   
6. at work, someone called in sick and we had a new girl. this led to another 12 hour shift at work, which is always awesome for the paycheck, but not such a fun thing to do. plus, i think i did sort of a shitty job closing because i felt all antsy about going home.
   
7. the new girl was totally rad, but informed us before she left that her first day was going to be her last. what the hell. i'm glad she at least told us, but what the fuck?! so as nice as she was (is) i'm feeling kind of bitter about her.
   

now i am totally exhausted and want nothing more than to crawl into bed, but i'm sure there's too much to do to just relax.

tomorrow should be better. cross your fingers!

the boxes are going to kill me

i feel bad for anyone who knows me in real life because lately you have been hearing one of two things, over and over again, on repeat. 1) it's hot!!! and 2) i fucking hate packing. both are true, but there's nothing i can do about either. dammit!

my internet is likely to be spotty the next few days, since i have to shut it off and one place and turn it on elsewhere, but i will be back as soon as i can. the thought of no youtube or flickr or adultswim makes me nervous, but i'll soldier through it.

also, thanks for all the nice emails and calls i got the past few days. for the record, i do feel much better. and re-reading that last post got me nervous that i sounded like the meds make it hard for me to happy, but that's not the case. i think because i get the downs, my ups are sometimes higher than normal. on the medication, i'm still happy and sad and all that shit, but sometimes my reactions are delayed or not quite as sharply focused. of course, this is mainly true about small thing. the point is, when i'm all keyed up and freaked out i rarely have the time or energy to feel anything but DOOM and GLOOM and MUST DRINK COCKTAIL. i need to be relaxed to feel much else, duh. anxiety is like a boyfriend who is sometimes nice to you, sometimes helps you clean the house until it sparkles and makes you feel pretty and smart, and then pisses all over the bathroom and tells you what a slob you are. you don't think about the bad shit when you feel good, and then when it's bad you just worry it's never going to get better. the thing is, you just need to dump the jerk and take your pills. or get a good shrink, or whatever works for you. that was a metaphor that totally got weak at the end. the point is, the meds work for me. i don't want to have to take them forever, but i might not have a choice. for now, they work and maybe later, when i have a lot of free time and money i can invest in some talk therapy and go off them. i suspect i won't ever be able to do that, i might just be neurotic the way some people are blonde or have green eyes. i can think of worse things.

the one where i talk about being a spaz

a few months ago while talking to my new doctor i mentioned that the medication i was taking for my anxiety was working okay, but i wasn't totally in love with the side effects and would be open to trying something new. we decided i would try a different type of ssri, just to see if it was better or worse or what. since my very first diagnosis as someone with an anxiety disorder with a pinch of OCD (the boring counting kind, not the good holy-shit-you-can-eat-off-my-kitchen-floor kind) i've taken one, and only one, brand of ssri. there are a ton out there, and i thought it would be to my advantage to give another one a test run. you would think that just changing the brand of pill i take, not the kind, wouldn't matter much, but for some unknown reason, they all react differently to different folks.

i ended up spazzing out. pretty big time. shakes and insomnia and the overwhelming feeling that something was not quite right, that something was indeed, very, VERY wrong and just around the corner, waiting in ambush. it was not as bad as my last breakdown, but it's a slippery slope and thankfully i realized something wasn't right and went in and got everything re-adjusted.

when i was originally diagnosed i was younger, and my outlook was good. all the shrinks and doctors i saw thought i was just going through a rough patch and would only be on the medication for a few months to a year. they were hopeful that the ssri would help "re-wire" my brain to deal with stress, and that i would eventually taper off and go back to unmedicated life. it's been about eight years now, and all my doctors agree that i might be one of those people who takes the pills for life.

hearing that has been harder for me than the original diagnosis, which left me bereft and crying on the floor of my apartment for days. this has been a much more difficult thing to face. one the one hand, i understand that the medication makes my life more livable; without it i am a mess, unable to work and seriously lacking in social skills or grace. on the other, when they work sometimes they do it too well and i feel numb and sort of out of it. i worry that i'm not having authentic or meaningful interactions with other people. i worry that i'm unable to have long-term romantic relationships because i can't connect on a deeper level. i worry about becoming the crazy cat lady, or becoming a drunk, or freaking out in public. i never feel okay talking about this to anyone, and my closest friends, the people i love the most, often don't know what's going on until afterward. a part of me wants to keep this secret buried as far as it can go, covered in concrete then planted with daisies over the top. part of me thinks this is ridiculous and that i shouldn't be ashamed of my mental illness. i am, of course, and think i always will be. i understand, in a way, what my father goes through when people dismiss his cancer because he was a life-long smoker, i think there is a large group of folks out there who think that my anxiety is a by-product of a weak mind, that i'm just not tough enough to beat it back, that if i weren't such a drama queen or immature i would just buck up and deal with what life had to offer. i want to explain that i did try, and in some ways life without the drugs was awesome. i was thinner without trying. i felt happy in a sparkly way that is sometimes hard to recapture. sex was easier. i never had to worry about having enough medication, where i was going to get more, and finding a doctor who was (is) sympathetic and not judgmental. the downside was just that, down. when i could function i did so well, when i couldn't i was a hot mess.

i don't know what all this means, to be honest. i'm not trying to garner sympathy or get a whole lot "you're awesome!" comments. i think i'm trying to spell out what this has been like for me, to do what little i can to relieve some of the stigma around being one of the many people who takes some form of psychiatric medication. i've said this before many times, but i wish there was some test i could take that would prove that my brain is just wired in a way that isn't conducive to living a modern life. if they could show my brain's off reaction to seratonin, like a blood test can show diabetes or hepatitis, my life would be easier. i think i would feel less like a failure and try less hard to justify my choices.

the other night i was lying in bed, unable to sleep, freaking out about the coming day, the past day, and everything in between and i thought; if this life is all we have, if right here and right now are it-no afterlife, no pearly gate, nothing to look forward but worm food-then what the hell am i doing? do i want to live all jittery and unhappy and inside my own brain? the answer is no. i don't want to take the meds, but i also don't want to live a life where i worry it away without being able to enjoy it. i take a little pill every night before bed, and sometimes a happy blue one on very, very, rotten and horrible days. things could be worse.

ew, i got a cyst!

i went to see the doctor the other day because i thought my meds weren't working (true story: they weren't. i was all sorts of crazy, but now i'm better, and glad i have health insurance!), and while i was there spazzing out i added "and i have this weird lump in my hand!" i've had a funny crease on my palm for over a year now; it didn't hurt, exactly, but sometimes my hand would go numb and i'd have a hard time grasping stuff. now there's this crunchy little nugget below the surface, between my thumb and forefinger, about the size of a pea. when he felt he said, "ooh, cool." evidently it's a cyst, and it's been there for quite some time. it's either under or next to a tendon, which is why i have that crease in my palm. he was sad i didn't show it to him earlier, because now i have to go see a specialist for an outpatient surgery to remove it, and he wanted to do it. weird, huh? i got a cyst! it's gross feeling. i wish you could touch it, though. it's kind of creepy and therefore sort of fun. i made a whole lot of people touch it today, because i am that kid. i suspect i'll be the same way when i have stitches!

i almost forgot!

one of the other cheese specialists i work with is getting married in september, and had no one to perform her ceremony. enter your favorite reverend, moi. i am, in fact, a reverend now thanks to the universal life church. i'm actually planning on getting the fancy wallet card, just so i can whip it out when necessary. most parts of washington state don't care who officiates at your wedding, but i thought getting ordained would be fun, and good to have as back-up. they have some other fun stuff on their site, like the baker's wedding handbook (which at first i thought was all recipes, until i realized it mean "baker" like a pronoun and not as a profession), and this pretty pin.

i don't know this girl very well, but she does sell cheese for a living so she's already got one thing going for her. we've also already had cocktails together, and thus concluded bonding rite #1. i like her, and it will be fun to be the reverend at a wedding where no one knows me. plus, they're getting married at this sweet place out on camano island, and i am assured free drinks and access to groomsmen. because when she asked if i'd do it i said yes, but told her my fee involved kegs and being able to make-out with members of the wedding party. i'm planning on introducing myself as "reverend amanda" all night long to any hot boy in a suit. i'll be sure to casually mention that i don't belong to a celibate sect, and then ask them if they've ever made-out with a woman of the cloth. damn, this is going to be one sweet gig. who's your new favorite reverend?

to do, redeux

i really want that tatoo, dammit. you know what else i want? my septum ring back. is that totally absurd? i mean, i'm past thirty now, and haven't had my nose pierced in over five years, but i miss it. the other nice thing about it is that i can hide it when i'm working, and i feel like if i want to drill a hole through my nose then wear a ring when i feel like it, i should be allowed to. after all, isn't that the point of being a grown up? eating dessert first, drinking coffee whenever i want, going to bed late at night or etching a permanent "to do:" on my wrist should be a-okay.

to do:

to do, originally uploaded by pinprick.

1. pack up at least the living room.
2. make plans for moving my mattress downstairs and into the new place.
3. call my phone company and arrange my move with them. (done! but it took a long time!)
4. do some dishes.
5. clean out my freezer of random stuff i don't want to move.
6. get awesome "to do:" tattoo. (that might have to wait, dammit.)
7. watch more 6FU, cry a little, but overall be glad i met the fisher's.
8. drink iced coffee with soy milk and a tiny bit of sugar.
9. go outside at least once or twice and see the sun.
10. start my laundry.

rascal

at work today i served a corndog to a particularly handsome young man. he was a touch flirty, i was a touch flirty, and when he said, "have a good weekend" i replied with something similar. he turned and my friend tara started giggling and i said "what?" she said, "that face! if you could see yourself!" i realized then that i was probably leering a little when he left. you know, checking out his ass a bit, looking for any hidden bald spots, but nothing too creepy or obvious. when i realized what i was doing i blushed, blushed like a nice girl who just heard someone say "butt." we were both laughing at this point, and i said, "you know, it's just like realizing you were really thirsty." he was cute, and i suddenly needed a glass of water.

i haven't felt this boy-crazy since fifteen. i can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

beer!

note to self: the wine guy at work might be super cute, totally knowledgeable about wine (but in love with beer, and it shows), and treat you to his room of mark-downs before they hit the store, but he is dangerous. he will send you home with delicious beers and ales that are high in alcohol content, smooth to the palate, and not very expensive. he will stand there being all cute and funny and charming, but he will be married. he will offer you bottles of his homebrew, and then tell you about his adorable daughter. in short, he will be frustrating and wonderful, and you'll be at home getting tipsy on his beer thinking "are there more boys like him out there?" and "what the hell? how do find one?"

tonight's beer is Konings Hoeven Quadrupel; a trappist ale made in the netherlands. it's pretty much the only trappist ale not made in belgium. it's dark and silky, with notes of caramel and cherry fruit, a slight sweetness at the end. it's a full, round taste. most beers with a ten percent alcohol rating will taste like 10% booze, but this one is impossibly drinkable. more about it here, and here.

ugh

i had to work a 12 hour shift, which was, of course, LONG. we got another new girl who is a flake, and as usual i'm pretty much the only person who will stay late. the overtime is awesome, i love that part of my job, but i am super tired now. i'm having a beer and am headed to bed. good times!

i accidentally stumbled upon fur the other night while at my folks house; i don't much care for nicole kidman (i don't hate her, i just don't go out of my way to see her films) but i have to say, i liked it. i didn't know anything about it, and while i like diane arbus well enough, i'm not so obsessed with her that it upset me to see a fictional movie about her. i expected very little from it, i guess, and was pleasantly surprised. i had no idea robert downey jr. was in it, and at the end when i realized it was him i felt very, "really?!" i don't know, maybe it's because i love circus freaks, but i enjoyed the movie more than it seems a lot of other people did. i would watch it again. is that weird? did you see it? i don't actually know anyone else who's seen it. thoughts?

okay, i'm off to bed. i've been reading the yiddish policeman's union the past few days. lunch time and bed time (and spare hours on the couch) are now my favorite times of day; this book is impossibly well written. normally i'm a super fast reader, i just tear through books, but this one i find myself reading sentences slowly and repeatedly, everything is so well-crafted. i love michael chabon, have for a long time, but this book totally pushes him into my top five favorite author list. yiddish noir: not a phrase i ever thought i would use, or relish so much. it's a gorgeous book, i can't believe it took me this long to read. i am really glad i bought it instead of borrowing it from the library.

could this be my man?

his last name is pants. PANTS.

things i love about baby

part one million and two:

• she says "bless you" now when you sneeze. and she says it very seriously, with her little hand on your arm.
  
• she calls spongebob "sponge-in."
  
• when she wakes up in the morning she comes and finds me, and crawls under the blankets with me on the couch and cuddles.
• she lets me play drums on her tummy.
• when i ask her if she's my sweet baby she says "yeah!" like it's the most exciting thing on earth.
• she calls her head her "melon." as in, "ow! i bang my melon!"
  
• when she tries to say her name, margaret, she says "magret." kills me, every time.
  

there are a million more things i love about her, like her tiny hands and the way she's learned how to say please and thank-you, and her general cuddle-y cuteness. she's a fun kid to hang out with, and every time i get to see her i'm glad my sister moved home.

my whites need to be whiter

going home to my folks for the night. partly so i can do laundry, partly to see my magna-doodle, partly to eat their food and hang out with my mom. pop and i aren't exactly getting along, but we'll see. maybe he'll be in a better mood today. either that or he'll cut the brake cables in my car.

i just wanted to say i'm reading tricked by alex robinson and it's excellent. in fact, it's so good i'm having a hard time packing stuff up. i just want to lie on the couch and read it all day, but i know if i got to mom and dad's they have a couch i can use as well.

tv on dvd

the problem with me is that lately i only watch television shows that are no longer on the air, so i rent or buy the dvds. what's awesome about it is i get to gorge myself on episodes, watching them whenever and however i want. a whole season at a time? awesome! right now i'm all into six feet under, and while i hated most of season 2 (it was just really awkward and tense and i developed a serious hatred of brenda), i hated it in a good way. it took a good long time to watch. season 3 i am loving, and have watched almost the whole thing. i'm one episode away from it being over.

this is when it sucks to watch an old tv show. i have a million questions like, what happens with lisa? where the hell is she? does brenda really redeem herself? is billy going to go batshit again? what happens to david, does he date the new guy or get back together with keith? and russell, what the hell. i kind of feel for the kid but am pissed about what he did to claire. what kills me is that i could get the answers to all these questions with a few google searches and some time spent on imdb. the temptation to learn all the answers is fierce! i won't do it, of course, and no one give me any hints, but the suspense is killing me.

edited to add: (assholes! i liked lisa. i did a lot of crying during the last episode. i just ordered season 4. assholes!)

eeeeeee!

octo eyes, originally uploaded by pinprick.

do you see this? i've been working on acquiring this big pretty for a while now, i didn't want to say anything because i didn't want to jinx it, but now it's mine. it's a giant octo necklace, made by betsey johnson, kind of rare and hard to find. the cost to me was obscene, but honestly, for what it is, it was worth it (and not really that expensive, i'm just not accustomed to spending money on stuff like this). it's massive, it's shiny, and it's my favorite animal in the sea! after the past few shitty months, i totally think i deserve a little bling.

i got wasted with my sister, and all i got was this crappy hangover

start of blanket, originally uploaded by pinprick.

last night i'm getting off work and kind of slowly making my way out of the store, which i am wont to do. i don't know why, some nights i get the hell out of there, some nights i dawdle, like i'm shifting gears there before driving home. whatever the reason, i was totally pokey about getting out of there, and in the parking lot i ran into my sister and the baby. maggie wanted a balloon-balloon, of course, so i obliged my little muppet. while we're getting her a balloon my sister tells me they're going to target and i should come with. while at target she starts harassing me about just coming home with her to spend the night, she has no one to have cocktails with. i give in, we stop by the rez on the way home, and long story shorter, we drank most of a bottle of peach flavored vodka.

while drinking she gave me an awesome manicure, we ate frozen hom bao, and had this impossibly long, drunken, heartfelt and tear-inducing talk. this might sound weird if you don't have a sister, but while that might sound horrible, sometimes it's really good to just get blotto with your sister and cry your eyes out. waking up the next morning hungover and having to hear the backyardigans, not so much fun. we just needed to have a good talk, and while we're not always going to see eye to eye on everything (like her douchebag boyfriend), it doesn't mean i don't understand where she's coming from or love her any less. she's a grown-up, and as much as i want to protect her from retard boys, i can't. she's got to fend for herself. i did warn her, though, that i feel hugely protective of maggie and won't do well with anyone who doesn't just totally adore her and realize how awesome she is. i don't care who it is, i'm not even saying her douchebag boyfriend is anything but nice to her, i just needed her to know.

it was a long and fun night, followed by a long and longer day. i'm glad to be home now; i'm going to knit and watch some cartoons on adult swim and then maybe snl. whoo!

lazy sunday

book jacket, originally uploaded by pinprick.

oh i know, it's wednesday. i didn't do a lot today; nothing much but shop for things i didn't necessarily need (but love anyhow), eat a leisurely brunch with a friend from work, and then lounge in the tub reading the latest sedaris book. i wasn't the hugest fan of the last book; dress your family in corduroy and denim. some of the stories were great, some were forgettable. it might not be my favorite david sedaris book, but i still think it's better than a lot of other books that came out that year. in any case, i wasn't so sure about this one, but i saw him the other night on the jon stewart show and he was as adorable and charming and funny as i remember and then i just had to have this. that, and will is reading it and enjoying it! i picked it up while i was at costco and flipped through it, starting reading a page at random and laughed out loud. since getting it home i've laughed out loud some more and spent some quality time with it while taking a soak.

i'm going to miss living alone. roommate's are an inevitable and necessary evil for me, so i feel like i need to take advantage of this last month in my apartment. the place is needlessly messy, just because it can be. i take long baths with the door open while watching tv. i stay up until all hours of the night knitting and painting and watching crappy tv. soon i'll have to keep my laundry in neat piles, clean out the toilet when it gets gross, stop wandering around naked, make sure my dishes are in the sink and nothing too stinky is in the fridge. *sigh*

noodley goodness

here is my recipe for cold sesame noodles! (i'll have a photo later, after mine are chilled and pretty.)

you will need:

• one pound capellini or angel hair pasta. yes, it makes a lot, but the inspiration for this recipe makes about five hundred pounds, so be glad i could make it this small!
• 1/3 cup balsamic vinegar
• 1/3 cup rice wine vinegar (i like the seasoned marukan, then there's no need to add sugar or salt)
• 1/4 cup soy sauce (if you can get the dark soy, awesome, if not, that's okay!)
• a few tablespoons of sesame seeds
• sesame oil (how much is a mystery to me, i'll explain later)
• if you like you can also add veggies or green onions!
  

boil water and cook pasta, but make sure you are cooking it al dente. it's going to marinate in the sauce for a while, and you don't want it to get mushy. while pasta is cooking, get a big old tupperware container, preferably big and flat. add vinegars, and measure out soy sauce. while soy in still in the measuring container, add enough sesame oil to bring the total measurement up to 1/3 cup. that's why i don't know how much sesame i use! it's just whatever i need to get from 1/4 to 1/3! add soy and sesame, put lid on container, and shake the hell out of it. shake it like a polaroid picture, baby. when noodles are done, drain and rinse under cool water until you can touch them without getting burned. add to container with sauce, toss to coat, then cover and shake some more. you'll want to let the noodles sit for at least a few hours to overnight, so they can absorb all the saucy goodness, giving them a shake on occasion. you want the noodles to have a pretty even brown hue; they will look a bit like skinny earthworms, but that's part of their charm. if you use double black soy sauce, they will be even darker. before serving, add sesame seeds and green onions, toss some more. eat them, feed them to your friends, and brag about how awesome your cooking skills are.

day off

dog faced boy, originally uploaded by pinprick.

six feet under, season three, came in the mail yesterday. along with my early reviewer book from library thing! it was a good mail day. i'm trying hard not to watch all the six feet under in one day, but i might fail. i finished my dog faced boy already, and i'm not totally sure what to do with the rest of my day. i miss my folks, and should drive over to the island to see them, but DAMN gas is expensive. at the same time, i'll get lots of love over there and a chance to do my laundry for free and some time to chew baby's cheeks. hmmmm..... decisions, decisions!

yum yum

one of my co-workers grows her own chickens, and has been kind enough to sell me some eggs. this rules for a few reasons, the top two being that 1) they are only $1 a dozen, and 2) farm eggs rule. they make supermarket eggs literally and figuratively pale in comparison. the yolks on linda's eggs are a deep golden yellow-orange, the whites fluffy and soft. they are rich and delicious and using them has made all my recipes better. they even make top ramen better. seriously. lately my favorite breakfast is one small bagel (the mini bagels are good and always on sale at the grocery outlet!), and a hard boiled egg. the trick to making a perfect hard boiled egg, one without the green sulfur ring of doom, is to put the eggs in first with a pinch of salt (this helps seal any minuscule cracks in the shell the egg might have), then turn the water on to high. bring to a boil, lower heat to medium, cook for about seven to eight minutes, ten to fifteen if you have a few in there. when the time is up, shut the heat off, but don't remove the pan or the eggs. go brush your teeth, make a cup of coffee and some toast, and ignore your eggs for a few minutes. that part is harder than it sounds, until you get used to it. when you are ready to eat your eggs, rinse under cool water to make then easier to handle, crack those puppies open and sprinkle with a little coarse salt and eat while still warm.

depending on your eggs, your pan, and your technique, you might want to increase the time they spend in the boiling water, or reduce it. personally, i like my eggs cooked all way through, but a little, tiny bit gummy. i like it when they aren't entirely cooked through, but i love soft-boiled eggs too, so you might be different from me.

also, a warm, hard boiled egg smashed on buttered* toast with salt and pepper is awesome. not pretty to look at, but delicious.

*if you love me you'll use a real butter, like an irish or danish butter. i won't lecture you on why those butters rule, you should just trust me. if you can find it, go for irish. oh my goodness, it's the kind of butter you want to make out with!

here's the thing

lately i have been hating my body in a way that usually only teen girls angst about it, and while i love my bike, sometimes i get home late and it's too dark for a good ride, or i'll be out and the trail will be all busy and i'll get annoyed and not stay out long enough, etc. i thought it would be nice to have something else to do, fitness wise. gyms give me hives; the act of working out in front of other people embarrasses me so much that i practically burst into flames and spend the rest of the day an anxious mess, so that's out. i found a small stair stepper for the low low price of $40. i think that's pretty reasonable. i can use it while watching tv, in the privacy of my home, and i think it will supplement the bike riding well. a little variety never hurt anyone.

it's just weird how now i'm a woman with a stair stepper. i could, theoretically, just climb stairs, but i'm telling you, you really don't want to have anything to do with me after i've dealt with sweaty-in-public anxiety.

bored and boring

lately i can't bring myself to be even remotely interested in anything on tv. i also haven't been into watching movies. on the weekend, that sort of behavior is common, but during the week i admit to loving to veg in front of my tv for a while after work. what's wrong with me?

working on a dog-faced boy little people painting. i also had pretty much the awesome-est idea for a family crest that i'm working out as well. i don't know why i've been thinking about family crests; i think it kind of has to do with a lot of different people this week making a big stink about my english-sounding name. i say it's "english sounding" all the time, totally forgetting that i am, indeed, actually english. i just don't think about it much except when i'm in love with shows on the bbc and craving tea and kippers.

my sister and baby came to see me at work today! baby is still sickly, poor thing, and sounds hilarious. sort of like a frog baby, or a very old woman in a baby's body. she's got a little deep, raspy thing going on, and it's pretty cute. she came running up to me, doing that little hop-skip-jerk thing she does, and the lady i was helping laughed and said, "oh my! she's like a little character!" with her blonde pigtails and sing-songy voice, she certainly is. she reminds me of a muppet. i got to hook her up with many balloons, walk around with her, chew on her chubby cheeks and witness a real two-year-old tantrum. my sister handles them very well, and when she was calmed down we threatened to sell her to gypsies if she was naughty and maggie giggled and said, "no gypsies!" we said, oh, but we could make a lot of money off you, and she was like "no money! no selling maggie to gypsies!" i'm sure anyone who overheard us thinks we're awful, but it was pretty funny to us. i haven't seen my family much lately; we've all been sick and the last thing i wanted to go home and re-infect anyone or pass something new along, so i've been laying low. i miss my baby, though! i need some toddler cheeks to chew on or else.

okay, enough boring chatter. i wish i had more to say, but the lung thing and the antibiotics are both keeping me down. i'm tired all the time, and queasy when i'm up. good times.

super awesome

did you know achewood made roast beef greeting cards? they did, and they are awesome.

i love roast beef. don't tell me you don't read achewood, please. just don't admit it. just go there and start reading if you aren't already.

bearded lady

bearded lady, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i am on a roll. bearded lady started and finished in less than 24 hours. i think that might be a record time for me! i want to do a whole circus freak series, we'll see how long my momentum lasts.

the coughing is abating, albeit slowly. at least it's not as harsh as it was yesterday, and my tummy today is less riotous.

i feel kind of awesome.

framed strongman, originally uploaded by pinprick.

not just because i finished a painting but because while out tonight running around frantically looking for more paper i found this frame. hank the strong has a home!

also, my local joanne's doesn't carry any drawing paper. AT ALL. no sketch pads, watercolor paper, bristol of any sort. WTF?! i had to rush over to michael's and then i only had five minutes to find what i needed, which is kind of good because anything over five minutes in any craft/art supply store equals massive money loss.

working on a bearded lady!

on hank and henry

new strongman painting, originally uploaded by pinprick.

besides being whiny about being sick, i've been working on a new big top henry painting; this one where he is the strongman. i've got a thing for henry lately, and realized the other day that i've always been fond of henry's. my first sock money is named deaf henry (he has no ears), there's my sweetie boy henry (tiernan's little brother) and now my big top henry. growing up i had an uncle named hank that i adored too. he had a mustache, like big top henry.

in short, i like henry's and hanks and mustaches and circus performers.

gack

the doctor confirmed what i'd been thinking; i do indeed have bronchitis. that hacking isn't your run of the mill cough! the nurse said i sounded "croup-y" which totally cracked me up. i don't know why, but i really like the sound of that. i'm croup-y! like a fussy baby! he prescribed a five day regiment of antibiotics, with today being double-dose day. normally antibiotics make me sicker than a dog, which is why i'm reluctant to take them, and today is no exception. hello, angry tummy. if they're going to make me sick, though, i'm glad it's only for five days. talked to my mom and evidently everyone is super sick; maggie, who gave me this isn't any better either, pop went to the emergency room today because he's coughing up blood and convinced this is the end, and my sister caught whatever plague we're carrying around. days like today i feel bad for my mom, who gets to listen to us all whine and demand her attention. she should have never been so nurturing to us as kids, now she's stuck with us for life.

before the meds kicked in, i ran some errands. paid part of the electric bill, got some quarters for laundry, and went to the library. and here is where i act like a pouty baby: i wanted to donate my second season of six feet under, and their reaction was pretty unimpressive. it's not like i wanted a standing ovation, but something more than, "thanks, next!" would have been nice. they were actually sort of rude about it, and all i wanted was to make sure that the dvds became part of the collection, not given to the friends of the library to sell. i tried to explain that, and the librarian totally blew me off. no one took my name or number, so in case the library wasn't going to keep them they could give me a call, nothing. it was weirdly anticlimactic. what redeemed my visit, though, was finding a copy of young frankenstein to watch. that gene wilder is awesome funny.

okay, i have to go lay on the couch and clutch my tummy and make moaning noises. maybe i'll make some coffee too. i can't tell if that's going to make me sicker or not, but i'm going to give it a try.

on cheese and coughs

cut morbier, originally uploaded by pinprick.

this coughing is getting seriously out of hand. last night i had a coughing fit so harsh, so long, that i actually peed a little. yes, i peed a little. in my pants. oh. my. god. needless to say, i made a doctor's appointment the second i woke up this morning.

i say i sound like a deranged dog or barking seal, and you might think i'm joking, but it's the god-honest-truth. tonight while walking through a parking lot i coughed and some dog came leaping the his car door window, ferociously barking, then he stopped, cocked his cute head and looked at me like "um, you are no dog." i smiled and waved.

also, look at that beautiful wheel of morbier. it came in today for the first time at my store, and i carried it around for a while making everyone sniff it and admire it. it is a stinky washed-rind cheese, but once you realize that all stinky cheeses taste amazing you begin to really enjoy that smell. i understand crazy old men now in a way i didn't before. in any case, i'm going to blog about this cheese properly and then let you know where my cheese blog is. my goodness, morbier is amazing. if you ever run into it at the store, please buy some. if you hate it you can blame me, but trust me, it's delicious.

i have to go cough some more! and put on some adult diapers.

old tv news

it was after moving to anacortes that i discovered six feet under. i found the first season at the library, then bought the second on amazon, used. i admit i didn't get totally into season two, mainly because i freaking HATE brenda, but now that it's almost over (one episode left!), i have ordered season three. i can't help myself. the fisher family is totally addictive! i'm going to donate all the seasons i buy to the library when i'm done. not because i'm so philanthropic, but because it was lame to finish that first season and not have the second to look forward to. also, as much as i love six feet under, i don't feel like watching it all the time, like i do with say, the bluth's. the fisher's are totally engrossing, but the bluth's are friendly, and good to watch while i paint or goof off. the library will also always have my copies of six feet under, so i can just go rent them like all the other kids. i'm not elitist! honest!

aw, shoot

sometimes a painting just doesn't turn out the way you want. i just did a lovely watercolor, that i ruined in the final strokes. i was working on wallpaper; the color was too heavy and the pattern retarded. dammit. that's okay, because honestly i was just finishing something i had started, but i had an idea i liked better.

what a cryptic post. i don't mean it to be! honest. i'll show you what i'm working one when it's done. promise!

awesome fun

today through boing boing i discovered pseudopod; the sound of horror. it's a podcast blog, all horror stories. it's awesome. creepy and delightful. i listened to the sloan men today, and know i'm going to have a hard time not listening to the rest of them tonight. i also want to check out escape pod, the sister site of all sci-fi fantasy stories.

i've never been much for podcasts, i'm not sure why. i love public radio, and shows like this american life and the splendid table. that's what pseudopod reminds me of, old radio stories. albeit with a twisted bend, like the twilight zone. now that i've discovered these podcasts, though, i have a feeling i'm going to be hooked.

go give it a listen, okay? let me know what you think.