rainy day bbq

yesterday we had our first barbeque of the season. we've had a terribly rainy week up in here northwest washington, but sunday was supposed to be nice. when we woke up, there was a whole lot of sun and my little family and i set to work in the backyard. our back patio was covered with the remains of a plum tree that inexplicably split itself in half at the end of last summer, and our yard qualifies at a nature preserve at this point. the grass is so tall you can lose a toddler out there. we have a path cut out to the compost heap, but that's about it. we got the patio all cleared off, the outside table scrubbed free of mold and gunk (that was my fun job), and the smoker/grill all set up. then the rain started! lucky for us, we have a pop-up canopy, so we just hung out under that all day. it was a small barbeque anyway; just us, my mom and niece, and a friend of the boy's. we still made way too much food, and sent some home with mom. i have to say, it's fun being able to send her home with leftovers instead of the other way around.

we've been playing around with our smoker, and probably will have a lot more in the way of family get togethers so we can feed people our experiments. so far we've made pizza, pork and beef ribs, and turkey legs. beef ribs weren't our favorite; the taste was good, but the ratio of meat to bone is sad. i love the turkey legs; they look all prehistoric and ridiculous, but a long cooking breaks down much of the connective tissue, and they don't need much in the way of seasoning. an simple overnight brine and they are good to go. my outdoor pizza technique needs some work, but the pizzas themselves were tasty. one time we made pork ribs with a random rub, and even though they were way too salty, they still got eaten, which is a testament to how awesome pork is. D found a website with a lot of modifications you can make to a simple grill like ours to maximize its efficiency, and we've used some of the tips. we still have some mods to make, but so far we've got a good thing going. maybe you'll come over this summer and help us try out a new recipe or two...

so much going on

this weekend was pleasantly busy. i went to the island on saturday morning, to go to the farmer's market with my mom and aunt (and maggie!). after that, we poked about town, getting ready for a dinner over at my aunt's house later. it was a very informal affair, and pretty much exactly what i needed. we spent the night looking at old photos of my uncle, talking about him, catching up. mom and i had to leave a little earlier than we wanted because maggie was a bit overstimulated, but i was glad to get to spend some time with my people. today was the formal wake, which was a service held at the local VFW. most of the guests came dressed in flannel shirts; if there was one thing my uncle loved, it was a well-worn flannel plaid. it was nice to look out over the crowd and see all the shirts. the service was short and sweet, and i think what made me cry the most was when my cousin's son crawled up into her lap and started kissing her because she was crying. i remember maggie taking my sister's face in her hands at the funeral and saying over and over, "no crying, mama, no crying" while kissing her. it must be bewildering for a kid to see a parent so sad. in all, it was a nice but bittersweet weekend. after the service, D and i took maggie to the park to play for a while before filling her with a cinnamon roll and taking her home.

in other news, important news, weird news, the wedding has been postponed. not called off! and this honestly isn't one of those "let's stall for a while before we can really break up" sort of things. i have some financial things that need to be sorted out (i.e. DEBT), and after a few long, productive, mildly freaky conversations, we both agree that waiting until i get that settled is for the best. i meet with a lawyer soon to start hammering things out, and after that gets going, we'll set another date. when we first starting talking about this, i was pretty angry. i think that's a normal reaction, and i was worried that this meant that D didn't really want to marry me. even if you're waiting for all the right reasons, and being prudent and responsible, saying that you're putting things on hold isn't any one's first choice, i don't think. i admit i was shallow enough to also be worried about what my mother would think, and my friends and family, but the response has been great. i still love D, i still want to be his wife, but i also want to protect his assets and make sure that we don't start our marriage running from creditors. taking care of this now also means when the kids go to college (and one isn't that far off) we'll be in a better place to help them out, which is important to me. if i had thought in college (when i accrued this dismal debt) that it would make my wedding have to wait, i might not have been such a jackass with my credit cards. although to be honest, in college i wasn't sure i'd ever grow up and get married, and i thought i'd have a job that paid more by now. c'est la vie, dudes. the good news is i have a lot more time to make all manner of crafty decorations for the wedding, and that dress i'm not totally in love with doesn't have to be my wedding dress anymore. i feel really good about our decision. in a weird way, i feel closer to D too. this could have been a gigantic fight, a clusterfuck of epic proportions, nothing but hurt feelings and pride; but we worked it out together. like the team we are.

i'm still here

you can be a crazy feminist and love mickey avalon at the same time, right? because i looove mickey avalon, but also rage against shaving my legs and losing my hyphenated last name in marriage. i can't help that i love his dirty rapping! i'm telling you, there's more than one 15 yr old boy living in this house; i let the boychik listen to "my dick" (which is just as ridiculous and raunchy as it sounds) and we giggled like dorks while bobbing our heads.

i made it through a week without crying at work or setting anything on fire. i suppose since it's only thursday i should wait until tomorrow to make that statement, but i like to live my life right on the edge of things, as you can plainly see. my uncle's party-which-shall-not-be-called-a-wake happens this weekend. i'l be glad to be wtih my family for a few days, even if it isn't for the happiest of reasons.

i didn't want to walk today (because for me grief involves couches, beer and long showers), but i have to say, it does me some good to get all stompy and hot and sweaty. my butt hurts, though. my legs seem stronger lately too, which is a weird and awesome feeling. i find that as much as i drag my feet and procrastinate with the exercising, once i'm in the swing of things, and afterward, i feel good. those endorphins health articles are always extolling might actually exist after all. shit, who knew shape had anything of value to offer a girl?

the waiting was truly awful. i spent all day today antsy and on the phone trying to figure out what was going on, but getting nowhere. i slept for shit last night (three hours! maybe four! whoo!) and after i got home mom finally answered the phone and told me what the hell what going on. my uncle passed away at about 8 this morning, with his children and wife by his side. from what i gather, it was as peaceful as it could be.

even though i knew in part of my brain that he wasn't going to get better, the part of me that was still hoping he'd wake up and be fine reacted badly to the news. no matter when someone you love dies; suddenly, or you get some time to anticipate it, you're never really ready, are you?

there are going to be too many women at family holidays now. dammit, guys.

after i got the news, i had a tuna melt with the boychik, then went to bed. i didn't realize how tired i was, and so i read and napped on and off until D got home. there won't be a funeral, per my uncle's wishes, so a party will be organized in it's place. i don't think anyone wants to call it a wake, but that's pretty much what it is. i would just like to hide out in bed for a few more days, but i'm not sure that's an option.

my uncle was awesome. he gave me my first real job, at his bead store. he helped me pick out my first car. he was funny and smart and had a wicked sense of humor. he was madly in love with my aunt. he was my pop's best friend. they met in the navy and cobbled together a family; both were far away from their own, but saw something in each other that they recognized. i don't remember he or my aunt not being a part of my life. they've always been supportive of me, and it always made me so proud that we got to be part of the same family. uncle john always made me feel smarter, and way more talented than i probably am. when i was a teenager, he and my aunt were the grown-ups i looked to for overt advice and guidance. you know how when you're that age and everything your parents say is wrong and dumb and retarded, but you've got an aunt and uncle who can say the same thing and suddenly it doesn't seem so moronic? that was them. when my father passed, my uncle was the most reasonable about it, and oddly comforting. he told me that he knew it sucked, that he knew i was sad and miserable and missing him, but that death was a part of life and that he knew my dad, and knew he was happy with how he had lived his life. he did shots of tequila with me in the kitchen and told me i was going to be okay, and i believed him.

i was okay then, and i'll be okay now, but it doesn't mean i won't miss the hell out of both of them.

this tuesday night i got a call that my uncle was in the ICU. that morning he'd fallen into a coma after his kidneys and liver started shutting down. what they thought was MDS and perhaps cirrhosis of the liver was actually a fast acting, aggressive liver cancer. there was a tumor that essentially shut the blood supply to his liver and kidneys off. it happened so quickly that he was only lucid and awake for about an hour after being admitted to the hospital. my aunt was worried about telling my mother, sister and me, and so she didn't call us until late that night. my sister and i went to the hospital right away, and my mother drove up from portland that night as well. the next day my uncle's brothers and his daughter flew into town from new york. we knew he hadn't been feeling well, obviously, but the tests he'd been having were all inconclusive or vague at best. the CT scans and MRI's didn't show the cancer, and he had some other health problems that probably clouded his diagnosis. at this point, he's as comfortable as he can be, and we're just all waiting.

the limbo part of this is difficult. on one hand, i'm glad i got to be with him a few more times, on the other hand, the coma makes it impossible to know if he's okay; i worry about him being in pain or uncomfortable. his doctors are amazing, though, and when i saw him tonight he seemed a lot more peaceful than he did that first day. the doctor doesn't think he'll make it through the night, his kidneys have shut all the way down and his breathing is getting slower and slower. this is just very, very lame. to say the least.

cancer can go fuck itself.

(and just so you know, mother's day was super nice. may made me a really pretty ceramic heart that hangs on the wall and holds a flower or note. it's terribly adorable, and the note she put inside just about killed me. awesome! )

honestly...

all this talk of moms and mother's day has got me feeling weird. i am not technically a mom, and the sort of mom i'm going to end up being isn't really very june cleaver-y. if i'd just gotten pregnant and had kids, though, would i have been an ordinary mom? is there really any such thing?

sometimes i'm sad that i didn't become a mom in a normal, getting-pregnant-having-a-baby kind of way. other days, i love the kids enough that i forget i didn't grow them myself. they both refer to me as a "parent" and that's pretty fucking awesome for a girl who was seriously plotting her crazy cat lady phase.

i guess when it comes right down to it, i love them and they love me and who cares if i'm not a MOM-mom. i'm okay. they're okay. we have a home we're all happy to come back to, and dinner is our favorite part of the day. whatever is going on, it works. i need to stop over thinking it and just relax. i forget that no one gets to pick their kids, and no one gets to pick their mom. we're not a normal family, but whatever we are, i'm thrilled with. yeah, i'm not a mom-mom, i never grew a baby inside me, and the kids have a bio-mom out there somewhere, but the kids are awesome and well-adjusted, so i'm going to count that as a success.

insert foot in mouth, remove, use to kick ass

oh facebook, you fickle mistress. i posted some wise-ass comment about sandra bullock's new brown baby, and how ridiculous it was they dressed him up in beads, because you know, he's not actually from africa, and my future sister-in-law took offense and sent me an email about it. granted, she's a white woman with a brown baby too, and i think she thought i was making fun of the brown part of the photo, when really i was irritated at the beads and the whole "exotic baby as awesome new fashion accesory" attitude of the elite/famous. her question was "would you have made that comment if the baby were white?" and i said, "if that baby was white, there wouldn't have been any beads." i let her know that (and pointed out that thanks to having a brown pop, i am actually browner than she might realize), and i *think* she's less irriated with me, but DAMN. i started the day on an asshole note, let's hope i clean up my act by this afternoon when anne and henry gets here.

in other news, anne and henry are on a train on their way here as we speak! i'm excited to have them up for a few days. i plan on stuffing them full of food, showing them around, crafting like crazy old ladies, and then sending them home with cookies. i'm sad my man tiernan has to stay home, but he and his dad are probably going to enjoy their staycation.

on that note, i'm going to go clean the house so i don't give henry too many opportunities to poke his eyes out with something sharp, or put something filthy in his mouth. he's a smart three year old, but my house is kind of a mess.

nope. no. nuh-uh. no way.

does anyone else out there feel an intense feeling of shame when people mention an ex? i dated a guy for a while, not very seriously, and long enough ago that it really shouldn't bother me that he exists*, but whenever anyone mentions him i'm all "NO, i don't remember that." fingers-in-ears, "la la la laaa..." or else i cringe and turn bright red and think "really?! i thought he was a good idea?" i can even be all myself, get an email from a friend mentioning said unmentionable, and suddenly i'm blushing and my stomach is churning and i'm just so ridiculously embarrassed. which i guess is just proof that some people look better with a thin film of love/lust/beer smeared across my glasses. i can't figure out now what i saw in them then, but give me a six pack and a sappy movie and maybe i can recreate the emotion or reasoning. (or lack thereof.)

you would think that at 32, that sort of shit would just roll off me like water off a duck's back.* then i remember that at heart, i'm still way more 15 than i care to admit. dammit.

*i know you've got an ex that infuriates you with their continued existence. i can't be the only one thinking "how dare you?!"

**actual quote taken from an actual boy i used to make-out with in college. he ended up being slightly crazy and alcoholic and was an early entry on my list of "oh my god what was i thinking?"

trust me, it was delicious

even though i have no photo to show you! this recipe makes enough soup to feed four people, if they have a sandwich to go with and one of them isn't a 15 year boy. anyone who has one of those knows that there is never enough soup!

Curried Sweet Potato, Carrot and Coconut Milk soup

• one medium size sweet potato, peeled and cut into small-ish chunks
• two small or one medium carrot, peeled and cut into chunks about the same size as the sweet potato
• half a small onion, diced
• one can coconut milk
• two cups broth of your choice (chicken, veggie or water)
• splash of olive oil
• 1 1/2 to 2 tbs curry powder (depends on how you like it)
• 1/8 tsp of cayenne pepper (or more if you like)
• 1 tsp cumin
• 1 tsp ginger
• 1 tsp cardamom (at least, that's what i'm pretty sure was in that bag! it wasn't labeled.)
• salt and pepper

heat oil in bottom of heavy pan (or your soup pan). when it's hot, add the onions and cook until translucent. add liquid (broth or water), chopped veggie and spices. cover and simmer until veggies are soft, about 25 to 35 minutes. remove from heat, add can of coconut milk and use your immersion blender to blend it all down until it's as smooth or chunky as you like. taste and adjust seasoning (the coconut milk will sweeten and thicken the soup a bit, so if it seems kind of salty now, that's okay! remember, you can always add more curry, but you can't add less.). serve with a nice salad, or my new favorite thing, grilled pita wedges.

so ridiculously good! i made this recipe when i came home from work today, because there was some sort of curried coconut soup at work today that smelled amazing. it was a little pricey though, and i thought, "ooh, i can try to make that." so i did, although i didn't make too much because the kids and D don't really dig on indian curry. that being said, they all ate it up, and we have absolutely no leftovers. whoo! that always makes me feel like a rockstar.

blink, blink

at the hospital i work at, there's a woman in our department that i always thought was more like me than some of the others. we're about the same age, we both wear glasses, she likes the same kind of music i do, etc. evidently, though, i was kinda wrong about one thing: she's pretty seriously religious. i was telling my mom a story about how i figured this out, and how i didn't realize she was a proper, god-fearing, church-going woman until just recently. what i actually said was, "she doesn't look religious." that made her giggle and she asked how how she didn't look it, and i stuttered and said, "well, you know, she kind of looks like me." mom thought this was ridiculous and i learned i'm not the poster girl for atheistic aestheticism. dammit.

here's what made me realize how different we are; i was telling a story about how i won a gift certificate to a local restaraunt on the radio, and when i called home to see if the boychik had heard me i found that he wasn't actually listening to that station. which was odd, because that's normally what he does when he comes home from school, and of course the one day i'm on the radio winning shit, he's listening to something else. that something would be the black sabbath CD i put in his easter basket.

"you put what in his basket?!"
"a black sabbath cd! it was funny, and he's been wanting some sabbath."
"that's not funny."
"it's totally funny! black sabbath on easter sunday? it's hilarious!"
*crickets chirp, stink eye is given*

when i tried pointing out that sabbath isn't satanic, i got nothing but a blank stare. but come on! black sabbath on easter sunday is comedy gold! jeez. i guess it's a good thing i know she's not like me, because i bet telling her about buying the boychik a copy of the satanic bible wouldn't win me any points either. crazy.

heel, toe...

i signed up to participate in a marathon today. granted, i'm only walking the half-marathon, but still. my name was (is) on some serious paperwork that says i will be doing a marathon. when did i become this girl?! what the hell is going on? i won't run to catch the phone in the privacy of my own home, much less run or hustle my ass with anyone watching. physical exertion in public is something i avoid only slightly less than peeing my pant in public. truth be told, both ideas are terrifying to me. i don't want to be known at the woman who peed her pants any more than i want you to see the weird way my legs bend outward when i run.

what made me decide to associate myself with a marathon is that for this particular one you train in teams, and you get a coach to help you work up to being in the race. which means i'll get help getting into shape, from professionals who hopefully won't let me do something that will kill me either with a heart attack or death by embarrassment. it also raises money for leukemia and lymphoma research, and i like the idea of not only getting in better shape, but helping out a worthwhile cause at the same time. i'm honestly surprised at myself for going to tonight's meeting; i've already gone farther with this than i thought i would. it's a nice idea, me walking 13.1 miles with a bunch of other people, raising money to help fight against a cancer that made my pop sick, and maybe getting myself into better shape at the same time. no one would ever accuse me of being terribly ambitious, especially when it comes to exercise, but i feel optimistic about this. maybe with three awesome things going for it, this is something i can stick with and do. perhaps i can hide my ridiculous gait in a herd of other walkers and runners, maybe in a group i won't be so self-conscious. i suppose we'll see!

while i'm here, if you do any considerable walking or running, what kind of shoes do you like? i started doing some research on good walking shoes, and was quickly overwhelmed.

a few hippie things

• we're going to give up buying paper towels. yes, they are handy and useful and all that, but they are also wasteful and expensive. there is no shortage of kitchen towels in this house, and so we're going to start using them more.
• there has been talk lately about us becoming a one car family. this scares the shit out of me for a few reasons, but the idea of spending less on gas, insurance and maintenance is pretty compelling. we could also use the small amount of money we got from selling one of the cars for savings and to get us out of some debt. nothing is set in stone yet, but it feels good to consider our options.
• D got some books about making his own awesome bikes, a lá atomic zombie, and now all we can talk about are making recumbent, low-rider, chopper bikes. (and trikes! i want a trike for shopping.)
• as always, we're trying to cut back on tv as well. i know, "why don't you just cancel the cable?" honestly? sometimes i really like watching tv. i have a few shows i really dig, and i like being able to knit/embroider/veg in front of the box on occasion. i guess i'm just trying to keep it all in moderation, and so far it's going okay.
  

what in the blog?!

i recently broke up with twitter. not that anyone, including twitter, actually cared. i will admit, though, it felt good to break up with a social networking site that i just felt guilty about ignoring. i kind of feel like doing the same to facebook, but i like that my future mother-in-law is on there and i can send her dorky messages.

easter came and went and we ate lamb of god, latkes, and too much queso. i know, it was a weird meal. having it in my mom's newly remodeled house though, was awesome. she knocked down the kitchen walls, making the living/dining/cooking area a lot more open and comfortable to hang out in. she's also got swanky stainless appliances, an oak kitchen floor dyed red (!) and a lot more open space. it feels good to hang out there. this might be the last holiday she hosts for a while, and i don't blame her. since pop died she's done a lot to try to make holidays feel "normal," but i think it's time she was off the hook. holidays aren't like they used to be, and that is okay. if she wants to be the hosted rather than the hostess, then i say yay!

mom bought me some cool books about wedding planning as well, which made me realize just how far behind i really am. i have five months! maybe i should get to making invites and stuff. i have a lot of ideas for things i want to make for the wedding, and one of the books has a great place to set up a time line, so i'm going to try to be more organized. we'll see how that goes!

(up above is the very first lino cut i've ever made! i want to make some bunting for hanging up around the farm at the reception, and on some of the flags i'm going to stamp some acorns. i hope. i have to try this out and see how it works!)

spring forward

i keep saying i'm going to build my bookcase and move some stuff around, but it keeps not happening. instead, today i got a lot of things besides that done. i mopped the kitchen, i did a million loads of laundry, i made the bed with fresh, clean sheets, i went to costco with D, and i finished a pair of socks. those socks right up there. they're made with the leftover bits of yarn i had from all those shawlettes i made. i would have never set out to knit these socks with these colors, but i wanted to use up the leftovers, and you can never have enough pairs of socks. never. what's sick and wrong about this, though, is that now that i've finished a pair i want to cast on for another right this second. my brain is convinced that my sock needles can't just stay bare for a night or two! no, i must start a new pair right now. i'm going to do my best to resist the urge.

the bookcase might not be up, but i did get a lot more done today than i thought was possible. i was kind of making up for saturday, which i spent all hungover and stupid. i am too old for hangovers. i really can't do anything when i feel so shitty, and i did indeed feel shitty yesterday. vodka and i are friends, but we might need to take a little break. plus, i swear my mom only comes over when i'm hungover and i'm beginning to think she might think i have a problem. good times! there's nothing like a mother contemplating her daughter's possible dependence on booze.

and now my dears, i'm going to don a pair of medical gloves i swiped from work, and see if the black light i bought at home depot will show me which of my yarns are covered in mouse pee. wish me luck.

we. are. fam-il-y.

"i got all my sisters and me!"

spent a lot of time talking with both my sister and my mother tonight. there's a good reason we're all related. no matter how much i want to think i'm my own woman i know i am both a product of history and a result of it. it's funny to see how we pass it on as well...especially with my niece. she's the best reflection of us anyone could ask for. a better, sweeter, blonder version of ourselves doesn't exist. our ridiculous neurosis are also evident as well; she actually told me tonight she doesn't want to visit tomorrow because she's "covered in pimples." of course, she isn't, but she has a strange version of her physical self. my sister says she thinks goosebumps are pimples, and there's no talking her out of it. i finally convinced my niece that even if she were covered in pimples, that we're family, and we want to see her regardless.

i found out tonight that my one and only, and favorite, uncle is sick. he's got something that's not quite leukemia, as well as a funky spot on his liver. he's sick, for sure, but in good spirits. it's early in his diagnosis, and there's a good chance we can all contribute a little bone marrow or a liver lobe in order for him to feel better. i won't lie to you, it's been a little less than a year since my father passed, and this news hits me hard. i'm optimistic, but i was the same way when pop got sick, and if there's one thing i learned, it's that you can't will a person to get better. i don't believe in much, but if you want to send out good vibes for my uncle, i'll be thankful.

whew

all this unpacking and moving stuff around is quite exhausting. i'm not even remotely done, either. in fact, i'm sucking at staying focused. hence the blogging. i did get my old dresser into my room, and clear out the dresser i acquired from a co-worker for the girlchild. now we all have dressers! except the boychik, who prefers his clothes in random piles.

had a follow-up eye exam, and discovered that the contacts, not my eyes, were to blame for the weird dryness. the ones i have in now are so much more comfortable it's not even funny. i just thought my eyes were weird, because you know, i'm a little bit of a hypochondriac. it couldn't possibly be the contacts, it has to be some eye disease that's gone undiagnosed!

while it feels really good to have my stuff, i do wish a had a lot less of it. back to the unpacking for me!

speed and i are not friends,

but i need the sudafed because whatever is growing in my sinuses has a voracious appetite for pain. the longest i went between doses today was 8 hours, and near the end i didn't want any more, i wanted to sleep (amend that to present tense, dear, i want to sleep), but the pain in my head was too much. i took some, and now i am awake, my heart is jackrabbity, and i actually said the following things out loud today while dosed:

"my brain is all fertile with creative shit!"
"what a nice young juggalo."
"guess who's a landowner, bitches?!"

i went to work today which was good for me a in lot of ways. money being way #1. it wasn't terribly taxing, and now i'm back into my long weekend. for some reason my schedule was wonky, and the other patient coordinator was on deck for tomorrow. i could use the day to recoup; while i didn't die at work, or even pass out, i have hours that feel okay if sleepy, hours of crazy sped-up me after the little red pills, and that ridiculous "i'm too hot!" or "i'm too cold!" argument going on with my body. i discovered that another coworker had this same ailment, and while he was a lot tougher than me and worked right through most of it, the weird body-temp thing and aches stay around for a while. hooray.

i do have all sorts of creative ideas a' brewing up in my head. i can't get the new broken bell's song out of my head, so at night after everyone else is in bed and i'm still up, i listen to it on repeat on youtube and work on stuff. most of what i'm working on at the moment is just planning stages stuff, and to be honest, most of it is wedding stuff. working out what we need to get, what i want to do, time lines and lists and sketches! such fun stuff. the house is too full of unorganized things that are right in the way and threatening to trip, maim or infect us for me to do much at the moment; i'm hoping tomorrow i can at least get boxes into the garage, and start the giant "garage sale" pile.

late tonight D and i snuck out to jack in the box for chicken tenders, to go with our wing sauce (of course), and the nice young man who helped us had a name tag on that said "juggalo." part of the reason we like that jack in the box so much is that the night crew is ridiculous and funny and genuinely seem to enjoy that weird shift, and you see the most interesting kids there. D and i argued about whether or not our fine young juggalo looked like a little steve perry or no, and while i say the world would be a better place with a little more steve perry in general, D didn't see it. then i told him about this extremely NSFW clip on the youtubes concerning juggalos just today that sort of made our being served by Mr. Juggalo seem like fate.

before the high wears off, i did indeed become a landowner today as i inherited some land on the rez from my pop. actually, it's on more than one rez, but all in one state. pop said there was maybe enough there for him to be buried standing up, but evidently my half is almost 300 acres. way to undersell it pop! no word yet on whether it's inhabitable, valuable, or what our options are. i know he didn't make money on it, but i also don't recall him having to pay taxes on it. being that i am not a very good indian, i honestly don't know much more than that at this point, i just like bragging about how much land i own. even if it's swamp land or a parcel of hell, it's mine, and it's got an impressive number on it. more research needs to be done!

i'm going to go lie wide awake next to D now for a while until his snoring drives me to the couch. normally the snoring doesn't bug me, but while on cold medication i find it unbearable. mainly because it's like his nose bragging that he can't sleep and i can't. sleep tight my darling juggalos. (and you too!)

packing and unpacking all sorts of baggage

today was my pop's birthday. i remember last year he didn't want to celebrate; he kind of blew us all off, and when my sister tried to at least make a dinner out of it, he shot her down and she was pretty pissed. if we'd known then that he only had a month to live, would things have been different? i guess that's why we don't know. reasonably, i know that's how it should be, but i can't help but wonder and wish i'd done more for his birthday.

this year i was supposed to see my mom and sister and have dinner in pop's honor at his favorite little restaurant in coupeville, the tyee. he always got the fish and chips and an MGD, draught. i couldn't go, thanks to this retched cold/flu/plague i have. it would have been nice.

as it is, i spent the day alternately napping, sweating, and opening up random boxes to see what i had in them. i've always known i take a lot of photos, but my pre-digital days gives those photos an actual heft and physical space. i found more than a few photos of pop, and honestly, being able to hold a photo in your hand feels totally different than looking at it on a computer screen. i think i'd forgotten that. i'm sad. it's been almost a year now, and while i don't feel like i'm being punched in the gut all the time anymore, i don't feel great. there were more than a few changes in the past year, and there's a part of me that's still reeling from that, and a part of me that's gotten a whole lot better at adapting. at this point, however sad i feel, i can see things getting better. let's face it, the past few years i've been in a bit of a funk, and i've acquired a couple of bad habits that i'm going to need to kick. sugar and TV being high up on my list. i'd do anything to have pop back, but not having him, and losing him so suddenly, shook me up. i don't want to waste any more time. i don't want any more boxes of stuff languishing for years, i don't want to keep getting rounder and unhappier with my body, i don't want to be afraid to put down roots and deal with grown-up shit, i don't want to be who i am right now. which isn't to say that i'm entirely unhappy with myself, but i know i can do better. looking at those photos, looking at the life i'd built at one time, before i started doubting myself and everything else, made me realize in very clear terms what's changed in my life. i think the more i've tried to mold my life into what i think the "right" thing to do is, what i "should" be doing, the farther away from me i've become.

perhaps this is all hocus pocus, sinus-infection, ramblings of a sickly woman, but i might also be onto something. more making, less talking. more doing and creating and enjoying, and less living up in my own head, analyzing every damn thing to death. more! thank you. i'll be taking my sudafed and heading to bed now.

please make it stop hurting

dear lord, my body aches. i have some sort of cold that is kicking my ass. it started monday night; right after we got home from getting my stuff out of storage (!!!). my back had been hurting me for a few days, and i thought maybe all the lifting and moving had just exacerbated it, until i got the wicked chills. for the past 24 hours it's felt like my body can't regulate its own body temp; for the first 12 or so hours i couldn't get warm. there i was on the couch, in sweatpants, with long socks, a t shirt and a hoodie sweatshirt on, laying on a heating pad and cuddling a hot water bottle, covered in three blankets, and i was still cold. yesterday afternoon that broke and i couldn't stop sweating for a few hours. a tepid bath helped calm that down, but now i'm at a point where i'm too hot if i'm under the covers, but if i so much as a poke a hand out i'm covered in goosepimples. what the fuck. my bones ache. the skin over my bones aches. i'm terribly thirsty. my sinuses are so packed with god-knows-what that if i tilt my head forward i get that lovely blinding pain behind my eyes. in short, i'm pretty sure i'm dying. it got so bad yesterday i actually called my coworker to see if he thought i should go to the ER. he didn't; evidently he had something a lot like this with more coughing a few weeks ago. ugh.

but you know, if any of these symptoms seems freaky to you and you have a different opinion, feel free to let me know.

in the meantime, i'm busy either sleeping on the couch or in bed. our living room is packed to the gills with all my stuff, which is now, once and for all, out of storage. mousies got into some of it, but i don't think the damage is too bad. if we all get the hanta virus, though, i'm going to be pissed. the kids have been having a grand old time going through my stufff; they think it's cool and have been showing it all to their friends. it's very sweet and touching. they've also been huggy and sweet to me; making sure i have jello and juice and asking me how i am every half hour. such nice kids. i got really lucky.

sitting up for almost an hour has drained me. i was hoping to go to work today, but i don't think it's going to happen. it's also my pop's birthday, and i wanted to go have dinner with my mom tonight as well. damn you cold. i guess i'll wait and see how i feel and go from there. i think right now, though, i need to be back on the couch with the cat.

it's a good thing mom got rid of those medical encyclopedias

because for the past three days i've been thirstier than usual, and at 3 a.m. this morning i realized i might have diabetes. or i might have been eating meals with sodium contents the equivalent of a bovine salt lick. or something else not life-threatening. i'm such a weirdo.

i'm also going to go look for some new eyeglasses today, which thrills me. i love buying new glasses! i also think i need a little amanda-time, and no one likes tagging along with someone buying glasses, so i've just assured myself a few hours alone. there are some betsey johnson frames i saw at costco that i love, but they might be a little too funky for everday wear. i think doing some more looking won't hurt, and if it just reaffirms my love for all things betsey, then that is okay too.

tomorrow we're renting a truck and getting all my stuff out of storage! i haven't seen anything in there in over two years; to say i'm excited is an understatement. sure, most everything in there i could have re-purchased for far less than i spent on the goddamn storage fees, but there are things in there that i couldn't buy. like some of my pop's teeth, as well as my own wisdom teeth. my creepy homemade dolls. my terrible artwork. my tiny formica table. all the yarns and fabrics! my cameras. my journals full of teen angst. ooh, i can hardly wait. this week will be one of massive does of nostalgia. watch out.

proof that i really have no idea what i'm doing

the girlchild took up basketball. in a lot of ways this is awesome; she's learning the ropes, getting to run around like a crazy kid a few hours a week, working out team dynamics, and having a good time. she's also a competitve girl, and i think sports are a great way for her to express that.

the thing is, i really hate basketball. all by itself, it's not a sport i enjoy, in any way; watching, playing, or hearing about it, i just hate it. while i'm all for taking her to practice and going to games, i find myself all jaw clenchy and irritated by the time they're done. the incessant smacking of the ball against the wood floor, the shrieks of pre-teen girls, all the "likes" and "ums" and older teen sisters talking about stupid shit and wearing the same skinny jeans and converse...it's all very, very annoying to me. i bring my knitting with me, so i have something to work on, and if i have to go to practice i listen to my ipod. i find it hard to feign interest in the game, and trying to remain supportive and smiley is hard work at times.

she knows i don't love basketball, but i do make sure to let her know that if she digs it, that's all i need to know. i'll take her to games and practice, make sure her little uniform is clean, and have dinner ready for her early, but is it so wrong to wish she was a mathlete?

why did the mean pea cross the road?

to use up all my health insurace!

okay, not really. in mean pea news: i saw another orthopedist, and he told me that indeed, there was more messed up in my hand than simply a ganglion cyst. however, he was pretty sure that my messed up palm wasn't dupuytren's contracture. it's more of a generalized fascia contracture, meaning that for some reason the tissue in that area of my palm is scarring and thickening, causing pain and pressure. dupuytren's usually occurs under or around a tendon, though, resulting in an awesome claw hand, and my fascia contracture seems to be not affecting the tendons of my hand. it's totally beginning to press upon my carpal tunnel, though. whoo! hence the burning pain down my wrist and occasional hand weakness.

he told me that they could operate on my hand and get rid of the pea and try to reduce the scarring and thickness of my palm. he also told me that the surgery to get rid of the scar tissue often just causes a lot more scar tissue, and that one of the only ways to allieviate that was to leave me with an open fucking incision (i added the f-bomb), and let the scar work it's way up through my flesh and heal there. my hand wouldn't be a claw, but it would be all frankenstein-y. because the mean pea showed up after the fascia contracture, he thinks they're related, and just going in and removing the pea probably won't do that much good, since it will most likely grow back, only bigger and meaner this time.

what does all this mean? it means that the appointment the ortho made with the hand surgeon i cancelled. honestly, three doctor's appointments in as many weeks used all pretty much all of my health care benefits for the year. the kids better not get polio, is all i'm saying. from everything i've read and everything the doctor's have told me, my best bet is to wait until my hand becomes an unbearable nightmare, and then operate on it. in the meantime, i'm still working it out, still knitting and typing and making sure not to bump the mean pea into anything because that hurts like a sonofabitch, still a bit achey, but glad i at least know what's going on. the mean pea is relieved to know he gets to hang around for a few more years, and now i have a lot of medical terminology to throw around like i know what it means. we all win a little! although i think the pea makes out best in this situation. asshole.

lesson in FAIL

i guess this morning i thought it would be really fun to be uncomfortable all day. i put on a pair of shoes that are pretty uncomfortable; they haven't been properly broken in, and on top of that they're heavy. right this second they are pinching my toes and heel as well as weighing 85 pounds. i'm also wearing my new contacts, which are uncomfortable on so many levels. for one, my face is all naked. when i see myself in the mirror all i can think is "damn! that's a lot of face!" there are no glasses to push up my nose, so when i try, i end up poking myself around the bridge of my nose. the prescription is also new, leaving me feeling slightly seasick. the ground keeps coming up to meet me, and my stupid heavy feet aren't quick enough to get out of the way. if i somehow manage to not trip over myself today it will be a miracle.

the good news is that i got to sleep in this morning until 7 a.m. and that, my friends, was awesome.

aaah! i'm naked!

if you thought you were going to get to see boobs, sorry! that should have said, "aaah! my face is naked!" had a visit with the nice eye doctor at costco (if you have a membership i would like to highly recommend their services; not too expensive, they took my insurance, and the eye doc i got was surprisingly bullshit free. he didn't try to talk me into anything!), and got a pair of contacts to try out. as most of you know, i don't wear contacts. i used to, but i gave them up almost ten years ago, because my eyes always felt dry and weird. in fact, today i had that same experience! curious. although i think it's because 1) i'm out of practice and 2) the new prescription is going to take some getting used to. i'm not going to wear them everyday, but i would like to be able to wear them on occasion. like, maybe when i get married.

this is where i waffle. on the one hand, i'm very much "dude, i'm blind, i wear glasses, whatever." D met me in glasses. he thought then (and thinks now) that i'm foxy in them, but he thinks i'm foxy out of them as well. on the other hand, i feel like there's this idea that women who wear glasses normally should try to dress up for their weddings, and this usually means replacing their glasses with contacts. not many pretty-pretty princesses are shown in eyewear, just like not a lot of brides are shown with four eyes. my glasses are a part of my face, and they have been since i was 11. the few years i wore contacts i still always felt like a girl who wore glasses, like a bit of a fraud without them on. today my face felt naked and weird, and i had nothing to fiddle with or clean. my wedding will probably be nerve-wracking enough, do i really want to do it with a naked face? i guess we'll see.
in non-feminist wedding musings, here's a photo of one of the things i got D for valentine's day. yeah, i don't buy into all that commercial bullshit, honest, but i like being able to buy him weird or funny things anyway, so why not use this holiday as an excuse? plus, he is sort of my valentine, so there's that. it's this neat little cookbook i found at a used book store, called maverick sea fare. it's a caribbean cookbook, but so much more than that. it's all hand-drawn and lettered, as you can see, and has these charming illustrations on every page. it's also a bit of a journal, documenting a woman's life on board a chartered sailboat, as a wife and cook. there are quite a few funny little stories, hints and tips for living aboard a boat, along with all the recipes. at the time it was first published, in 1977, some of the ingredients weren't part of everyday american cooking and were seen as fairly exotic. now, of course, it's not too strange to see pineapple and fish together, or cashews migrating from the nut bowl to the dinner table. i admit, i bought this as much for D as i did for myself. he loves boats, he loves sailing and cooking, and i loved living on a boat. it's a secret fantasy we have, of building a catamaran and doing chartered tours to make money and spending the rest of our time sailing the seas and making awesome meals. well, he'll build the boat, but i'll cheer him on, and i'm all for sailing around and waking up in the morning to have coffee on the deck, getting cozy in our berths at night, and seeing new places. of course, i also kinda want to do this in an RV (old school, like an airstream) too. when we talk about it, we refer to it as our "caravan years;" after the kids are out of the house and set up on their own, we want to live a little nomadically for a while. doesn't that sound nice? it's a bit early to plan for that, but i can't help but indulge in thinking about it on occasion.

trying something new

while reading one of my favorite webcomics, inkdick (how can you not love the name?!) i came upon this idea, which came via this blog. in short; you make ten goals a day, then check them off as you finish them. you pick a time period (a week, months, years?), and you graph your productivity. i like the idea. it combines lists with stars* and getting things done. i made my list this afternoon, and so far have gotten 5 of the 10 things done.

one of those things was to make a small drawing. i worked on acorn drawings, and am thinking about making my own rubber stamp for our wedding invitations. i was thinking an address stamp would make all the, well, addressing, easier. plus, there a million lovely custom stamps on etsy, and i never need much of an excuse/reason for shopping on etsy. i'm not sure my stamp carving skills are all that great, seeing as i've never actually made a stamp, so perhaps i'll get a good design and talk one of those crafty etsy kids into making it up for me. so many ideas!

remind me tomorrow to put watching an episode of the simpsons on my list. i'm pretty sure i can get that done.

*i don't think the official idea has anything to do with stars, but i want to make a big chart where i give myself stars for being awesome.

aaargh

the news on my mean pea is dubious. i went to see and orthopedic surgeon yesterday, and evidently i might have bigger problems than the pea. i had some xrays done, and learned that my pea does, in fact, look like a pea under there. that was sort of cool, and i really wish i'd brought my camera into the exam room with me! damn.

the thing is, i have this funny crease in my palm that showed up about four years ago. when it appeared, i noticed my hand lost some strength and was sore. every doctor i saw since then i showed it to, and they all said, "hmmm" and shrugged and left it at that. i bought one of those weirdo hand-squeezey-things to work on my strength and that was that. the pea showed up a few years later, and when i showed that to the doctor, he said that the pea was probably under my skin for a while, causing the crease, before it came to the surface, and that once the pea (thought to be a ganglion cyst) was excised, everything would go back to normal.

now the doctor isn't sure if the crease and pea are even related. he thinks the crease is dupuytren's contracture. this would mean the tissues in the crease are thickening and shortening the tendons in my palm, and will eventually pull my thumb and forefinger into a claw position and i'll be unable to straighten them. without surgery, that is. evidently this is very rare in someone my age without any injury, and it's also rare to have my thumb and forefinger affected. before they know what is, though, i have to go in for more tests. they'll probably do an MRI (ha ha), and i have to see another surgeon for a consult.

the good news is that if it is dupuytren's, we caught it early enough that surgery will help. the pea will still need to come out, but they aren't sure if it is a true ganglion cyst or some weird after effect of the contracture. either way, the surgery on my hand will likely be a bit more complicated and take me out of commission a bit longer. awesome! until then, i'll continue to take photos of the pea, who is now kind of weirded about by the fact that he might not be biggest issue.

saturday hijinks

the boychik and i headed out to the la conner flats to put down the deposit for sept. 18th. this means that we are indeed getting married in september! i wasn't terribly afraid of losing our date, since i'd let them know we wanted to reserve it and the folks that run the la conner flats are amazing, but i wanted them to know we were serious. i wanted to make sure we locked the date down, just in case someone else got the grand idea that they were going to get married there on our weekend.

we also went book shopping, and i found some neat boat ones for D, to give him for valentine's day. i also finished a knitting project, got it blocked and am waiting for it to dry so i can take some new photos of it. now i want to tidy up the sewing room a bit more, listen to some podcasts, and get some more knitting done. mean pea be dammed!

cut it out

meet my mean pea. it's a ganglion cyst, formerly known as a bible cyst. it lives between the thumb and forefinger of my left hand. i've had it for a long time, although for a few years it was just a weird crease on my palm; it took a while for the cyst itself to work its way up to the surface. ganglion cysts aren't dangerous or cancerous, they're normally just annoying. you can smash them with something heavy and get rid of them (you know, like bibles!), you can wait to see if they go away (many do), or you can see a doctor and have them cut it out of you. either way, unless it affects your range of motion or causes a lot of pain, most doctors suggest just letting them be.

my mean pea is kind of a dick. it makes knitting for longer than half and hour hurt. it sometimes sends a shooting, burning pain from my thumb down to my wrist. if i bump it into anything it hurts like a mother-humper. my grip on that side, while never stellar since i'm a righty, has gotten weaker. i have a hard time opening up jars. i often tell the kids i need help because the pea is acting up. i can't write or type for long periods of time. it looks funny. in short, the mean pea and i are not very good friends.

since i've had it for so long, the doctor thinks it might be time to excise it. i have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon on monday to take a look at it, and while part of me is all, "yay! cut the fucker out!" the part of me that worries just wants to know how much it will cost and whether or not it's even worth it. there's a good chance it'll just come back. of course, having my hand back would also rule, even if it doesn't last forever. before i get all mopey and "why bother" about it, i should probably just see the good doctor and see what they say. who knows, maybe it's not really a cyst, maybe it's a tooth and i can use my one free dental visit to have it removed.

hooray for february!

i can't believe how quickly this year is going past so far! it's like it took a running start or something. january was literally here just a second ago, and now it's gone. *poof*

today is the first day of the second month, and i'm planning on getting some stuff done. to that end, i will be loading the ipod up with podcasts, shutting the computer off, and getting into the shower, post-haste. today i'm hoping to accomplish the following:

• the sewing room needs a good tidy and clean. i can't actually do any sewing in here! my yarn is all kind of hidden, which i think might not be such a good idea. if i can see what i have, i might actually use it, instead of repeatedly buying yarns almost identical to the ones i have at home.
  
• the living room also needs a good once-over. i think the weekend i was in portland it was completely ignored, and as much as i harass the kids to clean up after themselves, sometimes i want it clean the way i want it cleaned. i am such a tyrant.
• pay some bills. boo hiss.
• go someplace new with D to eat. we like to do this on mondays; we find some place we've never tried and go eat lunch there. lunch is usually cheaper than dinner, and we sit and talk about how good/bad the food is, what could be improved, try to guess what the ingredients are, critique the staff and decor, and have a pretty good time. we're dorks, but i'm glad we're dorks together.
  

city love

as a kid growing up on whidbey island, going into the city of seattle was always a big deal. i remember being in the backseat of the car, looking out the window, straining to see the space needle the very second it came into view. i would get this big rush of a feeling, right in my chest, like i'd taken the deepest breath possible and was now ready to explode. seattle was interesting, it was different and new and had people and things and art like i'd never imagined. i always thought i would feel that way only about seattle, and for the most part that's true. however, i have another city that makes me feel much the same way, and that would be portland, or.

i had such a good time this weekend. when i cross the bridge and see the sign that says "entering portland" my chest gets that same feeling i used to have as a kid on my way into the "city," and i get excited about seeing my friends and doing new and different things. portland is in some ways more exciting to me, since i don't know it that well. getting to see my friends is also a huge part of why i love portland so much.

my first full day there, anne got her first tattoo, had her first shot of tequila, helped me try on wedding dresses, and organized a very surprising bachelorette party for me. if that's not the most awesome thing you've ever read, then you are dead inside. then later, after i'd had way more than my allotted share of tequila, i barfed in not one, but all three of the toilets in anne's house! puking makes me feel all shaky and panicy, so when it wouldn't stop (and it wouldn't!), i went upstairs thinking i'd drink some water and lay down on the couch. (my thinking at that point was, "if i'm going to die, i want to do it up there, where i'll be found sooner." i stay in the basement when i visit, because my friends are well aware of my mole-person tendencies.) the water didn't stay down, and i ventured up to the top floor of the house where i knew anne would pat me on the back and work her mom-magic. sometimes, when you're barfing, all you really need is a soothing voice telling you you're going to be fine, and here's a rubber band to pull your hair out of your face. we had a good chuckle too, in between my dry-heaves. evidently i am not as young or as much of a rock-star as i like to think.

and if you don't like to read about food after hearing about puking, then maybe you should stop now.

remember how i said i wanted to eat delicious things? well, that also happened. anne introduced me to bui natural tofu, which is epicly awesome. even if you don't think you like tofu, you will find something there to enjoy. we had the onion tofu, the lemongrass, the meatballs tucked into tofu pillows, and the salad rolls. there wasn't anything there that i didn't enjoy. the staff is also crazy nice and helpful. we had pie at bipartisan, then anne made a cherry and blueberry pie at home the next day. her crust really is the best. i shared my cheesey eggs one morning with henry, and then there was the Unfortunate Incident with The Burrito. the only one of us digested any part of it was aussie, the dog. aside from that, the portland eats were just as good as i hoped!

i came home tired, happy, and inspired to make and do new stuff. it was nice to get out of town for a bit, and it was nice to come home. i have photos of all this over on flickr, if you want to go check it out. there might be photos there of a certain blogger trying on wedding dresses...

things i want to do while in portland

eat something delicious. i'm pretty sure pie is on the menu (hell yeah it is!), and maybe something tasty and of the steamed bun variety?!

look at wedding dresses. i'm actually more and more excited about the idea, oddly enough. in general i've been worrying that it will be hard to find something i like, or that the whole thing will be a lot of disappointmet (like finding an awesome dress, only to have it be way to expensive), but this weekend i get to do it with friends, and that will soften any blow the wedding industry might have in store for me.

read comics with the boys.

maybe do a little yarn/craft shopping. specifically, i want to make this little shawlette, and i need to find some cool yarn to do it with! i've also been really good about not yarn shopping in portland, because i know i'll find a million things i want/need/covet.

i think it will be nice to get out of my house, out of my head a bit, and see people i never get to see! as my boy T puts it, "aunt amanda, a year between visits is too long." true that, little man. i used to go down to portland all the time! i miss it there. it's my kind of town.

ooh, and my little niece turns the big 4 weekend! so i need to get her a present that won't make her mama insane. right now i have this awesome laughing puppy toy for her, but it gets a bit obnoxious after a while, and i don't want to make my sister and her boyfriend crazy!

good morning

most mornings are seriously quiet, and because i get up earlier than everyone else, i don't usually see anyone until the boychild wakes up, which is normally right before i leave. this morning D got up early as well, and when i got out of the shower he was in the kitchen, listening to NPR and puttering around. the boychild was getting ready to head to school, and it was almost time to wake up the girlchild. as i was sitting in the living room, putting on my shoes, the smell of coffee and the sound of the radio reminded me of mornings when i was a kid. pop would be at the kitchen table drinking coffee, mom would be doing her hair and makeup on the other side of the table, the radio between them (and pop sometimes talking back to political news he didn't care for), while my sister and i got ready for school. everyone up and quietly talking, listening to the news, drinking coffee or eating cereal, shaking off sleep. as a kid i always thought it must totally suck to be mom and dad and have to get up so damn early, but this morning i felt good to be that adult, up with D, drinking coffee and waking up. it's nice to have my own little family in the morning.

bits and bobs

i get to go out of town this weekend, which is pretty exciting. i don't think i've left town in far too long, and i'm looking forward to getting to see friends and just goofing off. it's also time to start to actually doing some wedding planning. crazy. the other day i realized i have 8 months to go and maybe i should start trying on dresses and picking out stationary and compiling addresses. D's mom is super excited about the planning, and since she recently helped one of his brothers plan and execute his wedding, she knows a lot about what's in the area. if i think about all the stuff i have to do before someone pronounces us man and wife, i hyperventilate a little, so i'm trying to parse it out into small things; this month i start with the dresses and paper, next month, who knows! food, and decorations. thank goodness we already know where we want to get married. which reminds me, i should really bring them some cash money, so we can indeed actually get hitched there. see! so much to do.

things that will automatically endear you to me

or, i knew i liked you for a reason:

1. you like to take naps. this applies to toddlers, cats and dogs, and friends. although with some folks, we don't nap together so much as we nap in the same room. my co-worker and i plot out our nap schedule early in the day, which is one reason we get along so well.
2. you like to knit/sew/crochet/make stuff. maybe you like to make stuff i can't, like bicycles or souffles, or woodcut illustrations, which means i like you even more and hey? can you show me how to do that?
3. you are a nerdy teenager with a questionable haircut. for some reason, i am a sucker for this. if you are a goth teenager, watch out, because i will try to hug you and make you listen to bauhaus cds with me. they bring out the weird mama-bear instinct in me. goth kids are like catnip!
4. you like comics.
5. you enjoy sneaking beers or cocktails into the movie theater. honestly, just about any and every movie ever made could benefit from a little whiskey or vodka poured into your soda. true story.
6. do you wear red shoes? because those are my favorite shoes, and if you are wearing them, suddenly i find you a lot more likeable.

there's more, of course, but today i was thinking about all the things that make me more likely to decide i like a person. i started thinking about it when i was explaining to someone else why i like my job so much (hint: it has nothing to do with the actual work i do, and more to do with being lucky enough to spend my days with someone pretty like-minded).

WAIT! i forgot to add, if you like the joke, "that's what she said!" then we are automatically the best of friends. i can't believe i almost forgot.

knitting burnout

this is the largest knitting project that i've ever done; an afghan for D's folks for christmas. it's the mayfield afghan from the lion brand website (be warned, you have to create an account to log in and download the free patterns), and while it wasn't terribly hard, it did require a certain amount of patience and paying attention. it turned out nice (even though there are a few spots where i know i messed up), and they liked it, but since the holidays i haven't started anything i've been happy with. i made D a pair of socks with some yarn i'd bought specifically to make him a christmas present with, but that's it. everything else i've started i've already ripped out. i just can't seem to find a project that i'm excited about, or one that doesn't feel like something i've already made a hundred of. the other day i started a hat with some yarn i'd forgotten i had, but i got about five inches in and realized i pretty much have that hat already, just in a different color. i don't really need that many hats. it's not that cold where i live.

i know i said i wanted to try knitting with colors and making designs, but i should probably take a tiny break from knitting until i at least find something i'm stoked about. maybe i'll make myself a pair of socks, just to keep my skills up. i have to admit the pair of socks i made D after xmas turned out nice; i think i finally got my tension right where i want it, and all those other pairs of socks i've made were good practice. it's not like every pair of socks i've made before those were shitty, it's just these were decidedly not shitty, and actually pretty awesome. i guess that saying about practice making perfect isn't too far off the mark.

it just felt really good to have a few fun projects to work on, and now when i sit on the couch i'm kind of at a loss! what to do with my hands?

we all need to get D to go along with this

even if he won't okay it for all our guests, i can guarantee that my friends will be getting a save the date card with a red solo cup in one form or another on it.

the end. (unless you want to read more about the wedding over here.)

one week in!

i said i was going to blog more often, then i totally slouched.

got a cold. my sinuses are packed with lord-knows-what and i'm pretty miserable.

back to working full time, no more holiday vacations any time soon. today was my one year anniversary working with mri's, and forgoing my glamorous chicken-frying life. it feels like the time went by so quickly!

the most exciting thing to happen this week, and thus far this year, is that my mother gave me my great-grandmother's engagement ring. i'd always liked it, but didn't want to take it from her, and wasn't sure if i'd look good in it, etc, but i have to say, i'm thrilled to have it now. secretly, i have always loved this ring and hoped someday i would get hitched and get to use it. true, i don't always wear yellow gold (meaning, i never do), and i'm ambivalent about diamonds, but the setting is so unique, and the diamond is an heirloom, and hopefully not the cause of some major bloodshed. knowing it was my great-grandmother's, then my grandmother's, and my mom's before it came to me feels amazing. it may sound hokey, but knowing i'm the fourth woman in my family (and, weirdly enough, the only without the name mary, or a variation thereof) makes me feel connected, and part of some tradition that until now i couldn't fully comprehend. all those women before me met a man that they decided to marry; all of them looked at a guy and thought, "yeah, i could wake up with him every day." all of them created new families, their own families, all of them lived and loved and worked alongside the men they had chosen. i know we've all had different experiences, and i know that marriage isn't going to make my life all unicorns and rainbows, but there's something to be said for going through the same thing they did.

D's mom found out about the ring and offered us her parent's wedding bands. that she thought of us, and was excited to discover that i was (am) into family heirlooms, feels absolutely fantastic. it's touching. she likes me enough to offer me her mother's ring. i just want to hug and squeeze her until she pops! we're going to go look at them later this week, but i can already tell you the chances are good that i'll take the ring. having a set from both sides of the family would be pretty cool. how could i resist that?

about eight months until i am actually, legally, seriously, married. when we started talking about this, october 2010 seemed a million years away. moving it up to september of this year seemed like nothing. now it's january and um, i have a lot to do. D and i are having a lot of discussions about what we want, how we want to do it, and i think part of the reason people get married is so they can figure out how to orchestrate a massive party with a whole lot of family members, and not go crazy or kill each other. this is a like a test, right? we learn how to compromise, i try not to pout too hard when D insists that i might not really need a $400 pair of fire-engine red fluevog boots, and he tries not to throttle me when i tell him that i think we should have someone other than ourselves cater the reception meal. yes, those boots would look fucking amazing on me, and yes, it does feel great to make a meal for your family that shows them how much you love them, but $400 is a lot of money, and i would actually like to hang out with my new husband at the reception, and not sling barbeque.

the cold medicine is kicking back in. there goes what little lucidity i had left, i think it's time to crawl back into bed. happy first week of the new year, and i hope so far your 2010 is going swimmingly!

sweetie darlings...

happy new year! i have a post in the works, kind of an end of the year recap and such, but right now i have more pressing issues at hand. a new panini press grilling delicious sandwiches, weirdo rum for piña coladas, kids and movies and microwave popcorn, and waiting up for the fiancé. kisses and party poppers will appear at midnight and this year will finally, seriously, be over. it was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and in the end it was a pretty big year for me. dear 2009, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

new year's resolutions

OR: things i would like to do this year but probably won't.

1. learn how to knit intarsia, or fair isle, or any other sort of picture/multiple color knitting. i like cables, i like lacey things, but i'm ready to learn something new. (i still detest using charts, however. i don't know if that will change this year.)
2. learn how to make a homemade, epic, sourdough bread. seriously sour, too, not like some of the wimpy stuff you get in stores.
   
3. go back to blogging more often. i've been trying to do something small every day, but i think making it an actual, "i said it out loud" sort of thing will help.
4. get new glasses. and the pre-requisite eye exam to accompany them.
5. the cyst/tumor/mean pea in my hand has got to go. honestly. i'll have someone help me take a photo; the thing's gotten fucking huge and now part of my hand down to my wrist likes to go numb or burn. not cool.
   

right now that's all i've got on my list. i know making resolutions is a bit pointless, but i find it kind of fun to actually stop for a bit and think about stuff i'd like to do. make a bit of a plan, if you will. maybe i'll make an actual pen and paper list and hang it up someplace where i have to see it on a regular basis. i really would like to get better at knitting; it's one of the things that i used this year to deal with stress/anxiety that didn't a) leave me hungover or b) involve sugar.

Caleb's hobo mittens

i made caleb a pair of basic arm warmer/fingerless gloves for xmas! just in case you'd like to make some, here is the pattern i came up with.

Hobo mitts

i used cascade 220 superwash; one skein will make a pair of these easily, with a bit left over. the stripes i made with knit picks swish dk in coal. i used size 4 double pointed needles.

to start, CO 48 stitches in your main color; 14 on needle 1, 20 on needle 2, 14 on 3. join, making sure not to twist stitches (you know that, i know).

Rows 1-9: k1, p1 ribbing.
Row 10: knit all.

First stripe is four rows:
Row 1: knit
Row 2: k 12, k2tog, k20, ssk, k 12. (46 stitches)
Row 3: knit all
Row 4: k 11, k2tog, k20, ssk, k11. (44 stitches)

Switch back to green for three rows
Row 1: knit
Row 2: k10, k2tog, k20, ssk, k10 (42 stitches)
Row 3: knit

Next black stripe, K 2 rows.

Next green stripe, K 3 rows.

Last black stripe, K 1 row.

Continue knitting with main color (green) until piece is 7 1/2 inches from cuff.

Make thumb holes! For R glove, make a 7 stitch buttonhole on the first needle, for the L glove, make it on the third needle.

Knit another 3/4 of an inch to a whole inch (depending on how long your fingers are).

Make cuff; 10 rows of k1 p1, then bind off loosely.

Weave all your ends in (if you have them), and you're done!

merry xmas kids!

we had a great day! my mom got me an awesome video camera, dave and the kids got me a new camera (!!!) and we had a fantastic day of lounging, eating, being with friends and family, with a tiny nap tucked into the middle.

all of the gifts i got were amazing, but one was so special it made me cry like a baby. to be honest, i opened it last night because i was pretty sure that would be my reaction. amidst all the packages mom sent home with us, one had a tag on it to me from dad. it was an old school navy family gram; a video that wives and families were sent when their husbands/boyfriends/sons went on cruise (this was before women were allowed on the boat!), transferred from the original vhs to dvd. it from 1986, and was different from most because that was one year the guys were on cruise through christmas, so it had a christmas theme and was a little more sappy than most. the guys all had a chance to send a little message to their people, there was a little song they made up (it was the 12 days of xmas, but altered to include the boat and their life on it), and tours of where they worked, what they were doing, etc. we didn't have a video camera growing up, and my dad was notoriously camera shy when one showed up, so to see him talking to us, young and handsome and the way i remember him, just killed me. it's an understatement to say i was so glad to just hear his voice, but then he made an inside joke just for mom and that was when i lost it. in a good way, i mean, if that's at all possible. it was amazing to see him, to hear him, to show dave and the kids the dad i remember.

so i guess you could say this holiday season has been more than a little bittersweet, but as much as i miss my dad (and honestly, i miss him a lot), when i looked around today and saw all the people that i have that i love, all the happy faces and thoughtful gifts, the delicious food and mess to be cleaned up tomorrow, it was more sweet than bitter. i hope you had a great day, got to hug your loved ones or talk to them, and go to bed tonight full of tasty treats. merry christmas!

shhhh!

the last time i went to the library, there was an elderly man in the audio book section, reading EVERY SINGLE new release out loud, out very loud, and repeatedly, into a cell phone to some one who obviously wasn't at the library. it was very distracting, very annoying, and i thought he really should have known better.

remember when libraries were quiet and fun to hang out and read in? i don't mind some chit chat or kids being kids in the kid section, but this seemed extraordinarily rude to me. if i had been doing the same thing, i'm sure he would have shook his cane at me and made a face.

public service announcement

oh come on. how you can not give five bucks to this man? comics are awesome, box brown makes delightful comics (i am a big fan of bellen! i probably send one or two of his strips to my boy every week.), and i'm thinking maybe if we get some money from grandma or aunt sue for xmas we should send box some.

oh the weather outside is frightful

except, it's not really that bad. we got a bit of snow, it stopped and then got icy, and now we have that horrible patchy mess left behind when snow loses it's nerve. the kids had a late start in school, D is having a late start as well (still in bed!), and i'm drinking coffee and finishing up my xmas shopping. oh internets, what did we do before you? going into a store and buying things from surly cashiers seems so primitive to me now. perusing various websites with a list, snug in my slippers, is worth all the shipping and handling i might have to pay. i'm going to eat some cookies for breakfast and maybe take a bath, and start getting things wrapped up.

things i maybe should have been in another life:

• librarian. i know it's cliche, but i honestly love my glasses and cardigan sweaters; sesible mary jane heels and hair in a bun. i also love research projects, organizing stuff that isn't my own, talking about books, learning random things, and being surrounded by people doing the same. embarassingly enough, i also enjoy working with people and helping them find what they need.
  
• a baker. bakers either work early in the morning or real late at night, depending on how you look at stuff. lately i can't get enough of baking. especially ridiculous, time consuming things. the weighing of ingredients, setting everything out and getting ready, yeasty delicious smells, and making the simplest things (eggs, flour, water, butter, sugar and time) become amazing treats. the alchemy of turning flour, salt, yeast and water into a loaf of crunchy bread good for sandwiches, or smeared with butter and jam, or topped with cheese and floated in soup, simply flabbergasts me every damn time. what i think of as "real" baking, pie crusts and flaky doughs and yeast breads, used to scare the bejesus out of me, but what i've learned lately is this: even a fucked up looking loaf of bread will make a sandwich and probably taste pretty good doing it. amazing! there is also a fair amount of working alone that i dig.
  
• receptionista. oh sure, i was one before, i know, but i was good at it. i have moments when i miss it, don't tell my mom.
  

oh, internets

caught up on my flickr today. you know, i used to flickr all the time. i was always taking pictures and looking at other people's pictures, and seeing new things that made me excited to cook or make or draw something, but then i guess i got overwhelmed by all the stuff on there and i took a break. i logged in today and saw all manner of amazing, and was glad i took a short break because i think i can appreciate the flickr again.

teratoma thursday

embarassing fact: i have a single, solitary hair that grows out of my neck, horizontally. it looks and feels just like an eyelash. i keep it plucked, but every time i take my tweezers to it, i wonder if i'm removing the part of my embryonic twin that lives on in a random, errant eyelash.

stop shouting!

i fell asleep on the couch last night, and woke up at about 1:30 this morning to a woman on the tv shouting. i remember waking up with a start and thinking, "ah! stop shouting at me!" and then realizing she was a televangilist and was yelling about jesus. i got up and went to bed.

shhhh...

everyone is away; D at work, the kids at their grandparent's house, decorating the tree. i have the whole house to myself, and a pot of coffee and podcasts to enjoy! it's delightful. it's so rare to get an afternoon to myself; part of me feels like i should be cleaning and cooking, part of me just wants to goof around. regardless of the guilt i feel, the goofing is totally winning. i have some stuff to knit, a cat curled up in my lap, and at least a few more hours all to myself. whoo!