guilty pleasures

• ancient aliens.  i know, i know, it's ridiculous, but i love how earnest everyone on the show is, i love how they interpret history, i love that they're willing to be out and proud about their fringe beliefs!  
• legos all over the living room.  sure, we pulled them out for my nephews, but did we put them back? no. are we still playing with them? yes.
• blueberries.  they have been on sale lately, and we are eating them by the gallon.  i guess i don't have to feel guilty about that one, but we are enjoying them immensely.
• gardner dozois's sci-fi anthologies.  some of the stories are hit and miss, like all anthologies, but the ones that are good tend to be really good. also, ellen datlow doesn't come out with enough collections, while this guy reads a crazy amount of stuff and edits a book every year. (he's a hard working dude.)  while i always feel kind of guilty not reading a "real" book when i have the time, i should probably cut myself some slack.  i am, after all, reading, and that's never a bad thing. 

whirlwind weekend

 my very favorite people in the world (besides the three i live with) came to visit this weekend!  both of my nephews, and their awesome parents.  we only got to spend two days with them, but we packed a lot into those days.

i know it's a cliche to say of children, "they grow so fast," but sometimes it's so true.  both H and T are taller, funnier and smarter than i remember.  that they get along so well with the boychik and girlchild is icing on that delicious cake.  the first day anne and the boys were here, we went out to storvik park in anacortes.   if you live within 25 miles of that park, it is TOTALLY worth taking your kids out there.  seriously. it's huge, there are a ton of swings, play equipment, picnic benches, and lots and lots of room for running around.  we brought snacks from the breadfarm and slough food, had nibbles and let the boys run around for a while.  after that, we brought the boys home and let my kids babysit while anne and i picked up aaron for a rock concert! i was not familiar with the neon trees before the show, but they were awesome.  i haven't been to a show in so long; i was kind of out of shape for it.  i brought a purse (rookie mistake!), wore the wrong shoes, and was hot and sweaty for most of the show.  we had a great time, though, and it really made me wonder why i haven't been to any shows in so long.  it's exhilarating.

the next day we all went to the pacific science center for their king tut exhibit.  to say that that we were excited to see it is an understatement. 

just seeing the arches make me all giddy inside.  i have such fond memories of this place as a kid. 

my love of ancient egypt knows no bounds.  as a kid i read a lot of books about mummies and the pyramids, and wanted to be an egyptologist sooo badly.  of course, that's not what happened, but i still love it.  it's amazing to see the kids so into it as well.  walking through the exhibit and realizing that everything you're looking at is thousands of years old is humbling.  it gave me all kinds of ideas for new projects, and in a lot of ways felt like visiting and old friends.  things i had read about and seen in documentaries, right there in front of me.  if you get a chance to check it out, i highly recommend it.  bonus tip: get the audio tour.  harrison ford does some of the narration!

calvin roy

i'm not baby crazy, i promise, but i am in love with my newest nephew, calvin.  his middle name is my dad's name too!  he was sweet and mellow and smelled amazing and i can't wait until i can see him again.  seriously, i love being an auntie. 

gardening update

hey, guess what? peas really like to grow. which is awesome if you really like to eat peas, like we do. look at those! and what's sad is that i could have sooo many more peas if i'd given them some more room. i had no idea how big they could get!

my aunt bought me an italian heirloom tomato start, and bought one for herself. for a while both our plants looked pretty sad, but mine has bounced back (sort of; some of the leaves are still droopy) and is at least making some baby tomatoes. i hope the plant stays healthy enough to grow at least one big one!

we bought some seeds this year from baker creek heirloom seeds; they have a crazy amazing selection, but unfortunately for the seeds, i bought a bunch that were not suited to this area and were sacrificed to my learning curve. the one group that did grow was the purple cosmos carrot, which is gorgeous dark plum on the outside, and bright orange on the inside. i haven't grown nearly as many carrots as i thought i would have though, even with my husband's neat seed-sowing trick. i'm going to try another batch and see what happens.

with all the veggies in the garden and in our CSA box, we've been eating a lot of greens. it's been great. last night it was actually hot, and so inside of cooking much (besides grilling some eggplant), i just chopped a lot of beautiful things up, and we made salads and nibbled on bean dip and crackers. it was great. pretty too!

weekend highlights

 here in the skagit valley there is a place called the breadfarm.  they make crazy delicious breads, which admittedly are kind of pricey.  this is not a complaint, honestly, just a fact. they make the kinds of loaves that never last very long, either.  this loaf of sour cherry and lemon bread lasted four hours in our house.  here it is, toasted with butter.  oh my.

 my sister and i took a trip to the lavender wind farm on whidbey island.  you know we grew up there, and yet we still managed to get lost once.  my sister has a friend who had some lotion she bought here and she smelled it and promptly told me we needed to take a trip there.  i'm so glad we did. it was so serene and beautiful, there were all sorts of lovely little paths to follow through the fields, they had cute chickens and we both bought some lavender.  i bought some to make into sachets, and some to cook with.  just this afternoon i made a lavender simple syrup for iced tea, which is quite delicious.

 at the anacortes farmer's market, cascadia mushrooms had a stall, and they were selling my favorite thing, mushroom growing kits!  this one is soaking as we speak, and i'm getting ready to make it a "humidity tent" and set it up downstairs.  the oyster mushrooms we grew were great, but it's agreed that we all like shitake mushrooms better. 

all around anacortes you'll see these wonderful paintings of locals past and present, done by artist bill mitchell as part of the anacortes mural project.  this was the first time i'd seen these lovely ladies, and i had to take their photo.  they seem to be having a pretty good time.

it's also super hot here; well, super hot for us! too hot for making real dinner.  i grilled some eggplant slices (they turned out great, dressed with a bit of vinegar and basil leaves), and cut up a ton of veggies.  we made ad hoc salads, or just nibbled on veggies.  the pink things in the little white bowl are homegrown, fridge-pickled radishes.  we've been eating a lot of them.  we also got those gorgeous carrots and the small dish of favas in our CSA box this week.  neither disappointed!  in fact, it was a great dinner.  for such a busy weekend, it was a nice way to wind things down. 

nerves

i don't know what it is lately, but i have been pretty spastic and nerve-wracked.  i had a panic attack WHILE CAMPING. camping; seriously the most relaxing thing on earth, and i have a panic attack.  jeez.  that doctor i saw a few months ago who missed my whooping cough wrote me a script for lorazepam (a pill i love almost as much as i love my husband) but of course, failed to put a dosing time schedule on it.  because it said, "take one as necessary" not "take one as needed up to ____ times a day" the pharmacy wouldn't fill it.  i called the doctor's office three times to get them to fix it, but they never did.  i've been sort of hemming and hawing about seeing a new doctor for a new script, but am worried about that because it just really seems like i'm drug shopping, which i'm not.  i use very little lorazpam; i get a bottle of it a year, and more than anything, it's just my security blanket.  i thought i should try to go without it and see if i could manage.  my theory is that there are herbal remedies and benadryl* if i need it.   

of course in the middle of a panic attack this seems like the worst idea ever.

so the other day, i bought some kava extract thinking, "this might help." i like kava because i grew up reading margaret mead books, and because i've had good experiences with it in tea form.  i tried a little this morning (five drops at most) and holy shit, that stuff tastes terrible.  i can see how they hide the terrible taste in tea!  although to be fair, the taste can't be enhanced by the grain alcohol in the tincture either.  ugh.  at least i know i won't be downing it in cocktails any time soon, it's not really something i can see myself doing for "fun" or because i "like the taste." 

has anyone else tried any other herbal remedies? do you have any you would recommend?  i have noticed that working out more, and making sure i drink lots of water and get enough sleep, have helped make me feel better in general lately.  i'm not having panic attacks the way i used to, and i think this recent rash of them might have to do with other stuff in my life right now.    

*benadryl is a lo-fi remedy a doctor recommended once.  really, anything that normally would make you sleepy, can help in the midst of a panic attack.  there's probably a bit of placebo effect in there as well, but i won't tell my sympathetic nervous system if you won't, okay?

i was kind of a culinary genius today

i made tiny quiches for my sister's baby shower; ones with sauteed garlic ramps and herbed goat cheese, and ones with bacon and cheddar.  i also made vanilla rhubarb ice cream, that is delicious.  for dinner, seafood tacos; spicy shrimp, grilled jalapenos, and lime spiked cod.  i have plans for the fruit we brought back from east of the mountains for tomorrow, but i think as far as one day goes, i did a good job with the cooking.

lake chelan

just got back from spending a few days by this beautiful lake, with 75% of my people.  the boychik stayed home, i think just to make me angry, but the rest of us got out of the house and spent time together in the sun, having a great time.  this was the view from our tent every morning.  how amazing is that? today i unpack, do laundry and prepare for my sister's baby shower tomorrow.  more photos to come!

maths

i love hearing D go over math concepts with the girlchild while they make dinner.  cooking is such a good way to teach all sorts of skills; math, reading, science, and all while making delicious things.  i love it when he makes dinner, but not because i'm a beleaguered housewife.  i know sometimes when i say, "man, i love it when my husband makes dinner," people are likely to hear, "OMG sister i'm so tired of cooking meals, blah blah blah," but honestly, what i like about it is that he loves to do it.  it's nice to be on the receiving end of what he's cooking.*  even when it doesn't come out the way he wanted, even if it's an experiment with an oddly spiced ending, it's usually great.  the house smells good, everyone wanders in and out, the kids help, and it feels nice to sit back and watch it all happen.  we have super different styles in the kitchen too; he likes to work collaboratively, while sometimes i want to be alone, listening to my music loud, spacing out.  i'm always surprised when the kids want to help, although they normally do.  they like being in the kitchen as much as D and i do. 

so yeah, i love it when D makes dinner.  don't get me started on the dishes, though. 

*that's what she said!

beets, bears, battlestar gallactica

like dwight schrute, i love beets.  seriously.  i could eat beats at every meal and be a happy woman.  i read that they are pretty easy to grow, and do well later in the season, like now, where i live.  so last weekend i took the patch of garden that was supposed to grow squash (but never sprouted) and leveled it out and sprinkled a packet of seeds.  i covered it with a little more soil that i had lying around, and was super pleased with myself.  the next day, i realized something had been digging exactly where i put the seeds.  aaargh!  i can't imagine beet seeds being that delicious to anything.  my husband had a bright idea to start some inside and then put them out.  genius.  so here are my baby beets, that i planted literally four days ago.  they are already poking up out of the ground! so cute.  i'm going to let them get a bit bigger before i move them outside.  needless to say, i'm excited about growing some beets.

happy father's day to all my fatherly friends out there!

marriage secret

unsure if your husband is crabby or just not feeling good? start telling him how crabby he is.  when he protests, point out all the crabby things he's said.  he might not feel good as well, but by this time all the crabby talk should have made him crabby, so at least you'll be sort of right. 

glork

you know why glee is ruining america? not because it has the gays in it, we all know the gays are fabulous and i think more happy, gay teens should be on tv, but because now it makes teenagers think they should express themselves in song more.  what happened to terrible, furtive poetry readings? i had to sit through three musical interludes at the boychik's graduation; one of which was pretty okay, one of which was mediocre, and one that i hated but to be honest, it was a rascall flats song and i'm pretty sure nothing in their repertoire would have impressed me much.  in any case, three of them was about three too many.  also, when you first heard green day's longview did you ever think that one of their songs would become the go-to soundtrack for major life changes* or that they'd have a goddamn musical on broadway?  seriously.  we all thought they were stoner retard punks.  they might still be, but some how they are also middle aged, like me.  ...shudder...

*time of your life: it's good for funerals and graduations.  i bet it also gets used a lot at rehab "graduations." 

the hazards of outside

i did a ton of weeding yesterday.  i haven't done much of that lately because a) weeding sucks and b) lots of rain.  i am, most definitely, a sunny day gardener.  i'm going to have to bust out of that habit, since i live in a very rainy place.  yesterday was glorious and lovely, and i had a bunch of music to listen to, so i went out front and pulled weeds and planted more succulents.  i was probably out there for an hour and a half, kneeling down, or in that weird half-kneel so i could reach weeds further back. 

i woke up this morning and my butt was killing me.  in fact, it was the first thing i said to the boychik today.  "good morning, my butt hurts."  inner thighs and calves are also sore, because i guess weeding and gardening works muscles that are normally busy being sat on.  ugh.  going up and down the stairs today was hellish.  it's good to know that all that talk about gardening burning calories might not be all horseshit, though. 

there's a view of our back garden plot from the deck.  things are coming in nicely.  so far the tomato plants are getting bigger, the radishes are still kicking ass and taking names, i have six small patty pan squash plants that are thriving, my peas are using that tomato cage to get some height, we have some carrots taking root (not as many as i thought we'd get, considering the amount of seeds as i sowed), two ground cherry plants that i bought as a lark are doing great, turnips are sprouting, beets are in, and the broccoli went to seed.  i know, that last part is sad, but the broccoli plant was just so pretty, and the little crown in it was so cute, that i didn't cut it out soon enough.  by the time i figured it was time, it was already beginning to flower, so i let it go.  i'm hoping to get some seeds and try again next year.  plus, i've read if you cut off the crown, you get more growth and so who knows, maybe we can get two heads out of the plant.  my artichoke is also doing well, although it isn't as tall as i thought it would be by now.  the slugs ate all my cute, lemon cucumber plants the second they poked their first leaves up, but two survived and i bought another start, we'll see if these do better. the long beans never sprouted, so i planted the beets in that spot. i also have a pot of herbs that starting to produce, and an heirloom tomato plant in it's own container that's growing blossoms.  i also think the dill i planted is starting to come in, so hopefully we'll have cukes and dill and pickles! i have garlic in the front yard and side that's tall, as well.  i bought some purple and regular, i'm hoping we get enough to put some up for next year too.  don't i just sound all little house on the prairie? it makes me happy to go out there and fiddle around.  i honestly thought i'd kill it all, so the fact that anything is growing is making me happy. 

boy to mensch

i'm the first to admit i didn't grow the boychik in my body (i'm too young for that, i swear!) but i have been lucky enough to be his stepmom officially for a year now, and even luckier to have been his parent for a few years longer.  he graduated from high school tonight! i'm the stepmom to a grown ass man now! although to be honest, i hope he stays my boychik a while longer. 

look at that good looking family!

intro to insurance, part 2

or "why you should give a shit about cpt codes"

i had the kind of call today that everyone in insurance customer service dreads; you get a client calling in to ask about some sort of procedure/test/surgery their doctor has signed them up for.  they doctor said, "you should do this" made them an appointment with another doctor, and no one bothered calling the insurance company to see if it was covered.  needless to say, the person i spoke to today had something very big, very expensive, and very NOT COVERED by their insurance done a few weeks ago.  they got the bill today, and with it quite a shock.  they just assumed that because the doctor said it was a good idea, and they have health insurance, we would pick up part of the cost.  not only did we not, but now the doctor and clinic can bill them for it.  

spring has sprung

at least, it feels that way.  things are growing in the garden, i took four bags of clothes to the thrift store yesterday, swiffered enough hair to create a small dog out of my bathroom, and have started going to the gym again. 

i am so incredibly spoiled that i don't even realize it sometimes.  my work has two gyms in the building; one that's all weights and mirrors (and kind of hidden) and one with a crazy amount of gear.  three treadmills, two bikes, two eliptical machines, a nautilus weight thing, a rowing machine, a stair climber and hand weights.  AND cable tv.  seriously.  you can watch cartoons while getting sweaty.  not only that, but using them is totally, 100% free of charge.  you just sign a waiver saying that if you get your sweatpants stuck in the belt of the treadmill you won't sue, and the gym is all yours.  when i started working at the insurance company, i used the gym on all my breaks, just to get out of my training class to stand up for a while.  then i moved upstairs and stopped doing that.  i go through fits and spurts of using it more and less often, but i have noticed a few things that make me go more.  for instance, if i go on monday, i am way more likely to go again a few more times that week.  if i pack my gym bag the night before, i'm less likely to forget it.  if there's someone else in the gym while i'm there, i tend to stay longer, because i don't want them thinking i'm a loser who only stays for half an hour.  and that ke$ha is oddly motivating.  i'm embarrassed how much i enjoy her crappy songs while working up a sweat.  i also mentioned to my husband the other day how much i like going, how good i feel, but that i sometimes feel guilty not coming right home from work.  the look he gave me was priceless, and the moment i said it out loud, i realized how dumb i was being.  now that i don't feel guilty about not rushing right home and have loaded way too much pop music onto my ipod, i feel like this recent run of gym going might turn into an honest to goodness habit.  in a good way. 

my whole goal with going to the gym is, among other things, to not be so self conscious anymore.  i've gotten to a point with my body that while i'm not hideously deformed and not clinically morbidly obese, i don't feel awesome in my own skin.  i had a biometric screening a few weeks ago, as well, that made me realize my cholesterol is too high.  i figure adding in some more activity and soluble fiber can't hurt, right? 

also, one year ago today i married my husband.  we had a big, lovely wedding, i got to spend time with people i love, and officially became part of this family.  it was a remarkable day, and i'm so glad we had that big party.  we're celebrating on wednesday, because that's the day we made it legal, but today we're being schmoopy and my husband sent me flowers at work and i think if this first year is any indication, we've got some more good years coming. 

hey, guess what?

chicken butt.

ha! does that joke every get old? in a word: no.   

tonight i made dinner, meaning i went to the store and bought what we all the call "the big sandwich."  it's a two foot sub made at fred meyer's and it is amazing.  it's so long you have to carry in your arms like a baby, and don't even think about putting it in a hand cart.  it won't fit.  it was just so beautiful out i didn't want to do anything in the kitchen but unwrap that sucker and then sit out on the deck in the last of the day's sun and enjoy a sandwich someone else made.  needless to say, it was delightful. 

i've also been thinking about the great lynda barry lately, reading her tublr, and trying to spend more time doing/making/creating.  she talks often of just coloring; just taking a regular, old fashioned coloring book, a box of crayons, and just going at it.  the way it makes you feel to just relax and zone in on the colors and shapes, to watch it come together, she says are great for you.  it's a way of taking care of your inner, creative self, like brushing your teeth.  i work with someone who colors in mandalas between calls, and she says it's really relaxing.  thinking of this, i went to michael's when i got off work and picked up some more colored pencils (crazy flourescent ones and earth toned ones) and some coloring books (i found mandalas!).  the girlchild and i sat outside, coloring after dinner; just relaxing and talking and listening to music.  it felt really good.  just to have half and hour of quiet, relaxed, happy time together.  we're all kind of making each other nuts lately, but the one thing we all like to do is make stuff.  art projects are our favorite.  so we colored and showed the boys what we were working on, ate slices of giant sandwich and remembered how it isn't all frustration and eye rolling when we hang out. 

real quick

the teen ennui in this house is thick enough to choke a fucking horse.  it's not even funny, regardless of the joke i just made.  part of it makes me angry and confrontational, and i say things like, "how can you say you don't care about anything? you really, honestly, just don't give a fuck?! how is that a thing?"  the math that goes on in an adolescent head is like the new math, it's like quantum physics, it's truly dealing with imaginary numbers.  when i try to calm down, to speak rationally, to not just ground everything that walks past me with a stink eye (you're next lulu), stop and think "you know, i might just not get it, and that might be okay," it works for like five minutes and then i'm all rant-y and rave-y and back to wringing my hands clean off.  i swing back and forth, feeling alternately annoyed and then terrified that i'll push one of them to suicide and that will really teach me a lesson, a lesson in suffering, a class i will take for the rest of my life and whose final exam i will fail every time.  shit, i bet the ennui is contagious and now i have it.  i feel overwrought and fraught and in a funk. i love these kids, i really do, and i don't love them because i'm "supposed" to: i just do it because i feel it and i have moments when i wish i didn't give a shit because that would be so much easier.  if i were their bio-mom i could use the argument that i'm the mom, so of course i love them, no questions asked; but not only am i the step, but they have a bio-mom who shoots that theory in the foot.  one of them actually said to me, "you're here because you have to be here," and i was like, "nuh, uh, no fucking way. i'm here because i chose it." i picked this.  this is the work that i want to do, even when it sucks. i signed up for this team. if you had to stick around then their mom would live in state, would do more than answer random facebook questions about them, would make them the occasional dinner or at least order out, she would give a single solitary fuck and she wouldn't have bailed because parties sounded like more fun.  she made her choice the same way i made mine, and while those choices are obviously based on different things, even when i get this worked and want to do some drinking or yell or throw my hands up in disgust, i do my best to just try to let them be the people they are.  all i can do is tell them how i feel, i can't convince them with the power of my mind. i can hope they listen to me, and trust me, and don't do anything too stupid.  i am doing the best i can, and i'm sure i can do better, so i'll try that too.

seriously, though, nihilism was invented by teenagers.  you can't convince me otherwise.    

green acres

i may have mentioned that i've started a garden this year.  we had a patch of azalea's out back, right up against the house that the boychik was kind enough to rip out for me earlier, and since then i've planted a variety of things.  here is what i've learned so far, in handy, dandy list form:

1. some of what i thought i could grow, i couldn't.  for instance, i started some tiny thai eggplants because they were so cute and i love them in curry, but they didn't do well out back.  i think i started them too early and it's not hot enough here.  also, i bought these seeds for lovely, tiny melons and those also failed.  my chinese long beans were also a bust.  i didn't spend crazy amounts of money on the seeds, though, and i learned from it, so i feel okay about my failures so far.
2. i can grow radishes.  seriously.  it's the one thing in the garden that so far i am totally kicking ass at.  these are some tiny french breakfast radishes, that i pulled up to make room for some of the bigger plants.  they are amazing.  it's a good thing i live in a house full of radish lovers, or else all these radishes would go to waste!
3. carrots need to be seeded carefully because the seeds are *tiny.* so tiny! like the size of one of the periods in this post. after i planted the first batch, my husband gave me a good tip for next time.  of course, if he had given me the tip before i messed up the first planting i think we'd have more carrots going!
4. our soil definitely needs work.  it's not awful, don't get me wrong, but it's still very loose and the best way to enrich it is by growing stuff in it, evidently.  
5. buying starts instead of seeds isn't such a bad thing.  yes, i felt all hippie mama and earth-goddessy buying seeds and starting them indoors but it made D nuts to have plants and potting soil all over the kitchen, and i don't yet have a good idea about when things can handle being planted outside.  a start is already a sturdy little plant-to-be, and i can pretty much guarantee that whoever grew it knows more about plants than i do.  why not spend a bit more for that kind of knowledge?  
6. the only way to learn how to be better gardener is to just do it.  just go ahead and give it a try, fail at stuff, and be excited when the peas pop up out of the ground like reverse hand grenades.  also, investing in a CSA for the summer is also a good idea. helping out an organic community garden while growing your own is like investing in a back-up plan. a delicious, delicious back-up plan.

i really liked this post thea did the other day, talking about her garden and what she has going on.  i agree that gardening (like knitting and yoga) is totally having a renaissance among 30-somethings, but i think for good reason.  most of us are trying to eat a bit healthier, now that we realize that cholesterol isn't just something our parents worried about, and gardening is good for your boday, as well as your wallet.  i think a lot of people my age are also avid DIY-ers, and growing your own food is about as do-it-yourself as you can get.  it's also just nice to be outside, tending to pretty green things that will end up being part of dinner. 

a mother's day cup of coffee

this morning i got up early, saw my husband off to work, the settled in to play some tetris.  he called a while later, asking me to bring his billfold to work because he'd forgotten it at home.  i told him i was still in my pj's, so i would bring it, but i wasn't going to put a bra on or get out of the car.  he said he thought that was fair.  i brought him his money, then asked him sweetly for a five so i could stop and get a latte on the way home.  he said he didn't think five was enough, he'd give me some more for a tip and for a cup of joe for the girlchild.  he's so thoughtful!  before i left, i asked him to throw away and old coffee cup because if was going to buy two cups of coffee, i needed both cup holders open.  so not only did he give me cash money, he threw away my trash.  what a man.  i giggled and asked him, "aren't you glad you married me?!" he insists he is, even if he does have to buy me coffee and throw away the garbage from my car. 

also, i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but i really love being a stepmom.  the kids are awesome, and i'm glad they let me be such a big part of their lives.  i'm lucky to have such a good, easy-going relationship with my kids, i'm tremendously grateful that they never made it difficult or awful or awkward.  it's true that the secret to our success is that we just all have a lot in common and like each other, but even on those days where we drive each other crazy, there's a lot of love in this house. 

sweatpant saturday

a few weeks ago my family and i went crazy on the hanes website, and bought $80 worth of sweatpants.  i know that sounds impossible, but it's not, and you know what? it was worth every single dollar.  we all have a few pairs of insanely comfy lounging pants, we got free shipping because we bought so much, and i managed to get a bright red pair.  i'm not going to lie, i love these pants.  they are so warm and smooshy on the inside.  they're red! they're made with recycled soda bottles! can a girl ask for more? 

my sister is having her done today and i get to spend some time this afternoon with my niece.  maggie's bringing over some cartoons and we are going to lay around the house being lazy and goofing off.  i can't think of a better way to spend a saturday afternoon! in my sweats, with my niece, with some adventure time. 

dear jasen harada,

thank you for introducing me to the beastie boys.  the hours i spent riding in your car, listening to  license to ill, were completely, totally, 100% worth it.  is there anything i recall with more fondness than the backseat of that nissan? no. 

i'm sad MCA passed away today.  thank you, beastie boys and jasen, for making my adolescence as awesome as it was.  xoxo

insurance boogie man

i've worked in health care now for almost four years.  i went from knowing very little about the health care system in america to knowing more, but admittedly, i am no expert.  i know enough to know that the system we have in place today is deeply flawed, and that there isn't any easy way to fix it.  i also know that fixing it is going to be a long, sucky process, and everyone at some point is going to get their panties in a bunch about it.  i believe in that the way i believe in death and taxes.

working in insurance gives me a very specific view of american health care costs.  one thing you may not be aware of when you go see the doctor is the difference between the "charged amount" and the "allowed amount".  if you have insurance, and your doctor is contracted with your insurance carrier, then part of that contract states that for specific procedures there is an allowed amount.  meaning, your doctor and the insurance company both agree that for an office visit less than half an hour, say, the insurance company will pay $75.00.  however, your doctor and his colleagues at the clinic or hospital he works for may have a totally different amount they actually charge; for the same service, one office visit of less than half an hour may be priced at $125.00.  what this means to you is that if you have an insurance the doctor accepts, your doctor agrees to only charge you $75.   if you don't have that insurance (or any insurance), that visit is going to cost you $125.  the difference between the $125 charge and the $75 charge is called "write off." you can't be charged that, and the amount is written off as a tax break.  many providers (what we in the business call doctors, clinics, hospitals, et al) have charge amounts much higher than typical contracted allowed amounts for a few reasons, one being that if the provider contracts with more than one insurance, and the allowed amounts are different, they'll be covered for both.  the other is that charging some patients more for services means more money, means that the amount they may lose in write off balance out that loss.  it's not always about making mad cash either, although it would be easy and fun to say that about doctors.  "oh, they just want a new yacht!" money is part of it, sure, but it's all not going into gold-lined lab coat pockets.  it pays administrative staff, cleaning staff, lab techs, insurance/malpractice costs, educational debt as well as continuing education costs, etc. (seriously, you want your doctor to keep getting some learning. that cost is totally worth it.)

all that aside, sometimes i talk to people who are upset about what they actually have to pay out of pocket.  i can understand that.  when you get a bill for $500 for a single afternoon's worth of service, you wonder what you're paying for.  if you are lucky, you will call someone like me who will walk you through all the charges.  i had a person who was livid about a $500 bill, just absolutely pissed and yelling about "what's the point of insurance if i have bills like this?" i had to point out that yes, $500 is a lot, but the total charges for the services they actually received totaled over $5,000.  well over $5,000, to be more exact.  if that person hadn't had insurance at all, the doctor would have charged them for ALL OF THAT.  yes, premiums can be high and deductibles are a bitch, but when you take into account the sum total of premiums and deductible and out of pocket cost, if you have one moderate medical issue (a colonoscopy that requires the removal of a polyp, say, or a mammogram that needs additional views, or an allergic reaction to a medication) you're much better off with insurance than without.  especially considering that moderate medical issues usually have follow up issues.

was this totally boring?  because to be honest, i find the whole thing kind of fascinating.  also, i talk to so many people on a daily basis who don't know the basics about insurance, and i think that's a shame.  if more people knew how it worked, what was going on, what motivates insurance companies and health care providers, we could all pitch in and use our massive brains fixing the system.  this is my tiny way of shedding a bit more light on the situation. if you don't all threaten to kill me after this point, i'll do some more of them.  are there any questions you have specifically?

radio, radio

i grew up with the radio always on.  my parents loved public radio, and i literally don't think anything in the whole wide world has made my mother prouder than one of my stories (read by me) being on a npr show.  it was the first thing i heard in the morning, a murmur under my parents having coffee at the kitchen table and my mother blow drying her hair out there.  it was on when i got home, having been left to play for our dog to keep her company.  it was the soundtrack to every sunday i can recall.

i love that i married a man who loves public radio, who listens to it daily, who thinks sending money to them is important.  it also cracks me up how he talks back to the radio, sometimes yelling at it, like my pop used to do.  we all have those moments when we realize we married one of our parents, and that's one of mine.

we also cleaned our living room today, which we don't do often enough.  man, when it is tidy, it is amazing in here!  there's so much room for activities.  

i didn't marry your friends

the thing about being married is that once you draw up that invitation list, you've pretty much staked your claim as far as friends go.  you know if your spouse-to-be puts someone on that list, is willing to shell out cash money for their dinner and booze, that they are serious about them.  i know that no one went on my list that i was ho-hum about, and i can say the same for D. 

some of his friends, though, i'm not such a fan of.  there's one in particular that i have tried my hardest to like over the past three years, but when i'm honest with myself, i don't much care for her.  i think she's pompous and flighty and i know she's only nice to me because i married her friend.  that's okay.  i gave it a shot, i went to a bunch of parties and made a lot of awkward small talk, asked her a lot of questions about herself and was asked three in return, and finally realized that in the real world, without my husband involved, i would not be friends with her.  i'm okay with that.  i've mentioned on more than one occasion to D that i'm fairly certain this person tolerates me at best, and he isn't too troubled that we aren't going to be BFF any time soon.  at the same time, when she invites us to yet another shindig and i'm less than enthused, he does get a bit butthurt.  i think it's because i make a face like i just smelled a turd when he mentions her.  i don't even realize i'm making it, i swear! it happens so fast!  of course, i always get caught, feel contrite, and then agree to whatever plan is in place.

not this time though.  the next party on the agenda he can go to with the kids, while i stay home.  or go out with my own friends.  we're going to be married for a while, and he's already been friends with her for longer, so i figure on occasion i can duck out to save my sanity.  i'm not saying that i'll never go to another lame-ass hippie fest at someone's house, where i will hide in a corner drinking organic, gluten free beer and listening to people talk about how they gave up sugar and now only use agave,* but i will go to fewer of them.  and i won't feel bad about it either. 

*this makes me so crazy!!! agave is sugar! it's just sugar from a different source!  you aren't giving up sugar if you are using agave or honey or molasses or whatever.  also, there can't possibly be as many gluten intolerant folks out there as i have been led to believe.  sheesh. 

whoop whoop

i'm telling you, this blog is quickly become all about how shitty my immune system is and how irritated i am with it.  after the poop debacle, i caught something else.  it started in my lungs and i thought it was bronchitis because i am very good at catching bronchitis, but DAMN the coughing was something else.  i went to see the doctor and he was smug and annoying and told me that basically i was a big baby and he'd prescribe something but that he'd be judging me the whole time he did.  needless to say, i just continued feeling like shit for another two weeks, until i woke up with a major ear ache.  most of the time, when i get an ear ache i just spend some time with a heating pad and some cups of tea and it goes away.  this got worse, and was unlike any ear ache i'd had.  instead of a dull, throbbing pain that slowly built to an agonizing crescendo, this one felt like someone was randomly stabbing my eardrum with a knife, sometimes over and over, sometimes not for five minutes, then boom!  i never knew when it was coming, and it hurt so bad i spent most of time with one side of my face screwed up like popeye.  i kept apologizing for looking insane.  no amount of heating pad or ibuprofen did anything for it, and finally after spending a whole day at work plugged into a phone and a heating pad and with five cups of tea in varying stages of hotness surrounding me, i went to the urgent care clinic.

the thing about urgent care clinics is that they don't give a shit about you. they don't have to.  you aren't at risk of dying, if you were you'd be at an emergency room.  they know you probably have a "real" doctor out there that can't see you, or no insurance.  they know you're probably a bit annoyed and out of sorts, but you aren't going to become a regular.  overall, they have a casual disinterest in you as a person.  it's nothing personal, it's just that you know going into an urgent care clinic that the doctor doesn't have any vested interest in you, and that you are a symptom that needs some relief.  it's a weird situation, but i know when i go see an urgent care doctor, i'm just looking for something to make me feel better right this second.  which is why i was so surprised to hear the doctor say to me, "i think you've had pertussis."

yeah.  i had the whooping cough.  the whole time my doctor was shrugging me off and making me feel like a retard for (gasp!) seeking medical help for feeling like shit, i was actually sick with something pretty contagious and heinous.  i didn't stay home or take care of myself because i felt like such a dope for asking for help only to be told i sounded "fine," i completely ignored my own gut feeling because i'm not-so-secretly worried about being a hypochondriac, and the whole time i'm coughing hard enough to shake loose a filling.  i coughed hard enough to pee myself a little.  (again! with the bathroom talk!) i kept my whole family up nights with the hacking.  i probably gave it to the boychik, who came down with a fever and a beautiful, hacking cough like his stepmom's.  i know i exposed the nice lady who sits in front of me at work, and guess what? she's pregnant, making her at kind of a high risk of the whoop being deadly to her and her spawn.  then, because the whoop had been left untreated, i got a nice, old-fashioned inner ear infection.  that's why the heating pad didn't work, it was way down deep in that ear that was sick.  awesome!

this nice doctor at a clinic i thought would give me some pain pills or antibiotics and send me on my way actually took some time to talk to me, did some tests, and told me i really needed to take some time off work. she offered to write me a goddamn note for work if i needed it.  she explained what i could expect (three more weeks of coughing!) and what to look out for, and told me she was sorry i'd been sick for so long.  she was nice.  i felt like a dick for thinking she would treat me like a number, and angry that my own doctor made $97 just by being an asshole.  i vacillate between being annoyed with him, and for being annoyed with myself for not sticking up for myself.  my ear still hurts too, which is the dickness.  i'm getting better though, and if anything, i learned a lesson.  you need to listen to your body sometimes, even if it does have a habit of being a jerk.  hypochondriacs get sick for real too! 

hippie mama badge

for some reason, this easter my mom and D's parents both thought we had plans elsewhere, meaning we had plans nowhere.  this wasn't terrible; i saw my mom the day before easter along with my aunt and some friends for a pampered chef party i hosted, we ate easter candy and tiny quiches and got to hang out, which was awesome.  D's folks are doing their easter dinner the weekend after this, so his brother and sister can attend, as on the actual day they do churchy stuff, and none of us do.  so we had the day to ourselves, and it was such a freaking beautiful day! seriously.  spring in the pacific northwest has been holding out on us, and on easter sunday it wasn't just warm, it was balmy.  the air smelled fresh and green, there was a warm breeze, every birdie was out singing, the whole she-bang.  it was like waking up in a disney film.  D made a nice big breakfast, and we spent the day lounging and enjoying the weather.

one of the very cool things we did was use this real indigo tie dye kit i'd ordered from amazon.  a few years ago we stopped using paper napkins and paper towels (although to be honest, we do buy paper towels for camping and for the kid's bathroom, so there's no good excuse for them not to clean it up!).  i have a lot of store bought cloth napkins, some home-made ones, and a bunch of really lovely ones i received as wedding presents.  what makes me crazy about my people is that when they open the linen drawer, they are just as likely to use napkins in place of towels for cleaning stuff up, thereby staining them and making the napkins grody.  if you want your visitors to be okay with cloth napkins, it's best that they don't look like you cleaned up mud with them, right?  while reading a martha magazine, there was a little aside about using real indigo dye, and it stuck with me because indigo is DARK, and dark napkins and towels probably get stained less than light ones.  i picked up a 12 pack of 100% cotton napkins in white, which were a deal at $10, and pulled out some flour sack style dish towels i had lying around and we got to work!

we used basic tie dye techniques, and the results were amazing.  using the real indigo is also a process; the dye itself is this bright lemon-green, and after you submerge your piece and get it saturated with the dye, you have to let it oxidize for at least 20 minutes to see how dark the blue will be.  you pull out a lime colored piece of cloth, and watch it get darker and bluer by the moment.  all four of us worked outside, getting some sun, experimenting with patterns and techniques, and generally goofing off.  not only are the napkins and dish towels very pretty and unique, and not only did i totally earn my hippie mama merit badge, but we had the best time hanging out and doing something together.  whenever i look at those napkins and towels, i'll think of that beautiful sunday afternoon, the first day it really felt spring, and having a great time with my little family.   it sounds so hokey to say, but i hope the kids looks back on afternoons like that and think to themselves, "yeah, i had a pretty okay childhood."

*also! i discovered that my husband really is a hippie: he is very good at tie dye.  he did all sorts of cool things that made my circles look like amateur hour! hee hee...

how do the godless celebrate easter?

you can dye eggs in wine!

eggs and chocolate, of course. i suppose i can't and shouldn't speak for all atheists, but i celebrate major christian holidays.  for easter there are dyed eggs, buckets of chocolate, baskets for the children stuffed with toys and treats.  for me, i grew up with those things, they are fun, the story behind it is pretty amazing, and life is short so why should i miss out on the fun?  plus, i'm not sure where the kids are in their beliefs; they're both at an age where religion interests them, and they're busy making up their minds.  if anything else, i don't ever want to become one of those sour-faced atheists who make all holidays miserable experiences for everyone around them. 

this is one of the things i've thought about more ad more lately.  my husband and i had an interesting conversation like a month ago that i'm still thinking about, because he brought up all kinds of good points.  to start with, he doesn't feel i'm really an atheist, regardless of what i say to him.  this makes me absolutely fucking crazy because i'm a grown-up and i know who i am and how i feel.  at the same time, i know he feels that way because he doesn't see me as conforming to his idea of atheism.  in his head, atheists are angry and aggro and condescending, unhappy and looking to inflict discomfort on those around them.  i am, as my sister has pointed out, pretty jolly.  the fact remains, however, that i do not believe in god.  not the christian, benevolent (if confusing) sky daddy i grew up with, nor any other.  i don't believe in a higher power, i don't believe there's anything out there watching us and tending to us, or anything intelligent that put existence into motion.  i'm not an ass about it either; i don't spend a lot of time making fun of people who do believe, although you have to admit, some of the most fervent believers in anything, be it religion or nascar, are jokes that write themselves.  for me, atheism happened like this: i never felt belief, or faith or any of the things i was supposed to feel at church.  i realized that it wasn't my thing.  i looked back at my life, and could honestly say i never feel comfortable with religion.  instead of hiding that part of myself, i decided to just be open.  well, kind of open. i admit that my in-laws are very religious and i'm okay with not being "out" to them.  not because i'm ashamed, but because i don't want to cause them any grief.  i think they would actively worry about the state of my soul, and they're nice people, i love them, and would feel bad about that.  over the years, i've become a bit more outspoken, and stopped feeling weird when saying "atheist."

i think at this point i have a good opportunity to show that atheists are nice folks, that i am one, it's not so crazy, and that even without any belief in god i'm a good wife, a good stepmom, and an overall good human being.  i think i represent what a lot of atheist look like, and think you might know more than you realize.  in fact, you might be one but not be "out" about it.  so on this big, happy christian, pagan, fertility holiday, i'd like to wish you a good day.  eat some eggs, be with your loved ones, nibble on treats and celebrate spring however you like!     

ring, ring, banana phone!

i keep waking up before my alarm goes off, which is kind of scary. does this mean even more adulthood is around the corner? am i "growing up" yet again?  i think it's just that we're entering that beautiful, short lived season here in the northwest where it's not pitch black early in the morning.  whew. i'm glad it's not more responsibility calling, because i think i have enough, thank you.

i broke down the other day and bought the girlchild a pay-as-you-go cell phone.  i don't want her to be old enough to have one, but when i was her age i just had to keep a quarter on me so i could call home if i needed a ride.  it's impossible to find payphones now!  i also don't want to admit it, but her "all my friend's have one" argument was fairly valid.  she borrows their phones when she needs to make a call now, but i realized that could be tricky if she were calling, say, because she was having a miserable time and wanted to get out of it.  that's really why i bought her the phone.  i remember being that age, and having some friends who were a bit more adventurous, or older, or who just made different choices than i did and having moments when what i really wanted was for my mom to come and get me.  that part of early teenhood is a weird place to navigate; on one hand you want to be independent and do your own thing, on the other, freddy krueger still freaks you out and OMG no one told me they would be showing this movie at the sleepover!  i figure if we have the one cell phone (another super basic pay-as-you-go), and she had one then if things got shady she could just send us a quick message and we can come and get her.  it's her own, personal, opt-out button.  i told her as much.  not that she cared, she was just thrilled i got her the unlimited texting.

famous last words

"what?! your wife might be drunk."

i went to the doctor's office,

and all i got was some stink-eye.

i knew that i didn't have the plague, that the cold i've been battling is probably on the wane, but to be safe i went to see the doctor anyhow.  i have a cough that's giving me shaken baby syndrome, a delirious, dizzy feeling most of the time, and am producing mucus in a variety of colors.  my throat hurts, my head hurts, i'm having a hard time breathing, etc. why have health insurance if you aren't using it, right? after the doctor checked me out, heard me cough, he said, "so what brings you in?" um, where should i start? he told me my lungs sounded fine, which is funny because my husband can hear them wheezing from across the room, and that codeine wouldn't do me much better than over the counter cough suppressants, did i want some? when he said it like that, even thought that's why i went in, i said, "oh, i guess not.  if you don't think it will help that much more."  d'oh! i could just smack myself silly.  it's amazing how being in the room with a doctor for all of three minutes can make me so dumb. 

i might call and ask for that script anyway, because a good night's sleep would be awesome.  for everyone.  no matter what, i'm ready for this cold to be gone.  my immune system has been acting all kinds of wonky lately, and i'm hoping i'm just getting all the snot and poop out of my system so that when spring finally arrives i'll be able to just work outside in the sun, and think back fondly on the mucus times, glad that they're over.

hippie johnny

 today was really the first day it felt like spring outside.  i've been having some issues with my allergies, so i knew spring was right around the corner, but today was nice and warm and sunny and i finally got to go outside and get some gardening started!  this is our little patch, in the backyard.  it's about three feet by 15-20 (?) feet.  when we moved in, it was full of azalea bushes, and so i ripped them out.  actually, the boychik did that for me.  i know, azaleas are pretty, but you can't eat an azalea, and the one thing my husband and i whole heartedly agree on is that we want an edible garden. we want productive plants around, not just pretty ones.  i think my mother-in-law was a little agog that i was all for just tearing them out and chopping them up to add to the compost pile; she thought we should relocate them.  i'm not a huge fan of azaleas or rhododendrons, even if i do live in the pacific northwest, where it's practically mandatory that you LOVE them.  plus, it's my house! i'm going to rip out all the stuff in the landscaping i don't like.  it's so liberating. 

last year i splurged and bought myself a pair of gardening clogs because 1) they're red, 2) they're paisley and 3) can you really be a gardener without clogs? i think not.  i love that you can get them all muddy and yucky and because they are plastic, you can just rinse them off and leave them outside to dry.  which was good, because after i took this photo i got them pretty grubby.  i went through our little plot, pulled out rocks and weeds, turned the soil over, and added a little bit of fertilizer and a bag of organic potting soil to enrich it all (the compost isn't ready). i had pretty much forgotten how you have to ready the bed before you can plant, so i'm glad i didn't have my heart set on planting a bunch of stuff.  the boychik came out with me and finished chopping the azaleas up, helped me move around some of the big bags of soil, and assisted with the turning and watering of the compost.  it was nice to have someone to work with.  we listened to our favorite podcast, pseudopod, while we worked, which was also fun. 

before we did all that work, we went to home depot for some soil and plant markers (also known as "pointy tongue depressers").  i had to buy some seeds because OMG there were so many.  the boychik wants to experiment with sunflowers, so we bought a few packs of those, i picked up a few varieties of radishes, some beans, and carrots.  we also have a lot of herbs starting and to plant, as well as a few cool heirloom, organic varieties from baker creek seeds.  i'm excited to see how those do.  i've never had a garden, so we'll see how well i do this year, or how big i fail. 

also, we went out and had breakfast together, and some nice old couple asked how long dave and i had been married.  we told them six months  and they said they thought at least 12 years.  i think the giantness of the boychik threw them off!  but it was funny.  one of them thought we'd been married for 15 years!  which of course, would have made me a child bride.  ha! 

the end of the great poop saga

i am sorry to leave you hanging like that!  the poops did not kill me, i am happy to report.  i was still feeling "off" south of the equator for a few days after i pooped the bed, but slowly things got back to normal.  in fact, tonight i made these delicious individual pot pies from scratch! that's how much better i feel.  i made it all, except the crust because making crust is for suckers.  or husbands.  since my husband wouldn't make the crust, i bought it like a good, modern housewife at the grocery store.  i don't feel guilty about that at all.  i have one of those community cook books that people make and sell for charity, from the town of mobridge, south dakota, that i got an amazing pot pie recipe out of.  my mom picked it up for me one summer when she and my aunties were visiting relatives on the rez.  a couple of my cousins even have recipes in it, ooh la-la! i love those kinds of cookbooks, whenever i find them at thrift stores and bookshops i always feel like i should buy them.  they have funny little stories and great ideas in them, as well as 101 variations on hot dish or tater tot casserole.  delightful!

we had a very nice, quiet weekend.  put some books in bookshelves, cleaned some rooms up, bought major veggies at costco, that sort of thing.  i also started reading the stars my destination, which so far i have found sharp, funny, amazing, rollicking and witty.  how am i just now finding out about this book? i feel ridiculous, but am glad i picked it up.  i don't write book reviews as well as many other bloggers i know, but i will say this: the stars my destination is great, even if you think you don't dig on sci-fi.  however, if you don't dig on sci-fi, we might not be friends.

i've been trying to write some posts at work, in between calls, in an effort to be here more often, and sharpen what writing skills i have.  i always forget you can set up posts to publish at future dates; you don't just have to sit down, write furiously for ten minutes, then hit "publish."  not that i have anything against that, since that's 99% of what i do, but i've been working on some short stories as well and i think spending more time writing and revising might benefit me.  i used to write all the time!  (i used to do a lot of things all the time, didn't we all?) i like writing.  almost as much as i like reading.  almost.

i pooped my bed

let's just get that out of the way, shall we?  i went out last night to see a friend of mine who is doing an "internship" at a local pub (working on his bartending skills) had half a burger and the cream of asparagus soup.  i also played some bar trivia that was weak and for the first time i LOST by a lot. normally i kick trivia night's ass!  in any case, the soup wasn't that great, so i didn't eat a lot of it, and now i'm glad i didn't.  at 6 this morning i woke up in the fetal position, cramping and sweating.  after that, i lost approximately 12 pounds pooping.  i spent an hour in the bathroom. gross, right?  i took some pepto, rallied the troops, and went to work.  i spent most of my day hunched over my desk, answering calls and being less nice to the very few asswads who call, just to keep those calls short in case i had to run to the bathroom.  my sister was kind enough to lend me some of her extra-strength pregnant lady anti-nausea pills to help with the stomach cramping and i am proud to say that while it was not fun, i only left work an hour early, making me in charge and not my guts.  came home, took a nap, woke up, thought i had a fart in there, only to REALLY WAKE UP when i realized that said fart was awfully fluid.  dammit.  i remember being a kid and getting something like this and being totally freaked out by the amount of..stuff, coming out of my body.  i'm still kind of freaked out, but happy to say that this is the first time in years i've shat the bed, so that has to count for something.  avoid the cream of asparagus.  and stay at your own house, mine is ritually impure. 

jolly time

i went grocery shopping with my sister after work yesterday, because we work together and right next door to a grocery store, and she said the strangest thing.  we were driving over there (just because we're next door doesn't mean we can roll our carts through the woods to our work parking lot!) and i was telling her some story about the tea the kids are loving and she interrupted me saying, "i don't know what it is, but you're always so cheerful. are you just really happy? i mean, you just seem so...jolly all the time."  she went on to say, "it's not like you were ever a serious debbie downer, but i don't know, maybe it's D and the kids, but you've just been so...happy lately. maybe i didn't notice it before?"

maybe.  i wasn't sure what to say.  yeah, i am happy.  i've been happy for quite a while.  i have a nice little family that i love to come home to, i have a husband who isn't just funny and smart and good-looking, but who makes dinner a lot of the time.  i like my job, even on the days i don't, because there's always something new to learn and it's taught me how to just be in the moment better.  you have to just let go of a call the minute you hang up, because no matter how rad or terrible that call was, the next call is a new person, with new issues, and a new attitude.  i am lucky enough to amazing in-laws who helped my family and me move into a great house.  i'm growing things that hopefully we'll get to eat later this summer.  i have time to make things i like, do some knitting, watch dumb cartoons on netflix.

of course, i think she hasn't noticed what's been going on in my life for a while.  she's got her own things going on, and while some of them are happy and fun and rad, some of it isn't.  i made a choice a while ago to distance myself from her because she's kind of negative.  also, she's not usually so nice to me. i think in her mind she thinks that you can treat your family however you want, because they have to love you, they have to hang around, they have to forgive you.  that is a nice idea, and i'm all for unconditional love, because after all, there isn't a time i can conceive of that i wouldn't actually love her, but that doesn't mean i always like her and/or have to put up with her being an asshole.  you know, the first two years i dated D, she never spoke to him.  she didn't acknowledge him when we came over to visit, she hardly looked at him.  if she had a problem with him, she wasn't telling me about it, and she was acting like a jerk.  when i told her i was getting married the first thing she said was "when?" and when i told her, the second thing out of her mouth was, "well, that ruins my wedding plans."  during my wedding she pouted the whole time, ignored my new in-laws and left early because she wasn't feeling good, then posted her party pictures of her and her "bestie" out drinking in the city all night.  she doesn't let me babysit my niece because i'm not trustworthy enough.  she says awful things, all the time, and just doesn't seem to notice or care that they're hurtful.

if it didn't hurt my mom's feelings so much, i would probably have less to do with her than i do.  that, and my niece. i love that kid.  i've been trying to get us to a place in our relationship that's kind of neutral and easy-going, and i think for the most part i'm doing okay. i think what made the conversation we had yesterday stand out for me was how surprised she sounded that i was happy. how her tone was almost sneering.  like happy is something to apologize for, to hide, to be ashamed of.  i worked hard for this, and i'm not sorry i'm happy.  i'm not going to downplay it. i'm not even going to explain it anymore.  she'll always be my sister, and i'm honest when i say i love her and wish nothing but the best for her, but at the same time, i have a life and family of my own and am okay with us not being as close as we were as kids.  it sucks, but that's just the way it is.  

i heard you liked blogs

tag! i'm it!  if i didn't love sarah so much, i would have never done this! although at the same time, many of these same questions i've been asking myself lately, so it's like we're psychic blogosphere sisters.   here are the questions she asked, with my answers in red (of course):

1.  Does your blog fit into a "niche" and how do you choose what to write about?  Have you ever pulled a post after you published it because you regretted it or got some horrible feedback?
i don't think it does, unless you count step-mom blogs.  i haven't pulled a post, but i have written a lot that have never been published.  my mother is always is saying she doesn't read my blog out of respect for my privacy, and while i believe her, i don't know that i want to tempt her or say something shitty that will hurt her feelings.  i also have a sister that i have kind of a difficult relationship with that sometimes i wish i could talk about more, but also kind of think, "if this is difficult, how much worse can it get and do i want to go there?" although to be honest, i think i'm going to talk about that big mess more, because truthfully? i don't think i'm doing anything wrong.  who am i hiding from?
2.  Do you read a lot of other blogs?  How many? Have you had contact with the bloggers, or are you a lurker?
i read a LOT of blogs.  i use google reader (because bloglines pulled the plug after many yeas of use, then came back, but by then i was internet irate and just stayed with google. it's easier because i use blogger and gmail, too.) and the last time i looked i subscribe to 132.  some are comics, some are food blogs, some are house blogs, which i got a lot more interested in after i got a house, and a big chunk of them are everyday people blogs.  what i like about reading those personal blogs best is seeing how other people's lives and days unfold, seeing the connections between their lives and mine, as well as the differences.  this sounds so fucking corny, but reading about things other people are doing can totally inspire me to try something new.  gag. and i have lots of bloggy friends! some from the old blog, some from flicker, and all of them i love. i think internet friends are awesome and just because i can't come over and get drunk and pass out on your couch doesn't mean we aren't as good of friends as if i could. 
3.  Do you comment on a lot of other blogs?
some.  honestly, if a blog is way big, i don't comment as much.  i used to comment more, what happened?
4.  How important is it for you to get comments on a scale of 1-10?
i'd say a 6. i guess if i got no comments, i would be sad and blog less, but at the same time, you are talking to someone who has kept some form of diary/journal/blog for over twenty years.  i have to do something, i have a compulsion to write, and i like writing for an audience.  i think it makes my writing better. 
5.  Do you respond to your commentors?
probably not enough. should i comment back more? 
6.  How many followers do you have?  How did you get them? 
not very many! the official count on google is 25.  i used to have a very popular blog, that got hundreds (sometimes early thousands!) of a hits day, back when i used typepad.  i was a tiny bit internet famous.  sometimes it was awesome, sometimes it was creepy, and at one point i realized too many people i knew were reading my blog and some of them didn't need to.  sometimes i wish i had more readers, but at the same time, i'm not really sure how many are out there.  maybe i should do a secret poll and get a better count of who's out there. 
7.  How do you promote your blog?
i leave that up to sarah!
8.  Do you write for any other sites?
no, but mainly because i've found it a struggle to write as much as i used to on this blog.  when i met the man who would become my husband, my life changed in a radical way.  i had less time because suddenly it wasn't all about me, i was a partner and a mom, and for a while i was unsure how much of that i should write about.  i didn't want to betray the kid's or D's trust, and while he's never said to me, "no more blogging, woman," i get the feeling sometimes that he wishes i talked less.  he does realize, though, that he married a loud broad, and i think after i got in the habit of being quieter, it was just hard to break out of it.   
9.  What is your most favorite and least favorite thing about blogging?
i love it when someone says, "yes! i totally get it!" there are very few things on earth that please me as much as when someone says, "i felt/feel the same way."  i hate feeling like i'm not blogging enough and when i feel like i'm being uncreative.  i think that for me has been the biggest change over the last few years of blogging; i make considerably less crafty, awesome projects and that makes me feel bad. 
10. What advice would you give to potential bloggers?  What do you HATE when you see on a blog?  What do you like to see on a blog?
i would advise anyone thinking about blogging to do it because you like it.  seriously.  don't do it for money or followers or slight internet fame.  do it because you feel like you have to write things down, like you have to share, like it's an itch that only be scratched via html.  i hate self-conscious blogs, i hate whiny blogs, i hate it when i am both self-conscious and whiny.  i like to swear, both when i write and when i talk, so i dislike when people self-censor.  i like to see photos of your day, your pets, your amazing and cute children, your dinner, your shoes, any and everything!  i like to read your book, movie and tv reviews, i like to hear what you're listening to and see where you're going.  i don't want to be sold "style."  i don't want to hear a perfectly lovely size 8 woman cry about her fat ass, because it makes me want to yell, "fat ass?! i'll show you a fat ass!" i will also admit, as much as i love horror films, i do not like to see any photos you may have of your surgery.  dear sir, no thank you very much.  

how was that? too much, not enough?  what do you want to hear more about on my blog? what would you add to the discussion?  i will admit, i think i've been writing a lot less, and that makes me kind of sad.  i like being able to look back and read about stuff i was into, stuff i was doing.  i'm going to try to blog more, and to write more about the stuff that isn't pleasant to write about.  this, internets, is my promise to you.

the placebo effect

my husband i argue about the benefits of the placebo effect all the time.  probably more than any other couple i know, at the very least.  i was thinking about it the other day, though, after we watched a movie called fat, sick and nearly dead.  the film was all about a guy who lost a lot of weight doing a 60 juice fast, and a guy that he inspired to do the same, and how they both radically changed their lives and appearances thanks to the power of juicing.  i cannot tell a lie, it was pretty inspiring to see the guy he helped get healthier and happier.  the guy who made the film, eh. he was a rich dude, travelling around, preaching the powers of juicing. of course he lost weight and was the epitome of new age healthiness. the other guy was a truck driver who started the film very sad and overweight, and by the end of it was smiling and happy.  you didn't know if he would be able to stick with the juice fast, or if he did, if it would make him any happier.  i always root for the underdog!

anyway, we have a juicer because my husband worked as a cook for a group that took juicing very, very seriously.  they were a new age health center that primarily helped cancer patients feel better.  (i'm not going to tell you who they were, because i don't want anyone thinking i endorse their methods.)  here is what D and i argue about: he thinks the the juicing, attention to nutrition, and holistic, alternative methods the place he worked for were honestly helping to cure cancer.  he believes that with the right nutrition, atmosphere and attention, you don't have to use all the chemo and radiation.  i think that the methods the place he worked at certainly don't harm the patients, and may make their treatments easier to handle and endure, but that ultimately no juice in the world is going to cure cancer.  i call it the "magic applesauce" approach to oncology and he calls me an "asshole."  which is fair.  i'm kind of a loud mouth when it comes to cancer, and love modern medicine.  this is where he cites the placebo effect, and i admit, while that might help some of the patients, if it were someone he cared about, would he be willing to put his faith in their survival in placebo only?

which leads me to my next point; drinking the juice.  i have been using the juicer lately, and like it.  the juice it makes is awesome, super fresh, delicious, and you may not believe this, but kale juiced is like the greatest thing ever.  it smells like a fresh cut lawn and tastes like springtime to me.  i add it to everything and love it.  i don't know if it makes me feel any better, because i don't feel that bad to start with.  however, i'm seriously curious about doing a short juice fast/cleanse and think i might try one sometime soon.  i like the idea of taking food out of the equation for a few days, getting a crazy amount of vitamins and nutrients in a few shakes/juices a day, and seeing what the big whoop is.  there aren't a lot of medical studies about the benefits of a juice fast, but there is a ridiculous amount of anecdotal evidence.  i'm wondering if the placebo effect will affect me, because like all good rational humanists, i'm not sure i believe in it.  i'm skeptical, but intrigued, and wonder if anyone i know has tried one of these.  if so, what kind of results did you have? do you think the idea is batshit crazy? will it make me poop like a madwoman?  questions, questions, questions.  leave your answers below!

house for rent!

the house next door is for rent. they won't be making it available to live in until the first of next month, but i'm curious who is going to move in there.  i think it's a bit pricey for a 3 bedroom, even if it does have a fenced in backyard, because you can't even have a dog.  what's the point of the fence if you can't have a pet back there? also, have i mentioned that our street name is kind of ridiculous?  part of it is spelled "vue" which is soooooo annoying.  it means you have to spell it out every time you give someone your address; the pizza guy, the phone company, the dmv, etc.  everyone gives you the stink eye or sighs when you start to spell it out, then you get to the "vue" part of it and suddenly they realize you aren't a condescending bastard, you just live on a dumb-named street. i tried to talk a friend of mine into moving into the house, but he rightly said, "no way, the rent's too high and what's with your street name? was "kountry kubbard" taken?" 

before we get new neighbors we want to put up our own tiny fence or something to block part of their view into our backyard. not so we can have crazy caligula themed parties back there, or start putting cars on blocks, but because there's this weird gap where they can see where we do all the gardening stuff from their front yard.  we think putting up a trellis for peas and beans and other climbing plants should do the trick.  it will give me especially a little more privacy, so that whoever moves in next door won't have to constantly see my ass crack as i bend over the garden.  really, the fence or trellis is more for their sake than mine.