pan's labyrinth

kind of made me want to die. i mean that in a nice way; the story was lovely and the movie was beautiful, but i wasn't really in the mood for the kind of ending so bittersweet i have to sit there crying for a while during the credits. it's really not for kids. it is totally amazing to look at, though, and maybe if it were a different day i wouldn't have been so bummed about it.

ahem. the kids at work are laying the guilt on pretty thick and i know they mean well, and it's flattering they like me so much they want me to stay (like george costanza, i do enjoy ending it on a high note), but i don't like feeling like i'm letting them down. the job was never right for me in the first place, and before i get really shitty at it i should get out. even if i weren't going home, i know for a fact i wouldn't be staying there. commissioned sales is cool in a lot of ways, but i don't care enough to make it work for me. give me an hourly wage and i could care less about perks outside health care.

i'm taking a little time off when i get home, obviously. i'll need to look for a job, get a place to live, and all that jazz. i want to settle in portland because it's halfway between my sister and my parents, and also because it's a new city to me, and the newness part of colorado hasn't worn off yet. i know more people there, which will make the transition easier for me (i think), plus i do already kind of know my way around. going home on the weekends to spend some time on the island is still totally do-able, and weekends in seattle are also easy to arrange. getting people to visit me when i don't live states away is also easier. i want to spend some time on the island right when i get back, then some time in seattle before heading south to really work on employment and a place to live. i just hope finding a job won't take too long and that i won't wear out my welcome on people's couches too quickly. thank god for temp agencies and inflatable mattresses...

i just gave my official notice at work! going home!

i can't get the bad bulb out and the good one in! this is no dirty joke!

colorado hates me

at the very least, the town of mead despises me.

the other night i was driving home when i got pulled over. i had a headlight out, i knew it and had actually stopped at the car place on my way home and picked a few bulbs up, but about five miles away from the house i got pulled over anyway. the cop was nice enough, in that he wasn't a giant dick, but he gave me a hard time for not having a bill of sale on me and then told me horror stories about how he could arrest me and take me in and i thought "i wonder if they'll take away my purse? man, i'd like to take photos of jail, but i bet they'd take away my camera too." jail? why not! being stuck here feels like that sometimes. if i could whistle i would have while being interrogated. damn overbite...

i have short-timers fever. bad.

work uninterests me, i find myself biting my tongue a lot and then sometimes letting it go (last night for instance; some guy was arguing with me about what i could and couldn't accept as proof he worked someplace, and finally i said, "look, i just work here, i didn't make the rules up and i can't break them. it doesn't have to make sense, that's jut how this is."). i can't bring myself to tidy my room up because who cares? it's all going to be in boxes soon anyhow. i need to go back to arguing with the insurance companies today, i've taken a few days off to avoid having an aneurysm, but now i need to get that shit sorted out, and now it's snowing. again. i want to drive the rocket home, but maybe i'll just sell it and buy a ticket out of here. i'd hate to do that, though, the rocket is like the best friend i have right now. it gets me out of the house!

right now i have to go change that headlight, though. wish me luck! i can't seem to figure out how to get into the headlight to put the bulb in.

blogging from work!

illicit! not cool! i could totally get fired for this! however, i'm leaving in a month so who cares?

everyone here knows now. i wasn't planning on telling anyone until two weeks before, but we had a small work emergency/crisis and it came out. our assistant manager was cut, not because they don't like her, but because they just decided to get rid of the position. they offered her either a step down or a severance package, and she chose severance. three months off with pay, i don't blame her. everyone else was freaking out about it, and when asked why i seemed so calm i told them i wasn't going to here much longer, so whatever. by the time the shit really hits the fan, i'll be busy packing and moving and not caring about anything but how many pounds of barbequed pork i can stuff down my gullet at uwajimaya.

the kids at work aren't thrilled, and a few of them have pronounced that i cannot, will not, move. they are doing everything they can to tell me how great colorado is, how i haven't given it enough of a chance, dealing with me (we'll find you a boyfriend! barbequed duck! better roommates! your own apartment!), then just refusing to believe me. it's nice to know i'll be missed, but not nice enough to make me stay.

it's just time to go west.

i hate hippies. they complain more than anyone.

girls in CO all wear cute beanies and parkas. i never could pull that off.

do you think you can keep praire dogs as pets? i kind of want to try.

i really do hate mobile blogger

i sent a few retarded posts last night from the wedding i attended, and none of them went through. so annoying! gosh.

the wedding was wonderful. very sweet and pretty and i was so glad i was asked to attend. i don't know the groom at all, and the bride only a little, but enough to know i like her a lot. it was so fun. there was dancing and a free bar and giant bowls of candy everywhere. the bride's family is such a warm group of people, too. i never once felt out of place or weird being there, however, at the same time i live with the maid of honor so that helped. of course, there were also absolutely no single men at it. what the hell? i had the girls* out, i had my new hair all done up cute, and i felt foxy as all hell and had no one to work my mojo on. shoot. oh well, at least i know the foxy is still there, and that i haven't totally forgotten how to work it. it really is like riding a bicycle!

i'll have photos for you this afternoon, right now i have to go lay on the couch with the cat and watch a movie. also, sometime today i need chinese food.

*you know, the girls. what do you call them? i think all women have a name for their boobs, and i want to know what it is.

weddings are fun, but they always leave me relieved to be the spinster i am.

i am super foxy, and at a wedding w/ no single guys! nuts.

i am super foxy, and at a wedding w/ no single guys! nuts.

hi!

my name is amanda, and i accidentally got drunk tonight. that's the thing about boxed wine; you cannot see how much is left, and then suddenly, POOF! it's gone and you are left feeling like a drunky brewster loser. shoot.

in my defense, i came home to a glass of wine only after spending hours and hours shopping for the right outfit for a wedding i'm going to tomorrow. i have four shirts, one skirt, a cute pair of shoes and another four pairs of tights to create the perfect out of, and now i wish i had this because then i could have built the whole outfit around it. with all the drama lately i'd totally spaced the wedding, and now have to cobble together an outfit that doesn't make me feel hideously fat and disgusting. (who has her period? me? shut up!!) most of the time i'm pretty happy with myself, but tonight standing there in the unflattering light of a mall, hot and tired from walking, peeling myself out of the polyester uniform that is my life i felt kind of down about being a chubby, weirdo-looking girl. i wished i had a haircut, a pair of contacts, a girdle; something to tame my body into being what i want it to be without sacrificing mac and cheese dinners. i don't need two seats on an airplane, and usually that cheers me up, but tonight i keep thinking i could do better.

and i could. and i will. and this might not have been the best year for me, but it wasn't the worst and dammit, at least i learned some shit about myself. like, i like boxed wine. and danny mansmith's work. and snow and huge expanses of space and my nephews and niece and pizzas with salami on them. colorado means a lot to me, but just not enough. i'm excited about the wedding tomorrow and spending time with my friends, even if i do have to find something to wear. go to bed, i've had enough wine.

sometimes mobile blogger sucks!

things i am going to do when i get home

a list, part I

1. eat duck at uwajimaya!
2. and hom bao, onion tofu, bubble tea, barbequed pork, and vietnamese coffee.
3. chew on henry's suddenly fat legs. he grew overnight, i swear! out of nowhere there is chub where before there were only legs!
4. kiss and hug tiernan and jude, and read them books, and tell them how tall they've gotten and how handsome they are and how much i missed them.
5. get tipsy with my mom and then sneak her outside for a very illicit smoke. we will share one and feel guilty for days and it will be great.
6. stand on the beach and smell the ocean.
7. eat good seafood. like really good, caught this morning fish.
8. rub my little brother's tummy and feed him treats and let him sleep in my bed.
9. eat chinese with my aunt and uncle, where i will pinky-swear to never move to the midwest again.
10. read the paper sunday morning with my pop, after arguing over who gets the comic section first.
11. eat pancakes with my portland peeps while looking for a place to live and a job.
12. go to ikea! and eat meatballs and buy shelves!
13. try not to cry.

slow

i spent all day working on a skirt that might be too big. it's pretty, it's poufy, i used this skull fabric to make a little pocket on the side to hold my chapstick, and i like it a lot, but i'll have to wear it for a day to see if it fits right.

i am not the world's best sewer, i'm also not the most patient or good at re-doing things i did wrong to start with, but i really like spending the day to make something. especially something as useful and as part of my daily life as cups of tea, like a black skirt. it's hard to find just plain black skirts that aren't made of some god-awful synthetic material, and i wear them like some girls wear jeans. this skirt i made today has these cute little pleats on it that might make my ass look like it comes into the room before me, though. i know if i just fuss with it some more, or wear it with something flattering it will be fine, but i am hyper-critical of the things i make.

you'd think after all this i'd have a photo for you. i don't! maybe tomorrow!

i've spent WAY too long making a skirt today. i probably shouldn't drink away a hangover...

there is a dude here to clean the windows. he is a REAL dude, as in old, leathery, stoner.

guess who has a pink wine hangover? hint: it's not you.

pink wine is both evil AND delicious.

i am such a classy broad

tonight while i was out looking for a skirt to wear to a wedding this weekend i went to the liquor store and bought a bottle of pink wine and a box of white. yes, a box. i am so classy. although i hate to point this out, boxed wines have come a long way, and instead of you thinking "damn that girl drinks a lot" you should be thinking "that girl bought a box so she could drink it slowly, because everyone knows wine goes bad slower in a box than in a bottle." so there.

i found a very cute shirt* to wear to this weekend's wedding, and i have a skirt that would be okay, but not great with it. i can't find one i love, but i have a cute pattern and a whole lot of very fine-wale corduroy in black that would look good with the top. i stopped at the craft store to pick up some hem tape (because i am a sewer who believes in shortcuts) and found a crazy cute skull fabric that i had to buy a yard of as well. i didn't realize it was on sale, and wish i'd bought more of it now. i might have to go back this weekend and get more.

so now the night's plan is to get the parts of the skirt cut out, drink more pink wine, and enjoy knowing i have another day off tomorrow.

*i actually found two. one of them i really love, but the other one fits a bit better. i'm waiting to see which will look best with the skirt/shoe combo, and then i'm taking the other one back. more class in my little finger than you can ever hope for! ha!

you might just make it after all

in between discovering how much i love black books and watching a variety of sci-fi and horror flicks, lately i'm on another huge mary tyler moore show kick.

when i was going through my nervous breakdown last year, i watched a lot of mary tyler moore. mainly i laid in bed watching it and weeping, or listened to it while in the shower, also weeping. it was not the best time for me. watching mary and how well her life was going was cheerful and depressing for me at the same time. i was jealous of her having rhoda, i liked her little apartment, i envied her work situation. i thought about how our stories were similar in that we were both single women starting over in a new place, but she seemed so much better prepared for it, and also a hell of a lot cuter than me. i know, i know, it's tv and comparing myself to a sitcom is kind of sad, but it's all i could think about. mary could do it, why couldn't i? how did she get up everyday and put on something cute and kicky and go about her life without instantly bursting into tears the second she was alone? at this point i cried about 12 hours of every day; in the car, in my room, in the shower, in the bathroom at work. when i wasn't crying i was puking, and when i wasn't doing either i was tossing and turning in bed. mary was the one thing i could watch, and after the initial crying at the part of the theme song where he tells her "you might just make it after all" i could normally watch the rest without crying. those twenty minute spurts of watching her life instead of thinking about my own were nice. it didn't always work, but it worked more than anything else.

i went back on medication and got my shit together, and couldn't bear to watch mary anymore. it made me remember how awful i felt, it made me nervous and skin-crawly, i still couldn't watch without feeling like i'd failed. something made me pull it out the other day and watching it again made me happy for the first time since i was little and watched re-runs with my mom. it's nice to watch her succeed, i like rhoda, and her tiny apartment is still crazy cute to me. i feel a little sad sometimes watching it and thinking about all the time spent miserable before i got some help, but there are some things you never realize until after it's over. only in hindsight can i see how unhappy i was, how i didn't have to feel that way for so long, how mary tyler moore and colorado were parts of it but not all of it. thinking about how my brain works and how it doesn't is still uneasy for me, but i'm coming to terms with it. one episode at a time.

let the anxiety begin!

i've said it before, and i'll say it again, i'm more excited than nervous about the move this time. however, yesterday i dealt a little bit with my insurance company and the company of the guy who hit me, and that spun me up in a huge way. the gist of it is this: no one wants to take responsibility for my back end (that sounds kind of dirty, eh?), but i say if i have to take responsibility for the guy i hit, then the guy who hit me has to as well. THE END. i really felt at the beginning like maybe insurance companies and car repair places weren't so bad, like i was dealing with some folks who cared, but what it boils down to is cash money and everyone is trying to get theirs. the place where my car is is charging $25 a day in storage fees. no one ever told me this. so far, my car has racked up $500 worth of debt. i bought the rocket for $600, this seems insane. at the car place they're all, "don't worry, insurance will pay for it," but damn, so far i'm the only one picking up the tab.

i feel like dealing with these people makes me shrill and uncomfortable to be around, at the same time i know if i don't stand up for myself they'll walk all over me. i want this resolved, and i want it resolved soon, which means more of me saying things like "that's totally unacceptable" and "i want to be reimbursed for my brand new tires" etc. what they don't know is that i'll settle for less than my car is worth, as long as it's enough to get me home. that's all i want right now, home. i miss my people, i miss my town, i miss the rain and doom and gloom and ikea. i need a hug and a plate of mom's dinner. stat.

yes or no: can you wear peep-toe shoes with fishnets, or is that too much?

in between spazzing out about car insurance issues and money i ate a few bites of an mre. it was strange, but it cheered me up.

man! there is a good chance i am getting screwed by the insurance company. i should have known!

i hate only having ten minutes at a time on a computer!

the long and short of it is this: if i get back some money for my accident, that pays for the move back home. if i don't, mom does. although it's doubtful i won't get anything back for the wreck, so i'm not too concerned.

i'm talking to the box people again about the move, and oddly enough i'm working with the same guy who moved me out here. i'll probably have all my stuff shipped to seattle, because it's cheaper than moving it to portland, then dad and i will unload it with his truck (or a rental) and move it south. it's a little more complicated but a few hundred dollars cheaper that way.

i'm not going to try to transfer from one cell phone store to another, although i wouldn't mind staying in retail. sales is sort of sucky, with commissions and all, but i'm actually sort of used to dealing with the public now, and i have a feeling it will be easier to get a job in the mall or something.

i'm just as nervous as last time, but more excited. i'm hoping to leave the last week of march or the first week of april; either way i want to be home for easter. my sister and baby will be there, as well as my cousins and i think that will be a fun thing to go home to.

i haven't told anyone here yet, but i'm sure they'll figure it out. my roommates just know i'm moving out, not to where. i'm just really tired of all the talking! i have all day off tomorrow, so i'll tell you more then. right now, it's time to go to work. whoo!

it's going to be a task, but i have about 5 weeks to coordinate another cross-the-middle-of-the-country move.

i just ate smoked oysters on crackers and tapioca for dinner. when i eat late, i eat weird.

super secret news: i'm moving back home. end of next month! that is, providing i get $ for my late car. if not, i'm still going, w/less stuff.

salt and pepper kettle chips rule! being at work does not.

i fell asleep last night on the couch at about 7, and woke up there at 5 this morning. i am a rockstar!

i fell asleep last night on the couch at about 7, and woke up there at 5 this morning. i am a rockstar!

being hit on is nice, but relentless is annoying.

i am really bad sometimes at being girly.

who needs to get married? i already have 2 last names and NO mother-in-law. therefore, i rule.

There is a girl here tonight who really wants to be nelly furtado.

i am really bad sometimes at being girly.

who needs to het married? i already have 2 last names and NO mother-in-law. therefore, i rule.

have you seen the brit tv show, black books? it's great!

p.s.

squirrels totally crack my shit up. we have a ton of the little guys out back, and they basically leap across the snowy fields, jumping up and down, like they have invisible springs on their tiny, tiny paws. you can't even see their tracks in the snow, they are so fast and light. they also enjoy terrorizing the local bird feeder, in squirrel gangs of three or four. they are menacing. totally. the birds freak out, and the funniest thing is when the squirrels act like, "no, really, it's okay, we aren't here to bug you," and the birds believe them and swoop down onto the ground to peck at the seed, and then the squirrels bum rush them. i love them. the cat and i watch them while we have coffee in the morning and i find myself cracking up and aria meows like "yeah, right." she wants to chase them around, i want to watch them all day instead of going to work or dealing with the real world. honestly, they are pretty funny. i'm not just saying this because i don't have cable tv.

for some reason i woke up at 7 a.m.

it's all the damn sun from living above ground! maybe my mole-person tendencies can be combated by some good old fashioned sunshine. although it is telling that even though i'm above ground, i prefer to sleep in the tiniest spot in the house, with the smallest window. maybe my mole person is doing okay.

work is lame, my living situation is less lame now that i've told them i'm leaving, but all together i feel like my life right now is full of suckitude. gearing up for another move makes me so fucking tired i can hardly explain it, but i'm telling you--this is the last time for a long time. plus, i've given myself to the end of next month, so that means i can take this week off from thinking too hard about it; maybe by the time i'm ready to really tackle this project i won't be so sick of it.

it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, i kind of want to wander around and take some photos. later tonight i'm going to my very first bachelorette party, which means i have to make sure to find something cute to wear. i'm also going to put some stuff up on ebay, and make a tentative plan for the move. i know i said i was giving myself some time off, but if i have access to a computer i should use it.

aeon flux is dumb, but crazy beautiful.

i am so fucking bored.

getting my taxes back today was nice, working with moody bitches is not! i'm really tired of having to "talk."

tax returns RULE. more than cocktails, cupcakes and cartoons. the rocket is officially mine!

baking while having a cocktail is real fun. go tell your friends!

vodka and gatorade go well together!

"so you & your sister don't talk for 2 weeks, then she's in an accident & suddenly she NEEDS you?!" um, yes. THAT'S HOW FAMILY WORKS.

my brother-in-law gives my sister a bad time because she's "too close" to her family. talking to one of us a day is "abnormal!" what a douchebag.

i'm glad you like the random, small post, train-of-thought entries. they feel like cheating, but i need to vent!

i have been fighting the urge to tell 2007 to go take a flying fuck since it started, and today i give in. 2007, you and i are no longer friends!

a brief explanation

it's hard to post when you don't have an internet connection on your computer, and rely on your cell phone. on one hand, i can tell you what's going on, but on the other it's very brief tidbits.

the long and short of it is that my current living situation is super-mega-bogus. i'm treated like a teenager, told what i can and can't do, and when i point out that i pay rent, that i was invited to live there i'm shrugged off. every three minutes someone is reminding me in no uncertain terms that this is not my house, and i get the message. i've decided to move out, which SUCKS for a couple of reasons, the main one being shit, i have to move again, and this will basically suck out what's left of my money. oh wait, there isn't any of that, so let's just dig my hole of debt a little deeper.

you can tell a lot about people by how the respond and react to your crisis. when i got into my car accident, my roommates cared less about that than making sure i didn't hang up too much stuff in my room. they don't want to deal with a lot of nail holes. they were fussy that i was parking on the street because the garage i use was full of my stuff and they thought i should be moving it all in. i would have, but you know, i was kind of sore and stiff from the accident and trying very hard not to freak out or have a nervous breakdown. also, none of my stuff was in their way! my stuff was in a garage they don't park in. if i were in their way, i could see their annoyance. i feel like i haven't been able to catch a break; instead of concern for me and what i was going through, they were more concerned with pointing out the rules and regulations, telling me all the things i was doing wrong, and making me feel incredibly uncomfortable going "home." it's not my home, i understand that, but there's no need to rub in my face in it. they want help with the mortgage, but they don't want me to be too comfortable.

fine. okay. it's time to move on. if i'm quiet it's because i can only use my phone to post and i'm busy now making more lists and trying not to burst into tears when something dumb happens, like my cupcakes falling. everything is going to be fine, i can get through this. i'm just really tired, you know? at the same time, if i want to be happy then i have to work at it. it's my responsibility, not anyone else's. instead of being miserable i can do something about it. at this point i'm actually really good at filling boxes! and this is just another opportunity for me to go through my belongings and pare them down even more. i will miss my sweet closet, though. dammit.

i'm at a friend's house, and their guest bedroom has cable tv! i'll be up all night, i think.

i am just really unhappy in my current living situation. i'm not sure it's going to work, so i am looking at options.

i think i'm going to be moving again. shit!

maybe i will keep my hair long and perm it.

i've had my cocktail and now i'm even LESS motivated, if that's at all possible.

i have made a lot of progress in unpacking, but i am ready for a drink! of the adult kind...

i really like coffee mixed with cocoa. and watching the office on dvd instead of unpacking and cleaning my room.

say what you want about rob zombie, but he has a wonderful visual sense. his movies are beautiful as well as creepy.

kitten + couch+ movie = a good night. maybe not the most exciting, but good anyway!

box o' goodness!

i got my valentine box from the incredibly good-looking o'neal family, and in there was a tin of tiny smoked oysters. they didn't last five minutes. i dug out the four crackers i had and ate them up. it was perfect timing really; i was hungry but not wanting to cook, and damn if i don't love smoked fish in tins. and! i got a bacon wallet! i pulled it out of the box and my roommate almost died. it was great. bacon is the king of meat, as far as i am concerned. the same as bourbon is the king of liquors.

i can't talk anymore though, because i have to finish unpacking. in fact, i'm going to shut the computer down so it doesn't distract me. unpacking is just as painful as packing for me! i'm going to make some coffee, take a sedative, and get to work.

i joke about the sedative! however, the two together, coffee and downers, is just about my favorite thing ever. if you ever wonder what you should buy me for the holidays, keep that in mind. i joke! a little!

i kind of really want to buy the new fall out boy cd.

evidently i bounced a check

whoo! if my roommate had waited 12 hours to deposit the check i gave him, everything would have been fine. it's my own fault for writing the check and just leaving it out with no little note saying, "um, this needs a few days to mature." now i get to write another check, and explain that i had almost enough money for him, but buying gas for the rental car put me over.

dammit.

i want to spend the rest of today in bed, with the electric blanket cranked to high, reading books and making lists and silently freaking out about how money is coming, but isn't here yet. money makes me the most nervous, and while bouncing a check isn't the end of the world (i'm thinking that's bankruptcy), it still freaks me out. today i get to smooth all that over, and i know everything is going to be okay, but i can't help that my gut reaction is all spastic.

dear car accident, i wish you'd waited a week to show up. or not shown up at all.

plastic is way stupid

i jsut stopped by joann's to have my little joe's framed, and for some reason my card didn't work. i knew for a fact that there was (is) money in my account; not a lot, but enough for what i needed to do. i tried another card, and that one didn't work either. i called the bank, and there was money in there. i came home and looked online and yes, there is still money in my account.

what the hell? i'm annoyed that i looked like such a loser at joann's of all places (i'm mad at them right now, and shouldn't even be spending money there but there are no other crafty places in the area and goddamn i need craft like some kids need crack), and super annoyed at my bank. on the one hand, yay for not spending money tonight, on the other boo at having to go back there tomorrow and figure out what the hell went wrong. i just want my joe's in frames! pretty, pretty gold ones.

on a funny note, i'm pretty sure the lady who was getting my joe's ready for framing thought i was a total wack-job. she was like, "um, did you paint these?" and i explained who dan goodsell was, and all about mr. toast and how i'm pretty sure someday the whole world is going to know about the imaginary world and my joe's will pay for my retirement home, but she was like, "um, okay, eggs." yes, eggs. the cutest eggs on earth, dammit. plus, they will go well with all the other stuff i have framed in gold. ever since i started painting at 12 i've had everything framed in gold. used to make my mother crazy, but now she knows better than to argue with me. besides, they are charming in a tacky way. plus, why shouldn't joe have the very best? gold frames for joe!

i just ate a very spicy burrito, and now i can't feel my tongue!

i hate old people. i take that back; i hate the ones that won't shut up!

i officially ran out of underpants this morning! laundry time.

like pea soup

i grew up in fog, it was one of the charming things about living on an island. most mornings were foggy, and many nights as well. some days the fog would stick around into the early afternoon, and that was really the only time the fog was commented on. i remember reading a horror novel as a kid once where fog featured prominently and it scared me, a lot.

on an island, the fog comes from the ocean. in colorado, where the hell does it come from? there are no great bodies of water to give it off, i can't look at the sky and know it's on its way, it totally confuses me. tonight of course, day 2 of my learning to drive stick epic, the inscrutable colorado fog showed up making it impossible to see past my headlights for part of my drive home. also, one of the quirks of the rocket is that the lights where all the important dash stuff is (speed, gas, etc) doesn't always come on right away. if the rocket is cold, it might take five minutes for them to show. not such a big deal most of the time, but tonight when i started my drive it wasn't that foggy and then about five minutes into it i couldn't see anything ahead of me, and still couldn't see how fast i was going for another few minutes. i can't blame the rocket, how did it know it was going to be so damn foggy when i didn't? the great thing about being in a stick is that i knew which gear i was in, and therefore about how fast i was going, but there was a good three minutes of my drive home tonight that were sheer white-knuckle terror. not being able to see anything is not good. this is especially true when you are an unsure driver. i kind of feel 19* everytime i get into this car.

i managed to make it home, though, and i even took the freeway. i'm feeling more comfortable every minute i drive, and am thinking that by next week i'll feel like taking more adventurous drives, like ones that involve hills. thank god i didn't have to learn this back home. also, i altered my picture of the rocket, and here it is:


*i did not learn to drive until i was 19 and did not get a car until 21. i am a slowpoke.

my chariot awaits

it's not fancy, it's not pretty, and it came with its own name (the rocket) and i love it. it is definitely a boy car, i'm not sure how i know, but i do. abby and dottie were most certainly ladies, but this car is a boy. maybe a teenage boy. a sweet one, before he gets all angsty and starts listening to a lot of lamb of god and hating girls because they don't understand him.

viva le rocket!

in other news, not only did i learn how to drive a stick yesterday but i also did my taxes. take that, life dumping shit on me. i will prevail! i shake my tiny fist of fury at you! my taxes are done and the money is on its way!

this accident came at an awful time, what with the new move and my not having any money in savings or on my cards to use, but at the same time tax season was right around the corner and the rocket was just waiting for a new owner. the initial stress is gone, i slept last night without having horrible dreams and waking up every few hours to freak out silently in the dark, and even though i have some work ahead of me, i feel more confident than i have in a long while. maybe this signals a new era, the "amanda learned how to be a grown-up" year(s). who knows.

I WON

dude! i can drive a stick! not great, and i did stall in at an intersection, but i can drive it and i got home all in one piece and I LOVE THIS CAR. not because it's amazing or fast or fancy, not because it's pretty or is going to help me get a cute boy, but because it's small, good on gas, runs and is mine. i can get to work without worrying or trying to bum a ride (which is hard in the middle of nowhere colorado), i will have some time to get a plan and money together, i can maybe get some sleep and who knows; maybe in some ways this accident was a good thing. i would have never learned to drive stick otherwise, and it has kind of made me realize that as far as being prepared goes i have some work to do.

plus, i have a new car to put bumper stickers on. once i put a peachy-peach air freshener into the rocket, and a glow-in-dark mary, it will truly be mine.

whooo!!! i feel like a genius, even though a whole lot of people know how to drive a stick already. i'm one of them now! i rule!

T-minus fifteen minutes to amanda versus manual transmission! thank god for the warm snap. cross your fingers!

let's talk about something new for a change

don't expect any fun food posts from me in the near future, because i've noticed lately everything i cook involves brown rice, beans, and a variety of veggies thrown in a pot and stewed with lots of curry and red pepper flakes. lately i am regular, and spicy. it's not that i am so in love with brown rice or anything, but this is a meal i can make while totally absentminded, and the leftovers rule. somehow it gets better after a few days, and it takes all the thinking out of meal planning, something i'm all for right now since there is a huge chunk of my brain taken up with that damn elephant in the corner. to be perfectly frank, i am a huge fan of eating the same thing all the time, and have been ever since i was a kid. from kindergarten to the fourth grade i ate the same thing every day; bologna on white with cheese and mayo, carrot sticks, an apple and milk. very rare occasions would find me with gherkins and peanut butter and jelly, and rarer yet were the days when i got underwood chicken salad (something i still crave from time to time). i've heard it said that there are more than one or two geniuses out there who do the same thing, eat the same lunch everyday, wear the same clothes, whatever. routine is kind of nice, and frees up your brain for other things. there was the year i ate exactly 7 chicken potstickers with steamed broccoli every night for dinner. the year i ate a sesame bagel with hummus every morning, and a peanut butter and tahini sandwich every lunch (that was the year of the chickpea, duh). frozen bean and cheese burrito year, spaghetti and marinara months, turkey sandwich weeks, and the brief diet shake phase (turns out i like chewing). you would think that someone who loves food the way i do, who loves reading about it, watching shows about it, making up recipes and feeding my people and trying new things, this would be totally abhorrent to me. the thing is, when i have the time and space both in my life and brain, i use it. when i don't, i pare it down. if i were to try to make anything even remotely exotic or new, i would ruin it. i know my limits, and right now it's brown rice and mish-mash curries for me. be grateful i don't feed you!

also, i am going to learn how to drive a stick tomorrow so if you have any mojo you want to share, you know how to do it. you could also cross your fingers for me, do a little dance, or send nice thoughts my way. damn, i know i've already gotten a lot from you, but just a tiny bit more and i promise i'll shut my piehole and get on with things. while i'm totally nervous about driving a stick, i like to think it's going to open up a whole new world of possibility for me and i'll never again have to say, "no, i can't drive that." cars, watch out.

is it even possible to learn how to drive a stick in an afternoon?

i'm going to learn how to drive a stick! this freaks me out almost as much as the accident.

...yawn...

went to see the doctor yesterday, because i have insurance and if this isn't a good reason to use it, i don't know what is. she felt my neck and prodded me in a few places, told me i was fine, and refilled some prescriptions for me. she gave me a little something to calm me down, which i took when i got home and boy was i calm. as in, i slept for 12 hours. i woke up this morning in my clothes from yesterday (!) still feeling a little grumpy and fussy, but well-rested and ready to deal with my car and car-issues. i made some coffee already, am two steps away from taking a shower, and plan on getting dressed and then spending a few hours on the phone with various insurance adjusters before heading off to work. if i can get the other company to pay for the rental car i'll be happy. that will buy me some time to look for another car, or learn how to drive a stick.

i missed a lot of phone calls yesterday while in my coma, but i wanted to thank everyone for calling and checking up on me. it means a lot. i promise to get back to you soon! a good night's sleep definitely helps, though. man, i had no idea i was so tired. i still feel kind of freaked out and nervous, but not quite as jittery and spastic, and not quite as helpless either. once i finish my cup of coffee, i have a feeling i'll be in an even more ass-kicking mood.

i'm so glad i made an apt w/the doctor so i could wait over an hour!

i'm not even sure where to start

on thursday it was kind of slow at work, and just about everyone was working, and so i asked to go home early. with the move and working 6 days in a row, i was tired and just wanted to go home and do some unpacking and eat a real meal in my new kitchen (not just eat something in the car or standing up). because there were so many of us at work, i got to leave at 4:30. i thought about stopping to buy some groceries, i thought again about stopping at joann's to pick up a box to make a charging center like this, i thought about a million things i should do before going home but i just wanted to be home so badly! so i just drove home.

about a mile away from the house i came up to the top of the hill. the road that had been so nicely sanded and cleared of snow and ice up to then was suddenly covered in a thick layer of white, milky ice. there was literally a line; on one side was dark, black, wet concrete, and on the other was a long stretch of uninterrupted whiteness. i started to slow down, carefully because i didn't want to slide. too late! i realized then that sitting in the middle of the road was a car, and i tried slowing down more. i slid around and felt my rear end fishtail almost out of control, i took that split second to weigh my options realizing that on my right was a guard rail, and to my left was oncoming traffic. i wasn't slowing down and so i started honking so that the car that was just sitting there would realize i could not stop, then right before i hit i put my hands up like "i give up" and yelled oh shit. the front of my car crumpled like on tv, my glasses flew off my face, i crashed into the steering wheel and everything flew to the front of my car. two seconds later, two seconds that felt like hours suspended underwater, and the car behind me crashed into me, spinning me to the right and taking off most of the left of my bumper. i sat there for a second, thinking, "no way." after all, i'm 29 years old and have never even been in a fender bender. a moment later i panicked because i couldn't see, everything was crazy blurry and then i realized i didn't have my glasses on. i couldn't see them, so i put on my sunglasses to hunt for them. i saw one of the other drivers shaking his head at me when he saw me, like "stupid fucking girl wearing sunglasses in the dark" but they're prescription and in the dark i see even worse so i had to use them to find mine. i thought about how ralphie stepped on his when he shot them off his head at the end of the movie and started worrying about crushing mine. i found them under my brake pedal, covered in cold coffee and dirt. i got out of my car, shaky and freaking out, with the wind knocked out of me (thanks for deploying, airbag! oh wait, you didn't. jerk!) and started making calls. i got a hold of a friend's boyfriend first on accident; he had her phone and i didn't realize it. he was incredibly sweet and wonderful, but i needed to talk to someone i knew. standing there in the freezing wind i noticed that i left my car on, saw what damage was done, and looked around to see who else was involved in the crash. it was a bunch of guys. one of them freaking out pretty badly. he was a younger kid, maybe in his mid-twenties, shaking and almost crying, and there was another guy in a bright orange vest, like the kind you see on city workers by the side of the road, telling him that everything was going to be okay, that he had just gotten out of the heart ward of the hospital and the fact that we were all up and walking around was good. his car might be hurt, but he wasn't and that was important. the man in the orange vest has super shaggy hair, down to his shoulders and curly; dark with light ends. he was tanned and lean, short for a man and oddly efficient. everyone was looking at me, the only woman involved, standing there in the snow, covered in coffee, wearing a skirt, an old pair of black slip-on sneakers that i like to drive in, and a blank look on my face. it was too cold to stand there, so i got back into the car and turned it off.

it didn't take long for the cops to show up. one of them knocked on my window and i opened my door (weird but i didn't want to risk my window breaking again). he asked me a bunch of questions and i thought i was talking out loud but he kept yelling "what?!" at me and glaring. my throat hurt and felt dry, i kept thinking "i should be crying, why am i not crying?" and tried to talk up. i tried calling mom but she wasn't answering. i called my sister, and she answered with an angry voice because we've been fighting, but once i told her what happened (four-car pile up, my car is scrunched, i think this is bad) she softened. she stayed on the phone with me while i dug out my registration and insurance card, she told me stories and jokes and tried to shake me from the daze i was in. the cops came back and asked me some questions, gave me some forms to fill out, yelled at me some more to speak up.

at some point a woman driving by the scene stopped. she had on one of those jackets that looks like a sleeping bag with sleeves, a dusty purple color, like a bruise, wild white hair fluffed out about her face. it was windy, the thin strands of her hair floated around her like they had a life of her own. she came up to all of us, said something to the men, hugged a few of them. i assumed she knew one of them, then she came knocking on my passenger side window. i was confused, but said, "yeah?" she opened the car door, asked if i was hurt, did i need to talk? i shook my head no, went back to lay my head on the steering wheel when she stopped me, told me she just wanted me to know that jesus has a very special plan for me, and that i needed to know that. she was praying for me, and we were all very lucky not to be hurt or dead. i murmured an agreement on this last point, then put my head on the steering wheel and went to ignoring her. what a time for prostelyzing. she god blessed me and shut the door. thinking back on it the virgin mary's on my dash might have made her think i cared about what she was saying, but when she said, "special plan" all i could think was "a broken car? that's his big plan?"

the jackass i hit, the one just sitting there in the road, yelled about how i was "tearing over the hill" and how he "pumped my breaks to get her to slow down" but i just glared at him from inside the car. he had evidently stopped to help someone who slid into a ditch, but instead of pulling a few meters down the road and over to the shoulder he just stopped his car where you couldn't see it until you were over the hill and it was too late. the more i think about this the angrier i feel. if he had just pulled further down the road, over to the side, i would have had room to slide a bit before my tires caught, i wouldn't have had to decide if i was going to hit him, the guard rail, or the traffic coming toward me. i had to make that horrible decision in about half a second, and it says a lot that the guy behind me, the one who saw me sliding and honking and trying to get out of the way couldn't stop either.

i got a ticket, of course. it's about $60 and the least of my concerns. if i pay it within 20 days i get my 4 points reduced to 2. my shoulder hurts, my neck is wonky, i bruised one of my knees up and my ankle is also stiff. i have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. i brought my car to a body shop and they think the damage to the body is more than the car is worth. i rented a ford focus, which oddly enough, is all zippy and fun to drive. of course, i drive it with my teeth clenched and my knuckles white and palms sweaty. every car i see on the road is a potential enemy. i lie in bed at night making mental lists about all the things i have to do, trying to figure out where exactly i'm going to find the money to pay for a new car, why i didn't get full coverage insurance, whether or not the other guy's insurance will pay for anything, trying to remind myself that it could have been worse, i could have been hurt or hurt someone and that this is something that a LOT of people have gone through. of course, explaining this to my brain is small comfort, as it just wants to run through every doomsday scenario over and over again, embellishing each scenario with a little more gruesome detail (i'll end up broke, on the street, with no teeth!). if i sleep at all right now, it's fitfully and in starts and stops. a few hours here, a few hours there, waking up wide awake and unsure of where i am. the move is stressful enough, this was something that could have waited a week or two to happen!

i know that i just have to plow through this, grit my teeth and deal, but i want to just lie in bed for weeks. i might not be sleeping in there, but it's better than facing the real world. my roommate's are upset i'm not unpacked yet (!), and i still have no internet access so i can't really look for a new car or start selling stuff on ebay. luckily my friend M at work, M who was the first person i talked to after the crash and was the most helpful, M who is my new best friend, lent me his computer and connection card for the next few days. i'm going to use it to look up what i should do next, figure out how much a new car might cost me, map out a few plans and start selling stuff.

honestly, i feel totally overwhelmed. this has never happened to me before, and i am woefully unprepared. if you have any advice you can offer, i'd be glad to hear it. i'm going to go unpack some stuff now, maybe set up my bookshelf and listen to some more elliot smith. i do realize that i'm lucky to not be hurt, that walking away from a crash that big is a wonderful thing, but i am kind of freaked out about what i'm going to do next. this was the longest post on earth! sorry. i've been carrying all this around with me for days, making notes on post-its and drawing little pictures of crashing cars on everything. i'll be fine in a day or two, i just need to adjust and figure out what to do next. not having a plan feels a lot like careening down that hill, not able to stop, numb and cold and extremely slow.

i will never have money again. also, i forgot my lunch at home and my knee is suddenly purple. someone send me pills!

i was loopy earlier from old pain pills and shock, but i think the reality of all this just hit. i might never sleep again.

nothing like a car crash to get fighting sisters talking!

my phone hates the kitchen. sign from god?

at this point, totalling my car sounds like the best plan.

fact: dealing w/insurance companies blows! also, i feel like a rube, and worry about being taken advantage of.

i'm ok! my car is scrunched, my sternum is sore, but we both made it home. i have more to tell you, but i wanted you to know i'm fine.

everything was fine, i was going home early and thinking about how wind blows around snow like fog, then crash! i feel like weeping or barfing.

a text to me from J

Fwd: Pants pants your so fine, your so fine you blow my mind...hey pants, hey pants!

i just ate a burrito the size of henry! i seriously need a nap now.

i wonder if i'll ever NOT be tired again. i would really like to be both warm and awake at the same time. also, i miss my computer.