today's hangover is like a force of nature. it's almost tomorrow & i'm still suffering! making brownies now, watching the one tv channel we get.

i'm watching the news tonight, and it's awful. now i remember why i never watch!

the boy isn't coming out tonight. i know he has a life and had stuff planned for tonight weeks ago, but Damm. i look cute!

last day, bitches!

of work, i mean. technically i am on the calendar for tomorrow, but with the rocket being muerto and no one who lives in my neck of the woods working tomorrow either, i am not going to come in. shitty? yes. however, i could use that day for packing. you know, if i ever actually get around to that.

the boy did not call me last night. therefore, he must hate me. this is why dating for me is so retarded; i invariably go for worse case scenario with everything. headaches equal brain cancer, the wrong song on the radio when i wake up is a portent for bad news to come, someone calls late at night and it's never a drunk dial it's always emergency, etc. so if he doesn't call, then he obviously totally hates me. the chances are also good i just called kind of late for him and he was finally sleeping off his cold.

tonight is my going-away party, and while i'm excited about going out with my friends i'm also kind of sad. calling everyone this week and getting everything ready i realized i have more friends in colorado than i thought i did. how did that happen? i'm also fairly sure i talked justin into buying me a corsage for tonight! i kept bugging him about it last night, telling him i wanted a pink wrist corsage for tonight, and he was like "why?" and i told him i just wanted him to buy me something pretty and stupid, and i like wearing flowers more than just looking at them. he's been balking, but then this morning i sent him a message reminding him he totally fell down on the job this christmas and therefore, HE OWES ME. i think i guilted him into it. he asked what color i wanted, i told him pink. i have a cute pink shirt i'm going to wear out tonight, and i plan on getting pleasantly tipsy and enjoying my friends.

i talked to tiernan van this morning, and he seems happy to have me coming home. i miss talking to him and laying around on the couch reading books with the little man. i've been having a lot of crazy dreams about home, about the ocean, about my friends and family. in a lot of ways i'm ready to go, but i didn't expect to feel sad about it. i honestly thought i would just burn all my bridges and go out giving colorado the finger, but i kind of want to hug it before i go. we're just a mismatched couple, nothing more. there are things i love about here, including the wide open spaces, the cheap beer, the kids, but i just love my people more. so yay! going home.

the rocket is still dead. i am annoyed, but at the same time it gives me a good reason to not come into work tomorrow. say hello to my last day!

on the menu tonight:disappointment. the rocket died. i'm just glad he did it in the driveway. tomorrow is my going away night out, & i feel sad.

johnny marr's birthday is the day after mine! thank you, wikipedia.

some guy has just spent fifteen minutes arguing with customer case about nine dollars.

my short-lived colorado love life

i've always maintained a certain sense of privacy about my love life, or lack thereof, on my blog. it's true i like to point out how long it's been since i've been on a date and things like that, but details about specific boys i date are totally off-limits. i was in the shower this morning and thinking about that and wondering why i'm always so tight-lipped about that sort of thing, and the first thing that pops to mind is that talking or writing about something tends to jinx it. we all know how superstitious i am, and when good things are happening i try not to say anything lest it go sour. at the same time, this thing with this particular boy is jinxed right now anyhow, what with my impending move and all, so why not give you some details? besides, i'm kind of dying to talk about it. not literally, of course, but it's something i've been thinking about a lot and what the hell. it's not like i'm going to name him or anything, he doesn't know my blog exists, and this will give you the extremely rare glimpse into the part of my brain that deals with dating/boys/sex and love. (jeez, that was a long explanation. still reading?)

i met him five days ago. friends of the roommates had actually tried to set us up a few months ago, but the night we went out he was busy doing something else. these friends of friends are lovely people, and i thought it was sweet that they'd only met me once but liked me enough to want to set me up with their friend, but didn't think any more about it. last friday i got home in time to go out to dinner with my roommates, and on our way into town we called their friends and told them they should meet us. they brought tom* along.

we'd had a few drinks before meeting up with everyone for dinner, and at first i didn't pay much mind to him because they'd brought out the baby and i wanted to chew on her little cheeks and hold her tiny hands. he was cute, sure, but i wasn't looking, you know? i was wearing an old sweatshirt and my work pants still, i was moving in less than two weeks and didn't feel the need to impress him. dinner went on and on, we had all the courses and some more drinks and everyone very slyly sat us next to each other and one thing led to another and we were talking and talking and then kind of holding hands under the table and i can't even remember when it started. i think i was making a point and pushing on his knee and his hand just found mine and there it was. the friends with the baby had to take her home, and the rest of us continued going out. we went to this adorable pub named after my nephew (where my roommate and i conspired to steal a pint glass because it had his name on it. it's the perfect gift for a five month old, don't you think?), we went to this crazy karaoke/martini bar run by an old cowboy where i sang some bon jovi, we snuck kisses in when we thought no one was looking. i'd almost forgotten how fun it is to not be a third wheel.

i honestly just thought we'd make out and never see each other again. starting something so doomed seemed (seems) insane. i did stay the night at his house (i don't have a lot of time to play coy, and still don't), though, and the next morning instead of the awkward, "that was fun! see ya later!" he made breakfast, i called in sick to work, and we spent the rest of the day hanging out, napping on the couch and watching movies. he drove me home and made a date for the next day. since then, i've been trying to see as much of him as possible. i can't speak for him, but i get the same feeling from him.

even though i'm leaving soon, i feel like right now i just want to pack as much time with tom in as possible. i should be packing and labeling boxes, seeing the doctor one last time to use my insurance up, forwarding my mail, doing a million other things, but instead i like to make lists in my head of the things i like about him. i carry the phone with me from room to room in case he calls or sends me a text message, whereas before i ignored it and mildly resented it for reminding me of work. i worry if it's been a while between calls, and then feel stupidly elated when the phone rings and it's him on the caller id. of course, i don't call him because i am neurotic about the phone and don't call anyone, but i especially can't call him because everything i say is so impossibly stupid. there are gaps the conversation where you can only hear the hum of the phone, and the more i struggle for something witty or smart to say the longer the pauses last. i like to think of myself as independent and with enough self esteem not to worry too much about what other people think, but when he tells me i'm pretty i feel like i won some prize. the only people who've told me i'm cute in the past year have been people related to me, and hearing it come out of his face made me think, "really? you think so?" i like the way he holds my hand and opens up doors for me, i like stretching out in bed and pushing my foot up against his before falling back asleep, i like the spray of freckles he has on his collarbone and i even like his dog. he has dimples you could drive a truck into and for some reason i never realized how much i fucking love dimples, and his smile is wide and clear and he's not stingy with it. we talk about old horror movies and rob zombie, he tells me stories about the kids he works with (he's an elementary school teacher), and we talk about our families. we joke about our horrible timing, but not about the move itself. i can't say anything about it to him, it feels mean to me. i feel guilty about missing my people and home, and i don't want to know how he feels about it. either he's okay with it or he would rather i stay, and in both cases i'd end up feeling shitty. i want him to like me enough to want me to stay, but i can't expect it and shouldn't want it. it's a selfish thing, and let's assume he does want me to stay, what would i do about that? i can't even think about it, much less talk about it. ignoring it probably isn't the greatest strategy i've come up with, but it's the only one i have now.

this was the longest post ever. i hope it wasn't terribly boring for you. i promise the next time i talk about tom, i'll get to the point and won't spend so much time explaining every little detail. maybe. i'll try, anyhow.

*obviously, not his real name. oddly enough, i've never actually dated a tom, but my sister did in high school and i loved that boy.

i an painfully bored. also crazy annoyed with the boys i work with. the pretension in the room is stifling. worse than farts!

i have 3 more hours at work. too long! this week already is dragging.

hi jerks!

not you, the customers who come into the store. honestly, i've rolled my eyes so much today i think i strained an optic nerve. ow, it's hurts to hate people so much!

i saw shortbus last night. aside from all the talk about the graphic sex i didn't know a ton about it, except that i do love john cameron mitchell. i don't know much about new york, or clubs where kids have sex all in one big room, but i've watched enough tv to know a sexual salon is plausible. completely, totally, intensely outisde of my range of experience, but i'm sure some people have group sex! or sex in from of other people! in any case, the sex itself wasn't nearly as porny as you might expect. i mean, it was sex and you got to see penises and vaginas and drag queens and vibrators, but it didn't feel cheap or like sex for the sake of sexy. porn tends to have a sense of the outrageous and is hyper-sexual, unlike real sex which is sometimes messy and funny and weird and not as loud. the stories about the characters were touching and easy to relate to, even though, as i've mentioned before i have no experience with orgies or sex in public places. i don't know, i liked the film quite a bit, it was funny and sweet and engaging, and just happened to have people fucking in it. i don't know that it would be everyone's cup of tea, especially if you are anti-queer sexiness, and i'm sure not everyone needs to see the sex in a film, but i thought it was refreshing. enough of the soft core sex in movies nowadays, all soft-focus pull-aways and innuendo. why not put a little porn in films? not all movies, of course, but really, what are we hiding from? the line between smut and art has always been blurry, so let's smudge it a little more. if we can put jenna jameson in mainstream films, why not let her (or any actress, really) do what she does best?

i don't know anyone else who's seen it, so if you have, i'd be interested to know what you think. i kind of want everyone i know to see it so i can talk about it with them. that's your cue!

creepy

saw dead silence last night, a movie i knew nothing about except it looked delightfuly cheesy and creepy. it had all the things i love in a horror film including scary dolls and donnie whalberg (who was really good!), but i had forgotten how fun it is to see a horror movie in the theater. behind us there was a group of teenage girls and boys, and at the especially intense parts they screamed and jumped and spazzed out, disolving into giggles when they quieted down. there were a few startling moments, to be sure, but i think i was more startled by them. it was fun. watching a scary movie on a big screen is totally different from watching it at home on my little tv, and i needed a palate cleanser so i came home and watched a decidedly non-horror film.

it was a fun night, and that's all you need to know. however, i think it's worth pointing out that i've had more fun in colorado this last month than i've had EVER here. maybe i expected too much from it here, and now that i expect nothing i can finally appreciate it. maybe i've been drinking more. maybe this is the last little trick colorado is playing on me. i have no idea. thinking about it makes me tired. i can't tell if it has bigger meaning or is just a coincidence.

the science of my sleep*

last night i had the craziest dream. i was at a state fair, with a wristband to see a concert later in the afternoon along with some friends. the state fair was reasonable enough; large, spread out, dusty, with a whole lot of booths of people selling crafts and vegetables, an indian food stand that i was very excited to see (as colorado is not known for it's good indian food), and my aunt and uncle were there as well. in the center of the outdoor fair area there was this enormous building, filled with tiny shops, showrooms, theaters, restaurants and condos. i wandered into it with friends, right before the concert that i desperately wanted to see, and spent the rest of my dream running through it trying to find my out. i could hear the concert starting, knew that there were a few opening bands so i wasn't very panicked at first. i wandered through the giant building, stopped for a beer with a girl i haven't seen since we went to college together, marveled at these crazy, elaborate "showrooms" you could walk through. i had a feeling they were some modern part of the fair, and had something to do with interior design and creative building. as the bands kept playing though, i got more and more anxious, running through rooms i'd already seen, brushing off my friends, becoming sidetracked when one of them promised we could see the show from their condo. i went up there, it was a huge apartment full of people, i had a beer, then realized that you couldn't see the show from there, you could only hear it. "what do you need to see it for?" i left, running through hallways, taking elevators that were filled with couches, getting lost in the parking garage before finally catching a glimpse of the show. of course, it was from the giant building and i had to somehow find my way out still, and across the lot to the place where it was. but i was happy to know what i was aiming for. there was the requisite sightings of co-workers, old friends i went to high school with, family members and celebrities.

it was all very surreal and intense, and even though i felt rushed and freaked out because i wasn't where i wanted to be, i loved looking at the crazy rooms filled with interesting furniture the small voice in the back of my head wanted me to stop and look longer, so i could draw them when i woke up. i love when my brain makes crazy shit up. i especially loved the couch as elevator thing. it was a surprisingly comfortable ride.

this morning i lazed around the house, eating breakfast with my roommate's outside on the back deck. took a ridiculously long, bad-for-the-earth shower, worked on a shirt i'm embroidering a mushroom on, thought about laundry and had some coffee. i have an honest-to-goodness date tonight, which figures since i have ten days left in this stupid state. i'm not going to say much more than that, normally i don't talk about dating or boys or what have you, but i thought it was worth pointing out because i find it hilarious that the moment i'm ready to go some cute boy comes along and it feels like colorado is once again trying to fuck with me. oh colorado, your sense of humor is twisted at best. but i won't lie, i'm excited about actually doing my hair and putting on some mascara and getting to hang out with someone new. the kissing too, that's fun.
*i've been watching the science of sleep kind of on and off today; i think tomorrow i'll have to really sit and watch. i love it, i just have a million things i should be doing, and am easily distracted today.

my, how things have changed

i got an email earlier tonight from a friend of mine who needed help picking out a phone that would work with the bluetooth in his acura. HIS ACURA. mind you, when i met this boy, he drove a VW bus, had longer hair than mine, and a penchant for jam-bands. now he has an acura! and khaki slacks! and short hair! however, he is still a vegetarian, and he did provide me with the greatest nephews on earth, so i am not complaining. it's just a very damn moment when you realize "oh shit, we're growing up." by "we" i mean, of course, all my friends. i'm still single and sans-cat or children, and looking to move myself both out of this state and further into debt. i do get carded a lot less, and that's grown-up enough for me right now.

i never told you about my ridiculous st. patrick's day, did i? i went out with friends from work, wore the de riguer green shirt and some new shoes of mine (that i ended up scuffing, but damn, they were cute!), drank green beer and many car-bombs, and had a blast. i ended up where i always do after nights out in fort collins, at meaghan and kevin's house, in one of their guest bedrooms. i love their house. it's close to downtown, it's big, they have two wonderful dogs and cable tv. i think sometimes i drink just so i can spend the night there. in any case, a whole bunch of us went back there including some married guy who honed right in on me. i knew he was married, and kept turning him down. plus, he wasn't exactly my type. we had fun talking about music and stuff, but i think he mistook my general friendliness for something else* and just would not get the hint. he followed me to my room, where he tried to feel me up, and so i got up and told him i had to puke. i did not have to puke, barf or otherwise vomit, but i kind of think of barfing as being the biggest turn-off on earth so i used it. i hung out in the bathroom for a while, drank some water, did some coughing, sat around then headed out. seeing that he was still in my room, i decided to crash on the couch. guess who came looking for me? um, hello. i fake-barfed to get away from you and am now sleeping on the couch instead of my perfectly wonderful guest bed and you still don't get the hint? so i fake barf again, only this time instead of taking my time i head for the bathroom and make a beeline to my room, where i lock the door and turn on the tv and go to bed. yay for me! yay for locks! the next morning said boy tried to be miffed with me, but i ignored him. i woke up quite pleased with myself, albeit hungover and with a sour stomach.

i also decided that night that colorado is full of people who are already dating other people. i know one single person in the whole state beside myself, and pretty much everyone else i know is dating someone they went to high school with, which is just about as foreign a concept to me as dating my cousin. why would you date someone you went through puberty with? maybe bigger schools make this less of an issue, but i can't wrap my brain around it. i would never in a thousand years date someone i went to high school with, but evidently here i am in the minority. plus, i'll never find my jewish prince charming here. at least on the west coast i have a fighting chance. speaking of west coast: 14 days! fourteen!

*this never fails to mystify me. talking about music and agreeing that marylin manson is not the devil is not exactly an invitation to my vagina. it's small talk. when one of you is married, it's more than small talk, it's chit-chat at best. i cannot figure out what in our conversation exactly led this boy to believe that not only did i want to do him, but that his being MARRIED wasn't an issue. what the hell. plus, he was enormous. i wasn't going to mention it, but he was a fat bastard and that wasn't helping his cause either.

i applied for a job today! i also did a lot of loafing, some reading, some sewing and a dash of packing. tonight i'll do even more packing.

the hummus i made yesterday is seriously garlic-y. you could set my breath on fire!

packing sucks less when you don't bother to ever unpack in the first place.

hummus, cheese, and crackers is a delightful lunch.

it's a lovely, overcast day. cool and dark and wonderful for lying around the house watching movies.

stranger than fiction is much better than i expected. it is positively winsome. plus, i love maggie and will.

my last two weeks in co feel more like vacation than anything else. why pack when i can lounge on the deck painting my toes?

nerves

today one of my roommate's asked me if i was nervous about moving. i'm not. i should be, given that i can't exactly afford it, don't have a job or place to live lined up, and won't have a new doctor/shrink for a while. everything in my life points to chaos and me freaking out, but i'm so excited i could care less. it will work out. i will be broke for a while, very broke, and then i'll get a job and i'll hate it, or be scared of it at first and then hate it, i'll spaz out on occasion and get mopey too, but i'll be home. i can visit my mom and she can make dinner and i can curl up with her on the couch and watch movies, and dad can harangue me about work and we can watch the sci-fi channel together. if i feel weird and freaked out in portland i can head over to the o'neals and read books with t and chew on henry's fat legs, and try to convince anne that drinking on a weekday is perfectly okay! my friends and family are at home, and so the move back to there is a lot less stressful. honestly, if you said to me right now i could go but had to leave everything here, i would just go. i mean, i'm glad i don't have to (i love my computer table, i could never leave that behind!), but i would do it.

i still have about a million lose ends to tie up, and many a list to make with items to check off. however, i did put up a few signs on in the rocket and have already found three potential buyers. i thought there was no way i could unload that car, but i think it will be easier rather than harder. i have a lot of boxes still packed from the last move; and what i want to focus on right now is getting rid of even more stuff that i don't need. i have sweaters that i love but never wear that will become pillow covers, more stuff to sell on ebay, fabric i should get rid of, that sort of thing. i have two days off in a row this week, i plan on spending tomorrow doing nothing but drinking coffee and getting stuff done. if you see me here too often, please feel free to do some scolding.

i really shouldn't be allowed to work anymore

why? because my patience is worn worse than thin, it's practically invisible. it's barely there, it's hanging by a thread! today some jackass frenchman (i'm serious. he was french! with zee verry stoopid accent!) came in huffing and puffing and trying to blow my house down, but i stopped him with my icy stare. he complained and bitched and pissed and moaned about how they set up his account wrong yesterday and how stupid everyone was, and so i got it all fixed and when he went to complain again and i pointedly said to him, "um, then why did you pay for something you knew was wrong?" i mean, COME ON. if you're going to be a total jerkface, at least be a jerkface about something reasonable.

holding my tongue has never been my strong suit, but faced with only two weeks of work left, it gets even worse. let's hope i don't get fired before i quit.

onion, with cream cheese and jelly

i'm pretty sure i ate a slightly moldy bagel this morning. i kept the package of them in the fridge, i don't know how it got moldy. before you freak out, it was only a tiny bit moldy, and it was only that last bite that tasted off, and one of my roommate's has the flu anyhow so maybe the mold will help protect me from getting the plague.

i promise a real post soon, talking about interesting things and not what i've had to eat/drink or what i've packed.

i ate fritos for dinner. that can't be good. but they are delicious.

i found jello shots in the fridge! yay!

pink bubbly in the afternoon, taking off work early, washing the rocket, all good stuff.

my tattoo is peeling! both are healing beautifully. i love tattoos.

knowing i only have a few weeks left at work makes coming here a lot more bearable.

guess who spent all day on her friend's couch watching cable tv and being hungover?

um, i might be dying. tired, hungover, ready for the first nap of the day.

a coworker asked if i wanted chinese for lunch and i said "no, i have leftover pizza from tomorrow." MAGIC PIZZA.

*quickly*

i'm on my way to work in like five minutes, so here is a short list of newsworthy/newsbloggy things:

1. i pulled out my gold shoes to wear to work today in honor of st. patrick's day. honestly, they crack me up.
2. i told my roommate's last night i'm moving.
3. at this point in time, i have three people who insist i have to go back to get tattooed with them before i leave town. which means lots of needles in my future, i suppose.
4. british sitcoms are king, except when it comes to arrested development which is (as always) TOTALLY AWESOME. i recently splurged and bought all three seasons, and watching a little buster in the morning renews my will to live.
5. i am seriously, painfully broke right now but am still going out tonight. i can't keep the gold shoes at home, no matter how hard i try. plus, maybe i will con some drunken boy into buying me a beer. it could happen...

brit sitcoms RULE. lately i am hooked on little britian. it is ridiculous and wonderful.

goddamn, today is taking forever!

20 days

i'm in countdown mode, but i suppose you already knew that.

had to buy a new battery for the rocket today, because he decided stalling and then needed a jump was a passe trick; he moved onto "not starting at all" this morning and after a brief panic, a nice tow truck driver, and $80 we were on the road. i wonder if i'll be able to sell him at all? i'd hate to be out the $600 i paid for him, but i'd also hate to drive him home, get stuck in a blizzard on a mountain and die eating frozen ketchup packets from the glove compartment.

the packing starts in earnest tomorrow. so far i've done a lot of pre-packing stuff like getting boxes, tape, sitting and looking at my stuff and feeling tired. you know, the usual. the roommate's are having a party here this weekend, which i was going to go to (since i live here, after all) but i might stay in town that night and go out with some friends. that means either way, i need to have some stuff out my bathroom and cleared out in my room. the mess will put off most of the nosy folks, but i don't need to be known as the weird, messy roommate who won't put in an appearance. take the "messy" out of that sentence and i feel more comfortable.

i got a new tattoo yesterday, and had my wrist touched up as well. they guy at the parlor was incredibly nice and sweet and did a great job. i wish i'd found him sooner! the friend i was out with got a huge tattoo down her side and it is super foxy. mine is just a tiny thing, right behind my right ear. i thought it would hurt like hell there, what with all the bone, but it didn't hurt at all. i could hardly feel it. when it heals a bit more i'll take a better photo of it and you can see it, but until then you can check it out here in a cameraphone picture.

i had a very sexy dream about bruce campbell last night. in it, i got to shave his face.

the rocket really, truly, honestly hates me.

good vs. evil

the evil: the insurance company that is paying me for my car wants money for the storage fees. the storage fees were more than the cost of the rocket.

the good: they only wanted $200 of it.

better: they want to reimburse me for the rental car i got, which i paid $150 for.

great: they only need my title and copy of the rental car receipt and then my check's in the mail!

evil: i can't find my title.

more evil: i could get a replacement, but that takes anywhere for 8-10 weeks.

absurd: i could call and ask my mom where she thinks i might have put it, but then pop would find out that that would be just something else for him to stress about and then freak out on me about. damn!

just plain annoying: i'm going to have to spend some serious time going through boxes i was hoping not to have to unpack in order to find this important title, which i should have put someplace safe, and which i no doubt thought i did. of course, someplace "safe" for me can be just about anywhere. wish me luck!

update! i found the title! but not the receipt! and honestly, come to think of it, they were supposed to mail it to me but i don't think i ever got it. i might have to go by there and ask. although having the title is the most important thing, so whatever. yay! i can sleep now!

i love the bluth's.

i bought energy drinks tonight so i could pack, but i also bought arrested development. damn.

i have 2 more hours at work. I CAN'T DO IT. ok, i can, but don't want to.

23 days left!

notes from an empty house

this wine was so disgusting i had less than half a glass and then poured the rest down the drain. i bought it because gary taxali did the label art, but it was a disgusting mess of overly-purple swill, and while i am not above drinking cough syrup for a good time, i am against this. in the end, i didn't even keep the label!

things at work are deteriorating rapidly. my boss wants me to take less days off, he wants me to work more to help everyone out and while i love my co-workers, i have no love for the company. they dicked me around for eight months before hiring, offered me a higher position, took it away from me, and now they want me to be a team player. sorry, but it's not going to happen. besides, let's assume i do them this favor and work my ass off the next few weeks: the only thing that will happen is they'll put off getting a replacement for me and my co-workers will be doubly screwed. tough love hurts, but sometimes it's the only way! plus, i have a shitload of packing and tying up loose ends to do. even if i wanted to help them out, i just don't have the time.

i watched a movie about anton laVey and the satanic church last night, and while the black mass scenes were ridiculous and laughable, i really liked it. i want to go find a book about him now. i liked hearing him talk, and am totally curious now. i especially loved the old lady in the film; she has this cute short white hair, a red dress, a red pentagram and was the funniest thing on earth. i kind of want to be her when i grow up!

i'm watching an old movie about the church of satan, and it is GREAT.

i can't wait to live alone again. i can make a mess, wander around in my underpants, leave my laundry in baskets, watch what i want when i want!

attention: i am not a team player! just so you know.

did i tell you i am on the oregon leg of the mr. toast tour? i'll be his pdx guide. i might take him yurt camping! definately to play w/t & h!

check out NYtimes.com, sunday magazine cover art is brendan monroe!

i am so annoyed!

remember how i ordered some knitting needles and yarn and shit from joann's? LIKE THREE MONTHS AGO? yes, once again they said they shipped it and left it on my front porch, but once again, it's not here. never has been. i am so fucking annoyed i can hardly stand it. i've been patient, i let them try again, but this is too much. i sent back a terse reply today and politely told them i don't want their goddamn needles and shit, i want my money back. now. i've ordered a lot of things from joann.com, and never had this kind of problem, but i can assure you that i will never order anything from them again. sucks to be them, because i spent a lot of money that way.

ahem. enough of the yelling early in the morning. i went to a party this weekend where the birthday girl alternately cried, sobbed, puked, yelled, laughed, and puked some more. it was fun, but not really. i'm all for sloppy drunkenness (see: a lot my saturday night posts), but there's a line that shouldn't be crossed. also, getting kicked out of bars isn't as much fun now that i'm an old lady. i did, however, look super cute that night and that should count for something. i slept most of yesterday away, which was fun, and i have the house to myself for a few days now while my roommate's house sit their parent's/in-law's house. i was asked to do it, but said no. they wanted to show me how to feed the dogs, and i'm sorry, but my little brother is a dog and i have a college education. write it down if you're worried, i'm sure i won't kill them. they were insistent on the "showing" though, so i declined. i might be retarded enough to move to the middle of nowhere, but i can feed dogs, goddammit.

jeez. i should go have something for breakfast before i bite some one's head off. must have woken up on the wrong side of the couch this morning...

i spent most of today napping, watching movies and reading. still, i'm sleepy. i love sunday!

it's not a party until someone cries, someone barfs, someone gets into a fight!

sometimes (all the time), going out in a group is nothing but a clusterfuck!

birth, that film w/nicole kidman, is kind of creepy. good, but strange and tense.

done

after the real insurance company got involved, the one responsible for the rear end of my car, things moved along at lightening pace. abby was totalled out, i was given a figure, and i went to clean her out.
lately i've given a lot of thought to colorado, living here, moving home, and all that, but it wasn't until i saw abby again that i realized what i was doing. seeing her was like a punch in the gut; i hadn't realized how badly she was banged up and how lucky i was to walk away from the accident. any other car might have crumpled, but she held solid and i'm a lucky girl to have known her. seeing her also made me think about how the whole colorado experiment has been one big failure after another, but it could have been worse, you know? it's exhausting to feel happy to be leaving and awful at having done such a poor job of fitting in here, i feel pulled in two ways at once most of the time here.

in a lot of ways the accident was the best thing to happen to me. it clarified a lot for me, extremely quickly. without it i'd stay even longer here, which wouldn't be a bad thing necessarily, but would keep me from what i think of as my real life. this is like one very long working vacation, i never felt settled in.

my pop is angry because he sees me as a failure and doesn't like to think he raised a kid who couldn't hack it on her own. it won't do me any good to point out to him that i don't feel like i completely failed; i made it out here on my own, i paid my own way, i got into some trouble but for the most part am coming home intact. there's no shame in (or at least not a lot of shame) in admitting this isn't for me. am i supposed to be miserable to prove a point? perhaps, but i don't want to be. i won't suffer just to show that i can and no matter what he thinks of me i'm still going home. my life isn't what he or my mother expected or wanted for me, but it's still mine. slightly screwed up and weird, awkward and strange at times, but it's what i've made for myself. i can't take any of it back, and regret never changed a thing for anyone. i promise not to talk a lot about it anymore, after all, what is there really to say? i moved, had some moderately good times, realized that it wasn't for me, went home. it's not that big a deal. he'll get over being mad, i'll get over feeling out of place (it will take some time though, i've felt this way for over a year now and it's like second nature to me), and everything will work out.

black books makes me want to drink a lot of wine.

i just got black books season 2! i doubt i'll get anything else done today.

i'm wearing a pirate band-aid as we speak

the cat took a chunk out of my finger last night while we were playing. she seemed pissed when i jumped up and ran to the sink, flailing blood droplets everywhere, narrowing her eyes to slits and yawing. "wuss." it hurts like a sonofabitch today.

i bought my plane ticket home! the kids at work still don't believe i'm leaving, but it's hard to argue with etickets. i talked to mom last night and found out that my dad is mad at me for wanting to come home, which lead me to the following conversation with mom:

"he's mad?"
"yes, very."
"but he was mad when i moved out here!"
"yes, he was."
"he was mad i moved here, he's mad i want to move home, where exactly does he want me to live? hell?! because i'm pretty sure this counts."
"oh, he'll get over it."

i know he will, but it's still slightly uncomfortable and disconcerting to me. it's not so much that he's mad at me (he's mad at me a lot, i tend to do things he does not approve of), but when he's mad at my sister or me he takes it out on mom. generally speaking, pop's a quiet guy, but when he's mad he's not. she has to listen to him yell and kvetch, and it's just not that fun. it's funny when he's mad at the president, yes, but when he's mad at one of his kids it gets old quick. what's worse is that since i don't live close by to them, he will not actually tell me that he is annoyed/mad/pissed off. he'll ignore me until he cools down, which means i can't even take some of the heat off mom. jeez. i think secretly he will be happy to have me home, but he will never tell me that. not unless i get him real drunk and prod it out of him.

okay! today i'm going to make magic cookie bars for a friend's birthday, make some meatballs for me, pack up a whole lot of books, and maybe register my car. probably not. i should do that before i sell it, though, right? having never sold a car before, i don't know how it's done. i'll have to do some research. i'm also going to put some more stuff up on ebay, which is like having a yard sale on your computer.

i did really want to take a train, but the plane was a third of the price. plus, i get there in 3 hours instead of 2 days!

i got my ticket home! 138! one way is cheap. yay! april 5, baby.

so annoyed

i finally got a hold of the insurance company for the car that hit me, and it wasn't pretty. the lady seemed nice enough until she started being a bitch, and then i had to get all bitchy back. i had no idea there was another company involved in my claim until about two weeks ago, and so when she got all snippy about how my car had been sitting there for over a month i pointed out that yes, i knew that, but what was i to do when i didn't even know who hit me and who their insurance was? trust me, i'd like to speed this up as much as the next kid, because i want my damn check, and at this point if it's for $20 i'll be happy. JUST FIX IT. or not. i don't care.

in better news, news that doesn't make me all red in the face and fist-shaking, i looked into train tickets from here to home, and goddamn. they aren't that crazy expensive. it will take about two and a half days, but i like the idea of rolling along on a train, knitting and reading and taking pictures through the window. i might do it. i've always wanted to take a train ride, and what better way to see the rockies?

i start shipping my stuff home this week too. i'm undecided about just shipping it all via fed-ex, shipping some of it and using a box for the rest, but i'm pretty sure i can ship it in pieces for cheaper than the box. plus, i only have three pieces of real furniture to send home; a small formica table, a nightstand, and an old-fashioned school desk. the rest i could leave behind if need be. i suppose i need to do some more research, even though all i want to do now is drink and stew silently.

cheerful

some lady at work today seemed so surprised when i helped her. she said to me, "you are so cheerful, that makes my day." i thought, "huh. it's only because i know i only have a few shitty weeks left." if only she knew!

i'm trying to squeeze in vacation days as well, some here, some there. it's making the kids at work insane, but i put in my time for them, i want them before i go. they are convinced i can get paid out for them but i'm fairly sure they only do that when they get rid of you, not the other way around. either way, i'm not risking it.

the last few months i've talked about nothing but moving! do you hate me yet? god, i am so sick of me, too. so here is a list of random things that have absolutely nothing to do with moving, packing, or hating colorado:

1. i'm on a smoked oysters kick. they are quite possibly the most disgusting canned seafood product on earth, and yet i adore them. nothing makes me happier than a dinner comprised of them, kippers in mustard, crackers, some sharp chedder and a nice can of beer. add some pickled herring and olives to that list and you have the happiest girl on earth. also the stinkiest.
2. i am seriously looking forward to doing some camping this spring and summer. i haven't used my tent once this year, and i can't figure out why. i love camping, even if i do only "car camp." the outdoors is the outdoors to me, and being out in the woods, making fires and eating hotdogs makes me happy.
3. a cat i used to live with, zsa zsa, has cancer. while i am thrilled she lived this long (she's a pretty elderly cat), and have nothing but the best memories of her, this makes me sad. i know she's in a lot of pain, and that her people have chosen to put her down because they love her and care about her, but such a sweetie cat deserved to wander off in the woods alone and do it her way. maybe she'll find a way to do that.
4. so far i am loving the arcade fire album. also loving having napster radio at work; i make these great playlists of things i love and at some point in the day matt asks, "can we listen to something other than your crazy circus music?" i made him listen to the decemberists "the mariner's revenge," and tried explaining how great it is, and he glazed over. he'll miss me when i'm gone! another plus: they had the supersuckers. i kind of want to subscribe so i can have it at my house and make huge playlists of the things i love, seperated into categories like "high school," "after high school," "angst," etc.

i don't want to go to work!

and yet it is absolutely necessary!

tonight after work i want to buy the new arcade fire album. i am also wearing super foxy tights today. they are lacy on the sides, and totally ridiculous.

i think i'm stalling.

doot doo dooo

25 days left. at work, at least. it feels like not enough time, but at the same time i feel like i can indeed get this done. after all, i want to be home by easter, and that gives me a whole extra week after the end of work. i get more excited every day, and every time i see something that reminds me of home i feel positively giddy. portland will be fun. it's like seattle, but with a whole new set of people to meet. i bought a copy of this book today, because i can't wait to explore a new city, but like a little background. i'm sort of familiar with the town already, and it has a lot of things that seattle has (like it's own uwajimaya), along with a generous helping of drizzle, coffee and beer, but it's still different.

don't get me wrong, i love seattle. moving back there would be great in a lot of ways, but i just don't think i'm ready. i have sort of mixed feelings about seattle. there were amazing, wonderful times there, and i met a lot of people i love dearly, but like any town it gets to feeling small after a while and i'm afraid going back there i would fall into some old ruts i've already carved out for myself. portland lets me be closer to home while also being someplace new, and the new part of this experience has been good for me. i'm not ready to settle down yet, either. while there isn't a huge threat of that happening anytime soon (i think you need a boyfriend, your own cat, a job you love, something along those lines, for that to happen), i don't want it just the same and seattle feels like the kind of place i'd like to end up, eventually. maybe. i don't know. portland lets me be closer to home, feels like home to me already.

i'll miss my friends here, but it's just time. i don't want the boys or baby to get too big without me around, i want to see my mom and pop on the weekends, i want to be near the ocean again. if i had never done this i would have always wondered, and now i don't have to.

a short list of things i'm going to do when i get home:

1. get my hair fixed. it's not awful the way it is, but does veer a little bit to the soccer-mom side of the haircut spectrum.
2. lie on the couch in mom's sewing room while working on something and watching movies on her tiny tv.
3. get my own kitten. for once and for all: a cat that belongs to me, that loves only me, and won't have to be left behind if i get the urge to move again. i hate leaving behind the cats i live with! stupid owners.

i kind of want to put "pay rent, not starve" in the objective part of my resume. immature, yes, but honest!

tired!

this is pretty much how i feel all the time lately. i think i have a tiny cold, and it's making me sleepy and fussy. no matter how long i stay in bed, i'm always tired! i know a good night's sleep, no cocktails, and a steam will make me feel better. i've already done two out of three; this morning i'll take an extra long shower and help steam the gunk out of my lungs.

i'm going to start packing and shipping my stuff this week. i fiugre getting boxes out of my way will be a good start, and then i'll have less to deal with when i actually move. at this point i have a little more talk to do with the insurance people, then i'm going to take my check and get the hell out of town. i'm selling the rocket, too. i love it, but not enough to try to drive it all the way home, and honestly as much as i love a road trip (i do really, seriously love them. like some girls love ponies.), i don't think i can stand three days on the road when i know it can take only three hours by plane. I WANT TO BE HOME NOW. i want to be home yesterday, last week, months ago. no more fucking around.

okay, no more complaining today. i'm going to eat some breakfast, take that long shower, and get dressed and get shit done today. in a few more days i'll have a whole day off, to myself, with nothing to do and then i can get serious about the packing. i have twenty days left.

i am very sleepy today! very, very sleepy. i can't wait to be at home in bed.

gerard way dyed his hair black again! we are twins again!

why am i awake? i have 3 more hours before i have to get up!

mead is a state of mind, more than a place

it's a shitty state of mind, however. just so you know.

i'm loafing around the house, waiting for my friend to come and get me so we can go to denver to see a show tonight. it's the my chemical romance/rise against show, and i'm kind of surprised i got him to go. it will be the first time we've hung out solo, outside work. i think it will be fun, though. i have on the cutest shirt on earth, and while it's a tiny bit tight around the mid-section, my girls have never looked so good. someone should give them their own talk show, i could make a lot of money! boobs on tv! i haven't been to a show in forever, even though this one is kind of big (it's in an arena!), and i'm probably too old to love my chemical romance this way, i'm still pretty excited. i love a big rock show, and my chem romance is all about show.

just so everyone is clear on this; i only dye my hair black because colorado is so damn sunny it's always turning red on me. the black never lasts very long, but it makes me happy in a strange, on-the-inside-i-am-still-very-much-fifteen sort of way. i can't wear a sullen face as well anymore, so the black hair is all i have left.

i feel like i've been out a lot lately, which i guess i have been, and last night i finally got some sleep. then i got up early this morning, had two cups of tea, and went back to bed for a nap. it's like i do all my sleeping for the week in one day, catching up on being lazy. the packing will start again soon, and i'm going to need all my strength for that.

i'm watching a movie about clowns! it's not technically a horror movie, but aren't they all?

like a lot of girls half my age in the denver area tonight, i dyed my hair (black) for tomorrow's my chem romance show.

i'm hung over, but got to take a hot shower this morning! thank goodness for friends that live in town.

i am going to make a sweatshirt that says "mead" on the front and "go f* yourself" on the back.

i need help devising a route home that avoids mountain passes. north? south? underground?

away with the subtlety!

colorado isn't playing nice anymore. last night after i stopped at target to buy a new bed (mine has a leak and i am too lazy to find out where it is!) and a hairbrush, the rocket stalled at a light and then wouldn't start again.

in the middle of traffic.

luckily i was about two car lengths away from the light, my hazards all work, and there was plenty of time for me to be seen by anyone wanting to get past me. unluckily, there wasn't anything resembling a shoulder nearby, and even though i was right dead center in traffic, i knew i was safer there were at least everyone on earth could see me. even if i could get out and push the car to the side of the road, there was way too much traffic and with my luck i'd get hit by a car. after all, i wear a black uniform! i stayed where i was, called my pop to make sure i hadn't done something stupid, called roadside rescue where i was told i'd have to wait 90 minutes, then just called the cops. if i never, ever see another cop again i will be happy. however, this cop was super nice, gave me a jump, and the rocket and i were on our way home

while sitting in traffic, thinking about how the rocket might be dead, eating red vines, making calls, i was honked at by no fewer than three cars. flipped off a few times too. i thought, "oh, how nice. yes, the honking is really helping me move my fucking car." yes, i KNOW i'm stopped in the middle of traffic, and yes, i KNOW that this inconveniences you, that's why i did it! ha ha ha! thanks to everyone who scowled at me and revved their engines as they passed, thanks to all the jerks who honked to let me know i was in their way, thanks to all the lovely people who didn't bother to stop to see if i needed any help or was okay.

colorado, you can go fuck yourself. in thirty days i'll be gone, i promise. if you could please stop trying to kill me or give me a heart attack i would greatly appreciate it. your hints that i do not belong here have gone from being subtle to over-the-top, and really, i get it. i'm going! i just need to pack again and then i am out of here. please leave me alone, okay?

p.s. after i wrote this i went to take a shower. for some reason, we have no hot water. yay!

i mean, honestly, if i wait more than 10 minutes on hold, I HANG UP. what jerk calls to complain? i love my job.

a guy called in to work this morning to yell at me because he had waited on hold for 1 1/2 hours for cust care. who waits that long?!