it's been a little over a month since my pop passed away. i went home this weekend to see my mom and my niece, and on my way out of town i stopped to see dad as well. you'd think some grass would have grown on his grave by now, but it hasn't. not wet enough, i suppose. there were some other people in the cemetery, which annoyed me, but it was nice to sit with him for a while. he was never much for flowers (he had allergies and swore up and down we were trying to kill him whenever we brought any home!) so i brought him a smoke and some whiskey. technically, this is a traditional indian thing, plus, i think it would crack him up. he always favored old granddad whiskey, but i couldn't find a tiny bottle of that, so he got some good old jack. the headstone won't show up for a few more months, so for now there's an awful aluminum marker. i will say, though, that while his grave isn't on the slope of the hill (the most popular spot and with the best view), he's got a nice view. lots of farmland, a pretty big red barn, and you can see the town from where he is. i can understand better now why he wanted to be buried; being able to go and see him, such as it is, is a comfort. he always wanted coupeville to be our home, and now we'll always have a place there.

while nothing is ever going to be the same again, i think my family and i are settling in as best we can. pop was a bigger buffer between my sister and mother and i than i realized; every little bump along the way this past month has been harder to navigate. there were quite a few weeks when i couldn't even talk to them. not in an angry sort of way, but our nerves were definitely raw and we had a hard time expressing ourselves. on the one hand, all i want to do is talk about him with them, but it's so hard to bring it up, and i don't want to make anyone else cry or feel bad. i can also only take so much. it's still way too new, way too sharp a feeling. i can't believe everyone goes through this; that seems completely, crazily unfair. it's simply a matter of whether you have gone through it, or you will. honestly, that thought blows me away. that we can go on after this, that in a sense it's a normal part of life, is amazing to me. it doesn't make me miss him any less, but it does comfort me in a odd way.

i know i say it all the time, but i do really miss him. he wasn't always easy to get along with, either. i want you to know that i'm not idealizing him or my relationship with him, but for all his jerky qualities, i still miss him. i'd take all the lousy stuff about our relationship if it meant i got to have him back. i just wish i'd had longer with him.

okay, enough of this for today. i spent all weekend thinking about and dealing with this stuff. today i'm going to do laundry, run some errands, make the house tidy and wait for my little family to come home. i love having one day to myself, but i love it when they come home from school and tell me about their days, and we sit and talk and listen to the radio. i also need to dye my hair all one color; right now it's kind of a hot mess and i'm going to chicago in less than 2 weeks time! i want to be foxy for that trip, and i'm pretty sure foxy doesn't have streaky, ridiculous hair.

you can make fun of me for this if you'd like,

planted stuff, originally uploaded by pinprick.

but lately i'm all about buying wedding magazines. don't get too excited! it's not official or anything (in that i don't have a ring and am not engaged), but i am having one hell of a good time looking at cakes and dresses and wedding favors. D and i started talking about it a while ago, in a hypothetical way, and i started buying magazines to see how much things cost (since i know that we'll be paying for it). i wanted a clear idea of what sorts of expenses we'd be incurring, and how much we'd need to save, and if a wedding was something we really wanted to spend money on, that sort of thing.

does it seem ridiculously early to plan this sort of thing? sure. i admit it's quick. however, there's a big difference between planning and doing. looking at the magazines, having the "that's so hideous!" or, "ooh, i like that" talks are a lot of fun. you know, i always thought if i got married i'd run off to vegas and send my family a postcard, but D is a little more traditional than that. he thinks if we're going to get married, then he wants a wedding. i can see where he's coming from; it will be a first for both of us, so why not have a ceremony and party? it's funny in some ways, because i want things to be less formal, but he's actually got some serious ideas for it. like, i thought a mexican food buffet would be awesome; it could cater to both vegetarians and meat eaters, the foods could be easily customizable, and who doesn't love cheap mexican beer? but the first thing he said was, "amanda, i'm not having a taco bar at my wedding reception." damn. i wanted that taco bar! or else get a bunch of those awesome taco trucks to park right there and cook to order! that would be awesome. i also want a guest list of about 30, but he's got a much bigger family and that's not going to happen. if i made my list today, there's be 15 people on it, and i'd be stretching. if D weren't so handsome and persuasive, i'd tell him to can it, we're going to the justice of the peace.

there's my guilty little secret! me and wedding magazines, sitting a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. ooh, that and i'm moving in at the end of this month. aw yeah, hello to shacking up!

comics and coffee

comics and coffee, originally uploaded by pinprick.

breakfast of champions.

i bought the tablecloth yesterday at fred's. it's one of those funny vinyl ones with the soft back; meant for picnics and being outside. it was just so fresh and spring-like that it had to come home with me. normally we use a cloth tablecloth, but to be honest it's kind of trashed and i hate having to wash it all the time. this one is ghetto and ridiculous, but you can also wipe it clean with a damp cloth. it wins!

tattoo flip flops

tattoo flip flops, originally uploaded by pinprick.

bought three new pairs of flip flops yesterday in the summer sun; one set for the girlchild and two for me (she got another new pair the day before, i'm not a jerk!). of course it's raining today.

power out!

we had a huge power outage last night, go here to read the story. i was at work at the time, with someone actually having a scan. luckily they were out of the bore at the moment, and so we didn't have to crawl in there and retrieve them! it was really strange; you expect a power outage during bad weather, not during a nice, sunny early evening. there wasn't anything we could do at work but lock up and go home, so that's what we did.

once i got home, we realized there was no beer in the house and i really wanted a beer, so we went on a beerventure. found one grocery store with a generator and picked up some tasty beverages and then went back home to relax and wait for the power to come back. we played farkel, nibbled on chips and salsa, and at about 8 we were sick of being inside so we headed for the part of town that did have power to eat a late supper. overall, it was a super fun night. however, in the future i think we need these things on hand just in case the power goes out again or, you know, we go camping. they'd be good for both!

• some sort of battery-free radio. my pop had a wind up radio he used in the bathroom (because you know in my family you can't be more than three feet away from a radio), and i really wished we had one last night so we could listen to the news and see what was going on.
• bigger, fatter candles. we only had some wimpy ones, and we definately needed something to cast some more light. oil lamps would also be good.
• smoked oysters and crackers. you are going to need a snack, and nothing satisfies more than smokey bivalves on saltines. chips and hot sauce were good, but we all agreed we wished we had some fishy treats as well.
• emergency beer rations. what if the store hadn't been open? what then?! i shudder to think.

i'm glad we did have games, and plenty of light to play by in the kitchen. it was fun to be sort of pioneer-esque. i remember being a kid and loving power out nights. mom and pop would light the oil lamps, we'd all hang out in the living room reading and playing games and goofing off. if it stayed off for a while, we'd build a fire in the woodstove and sleep out in the living room in sleeping bags to stay warm. it always felt neat to pretend we were camping, or were characters in a laura ingles wilder book. those are still some of my favorite childhood memories. of course, being a grown-up means now i get to drink beer during power outs, which is also nice.

white toe

white toe, originally uploaded by pinprick.

this year has been somewhat exasperating at times. yes, i met someone i'm head-over-heels for. yes, i get to go on a fabulous vacation to a city i've only barely seen. yes, i got a new job that kicks my old jobs ass. at the same time, i lost a parent. i came to a difficult decision to end some friendships that were pretty shitty. there's been some illness and bad news in D's family. for all the ups, are these downs that seriously just suck. at times i feel fairly philosophical and okay, dealing with crap as it comes and trying to make the best of it. other times you'll find me in a sobbing heap in the shower. i don't know what this is like for other people, but i have a feeling this is actually kind of normal.

the weather's getting nicer by the day. flowers and trees bloom, and i start sneezing like a sonofabitch. apt metaphor, yes? the other day the boychild decided he didn't want to eat meat anymore, right on the heels of his father and i talking about how we think we're eating too much meat (and sort of poorly in general). we were all in agreement; cutting down on meat is a good thing, although to be fair we might sneak some bacon in on occasion. or not. i had a perfectly lovely vegan lunch today, and it didn't require any big effort on my part. tonight's dinner plans are also vegan, by a fluke. white bean and garlic soup, with crusty bread and a side salad. in addition to eating less meat we're going to try to plan out our dinner's in advance. i'm going to become a domestic engineer, to be sure. menu planning seems hokey, but is a good way to plot out what we need from the store and get stuff ready in advance (so we don't cop out and eat out when nothing's ready and we're starving). kitchen time at the house is my favorite thing anyway, so working on makig that a bit more efficient and pleasant seems like a good investment. it might save us some money as well, which will be nice when we go to chicago.

other than this, i'm just busy trying to make it through every day. sometimes this seems like a task, other days, not so much. i miss my pop, i miss him a lot. it strikes me at the strangest times. looking through some of his cd's the other day i was struck with the knowledge that i wouldn't be able to share musical discoveries with him, wouldn't be able to burn him cd's, wouldn't hear what he was listening to and what he thought i should be listening to. it made me cry, but it made me happy that we always had that in common. he introduced me to neko case, and i introduced him to the white stripes. we swapped cd's and fought over what to listen to in the car. who am i going to burn a copy of middle cyclone for now?

(insert song about chicago here)

ahh, travel. is there anything i love more than airports and buses and new places to have cocktails? in a word, no. before pop passed away, D and i were planning on going to chicago; him for a big food conference and show, and me just to tag along and get some quality hotel make-out time logged. we had been looking at tickets and hotels, but you know, stuff happened. for a while i thought i shouldn't go, that the expense was too much, and that given what's going on with my family i should stick to home. the more i thought about it, though, the more i realized a little trip might do me good. D got a scholarship to the show through his college, meaning his hotel and flight are paid for. he's splitting the cost of my ticket and hotel with me, which helps me out a lot. the show is about a month away, and so of course ticket and hotel prices were higher than the last time we looked, but overall, not by much. not enough to keep me home! we got my ticket and hotel booked last night, and i am now officially going to chicago for five days and four nights.

i'm pretty excited. more than that, really. it was hard for me to sleep last night, thinking about the stuff i want to see and do, the food i want to eat, the parks and museums and bars i want to visit. i have some cousins in town as well, and a good friend that lives in milwaukie, so i'll get to do some catching up as well. does anyone have any suggestions for things to do and see? bars you love? i'm all about doing typical tourist-y things, but i'm also all for doing more random stuff, seeing other parts of the city. i hear the weather there this time of year is spotty; it can be warm one day and cold and rainy the next, but i'm hoping we get a little more sun than not, and that part of my trip can spent lazing outside a coffeeshop, reading and drinking and watching people. i'm also excited for cable tv and hotel living. i'm telling you, if i could, i would totally live in a hotel. nothing pleases me more than tiny bath towels that someone else washes, random comforters, views of parking lots and miniature coffee pots with single serving packets of coffee to go along with them. plastic wrapped water glasses, remote controls velcroed to tvs, bibles in bedside tables. i can practically smell the disinfectant! like i said before, ahh, travel.

ouch

this post over at boing boing made me teary eyed. my pop's cell phone is still on, for now at least, and while i wouldn't send him a text message, i do find myself talking to him a lot lately.

i promise at some point the blog will go back to being about my life, but right now, this is my life. sometimes it feels awful, but sometimes, not so much. i like being able to talk about him, i like remembering him. he's my pop and i love him, and for a while he's just going to be at the forefront of stuff i'm thinking about.

well, that and how awesome the movie step brothers is. seriously. i could watch it like three times a day and always pee a little at the sleepwalking/tree house/catalina wine mixer scene. grief is a strange thing, my friends. suddenly the comedic timing of john c. reilly is just amazing to me.

easter update

the eggs did get dyed! i only bought two dye kits, but for some reason we had a ridiculous amount of dye; something like 18 colors, and only 22 eggs to color. that didn't stop up from over-dyeing, striping, drawing and coloring like crazy. it was a fun night, i have some photos of the eggs, but not nearly enough. the camo colors were intense and dark, which made for some interesting color combinations. we went to my folk's for easter day. as usual, we had lamb of god and ham, lots of side dishes, and too many people crammed into one tiny house. the food was excellent, and after we came home i basically laid down to read and passed out. the kids got baskets from D as well as my mom, including their first kinder eggs. i got a basket from D, but i think because now i have kids to bring to holidays mom won't make me one anymore. i am now, once and for all, officially a grown-up.

which sucks. i mean, parts of it are awesome (like sleepovers with my boyfriend and cocktails), but for all the fun and good food yesterday, i still felt pretty sad. the day before easter we went to a memorial for one of D's uncles who passed away this past week. i was glad to be there with him, for him, and to meet more of his family, but it definately put me in a subdued mood. easter just wasn't the same without pop, and it's hard for me to talk about him with anyone, still. on the way home i told D that the rest of the year we're spending all holidays with his folks. i want the kids to be with their grandparents next time, in their own environment, doing what they normally do. they've been just absolute champs about the whole thing, they deserve a holiday where amanda doesn't get mopey.

that's the best and worst thing about all this. through all of this, D and the kids have been awesome. i didn't realize that three people who don't have to love me, who don't owe me a thing, could be so amazing and supportive and wonderful. i feel very well taken care, and grateful for the little things they do to make me feel better. when push came to shove, they were right there. all the people that came through for me, that were there with calls and emails and cards made me realize how fortunate i am. i'm also just very lucky that i spend most of my time with a cute family that hugged me tight and told me i was going to be okay. i wish my pop had gotten to know them, because he would have loved them.

absentee blogger

dalek, originally uploaded by pinprick.

slowly getting back into the swing of things. days are mostly okay, i find i'm worse at night. it's the quiet, thinking times of days where i'm struck dumb. it feels very surreal, to keep going about work and life and love when he's gone. at the same time, i'm fairly sure he wouldn't want me hiding in my room crying for weeks or months on end. pop was nothing if not practical. i don't know. it just all seems strange and if i stop too long to think about it...it just gets complicated. my brain hurts.

i've been indulging in some serious escapism lately, including watching massive amounts of the mighty boosh on adult swim, reading everything i can get my hands on, and knitting. the boychild lent me the first of stephen king's dark tower series, which is honestly a lot of fun. it's got that awesome, creepy, post-apocalyptic vibe that i love so much, with a hefty dose of western and epic. evidently they are also comic books, which we also want to read. last weekend we spent a good chunk of the beautiful spring sunshine inside, playing pinball and old-school arcade games (tetris, anyone?), which was lovely. this weekend is easter, and i've got our egg dyeing kits all ready to go. tonight we boil the eggs, tomorrow we color. i found a camo kit, as well as your basic bright colors. i'm going to pick up some glitter as well, i think. shiny eggs might be fun too. we'll see!

no sugarcoating

this week has been hard. exhausting, really. i had no idea i could be sad, i had no idea i could go to work while that sad, i had no idea that you can feel the sad like a full-body bruise.

i'm lucky that i have plenty of people who love and care about me and for me. seriously, truly, fortunate in that regard. i feel awful that i'm such a shit to be around right now!

i only worked two days this week, but i think that was pretty much all i could handle. this weekend i plan on doing not much of anything; D has to work a lot, and has a lot of homework to do, and the kids are finishing up their spring break. if the weather holds, i'm going to try to squirrel them off someplace fun to treat them. they were absolute dolls this past week; they deserve some laser tag or arcade games, comic books, movies and/or pizza. there is a big part of me that just wants to crawl into bed and not get out of it for the next 48 hours, but if i start there i might not stop. plus, that sort of lifestyle will just lead to me becoming a 500 lb shut-in, and i'm pretty sure that would piss my pop off royally*.

*i still cannot bring myself to use past tense. i can't do it, i cry too hard. i'm a retard.

things right now that do not suck

bloo, originally uploaded by pinprick.

(because i need to make a list and you get stuck reading it!)

1. home made pitas and baba ganoush. especially because then you can make mighty boosh jokes, "the ganoush is loose and it's a little bit raw!"
2. episodes of the mighty boosh on adult swim. thank god it's not just on the youtube anymore!
3. coffee. specifically double tall soy lattes, which are my favorite and i have been indulging in.
4. knitting. keeps my hands busy, lets me think without anyone realizing i'm thinking, because you know, it's just looks like i'm knitting.
5. my dad's watch. i took the one on the kitchen table, which i'm pretty sure was the last watch he wore (the man had something like 7 of them), and it might sound morbid, but i like knowing when i check the time he's close to me.
6. making it through a week. it's an arbitrary number, i know, and my grief today doesn't feel any less awful than it did seven days ago, but somehow thinking that i got through a week makes me feel a little better.

i have great friends and a wonderful family, and thank you for being kind when i needed it most.

the last post i made was just me bitching about not feeling good. i had a cold and was being a whiny baby. i called home to complain, talked to my dad, then was going to write a post about how his CT/PET scan was fairly normal but got tired and went to bed. the next day i just spaced it; was busy with D and the kids goofing off and figured i would tell you guys he was a-okay the next day.

my father died late wednesday night. it had nothing to do with his scan, he just stopped breathing and never started up again. i know he's been sick for a while, but he wasn't that sick and this has taken us all by surprise. i've wrestled with whether or not to make this news a blog post, and realized that you guys have been with me throughout his various illnesses, you've been nothing but kind and supportive and i just want you all to know how much your kindness has meant to me.

this isn't anything how i thought it would be. i honestly thought i'd have a chance to say some sort of goodbye, i thought we'd get some sort of warning, i thought we were in the clear for at least a while. i'm angry and feel cheated, because it's not fair. i'm not ready to be a grown-up, i don't want to be fatherless. i am heartbroken and what no one tells you is that grief is a physical pain; all punches in the chest and headaches from crying and sore throats. it hurts so much worse than i could have imagined. i'm home with my mother and sister, and every so often one of us says, "what do we do now?" i have no idea. i miss him already so much i can't believe it will ever get better. i'm alternately sobbing and then angry and then just happy to be home with my people and talking about him. he wasn't always the easiest man to get along with, and i know he wishes my life had taken a different turn, but i loved him and never doubted that he loved me.

you don't have to say anything, honest. it's a weird and strange thing, writing a blog post about your father's death. there are a lot of you out there that i've shared a lot of my life with (and shared parts of your life with!), and i don't want to discount our connection to each other by just disappearing. i'll be a lot less present on the internets for a while, but if it makes you feel any better i'll be a lot less present in real life too. as it is, i just want to hide in the back room and knit furiously and watch old tv shows and cry when i want to. it just all feels so surreal, you know? when i'm not crying i'm worrying about my mom, and my sister and the baby and i feel guilty for feeling bad for myself but then there are parts of me that are all "dude, that's normal, give yourself a break" but none of this makes any sense to me. i miss him. i don't want him to be gone. i hope he knew how much i loved him. i wish i weren't so embarassed about crying in public because it makes me look like a robot, and i wish i didn't care what anyone else thinks about my grief. mourning does not become me. i just wish he would come home. did i mention that i miss him? because i do. so please, just go hug your dad for me. have a miller beer or bourbon for him, or just go tell someone you love how much you do. and send tissues. i love you.

out sick

noodle soup with egg, originally uploaded by pinprick.

pretty much everyone i know right now is sick, and i am no exception. it started this sunday when i felt sort of out of it, low energy, start of a sore throat, then it progressed to full-on mucous production. whoo! yesterday was my every-other-monday workday, and i had to call out sick. today i woke up feeling even worse than yesterday, if that's at all possible, and spent the morning whining to D about how lousy i felt, so i called out sick again. bleh. i hate missing work, especially work that is so relaxed and easy, BUT i have to be careful to not get anyone else sick, and i like my co-worker M and he has a whole passel of small children at home. giving him a cold is a fairly jerky thing to do. plus, if i had gone in today i would have had to wear a surgical mask and that just looks plain silly on me.

sometime this afternoon the clouds broke and i had a cup of coffee and suddenly realized that i might not die. bought some cough drops for tomorrow, ate some more soup, and while i'm not ready to party, i might also stay up past six tonight. i'm just glad we all got sick at about the same time (D's got something too, and yesterday found us both vying for couch space and passing out in front of the tv), and once we shake it we'll be able to enjoy everyone's spring break with no snotty noses or hacking coughs.

my mother used to make me this soup when i was sick as a kid; it's just a package of lipton's noodle soup (without the chicken chunks), with an egg poached in it. last night i woke up long enough to make a pot and feed it to everyone before going back to bed, and i swear it's restorative powers are not to be trifled with. it's the great i'm-too-sick-to-make-soup soup, and something about the rich eggy yolk in the soup is amazing. i suggest you try it if you are felled by illness any time soon!

here we go again

pop just had a CT scan this week, because they found some nodules in his lungs during a routine PET scan. now that i work in the "diagnostic imaging" field, i can tell you that it's pretty common to have a PET and CT at the same time, since they are complimentary, but i can see why they did one and waited for the results before doing the other. the kind of nodules he has might very well be nothing; the standard practice is to watch them and see if they get bigger, then maybe biopsy them if they do. to be frank, it's not like this is the first time they've found something wonky or not-quite-right in my dad's lungs. they aren't exactly pure as the driven snow, and with his history of COPD this sort of thing is par for course. my mother usually keeps my sister and i in the dark about this sort of thing until after the fact but this time she was remarkably forthcoming. she actually told us about it beforehand, but of course then did the whole "okay, now you can freak out about it" thing, which i didn't go for. i told her i was glad she had told me, and that i don't ask for that kind of information so i can worry and fret or freak out; i just want to know. i want to be able to call and check in on him, i want to be able to let him know i'm thinking about him, i want to be able to ask him questions. pop will tell you anything you want to know, but in our family he's not the phone caller. the phone is not his favorite form of communication, and as much as mom hates it, he thinks she'll tell us, and 99% of the time he's right.

i called him up today to see how he was feeling and he's got a bit of a cold, is feeling all congested and snotty, and hacking up his lungs on a regular basis. he seems to be in a pretty good mood about the whole thing though, aside from making it very clear that he's not too into doing radiation or chemo again if these nodules turn out to be tumors of the cancerous variety. i can't say i blame him; he was miserable last time, and would likely be miserable this time too. i can't say i'm not hoping he does whatever he can to live forever because duh, he's my POP, but if he wants to bow out gracefully and forgo treatment this time 'round, i'll support him. just because i think he's still handsome with no hair doesn't mean he's a big fan of it.

these days i'm not exactly worried so much as i'm preoccupied. i know enough about cancer this time to know that worrying about his test results won't actually change them and that the only thing i can do is call him, let him know i love him, and wait and see how things unfold. i hope his chest cold clears up, i hope they don't biopsy him because he hates needles, and i hope the doctor tells him that nothing is going on. family illness is a strange thing, but we aren't the first family to go through it and it's certainly not our first rodeo, as the kids say.

beat it!

this is rocky, D's brother's african grey parrot. the week before we started sitting her, D started getting us all ready to have her around. to be honest, the kids and i were not amused or impressed, and i made more than one "it's all fun and games until she gouges my eyes out" jokes. the first night she was here was kind of tense; we were all a little wary of her, and D's brother gave us a lengthy list of things she did and didn't like, and instances when she was likely to bite. the next night, though, we were making dinner and she was around the corner and somehow we ended up whistling at her and she was whistling back...and the next thing you knew, we realized she's actually a pretty awesome bird. sure, she doesn't like to be held, but besides that, she's totally into us and fun to interact with. watching her pick up new words and phrases, getting her to dance with us, feeding her slivers of banana and hearing her chirp "oh boy!" has been amazing. she's incredibly curious and smart, and now that she feels more and more comfortable with us she's become a real joy to have around. the kids and i have looked up all sort of articles about her type of bird, and have learned that they have a reputation for being smart and attentive. we think she's pretty cool, and having her around this week has been super fun. we're sad she leaves in a few days!

i also had a chance to play ridiculous amount of rock band this weekend with the kids. what started as a short trip to my house to pick up some stuff became hours of rocking out with only one break for pizza ordering. i knew rock band was fun, but had no idea it could kill so many hours in an afternoon. not that i'm complaining! i discovered i suck at the drums, am passable on guitar, but really like the singing part best. especially since wave of mutilation is one of the songs. dear pixies, how i love you. the best thing about D's kids is that they're fairly open to new stuff; we listen to all sorts of music and they don't automatically poo-poo the music i love because i'm "old" and not cool. they'll give it a chance, although they haven't yet decided they love the pixies as much as i do. the girlchild loves lady gaga the way i do (whoo! this makes for awesome kitchen dance parties!), and the boychild and i have bonded over led zepplin and he's shown an interest in tom waits. i know i've said it before, but i really dig these kids. if they weren't D's, i would still like them. they're funny and smart and interesting, and when we hang out on saturday afternoons it's not because i'm trying to score points with their pop or because they need to be baby-sat; it's because we do fun shit like play rock band all afternoon or go out and play pinball at the local old-school arcade, or hang around the house drinking coffee and watching movies. we have fun together, and getting to hang without their pop gives them a chance to relax and be themselves and decide if they like me or not. so far, so good.

because we had such a fun and relaxed and sleepy weekend, though, i have a ton of shit that needs to be done today! oil change, shopping, making time for coffee with a friend, all these things need to happen. D's getting ready for finals, which means he's cooking up a storm and finishing some reading for class, so i'm going to try to give him lots of quiet space and time to get it done. i got the kids to help me clean up the house yesterday so he'd have one less thing to think about (i bribed them with beowulf *and drillbit taylor), and in a few days he'll be on spring break and i'll be lamenting the fact that i have to go to work and gets to stay in bed all day.

*i did not want to see this, but the boychild is totally into norse and greek mythology. i have to say, the animation was weird and creepy, there were some awesome fun parts like the sea monster sequence, but it felt exactly as cheesy as clash of the titans to me. the boys loved it.

work has been good lately. i still need to finish getting and documenting all my vaccines, which is the fun part of working in the health care field (that and all the free hand sanitizer!). i did have to work with a guy last week who was replacing my beloved K who was out sick and HOLY HELL i hated that dude. if i ever find out i have to work with him again, i'm calling out sick with cancer. he was the most impossible, arrogant, jerky little man. the next day everyone was all smirks and asking how it was working with him and when i got that angry, wild-eyed look they all laughed knowingly. "why didn't you warn me?" i spent all day whining. in any case, besides mr. jerk-pants, i feel like i'm settling into my job and enjoying it more every day.

friday night! no big plans for this weekend, outside of baking some cupcakes for a friend who's having a birthday. the boy child and i want to see the watchmen, so i might try to cram that in sometime. however, it really isn't going to be something the girl child can (or should) see so i'm torn. i don't want to exclude her, by any means, and i know she also really wants to see corraline, so i'm thinking maybe of promising her tickets to that. or something. at ten, i'm not sure how to appease her! i'll have to talk to D and see what he thinks.

other than that, i got nothing! i've been incredibly boring this week. next week i'll try for better!

horrifyingly inattentive

if this blog were a baby, it would have stuck a fork in the wall socket long ago and i would have only just noticed. my friends are also feeling it; my retreat into boy-world. i have become one of those women i always derided for getting too caught up in their man, and part of me feels bad and part of me is still just really enjoying all our time together. i like my friends, though, i like my cat, i liked my life just fine before the onset of D*, and as much as i want to spend every single spare moment up with him, i know it's important that i stop being such an asshole. so there. i said it out loud!

the new neko case album is amazing. although to be fair, the last track annoys me. i mean, i like crickets as much as the next girl, but i think 15 minutes should have been the length. 28 minutes is just way too long. she doesn't do the great-big-voice thing as often on this album as she did on blacklisted or even fox confessor, but i imagine she gets tired of blowing out speakers with her lungs. plus, a softer song needs a softer voice, and this some songs on this album feel beautifully restrained; controlled in a way. tense? i'm not sure that's the right word. but the motifs of animals and natural disasters are lovely and everyone i've played the album for has enjoyed it. granted, i'm talking about three people specifically who indulge me quite a bit. although i have a patient listening to it right now and she hasn't complained yet!

i've been knitting up a storm. i finished a hat that i LOVE and am trying to figure out how long it would take me to knit five hundred of them in every color imaginable, but instead of doing that i adopted the stitch pattern and am making a pair of socks that resemble it. we're not just making out, honest, i get stuff done over at his house too! in between all the face-sucking and cooking, that is. (i joke! kind of!)

*i'm kind of over just referring to him as "the boyfriend." he does, in fact, have a name. instead of using it, though, i'm shortening a joke we have where i call him a "DILF" and he laughs at me, to just D.

naptime!

more animals

lately i have been addicted to the afternoon nap, which makes me feel all bright and perky for a while, but then i don't get to bed on time, and am sleepy the next morning and need another nap the next afternoon...which i can't tell if is a vicious cycle or just plain awesome. i like naps, even if i don't take them i hate mornings, and if i'm going to have a vice, i'm just glad mine involves blankets and curling up with the cat or my boyfriend.

work is adding a few mondays to the schedule (two a month for the next two months!) and i'm going to get some more hours which will be awesome. there's a possibility of a trip coming up (more information for you as i get it!) and if i go, then yay! i'll have saved some money for it, and if not, yay! money in the bank. i feel like i'm slowly getting caught up on some stuff, although to be honest i'm still pretty screwed as far as debt goes. there's a good chance i'll still have to do some debt consolidating and/or bankruptcy fun, but for the moment i'm just glad that my bills are getting paid, the power is still on, and i'm slowly building up a little safety net.

the new neko case album is out, and since tomorrow is payday i'm going to go pick it up. i also heard a band called nathan on the vinyl cafe this weekend, and ordered one of their cds. i am an absolute sucker for banjos and pretty voices, and nathan seems like a lot of fun. i remember listening to them last weekend while we worked on breakfast and saying, "damn, i like this, write it down!" i hope their cd is good, and that neko's album is as good as the reviews have been. hooray for new music!

gaga gregg

ooh, i got bit by the gaga bug. i can't help it! she makes me want to shake my ass. the other day i was listening along to the album and realized that her love games are a lot like old gregg's. i pointed this out to the kids the other day and they agreed.



also, i feel sort of guilty about this, but i totally got the girl child into lady gaga! this morning we listened to beautiful dirty rich a few times while dancing in the kitchen and drinking coffee. yes, at 10 i probably shouldn't let her do either but in my own defense she drinks tiny of cups of joe that are at least half milk. um, so there.

luminous

luminous, originally uploaded by pinprick.

it was a very pleasant weekend. i have to say, i am most definitely adjusting to having three days off a week. it feels lazy, but oh so good. saturday i spent all day with the boyfriend's kids lounging supremely. we watched massive amounts of arrested development, went out and rented movies and bought loads of gummi candies and wax bottles, and then did some more lounging. i'm pretty sure on saturday i took three naps, and i wasn't the only one. the boyfriend got off work early and came home and did some lounging with us, and then sunday we did some shopping around town. bought the cat one of those water dishes that is basically a little fountain, talked the kids into giving her a flea dip (they are brave little suckers!) and then applied the toxic stuff to the back of her neck. because their cat is a real stray (meaning she didn't take a few week long vacation in the out of doors, like my lulu) she prefers to spend a lot more time outside and brought home fleas. she's been in a spectacularily bad mood lately too; but after the bath i think she was a lot less itchy and has actually been cuddly and pleasant.

of course we did some cooking; like the clarified butter above. the boyfriend also made some amazing pork tacos, which he's made before, but i haven't taken photos of yet. they're just too good! they get eaten before i even think of getting out my camera. the girl child and i got haircuts yesterday after school, and did some grocery shopping. we came home to a napping dad/boyfriend, who was almost giddy about us bringing home beer with the salsa and tortillas. in all, i'd say it was another awesome weekend. today work has been okay; pretty busy and quick paced. my roommate is out of town, so tonight i have the whole house to myself! whoo! i'm not sure what i'm going to do with it, but you can bet it will be loud and won't involve doing dishes when i'm done.

it was as good as it looked

hot damn. this was an excellent savory onion pie! like i mentioned in my last post, this came from nigella lawson's "how to be a domestic goddess," and it was rich and filling and sweet and savory all at the time time. we ate it last night for dinner with roasted hubbard squash and a big salad, and it was a great big hit. the boyfriend's daughter's favorite meal is quiche and last night she said, "i think i like this better than quiche." i seriously thought we'd eat it all in one sitting, but it was much richer than anticipated. we had some leftover today for lunch, and if it's at all possible, i liked it much better the next day, at room temp. i was afraid that this would be one of those recipes that looks amazing and tastes mediocre, and was so pleased that the opposite was true. i spent all night saying "damn! that pie was good!" and having everyone agree with me was awesome.

i did make a few changes to the original recipe; namely using yellow sweet onions instead of red, and using more gruyere than called for. first things first! sweet yellow onions were on sale at costco, and to be frank, i don't care for red onions. i don't know why, i just don't dig them. using sweets made this pie sweeter, for sure, but the pastry was rich and cheesy (thanks to upping the swiss factor!) and i think it was the perfect balance. the next time i make it i want to do it in individual ramekins, so we all get a little sweet pie of our own.

on tomorrow's menu, a roasted potato, prosciutto and gruyere pizza pie, along with an asparagus one and a great big salad. for the asparagus i might use goat cheese, although i think the boyfriend and his daughter don't care for goat, but i'm pretty sure the boychik and i do, so it should work out. we bought a giant box of salad at costco as well, so more big salad with dinner! i love cooking over at the boyfriend's house for a few reasons, one of them being they're easy to please, they'll try pretty much anything once, and they seem stoked to have someone else in the kitchen with them. some nights we listen to alice cooper on the radio, play games* while the food cooks, and generally goof off, which is super fun. i feel spoiled and pretty pleased with myself those nights. it's honestly just nice to have a relaxed night where we get to eat delicious things and hang out. i like that they like doing dinner, and i like that i get to be a part of it. dinner is awesome, end of story!

*i introduced them to farkel! the only math game i like!

monday monday

monday's are actually super fun for me; it's my last day off and the day that everyone else goes back to work or school. this isn't me bragging! it's just that on monday i can run my errands in relative peace and quiet and i like that.

today the plan is to do some cooking from a cookbook i got for christmas, nigella lawson's how to be a domestic goddess. there's a recipe for a savory onion pie in there that i've been looking at for months now, and last night at dinner i was pawing through the book again when my boyfriend asked, "are you ever going to cook anything out of that?" i told him that i was, and that tonight for dinner we are going to have that onion pie, and maybe her sour cream chocolate cake for dessert. i haven't decided just how much baking i want to do today, but i feel like i want to do a lot of it.

that's the other nice thing about today, i usually have the house all to myself so i can do things like take over the kitchen and make a mess and cook up something new. becasue it's monday, the boyfriend and the kids are usually just happy someone's making dinner and will indulge me and eat what i cook.

i also need to do some laundry, finish the boyfriend's second sock, and nuzzle my kitten for a while. i should dye my hair as it looks ridiculous, but it also needs a trim, and i kind of look like a hobo anyhow so i'm not sure i'll get to that today. a friend will be in town this afternoon possibly, so i'm waiting to see when that will be so i can work around that and meet them for a cup of coffee. go watch some sexy nigella and think about what to make for dinner, i'll see you soon!

finished product

finished product, originally uploaded by pinprick.

sausages were made! they are delicious. chicken, bacon and spinach with a touch of caramelized onion. yum yum. the process was a pain in the ass, i think because it was our first time. we're all pretty stoked to try it again, though, and i think (personally) that we have a natural affinity for sausage making.

we made meat product! whoo!

oh, hai!

jeez, it's been a while. i haven't been doing anything seriously exciting, i just haven't been home a lot and when i have been there my computer has been seriously acting up. i thought i got it fixed the other night, but yesterday morning when i went to start it up it had the same hiccup-y problem. for whatever reason it won't start; it gets going and then i hear it stall and start and stall and start and it just freezes on the first start-up page. i tried a re-set, but that didn't do it, so maybe leaving it alone overnight gave the computer fairies enough time to sneak in and work their magic. we'll see!

valentine's day was a nice surprise. the boyfriend liked the one sock i finished, and it fit perfectly, so i feel pretty good about finishing the other one. he succumbed to peer pressure and bought me a box of candy; he was sheepish about it, but his fellow students got him so nervous that i would be disappointed if there was no candy that he ran out and got a box that was entirely too big. the kids were stoked as it is so giant that we've all been munching on it since then. it was a quiet day, which was just the way i wanted it. valentine's day isn't a big deal to me, but having an excuse to squirrel ourselves away for a weekend was just too good to pass up.

sausage making is a much bigger pain in the ass than you might realize. especially when the man making it is such a stickler for "perfection." we've been grinding meat, re-grinding it, playing with the seasonings, making test batches, tweaking stuff and then starting over. this is a much more scientific cooking endeavor than i am used to, and it's been fun learning about what's going on, why you do things in a certain way, what works and what doesn't. i've gotten to get my hands in it, and now i'm totally ready to skip ordinary sausage and move right on to salami. i want to cure meat! (hee hee, that's what she said.) this weekend i also got to introduce chicken paprikash to the kids, who liked it way more than they thought they would, and we spent one morning wandering around costco and picking up giant packs of toilet paper.

i think my roommate is freaking out that i'm going to move into the boyfriend's house next week, so this week i need to spend some time assuring here than i'm not going anywhere for a while. he's got to finish school up, and as much as i adore being with him and hope someday we shack up, i'm not in a huge rush. it will happen when it's time, and for now i kind of dig knowing i have my own place where i can hide out when i'm fussy or need to pluck my eyebrows. this is definitely the "honeymoon" phase, and i don't want to rush out of that and into full-on domesticity. playing house is nice (so nice, seriously), but i want to enjoy it for what it is right now. plus, i hate moving. i hate packing and unpacking and the sheer toil of getting my overnite bags ready is more than enough for me at the moment!

hee hee hee

nataliedee.com

i couldn't help myself!

hearts and hatchets

pixel heart, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i love friday the 13th! it's a fun day, especially to see all the folks out there who are a bit superstitous about it. also, they made a remake of the movie that comes out today, which i think sounds awesome. my boyfriend's daughter wants to go see it, but i told her she's got like seven years to wait. i'm not going to be responsible for nightmares!

it's weird to have a boyfriend on valentine's day, since that very rarely happens. we don't have any big plans; he's got to work all day, and it's not a huge deal for me. (i honestly think it's just a holiday built around guilt and consumerism!) i am knitting him some socks for his clogs though, and we're hoping sometime this month to get to take a tiny trip together. i told him the best thing about this holiday is that we can probably talk someone into watching the kids overnight, so we can go out and goof off by ourselves. i did also order him a baking stone from the pampered chef, but that's not exactly a valentine's gift and it's kind of a selfish one at that. after all, i'll get to enjoy the fruits of his baking labor. do you have plans? what are they?

road trips are awesome

hamilton high gym, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i haven't been on one in a while, but lately i've had that old familiar urge to go. there's not much better than getting in your car and going somewhere else for a while; even if it's not too far away or for too long. a road trip that ends in camping or staying in a ridiculous, neon-lit hotel is pretty much my favorite thing ever. i'm hoping this summer to take a lot of those; with the boyfriend of course, and some on my own. i'd like to take maggie camping this summer, as well. she's never been out in the woods for any extended period of time before, and i think she'd really enjoy it. plus, what kid doesn't love tent life?

work has been busy lately, meaning i've been doing very little in the way of goofing off. not much knitting, a small amount of knitting, and a whole lot of hand-holding and calming people down. this week no one's wanted to get into the big magnet, which always surprises me. if i could nap in that thing every day while it banged and crashed around me, i would. it's like being in the belly of a very cozy, non-stinky garbage truck. an egg with an attitude, if you will. i think it even looks nice, like a space-age donut, all smooth round curves and bubbles.

in other news, i need a haircut in a bad way. my bangs are all grown out, so you know what that means: i miss them. i want them back. someone recently told me that bangs are fun, but they've "been done." also, my roommate, who is also my hairdresser, refuses to cut them for me. she thinks i look better without them. anyone else want to weigh in on this?

small and smokey

this weekend was spent listening to a lot of the talking heads and hunting down sausage making stuff. the boyfriend is making a chicken, bacon and spinach sausage for his class project next week, and he didn't have a grinder so we got to spend part of sunday goofing around town looking for one. i didn't realize this, but you can find a fairly large selection of meat grinders at sportsmen's type places. evidently, a lot of deer and elk and other game is turned into sausage-y goodness, which totally makes sense. while hunting down natural hog casing (which was way harder than finding the grinder) we stumbled upon silvana meats; a butcher shop in the little town of silvana. yesterday we ventured on down there to check it out, and the moment i saw the small shop i was smitten. we walked in, and the smokey smell of hams and bacon and other cured meat delights was the first thing to greet us, and i knew it was true love. for a small shop, out in the middle of seemingly nowhere on a monday afternoon, they were hopping. there were never less than three people waiting in line the whole time we were there, and it was only 3:30 p.m. while waiting to buy our casing i found these gorgeous smoked cornish game hens. initially i was only going to buy one to check it out, but the smell! i'm telling you, it's positively narcotic how happy the scent of smoked meat makes me. i was fairly certain that they would be good, so i bought two, just in case. we cracked one open when we got home, and the kids and i devoured it cold in about five minutes. the joy of a small drumstick wasn't lost on anyone, trust me. the skin was too smokey and lovely to waste, so we put it in a hot pan and made cracklings with it (since everyone knows cold skin is gross!) which were also promptly gobbled up.

if you eat meat, and are anywhere in the vincinity of silvana, i highly recommend a trip to this meat emporium. the meats they offer are all natural, butchered on site, and the staff is friendly and crazy-knowledgeable about meat. they also offer about five hundred different varieties of sauces, salsas and marinades, which we're anxious to try out. you can buy a single, solitary steak, or half a cow. a tiny ham the size of a baby's head, or a whole pig for barbecuing. i won't even start talking about the selection of bacon, because we don't have enough time. it was a great field trip, and afterward we had a celebratory beer at the silvana road house, where someone won big on pull tabs and we got a free round! later this week one of my tiny hens is bound to become smokey little sandwiches, if it lasts long enough. if it doesn't, it's still going to be delicious.

ding dong, the witch is dead

and by witch, i mean my job at haggen. yeah, that's the store i've been working at for the past year. want some unsolicited advice? don't bother working there. other grocery stores will treat you better, trust me. i'm relieved to be done, once and for all, and looking forward to having actual weekends again. i didn't end my time there in a classy way, and i also didn't leave in a hail of gunfire and expletives, both of which i was thinking of. instead, i was slightly passive-aggressive and shitty, never actually telling my boss she could suck it but thinking it all the time. who cares how it ended, i'm just thankful it did.

i've wasted most of my weekend lounging around and drinking bloody mary's with my boyfriend, which i think is a perfectly good way to celebrate quitting a ridiculous job. today i've already gotten some grocery shopping done, and i'm going to go hang out with a friend this afternoon and goof off around town, so i suppose i should get moving in that direction. it's time for real clothes and lipgloss!

honk honk

maggie 2, originally uploaded by pinprick.

the air is impossibly dry in the MRI trailer, and lately i'm all snuffly and gross. i remember my nose going through this in colorado; the bloody noses and crusties are no fun. i'm carrying around a saline spary to combat it, which makes me look nerdier than usual, but it's starting to help. i know what comes next, and i'm not crazy about it: the humidifier. cue my crazy old lady music!

today it's been all grumpy old men and nutty ladies. i'm looking forward to going home and cleaning my room! tonight is the night that i get my bed made, clothes folded and mp3 player organized. i know i've mentioned my little zen stone before; it works like a shuffle only i think it's cuter. it had almost 300 songs on it and i was pretty much sick to death of every one, so i erased it the other day and have been putting on all new stuff. by "new" i mean things i haven't been listening to ad nauseum lately. maybe i'll stop by the boy's house on my way home to pick up some music to rip...i wonder if it's possible to stop by there and go home?! hee hee. it's homework night, so it should be do-able. we'll see!

it's been a while, hasn't it?

bobble tam, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i've been busy with work, helping my sister move (she's got a new house! not hers, a rental, but still. it's exciting!), and spending time with a certain you-know-who. i realize i've been remiss in blogging, so here is a brief recap of what's going on. let's start with my grievances, shall we?

the grocery store can officially kiss my ass. i've been trying to make it work with them, and working a few extra days a week there was supposed to help me get back on my feet and save up some money. however, i think the aggrevation of being there is outweighing any monetary benefit. what clinched it for me was two things; one is petty and stupid, but here it is anyhow. when i became assistant manager of the deli, they didn't even tell me. i applied and interviewed for it, then they jerked my chain for a few weeks, then suddenly i was on the schedule as manager and a few days after that they told me i got the job, but sorry! no pay raise. i wasn't officially offered it, and couldn't say "no" to the fact that they weren't going to give me more money. this was irritating enough and i was getting ready to go to the union about it when i got my new job. that sort of made it a moot point, as i would be relinquishing that position as well as my cheese specialist one at the same time. then the other day i notice a big note on this weeks schedule saying "congratulations!" to the woman who got the position after me. granted, she was totally their second choice since she had applied for the job when i did and i got it instead, but STILL. it was kind of a slap in the face. she gets a very public congratulations, i get written on the schedule surreptitously. hmph. the second thing was i called in on monday because my sister was having some issues with the move and needed help with maggie, but when i called out my boss actually told me "i don't see how that's should be my problem." um, okay. here's how it's your problem: I'M NOT COMING IN TO WORK. she tried to bully me into coming in and just said sorry, no. she flat out asked if i still wanted to work with them and i said, "i'm not sure." i am sure, though, and i'm going to go in the week and ask to not be put on the schedule in the future. i'm washing my hands of those jerks, once and for all.

besides that, things are going well. in fact, i'd say that because of that things are going awesome. i'm looking forward to only working four days a week, i'm going to watch maggie a few times a month for my sister, and have more time to do crafty shit and generally hang out with my friends and family. i had an excellent talk with my boyfriend the other day, and so things on that front are also good. we've been doing fun stuff, like long drives and movies. i've been obsessed with reading kelly link's short stories, have been knitting and my job at the mri place is rad. i'm getting more and more hours there, so the loss of my grocery gig won't affect me much. i think it will generally make me less surly and angsty as well. that job doesn't put me in the best mood!

what's new with you?

well this was inevitable

it wasn't a fight, exactly, but it wasn't fun. a very, very late conversation was initiated last night that ate most of my sleep time away. then this morning after three hours of sleep and the latest start on earth (i was a half hour late to work because the boyfriend forgot to set the alarm!) i find out that he might have been spazzing out because he'd had too many beers and not enough dinner.

i understand that it's normal for people to feel kind of freaked out by how they feel, but i've never understood the need to have a talk about "what if you leave me." i've also never been good at talking about my feelings, except to describe them as ones that feel good, and ones that feel lousy. i am woefully inept at the "talk" which makes me most guys fantasy girl. however, my man likes to talk about his feelings because he's a goddamn hippy*. just because i'm not good at it doesn't mean i can't do it, or am unwilling. however, at two a.m. when i am confused and tired you probably shouldn't bring up the big issues of your various insecurities because i will go into panic/confused mode and not be any good at listening or knowing what's going on.

i will also end up irritated that i'm exhausted all day at work while your teachers let you go home early because you look tired and they love you. i'm not mad, exactly, and i think in the end we had a good talk and he feels better about a lot of things, but dammit. today just kind of sucked.

*i might have a touch of the premenstruals, making me more snippy than usual!

lest you think i'm all blinded by love

i have, in fact, spent some quality time with my girlfriends and will admit that the boyfriend is awesome but falls short on a few fronts. for one, he can't make a decent cup of coffee. dear lord, it's not hard. it's true his coffee pot is sort of shitty, but his coffee is just impossible. i will choke a cup down in the morning because i have to, not because i want to. also, he wears clogs. not just any clogs; but brown man-clogs that are approximately five hundred years old. what's funny is he hardly ever wears anything else brown. he also lives in sweatpants when he is not at work or going to or from school, which, when paired with the brown man-clogs of doom make him look ridiculous. adorable, yes, but he is amazing in his ability to look handsome while clownish at the same time.

okay, maybe i'm a little blinded by my affection for him.

i have work related stuff to tell you too, but to be honest, i'm hoping to get into work early tomorrow and make some cash money. that means going to bed now! before i go, though, your stories ruled. i hope this one turns out as well.

the boyfriend just came over to my house for some much-appreciated, adults-only, alone time. not to say we don't both just dig the hell out of his kids, but sometimes we want to make-out on the couch and not have a smart-ass 14 year old go "ewww..." news flash! grown-ups sometimes want to snog and grope while watching tv! we were, after all, teenagers once.

we've passed the one month mark. of course things are all still hearts and stars and kissing in the kitchen when we think no one's looking, which is pretty normal for this stage in a relationship, but i'm telling you this: it feels like more than your standard honeymoon phase. it feels better, which is to say it feels like feathers and sparklers and tickles and bites. hard to describe, but not too hard to feel. it still feels big and makes me giggle, and 24 hours without seeing him still seems like days. i can't get enough of him.

here's what i wanted to ask you, though; when did you know? is there a "too soon" when you meet someone seriously awesome? i vacillate between wanted to climb something high and shout about how fantastic and wonderful he is, and feeling shy like it's too soon, like i can't possibly know what i'm talking about and should keep my pie hole shut. so i'm curious about your story, when you knew you loved someone, how you knew, if you told the whole world or kept it a secret for a while. i want to talk to someone about it, and you guys have got to have a few good stories for me.

i love breakfast at the boyfriend's house. today in addition to lovely hashbrowns, eggs, and bacon, we made pancakes with the batter blaster, for the sheer novelty of using a can of pressurized pancake batter. i'm sure the boyfriend's homemade pancakes are better, but to be honest, the batter blaster hotcakes were pretty good. smeared with a little marionberry jam, or dunked in runny egg yolk they were delicious. they were lighter and fluffier than i thought pancakes out of a can would be.

i'm going to switch my shifts around this week and start taking sundays off. we'd talked about it before, but both of us (me and him!) kept the day to make a little extra, and blah blah, but it's hard to have no time off at all. i do want to be able to spend a whole day goofing off with him, and how will hot sauce banana ever get off the ground if we don't have time to devote to thinking up album and song titles? these things are important!

i'm incredibly excited about tomorrow as well. i'm hoping we don't have a 9 a.m. appointment, so i can run inside and watch the inauguration on tv as it happens. i kind of already feel like i might cry, so if i get a bit misty while watching, you know, history in the making, please don't make fun. thanks!

hola, kiddos

when i started my new job, the boss man said there was an opportunity for me to work with the CT/PET scan team as well. i didn't think much about it, just gave a pleasant sound like, "hmm, interesting" and let it pass. got an email this morning that two times a month i'll get an extra two full days working with that team if i want it, which means i can leave the grocery gig for good. the four days a month i'd work for the CT/PET scan would more than make up for the eight days a month i'd work slinging chicken. it would be an extra 32 hours a month, for one, whereas at the grocery story right now i'm getting about forty. i make almost $2 an hour more, though, so working less would actually pay me more. seems like a no-brainer. a delightful, surprising no-brainer.

it feels like things are going well for me at the hospital. i'm making new friends (yeah, i said that out loud!), relaxing, getting used to the routine, and while i still have stuff to learn i don't feel overwhelmed. it's kind of nice. the normal hours, wearing of ordinary clothes, being treated like i'm not a retard, all these things are growing on me. plus, i get to work on crossword puzzles, watch cool medical stuff being done, and once a nice old lady told me i was a sweetheart and kissed me on the cheek. awesome. ooh, and today the cafeteria was giving out free cookies.

days like today are amazing. my boyfriend made me the sweetest bento lunch, i got a free cookie with my coffee this morning, the boss man came into town and we had a nice chat (which added half an hour onto my day!), and i got to know one of my coworkers better (i only see her once a week, but she's super cool). tomorrow i get to go in early, make more money, see my man and wear something cute. it's been a whole lot of happy lately with just a few spots of annoyance. to be honest, not much gets to me right now because i'm having such a good time. gross, right? my roommate makes fun of me all the time, "true love! BARF!" but whatev. right now things are in a good place, and i'm going to enjoy it while it lasts. dear internets, i'm in love and happy and have an awesome new job. high five!

liquid goodness

liquid goodness, originally uploaded by pinprick.

the salad bar at the hospital is cheap! i got a big salad for under $4 and am feeling pretty fine. although, they only viniagrette they had was fat-free italian, which is a bit too sweet for my taste. i might need to bring my own dressing!

my niece turns three in two weeks. my sister invited me and my boyfriend to her party, but not his kids. i had a whole big long blog post concerning it; about how when i asked about them she told me flat out, "no," and that there were already "too many people" coming. it was kind of a long and whiny post, and since writing it i have decided that even though my sister is being a dick, i don't have to be. the day should be all about baby, anyhow. if my sister brings it up with me, i'll be sure to let her know what i think, but a lot could happen in two weeks and i guess i'll wait and see how things pan out. there are rumours now that there isn't even going to be a party, so it might be a moot point. it just got under my skin, the way she dismissed my boyfriend's kids. he's kind of a package deal, not just for me but for all of us. he's always going to be boyfriend+2, and the sooner my sister realizes it, the better. what really annoys me is that she's a single parent, just like my boyfriend, and if someone had pulled that shit with her she would have gone nuts.

the second week in, and i can honestly say i like my new job. it's a lot of fun, watching the images appear on screen, making people comfortable, listening to their stories. there've been a few tough moments; like an older gentleman who got real claustrophobic and panicked once inside the tub, and one lady seriously whacked out on pain pills, but mostly it's a good time. i went to the grocery store this week for two shifts which were actually fun because it was a change of pace and also a bit of a relief to be doing something i know (innately now) how to do. i can navigate through the kitchen with ease, i know where things are and what needs to be done, and i don't have that yet at my new job. i'm learning, but it's going to take time. eventually this is all i'll do, and i'm sort of looking forward to that as well.

tidying up loose ends

my goodness. how laundry accumulates when you don't wash it. all the empty coffee cups in my room aren't going to wash themselves, either. my eyebrows need a good tweeze, my hair another dye (last time i did it, i ran out of black! i'm spotty now), my nails need to be done and i really need to run some errands and upload some photos. jeez. that's a lot to do. i totally wasted my one day off this week, and by "totally wasted" i mean "had a great time." the boyfriend and his kids and i went up to bellingham for a day. we did some shopping, made an awesome picnic lunch that we ended up eating in the car (it was crazy rainy and the car was nice and dry), dined on tiny hamburgers for dinner and spent most of the evening working on a puzzle and knitting (i got the eldest back into knitting and taught the youngest how to crochet!). it was a seriously good day, and while now i have a ton of stuff to catch up on before work tomorrow, it was worth it. my plan tonight is to go to bed early so i can sort of stay on the right schedule; i don't work tomorrow until 3 and it would be easy to sleep the day away, but then the next day going to work at 8 would be very lame. let's see if i can do it!

this is my cat

kitchen lulu, originally uploaded by pinprick.

who i hardly ever see anymore, and who probably hates me. well, she does for a while, then we settle in for a cuddle and she's fine and dandy.

nearing the end of my first week at the new job. it's very fun, very relaxing, and did i mention the pay is good? holy cow. i also enjoy having a similar schedule to my boyfriend's because that means we can actually hang out. he's thinking about taking sunday's off this quarter, and if he does that i am going to do the same. a whole day together sounds too good to pass up. just think of the things we could do! trips to the city, afternoons at the movies, drives in the country, breakfast, lunch AND dinner. we could go hiking or to the beach or the farmer's market. the thought of a whole day stretched out before us with nothing to do is tempting. i think it might have to happen.

it's strange to me to find it so easy to say "my boyfriend" with this man. it rolls right of the tongue and finds its way into a million different sentences. it's actually pretty fun to say. i think it's the boy that makes me feel that way, but it's just a hunch.

dinner last night was a success! cooking for a real cook can be nerve-wracking, but everyone enjoyed the quiche (it ended up being a simple zucchini, mushroom and swiss one) as well as the ice cream cone cupcakes. it was a fun night, and even though this morning i was a nervous wreck about my first day, i was glad to spend the morning with my favorite trio. i even saw them tonight; we celebrated all of us having a good day by going out for pizza. i had to go home, though, because my whites needed some serious bleaching and i need to get a few more outfits ready for this new gig.

the new job is pretty fucking awesome. for a few reasons, one of which being that today my boss told me there was downtime and i was free to bring a book or hobby with me for those time. i asked, "can i knit?" and he said "sure." i'm going to get paid for knitting. that's right! whoo! the other parts of my job are pretty enjoyable; mainly i help make sure patients are at ease, get them situated on the MRI table, and help clean up and stock stuff. i also do a bit of data entry, running of errands, and today i read a big chunk of anansi boys. after the initial shock wore off, to be honest, there were boring stretches. tomorrow i don't have to get up as early, and know what to expect, so i assume it will go even better. i bought myself a new shirt at the evil empire tonight; so ugly it goes back to being cute, so that i would have something fun to wear tomorrow. plus, i promised my man that he would get to see it. i spent the afternoon describing it in its awful glory (it's like little house on the praire met a lumberjack and they had a weird, frilly plaid baby), and now he's curious. yet another thing i like about him!

so far, this year is going well. better than last year, and the year before that. i'm not so superstitious about the new year, being that it's such an arbitrary system (any day can be the start of a new year!) but i like how it's all lining up together in an orderly fashion. it pleases me tremendously. i have a man i adore, a job that looks promising, and a truly hideous shirt to wear tomorrow. a girl can't ask for much more.

hearts and stars

tonight i get to make dinner for the boyfriend and family! it's a first; he's the professional, he's the one that does all the fancy culinary good stuff, but today is everyone's first day back at school and i offered to do dinner. we are going to have ham and brie quiche, some sort of roasted green veggie and a giant salad. i'm also going to make ice cream cone cupcakes, and decorate them with icing piggies. this family loves pork as much as i do, which is i think why we all get along so well.

tomorrow is also my first day of work (!) and i need to find some clothes that don't suck. i've been living in white shirts and ties and aprons for over a year now, the rest of my wardrobe is pretty hobo-riffic.

i'm off to get started! so much to do today, so little time.

want to see something funny?

i wrote a blog post a while ago, but never posted it because i got distracted. i was going through things here, cleaning stuff up, deleting drafts, when i stopped and read this one. it was titled "i think i wanna be a step-milf."

i had a very interesting talk with a friend today, where i disclosed that i would, indeed, be quite pleased to be a step-mother. or probably the live-in girlfriend of the dad, because i'm not always too sure i want to get married. to me, that's pretty close to being a step-mom, and that is appealing. i do honestly enjoy children. the kids i know are all impossibly smart and sweet and good-looking (except for the one who steals my shit! she's not on the top of my list!) and i enjoy 99% of every minute i'm with them. at the same time, when i think about having kids of my own i'm conflicted. why try to compete with the kids i already know? what if i don't do nearly as good a job as my friends and family? i'm not always sure i have the patience for parenting. i also feel like i should have done it sooner: i've given myself entirely too much time to think about all the things that could go wrong, and have freaked myself out.

the boy before last had a kid (still does!) and i liked that. watching him interact with his child was awesome. for the first time i dated someone who enjoyed being a parent, and put their kid first. it was strangely hot, and such a nice change of pace. the only other men i've dated with kids were maybe not the best dads, and that was always such a turn-off. although, to be fair, i have not dated very many men with children. at my age, though, it's getting more and more common.

which leads me to my next thought; i have this incredibly cute customer at work who's been coming in for years, and he has very sweet kids. a boy and a girl, and i just realized in all the time he's been shopping at my store i've never seen him without his kids, or with a woman. for that matter, i can't recall ever seeing the kids with their mom, which makes me wonder if he isn't divorced. he's got nice crinkly blue eyes, good hair, and a great smile. i pointed him out to a co-worker the other day, and she agreed that he is indeed handsome. for the first time i thought, "hey wait! he might be date-able!"

hee hee hee... oh boy. if only i'd known. daydreaming about my boyfriend was fun before i knew him, but to be perfectly honest, he's a lot more fun now that i've had him in real life. i took my friends out to see him last night and even my sister came out to meet him! everyone agrees that he is just as handsome as i said he was, and we all had a very good time. it's funny how things worked out, funny and delightful and surprising.