must go on!

see those balls of yarn in the upper right corner? they were the first sleeve of my sweater originally. you know, the sleeve i knit after reading the directions wrong. i ripped out approximately fifteen inches, irritated but grateful that i used thick yarn and fat needles. it's easier to reknit a sweater this way.

today i got a lot done at work. i signed up for benefits (yes!), ordered new business cards (just as hokey as the last ones), some fancy stationary (which i will then steal from work and use to write letters), and also ordered new work shirts. the ones i have now are so ridiculously lame. not only are they all faded and crappy looking, but they're a million sizes too big because i overestimated my girth at the time i ordered them. these shirts are going to fit, dammit.

being hired on as a real employee is good because of all the stuff mentioned above, but now i actually have to give a shit about commissions, which gives me the willies. i have to suddenly worry about making quota, combing my hair on a regular basis, and being extra nice to jerks that right now i barely tolerate. if i've said it once, i've said it a million times: i don't want to kill them with kindness, i want to use a good old-fashioned shiv. it doesn't feel real yet, and it also sort of cramps my i-want-to-move plans. i'm not going to bore you with my pro and con list right now, suffice to say it's being made on just about a round-the-clock basis.

the best news of all, though, is this delightful book my nephew sent me. it's an alphabet book that's all about day of the dead. i wish i could be there to read it to him and carve pumpkins!

teeny trip recap

breckenridge is very, very, very high up. the altitude made wine taste better, but also made my skin extra dry and the inside of my nose like sandpaper. it was a nice trip. i had the most beautiful roasted shank of lamb with wild mushrooms and a boursin risotto. i fell down really hard on a crack in the sidewalk and messed up my ankle. i realized this morning that i read the sleeve portion of my sweater pattern wrong and guess what had to be taken ou? vacations in general are always fun, and always tiring. i'm going to eat some cheese and watch some tv and get ready for work tomorrow.

cellular

up high in the mountains! roughing it by writing this on my cell phone. hooray for technology! and big dinners and buying tourist t-shirts and knitting AND having one more day off.

not only am i NOT packed, but i had one too many beers

now i don't feel like packing at all. i'm looking at my stuff thinking, "eh, whatever." what i should be doing is sorting things into nice piles, the "daytime looks" pile on one end of the bed, the "i'd like to make-out looks" on the other. in the middle the "hey, i'm asleep" look. oh, and my sweater needs to be packed. the whole point of this weekend, aside from maybe tipsy snogging in a corner, is getting more of my sweater done. i can't tell if i'm just becoming more into knitting and that's why it's on my list with tonsil-hockey, or if i'm slipping more into spinsterhood. you tell me.

i just watched brick. when i tell you a movie is totally fucking amazing, you should realize i don't say it often. this was one fo the few "holy shit" movies i've seen in years. if you hate noir, or a lot of talk, don't rent it. if you like both, then do, but watch it with the subtitles. the dialogue is too good to miss. i'm telling you, watching that movie was amazing. when i can't knit a movie is so engrossing, then you know it's good. i was completely sucked in, in the most wonderful way.

also, i sucessfully painted my toenails red, worked on more of my freddy sleeves, and make the cat supremely annoyed when i taunted her with my knitting needles. you might think i live a boring live, but ahem, i don't.

(the title goes here)

progress on my sweater is slow and steady. actually, it's sort of more like 45 miles per hour since i'm using big needles and a chubby yarn. i'm almost done with my first sleeve, and i did get the front (or back) done. it might end up being either, since you work both the same way. i love the red and black together, although last night i realized i'm making a sweater with freddy krueger's sleeves. dammit. i wonder if i'll ever be able to look at it or wear it without thinking of him?

my shoes showed up. like most pairs of converse i own now, they are a little too big. i hate the lack of half-sizes! they used to be a lot easier to find in cons. they are extra cute though, and i can't wait to wear them everywhere.

i'm going up to breckenridge this weekend. i actually got sunday and monday off, so tomorrow night after work i'll drive up and meet my roommates. i haven't been into the mountains really since i drove through them with dave. it will be a fun little trip. i should be packing for it now, though, since i work early tomorrow so i could get out of town at a reasonable time. (girly note: today while out running errands i found the absolute cutest top on earth. it's both kind of slutty and perfectly reasonable, and it makes me look hot with two T's. watch out boys of colorado, i might be fiesty this weekend.)

hmmm...i have a million things i want to tell you but there are a million things here i need to be doing. when i get home monday i'll fill you in on all the gory details. topics may or may not include; actually getting hired at work, baby cutting her first tooth, re-discovering dr. katz, being able to wear a size L now rather than XL, that funky cramp in my hand and my efforts to thwart it, kvetching about moving home and how fall in colorado really is ridiculously lovely. the air's been all crisp and delicious, the rain is coming back, and the kitten and i are spending ridiculous amount of time on the couch drinking tea. well, i drink the tea while she just sheds all over me. good times.

painfully exciting

i went looking on-line last night for a new pair of low top chucks. you know, the ones me and every other hipster has been wearing since high school. in fact, i think the pair i have now i actually bought right after high school. personally, i like to wear them with a dress or skirt, because i look extra-cute in them that way. i'm digressing. i did some looking, found my shoes, and then was browsing the other converse shoes when i happened upon these beauties. they are just like my classic low-top chucks, but they are leather, with velcro straps. i nearly had a heart attack i was so excited. look at them! are they not gorgeous? don't they scream my name? even though they weren't available in my exact size (i have small feet that come in a half size, when not all men's/boy's shoes come in half sizes), i'm used to wearing my chucks a half size too big or small, plus you always have to stick an insole them to begin with. lucky for me (unlucky for my checking account) a certain on-line shoe store has a credit card of mine on file. in short, five minutes after seeing these lovelies they were ordered and now all i have to do is wait. that's the exciting part.

the painful part is my left hand. i think i'm knitting too much, typing too much, and that that weird undiagnosed hand thing might actually be something i need to have looked at. my hands new favorite trick is to spazz out, seize up, and/or go numb. one of my roommates thinks it might be carpal tunnel, but i've never heard of it presenting in the hand as a weird, painful crease. although i do have tingling as well as decreased gripping ability. i can't hold anything with my left hand if i grip it like an "o" for long, i have to put my thumb on the same side as my fingers, making a "c" instead. i might be wrong, though, and this could be carpal tunnel. my mom had carpal tunnel so bad she actually had to have surgery to correct it. she was all frakenstein-y for weeks and pop had to help her get dressed and stuff for a while, but she's much better now. i don't know, i could self-diagnose myself from here to next week, but the point is my hand hurts and i can't wait to have health insurance. once i get it i'm staying in town long enough to see a whole lot of doctors. i want to see an eye doctor, a hand doctor, someone about my back and my bum knee and maybe a real shrink. oh, and a dermataologist and dentist. it's going to rule.

also, that whole john mark karr bullshit? he's extra freaky for sure, and i admit i was sort of fascinated by the whole thing in a way that made me feel guilty as well as creeped out, but we all knew it wasn't him. he's too batshit crazy for that, although i do think he's been messing with little girls for way too long and i'm glad they've at least got him for that. it just all seemed too easy, too strange, and oddly convenient. i know there's no proof of it, but i've always thought the killer was more close to home, and that once we found out who it was it would be even worse because of that.

sadness and stupidness

it monsooned the other day here. of course the second the rain started coming down hard, the cat decided she needed to go outside. i thought she'd hang out under the overhang watching the rain and staying dry, but she disappeared for over and hour. there was a massive amount of lightening and thunder, and i was sort of worried. i mean, what if the cat got hit by lightening? that would make me a collossal jerk for letting her out in the first place. she came inside happy and soaking wet later, let me rub her down with a towel, then insisted on getting me all wet by sitting in my lap and licking herself clean. such a strange little creature.
i enjoy lambics. this was the first time i had the cherry, and it was lovely. nothing like a nice fruity beer while a girl gets some knitting done.
then! the saddest news of the week, that sweater i'm making had to be frogged. the whole ten inches, ripped out and started over again. goddamn. i made a very amatuer mistake, using the wrong size needles for the body. when i realized what i'd done i spent some time measuring the piece, trying to figure out if it would fit the way it was, trying to convince myself i could forge ahead and everything would be fine, but in the end i realized it was going to have to be ripped out. i'm not going to spend upwards of $100 and countless hours working on a sweater that doesn't fit and makes me sad to look at. ripping it all out was sad at the time, but it's a temporary sort of sadness. once the sweater is done and lovely and my favorite thing to curl up in i'll think aobut the frogging and be glad i did it. i hope!

last night a boy i sort of know harassed me all night long about making him a sweater like the one has now and loves, but i told him over and over again NO. all knitters know that you only make sweaters for people you are married to or are related to. sweaters are a big deal, they are work and stress and the ultimate sign of "hey, i like you." some boy i kind of know is not getting a sweater from me. "but i'll buy the yarn!" um, no. you can't give me back the hours it will take to make it, and plus, you haven't bought me a big, shiny ring. you aren't my cousin, my kid, or a sibling. you do not qualify for a sweater. the end!

dumb question

i'm up too late (have to work early tomorrow and i admit i'm sleepy) trying to figure out why when i downloaded the latest firefox i lost my scroll bar. i can't scroll from side to side on pages that are wide. i also can't zoom to the bottom or tops of pages that are very long. this annoys me to no end. can you help me? did i download it wrong? is there somewhere i can go to fix it? i tried edit and view and tools, and haven't found anything. i'm feeling dorky for being irritated by this, and even dorkier for not being able to figure it out.

favorite part of tonight: saying to my roommate, "we only had two beers" and having her say back, "yeah, but it was 42 oz of beer." math!

i melted

today was a really hot day. not so hot that i burst into flames, but almost.

i had to work at an outdoor event all day, on campus, and it was the hottest day of the week. naturally. had to get up at the crack of dawn (i was at work at 7 in the morning, which for me is early), haul a ton of stuff that we didn't sell up what felt like a million flights of stairs, and then we sat there. after that, we sat there some more, and then finished up the day with some sitting. it was beyond boring, but i did do some reading, and almost finished the very last mitten that's currently on my schedule. i would have gotten it done, but i have this weird muscle-cramp in my left hand that decided to act up today. once i get health insurance, the first thing i'm doing is seeing a doctor about that hand because since december there's been this bizarro crease in it and i can't open it up all the way without huge pain. oh wait, i was complaining about my incredibly hot and boring day. um yeah, so my hand hurts, i'm tired of being sweaty, and spending all day tomorrow in an air-conditioned store actually sounds kind of fun right now.

my ebay auctions ended today, and i earned about what i wanted. if i had made $20 more i would have been happier, but i almost made half of what i spent on the yarn for my new sweater, which showed up today! it was such a small little box i almost had a heart attack. the balls of yarn looked so teeny, i immediatedly freaked out that it won't be enough for an actual sweater that will fit my chubby body. of course the only way to make myself feel better was to start knitting right away so i could see how it knitted up. hurty hand be damned! i only got a few inches of the front (or back, they're the same) done, but already i feel like it's going to fit just fine, and i'm excited about making my very first sweater.

excited, sweaty, tired and hey! futurama just came on. must be time for bed.

dude, those are my boobs

more importantly, that's my new brothers and sisters shirt! the show last night was great, i was really happy i went out. hangover be damned! having a red beer when i got there helped, too.

seeing dave made me really happy. the place the show was at, the hi-dive, was pretty cool. not too divey, not too pretentious, just right. i got to hear a new song the band recorded while they were in l.a., and i got to see the inside of a real, honest-to-goodness tour bus. it was a good night out. there are some pictures over here.

i'm conflicted about moving right now. on the one hand, i want to go home now. on the other, waiting a few more months means saving more money, not having to worry about getting a new job right away, having more time to get my ducks in a row. on the other hand, who cares about debt when i have a job that's retarded, working for a company who's been yanking my chain about hiring me for months. i could be at home with my people sooner rather than later. i don't know. the people i work with i honestly like, the job itself i'm so-so about, the company is kind of massive and oppressive and i still have to pay through the nose to see a doctor for anything. at this point i'm even thinking about selling my car and just about everything else, packing the rest of it up, shipping it and getting on a plane. i miss my people more than anything, but i made my bed, and there's a certain amount of sucking it up and just dealing with this reasonably that should probably be done.

oy

ahem. i am a bit hung over. however, i did learn last night that riding bikes while tipsy is just about the greatest thing ever. i mean it, it's not just fun, it's like the most fun thing in the whole wide world! i met up with some friends for drinks downtown, and when we were done and ready to go home i got to ride the pegs on kevin's bike. that was fun, but when we got back to the house i took one of the bikes out myself and just rode around the block. it was all quiet and dark and beautiful, and i rode past still houses and parked cars, looking at the stars and getting my hair all messy. it was wonderful. i want to get myself a little beach cruiser so i can ride around town all the time.


i'm going into denver tonight, which should be fun, but it would be more fun if i weren't so tired and my head didn't hurt so much. i took some ibuprofen, and i've been drinking tons of water (and some soda), so i think by the time i have to leave i'll be fine. i have an hour and a half to get it together, wish me luck.

not exactly milk and cookies

but it is beer and cookies. a co-worker is having a birthday barbeque, and so i made her cookies. tollhouse chocolate chip, the greatest cookie recipe of all time. i don't know why anyone bothers to make another chocolate chip recipe, this is the one. baking made me wishful for fall, though. i'm done with the sun and heat, give me a nice cloudy day, leaves changing color, and air that smells like fireplaces.

the list: law & order edition

it wasn't just me that noticed that good old crush vincent d'onofrio wasn't on my official list. this is because i felt like law & order consumes enough of my life as it is, and i didn't want all my slots filled with nothing but good looking television detectives. that's why i'm making the list: law & order edition.

1. detective robert "bobby" goren. weird, smart, neurotic, tall, with slightly curly hair. in short, my dream man. i will also admit that the first boy i ever kissed and the first boy i ever went all the way with were the same way. i don't know if it's just me or all women, but there's this thing about your first that always sticks with you. it's like a weird imprint that you can't quite shake.
   
2. detective elliot stabler. there was this one episode where stabler is talking to his wife at home and he has these teensy aqua bikini briefs on, and i was simultaneously grossed out and totally excited. i mean, if the briefs had been black, i would have been a little upset (because i believe men should only wear boxers), but i could have lived with it. the sheer fact of their bizarro color makes this one of my most shameful secrets: i liked him in teensy manties*. no, i loved him.
   
3. detective reynaldo "ray" curtis. hotness on a stick. that beautiful face, that great hair, that conviction to get the bad guy and the way he worked with lenny all made me fall for him. i wanted to be mrs. detective curtis for a long time.
   
4. detective mike logan. a little bit of a loose cannon, stereotypically fightin' irish kind of guy, i loved his plaid ties almost as much as i loved his hair. um, i think i might have a problem with hair. i've mentioned it a lot already, but i can't help it. hair is very important to me. in any case, logan was all firey and sometimes a total jerkface, but always a solid guy and i dreamt about meeting him in a cop bar and taking him home.
   
5. dr. emil skoda. unlikely choice, i know, given that he has no hair (and that photo of him on imdb is bad) but i've always had a soft spot for skoda. i think it's his deep voice i love, and his sad eyes. i love dr. huang too, but i know he's gay in real life and i've never been one to have a hopeless gay crush.
   

*manties are man-panties, which is what i call anything that isn't a pair of boxer shorts.

a regular post for those of you who don't knit

before my roommate's went camping i found a box of zoo pals cutlery at the store and brought them home, where i snuck them into their cooler before they went. they found them as they were unpacking and cracked up, but then they found an octopus fork. i had no idea it was in there. NO IDEA. if i had known one of the designs was a happy pink octo, i would have taken them all out of the box. thankfully they brought a few home, and i made this one into a magnet for the fridge. it's not enough that this incredibly adorable fork exists, i have to be able to see it all the time as well.

i took the catapus painting off the watercolor paper block this afternoon, so i could paint another picture (of one of these) and found it was the last piece of paper on the block. how could i have not realized that?

done!

well, the knitting part of this blanket is all done. it does still need to be washed and blocked, but i'm happy it's finished. it wasn't the hardest project i've ever undertaken as far as the knitting went (it was a pretty basic pattern) but it did require a lot of paying attention and making sure i took notes as i went along. i am not the kind of knitter who can remember which row she left off on, or memorize patterns easily. that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it did mean i had to get used to carrying around a pencil with my knitting. the end result was totally worth it though; it's a lovely little blankie that is crazy soft and snuggly. plus, it was the first time i tried something like this and realized that with some preparation i could do it. this definitely bolstered my knitting self-esteem.

because i feel sort of guilty about spending big money on yarn, i put up some from my stash on ebay. that's originally how i got started on ebay; buying yarn. it's a great resource for buying and selling yarn, because we all buy yarns that we don't use or are looking for a bargain. sometimes just clearing out your stash is a good feeling too. some yarns hang out forever, constant reminders of a project you never finished, some are leftovers from a project you did finish, and some is just stuff you buy thinking "oh this is pretty i'll find something to do with it" and then never do. i have three yarn baskets, and they are pretty close to full. when they get that way, i get rid of some. it's just that time of year! plus, maybe selling some will defray the cost of my very expensive sweater (which probably isn't that expensive when you think about it, it's just more than i've ever spent on a project). i'm nervous about making that sweater because i have yet to finish a project that big, but i'm sort of sick of smaller projects, and have done really well this past year starting and finishing all my projects. i think i'm ready. wish me luck.

also, if you don't knit or don't care about knitting, this post was kind of crappy, huh? oops.

bye bye, paycheck

i spent $80 tonight on yarn. seriously. why? because i'm absolutely dying to make this sweater, and a thorough internet search found very few sources of the yarn indicated in the pattern. normally this does not bother me since i very rarely actually follow patterns all the way through. i don't remember the last time i actually used the yarn they tell you to in the pattern. however, this yarn i know for a fact to be ridiculously soft and delicious, and please! it's stripey. i was doomed from the start. i also love the boatneck, and while i wanted to do the stripes in red which i found impossible to find, i did secure some nice grey for the stripes. the end result will probably be a bit less mod and a little more goth. i've started one sweater in my entire knitting career, and did not finish it. i think i was too green when i started it, and now i have no desire for a brown cardigan. (the yarn will likely be recycled into another project, hopefully one i will finish.) this will be different i think because i'm getting faster with my knitting, i'm infinitely more patient, and i'm actually better at what i do and feel more comfortable doing it. buying $80 worth of yarn might be a gamble, but i truly love this sweater and want it to be my own.

also, i'm watching no reservations on tv right now and thinking maybe anthony bourdain might need to be on my list. he's smart, he's funny, he's a great writer, has that great thick hair, and knows the value of a well-made cocktail. plus, he just ate sheep stomach like it was no big deal. he could be my boyfriend.

shallow

i'm embarassed to admit this, but the news of chris robinson and kate hudson breaking up makes me sad. it's not like i love either one of them that much, or even know them for christ's sake, but i liked their whole "happy hippy family" vibe. even if "happy hippy" was really more like "insanely wealthy with long hair." they just seemed cute and happy.

nocturnal mole girl

there is something about 11:30 at night that makes me want to clean stuff, fold clothes, make the bed, do a mud mask and pull out the vacuum. it goes totally against my slug-like nature. maybe i'm nocturnal. do you think there's something wrong with me?

i bought some cute yarn today, finished everything but the thumb on a new pair of mittens, picked up some magazines (stupid interweave knits came in a bag this month, making it impossible for me not to buy. i had to know what was in there!) , got all the stuff i've been meaning to mail but avoiding together, and now the venture brothers are on, so i might become less productive. although the past few weeks i've missed big chunks of the venture brothers because they come on at exactly the same time as my instudrious attacks.

last night i stayed up until three because i found the fuse channel and had to watch massive amounts of music videos. i grew up with early mtv, and can't help my deep love of teensy movies set to music. i also discovered another reason to love the raconteurs: their video for steady as she goes. 1: little jack lawrence has a villianous mustache, 2: paul reubens is in it, 3: jack white's incredible cuteness. while watching videos last night i also started thinking about adding danger mouse to my list. i don't have any musicians on there, plus he's super cute, has great hair and judging by his work with the cartoon network, would indulge me in my love of cartoons. then i saw the video for 30 seconds to mars, and realized that jared leto is still pretty, but still strikes me as pretty dumb as well. i hate how in interviews with his band he's always in a unibomber hoodie like we won't recognize him as jordan catalano. sorry, jordan, that's not going to happen. yay for rocking the eyeliner, though! we need more men wearing makeup, as far as i'm concerned.

this is the end

i've had the house to myself for most of the week, with my roommates out camping since tuesday. i haven't done anything super fun or revolutionary while they're gone, outside of making a frozen pizza and waiting a full 24 hours before i wash a dirty dish, but it was a good time anyhow. since tonight is my last night i bought a bottle of sofia and finished off the leftover pizza, now i'm going to finish some mittens for jude and watch some horrible tv. (saturday television is horrible because tv stations expect us to be out, you know, having a life. when i get my own tv station, i'm going to cater it to insomniacs, introverts and spinsters.)

i had a guy at work today get all fussy with me and he said, "i'm sorry i'm being so confrontational" and i said "you're nothing compared to some customers." after that, he calmed down. weird. also, this week i ordered a phone from the company i work for. after eight months, they got me! i still won't have an employee plan (what with being the longest-temp-on-earth), but i do have a "friends and family" family plan that kicks ass and a teensy, tiny pink phone is on it's way to me. i swoon when i think about it, and have already named it justine. when i talk about it i sing the old dolly parton song, "jolene" with her name instead. dork!

i got a haircut yesterday and today i actually got up, blew it out like i was supposed to, and put in mousse. MOUSSE. the end is near, kids.

be honest

when you blog, do you have a specific audience in mind? sometimes i think about the kinds of people who seem to read my blog (or rather, the people that post comments. those are the only readers that you learn anything about!) when i'm writing something up, sometimes i'll think of a specific person when i write about a particular topic, sometimes i think about how people might react at a lack of posting, or i'll swear less because i think someone might not like it so much. i leave stuff out because i'm not comfortable sharing with everyone, and i feel guilty sometimes about that. which is dumb, because damn this is a blog and not anything terribly important. even the word "blog" makes it impossible to take too seriously. i just wonder what sorts of things you might think about when you blog, if you think long and hard before posting (like i sometimes do) or if you just let your fingers do their thing and deal with the effects later (which is another way i work). i'm more curious than anything else. i've been thinking about this for a while, and just wanted to know what you thought.

i mean, in the grand scheme of things it's not like my blog is of worldwide importance, at the same time, it is very important to me. this last year was difficult in a lot of ways, but i always had a place where i could say/write what i was thinking, and that's been enormously good for me. plus, i've been blogging for what? three years now? that's a long time. i started it in my basement apartment with a free trial of typepad, messing with settings until super late at night on my crappy old laptop, buying domain names later, and even learning a little coding along the way. it's a part of my life that i have a hard time explaining to anyone who doesn't get it, like why i feel the need to post entries about movies and nervous breakdowns and books and my lists. then when i think i've thought about it enough, i like to ask you why you do it.

plus, the mustache totally won. i'm going to go shopping for one now! and do a little drawing just to be on the safe side, because really, it was a close race.

day off!

lately my days off are basically the exact opposite of productive, but i am determined to make tomorrow's day off count. i've already booked a hair appointment, looked into a paint-your-own-pottery place (more on that in a sec), put some clothes both in the washer AND the drier, and done some sketches for a shirt and the pottery place. i'm also looking up good haircut photos for my hairdresser. i might keep the bangs and get a long shag haircut. i kind of want a whole bunch of crazy layers that i can mess with in the morning and that make bed head look good. why is it all hairdressing photos on line are so awful? i might have to do a little sketch for that, too. also i have five million emails to respond to, a book to read, a kitten to pet, and some pjs to crawl into.

oh! the pottery place. minnie said it first, but i'm not going to lie, i've been thinking about it for months. i want to make a big kraken platter. and maybe some kraken mugs. and possibly a bowl. i mean really, you know i could put him on anything.

the list

do you remember the list from friends? it goes like this; you make a list of five famous people that you have permission to sleep with no matter what. once you make the list, if you run into one of those people and have the chance to have sex with them, you can, with no recrimination from your partner. my sister and i have been talking about the list for weeks now, and we've made a few modifications. along with the original five, we have decided that you can indeed make changes to the list, however, all parties must be notified of said change and if you happen to run into someone you bumped off the list, you cannot take it back. we've also added two alternates to the list, one being "someone famous old enough to be a parent" and "person of the gender you don't normally sleep with." this means if you are a hetero guy, you can add one man to your list, since i date boys i can add one girl, etc. this means seven total people on the list!

yes, it's true i don't have a boyfriend right now, but since the list has been so agonizing to make i don't feel weird trying to put it together now. you know, it's like buying cute underwear just in case. even with all the weeks i've had to put my list together, i still only have two spots definitely filled. two. this isn't brain surgery, and yet i can't figure it out. right now this is my tentative list:

1. andy samberg. i know, i know, not exactly brad pitt but five million times smarter and funnier and with all that great hair. he's for sure on the list, for the hair alone.
   
2. andy garcia. he's got this way of talking that makes me all tingly in the swimsuit area region. i think he's the only reason i like the godfather III (that and it lets me indulge in my envy of sofia coppola), but i'm not sure he'll stay on the list.
3. luke wilson. my sister and i argued over who got which wilson brother, since we both like them both. it was decided that luke was more my type and owen was more hers.
   
4. i do sort of love jason schwartzman, but then i listened to his commentary in i heart huckabees, and i don't think i could actually talk to him. he's sort of pretentious and annoying. but he was max fischer!
   
5. mark wahlberg. markie mark mark mark...there is something about that man that makes me weak in the knees. although to be honest, i feel bad about this one because of his cute girlfriend and his kids. i'm not sure he's on the list. although i'd bump schwartzman for him.
   
6. the rock. i could never actually get the rock, but he's so handsome! and huge! and seems like an honestly nice guy. he's dreamy, all manly but with a soft interior.
   
7. i sometimes think i would add johnny knoxville to the list, but he seem kind of...trampy. so no, he's off.
   
8. adrien brody should be in the final five, mainly because he made a very special "guest appearance" in a dream once and i loved him in dummy (which is a film no one has seen but is really very good). added bonus: getting to shout "yo, adrien!" when i wanted his attention.
   
9. jean reno. i can't tell if he should be in the final five or as the alternate "old enough to be my pop" category. he just seems kind of intense and brooding and i like his accent. plus, the professional is one of my favorite films.
   

in the "old enough to be my parent category," it's a tie between jim jarmusch and bill murray. i have a feeling if pressed, i will go with jim. in the "person of the gender i don't normally sleep with" i'd have to say it's either milla jovovich or lili taylor. or maybe anjelica huston, although i don't really want to make out with her so much as i want to have coffee and have her help me with my make-up.

i need to whittle the list down, obviously. and you need to start making yours and tell me what they are. together we can get our lists together! i just know it!

other folks to consider: robert downy jr., jake gylenhall, ben stiller, naomi watts, ewan mcgregor, eddie izzard, john lurie, chris noth, chris meloni, stephen malkmus, ira glass, johnathon goldstein, and hugh jackman.

today was a long day

but i finished my cute new children's mittens, spent a whole day at work (which was actually pretty productive), and am now seriously thinking about vacuuming my bedroom. someday, that is.

right now i have some pj's i needed to be in about four hours ago.

oh! and my friend dave's band, brothers and sisters, is coming to denver! they will be at the hi-dive Aug 20. i know it's a sunday, but you should all go anyway. they're a great live show, and we can have a beer and it will be fun. promise. i'll bug you about it more as the date gets closer!

sleepy, sleepy, sleepy

a.k.a. lazy. lazy, lazy. i feel like i went to bed early last night, after falling asleep on the couch for an hour. i woke up at 9:30 and fell back asleep, staying in bed until NOON. then i got up, ate some avocado on toast, watched the end of brazil, and fell asleep one more time. it's now three in the afternoon, i've gotten nothing done today (except taking out the recycling), and i can't decide if i should make a cup of coffee and go to the grocery store, or settle into the couch with a book for yet another nap. i have a feeling i'm going to just piss away the rest of this day off, but i can't figure out why i'm so tired and i don't feel like arguing with it. a book and the couch it is! maybe i'll do the cup of joe as well, and see where that takes me.

the highlight of my day

wasn't the two cocktails that made me all soft and pillow-y, rather, it was the crazy old hippy who hugged me at work today. there's something about a dirty old man with a long ponytail and a yen for composting toilets that pleases me tremendously. he asked my name, and when i told him he sighed and said, "that's wonderful, i love that name." then he wanted to know my last name, which i told him, but then added that someday i hope it's "pants." he laughed out loud and said, "amanda pants, i will be back to see you." then he hugged me and left and my co-workers made fun of me for being a softy for old hippy guys. what can i say? three magic words and i'm yours. "off the grid."

dorkiness aside, the mustache so far is winning the race. i'm looking over here for the perfect one. i'm also drawing some pictures, and looking through past photos trying to find one i like. i'm thinking about growing my bangs out. i'm chasing the cat around the house on a regular basis, which she complains loudly about but i think she secretly loves. i have a load of laundry that needs to go into the drier. i actually interviewed for that other job at work. i don't think i'll get it, but i did get a free cup of coffee out of the deal. also, i watched the machinist the other night and realized that i will never again want to make out with christian bale. once you see all of a man's vertebrae, it's over.

urine trouble!

guess who had to pee in another cup today? that's right, ME! my boss tells me the other day i have to fill out another online application at work, and that i have to take another urine test. i tell him i might need to take to a couple of days to flush all the pcp out of my system. then i ask him where and when and so today, on my day off no less, i got to pee in yet another cup. i've almost peed in as many cups as months i've lived here. whoo! he assures me that this is the last test i'll have to take before they "hire" me, and i told him i'll believe it when i see it.

we also have a work meeting tonight at some irish-pub-meets-red-robin, which is annoying (again, it's my day off) but i'll be getting paid to eat a free meal so whatever. i did tell the boss that if he does this again, schedule a work meeting for my day off, i'll be quitting. it's retarded.

other than that, i napped, made my first children's mitten (photos to come soon), made a salami sandwich and watched word wars. not a bad day off, in all. i'm looking for a good sci-fi book to read right now too, if you have any suggestions leave them in the comments!

here is a photo of the first small red mitten all done. it needs to be blocked and washed still, that will make it less lumpy around the edges. it's so little! and worked up so quick!

p.s. so far in the poll, 'stache is winning, with cartoon me and photo me running a close second. i'll let you know the final results on monday. or tuesday.

to 'stache, or not to 'stache

i have something kind of super-top-secret in the works, only it's less "secret" than "i don't want to jinx it" but i have to submit a photo of myself and this is freaking me out a little. one, i don't always take the best photos. two, i am chubby. three, this is a photo that is more important than my senior photo as far as i am concerned. i am pondering the following and need your advice. please answer my poll!

these are the looks i am considering:

1. fake mustache. you know i love the 'stache right now like no one else. i am jealous that only boys get to wear them with impunity. i want my own, and this way i will get to have one and also keep my identity sort of secret. plus! i will look all villianous.
2. draw a cartoon me. mom suggested this one after i told her i wanted to wear a fake mustache in my photo. she likes the little cartoony me i draw, and thinks i could make a nice one of those. i think she did not find the faux 'stache idea as funny as i did.
   
3. try to take a normal photo of myself. this will involve hours of patience and my tripod, but it's possible i could get a photo of myself that i like. also, i could make it black and white, which might look cool.
4. ask everyone i know to send me the photos of my they have and try to find a good on there. i could also ask a friend to take some photos, but i might get sort of self-concious and act all weird about it.
   

take the poll, yo and let me know.

what look should i rock in the mystery photo? mustache! curly mustache! cartoon. try to take a normal old picture of myself that doesn't suck. ask someone nicely to do that for me. View Results Make your own poll

si o no?

another set of the fetching fingerless mittens from knitty. this time i used a creamy wool with some thin, sparkly silver yarn thrown in for good measure. i can't tell if i love them or hate them. the silver bits are pretty subtle, but kind of punk rock. i don't know. i'm feeling all self-conscious and weird today.

mainly it's because i ran into some photos a girl i used to be friends with posted on flickr (oh flickr i love you but sometimes not so much!) and it made me sad. don't get me wrong, this was (is) a girl i decided i didn't want to be friends with, and so i stopped being friends with her, but it was not exactly a good break-up. i had another blog at the time, and she had one, and she said a lot of shitty things about me on hers, and i said things to her that might not have been very nice, but at the same time i was having a really hard time explaining why i did not want to be friends with her anymore and she just kept beating at a dead horse until i got sort of snippy. jesus, that was a long sentence. the thing is, i just didn't like how she treated her other friends. i didn't know her for very long, but these were people she grew up and she was doing things that if i were on the other end of, i would have been pretty upset. i've been friends with enough people in my day to know that how you see someone treating their friends is how they will someday treat you, and so i got off that ride because i knew how it ended. shitty? maybe. that whole "best girl friend" thing makes me nervous anyway (for a number of reasons that i'm not going to bore you with), and at the time i was hanging out with a bunch of kids i didn't think i could trust and wasn't comfortable with, and so i stopping hanging out with them. she wouldn't let it go, and i tried so hard to just say, "look, i don't want to be friends. the end," but she insisted on knowing why and i said some things that were probably pretty hurtful. however, i said them in private and she let it all out on the blogosphere, and now when i see her photos (which i am compelled to look at) i feel sad because i really did like her, sad that i can't make friends, like a loser for not having that many, and like the home i love i can't go back to because i would hate to run into her and basically everyone else i have a weird past with.

the friends i have i adore, and i feel lucky to have them, but that whole easy way i used to have of meeting people and making them my own is gone. maybe i'm too picky, maybe i'm too difficult to get along with, maybe i really am a drama queen, but i can see a difference in myself from a few years ago to now. i'm decidedly less open, and i don't know if this is a phase i'm going through, along with my early-midlife-crisis, or what. i joke about my impending spinster-hood, but i worry about being alone sometimes. and i worry that those mittens are butt-ugly.

baby names, etc

no, i'm not knocked up. but i know someone who is! since no one knows what the bun in the oven will be (other than baby, that is), the list of possible names are being made. i love thinking about what the baby might be called, and i love looking at lists of names and their meanings. of course, in order to determine whether or not the name works for me, i try yelling it after tiernan. i figure at some point someone will have to hang their head out the door yelling for them to come in, and i want it to sound all good together. so if it doesn't good right after T, then it's not on my list.
also, my niece has evidently found where the bong is hidden. i joke! baby knows hugs are better than drugs. this picture is my favorite right now for a few reasons, one being that she's beginning to look more and more like her own little person. she has her own expressions, she's starting to interact with people, and she cracks me up. is it weird to miss her and have not actually met her?

i'm addicted to the on demand on my tv. lately all i watch are old hitchcock movies. tonight's movie was spellbound, where once again i was faced with gregory peck's impossible handsomeness. he sounds amazing, and that face! i know it's not classically handsome, not pretty like newman or brando, but if i i could have had a shot at that man back in the day, he would have been in trouble. big trouble. also, ingrid bergman was insanely beautiful. the whole movie was sort of over-dramatic (like most were at the time), and the ideas about psychoanalysis were hilarious, but i enjoyed it very much and left the movie thinking more about how maybe i should do something with my hair more often and invest in a lipstick i like. hitchcock makes me feel sort of dumpy. oddly enough, in a good way.

i had a beer and a bowl of raisin bran for dinner. too hot for cooking.

boo, hiss

hi! i'm not ignoring you. i just don't have anything fun to say. i've been knitting some stuff, and reading some books, and watching too many movies. would it be horribly sad and pathetic to admit that watching all three netflix movies in one weekend makes me feel like the most accomplished girl on the planet? i watched movies! that i paid for! in a timely manner! i also changed all the pillowcases on my bed, but not the sheets. they're just so big and such a pain in the ass, and i got part of the bed-making done and then called it a day. lazy is my middle name.

i also have been telling people all week that i'm going to change my last name to "pants" which i think will be the most hilarious thing on earth. however, did you know legally changing your name is a gigantic pain in the ass? it is. it involves actual court dates and and petitions and blah blah blah. however, if i were to just get married, it would be easy. just carry around your stupid marriage license and the world bows to your newly named self. jerks! what about us spinsters who just want a new name? one without a hyphen and something that will make us crack up at random times? i said it before, and i'll say it again, jerks.

yamo be there!

before i say anything else, let me tell you this: my deodorant and i are totally breaking up. this stuff sucks. at this moment, i smell terrible. not just sort of sweaty, not even a little ripe, but instead i smell a lot like "excuse me ma'am, did you just crawl out of the gutter?" i bought this before i went on vacation, and actually tried it out in texas. to the state of texas, i apologize. i thought this deodorant was a good idea, honest. i looked at the ingredient label, i compared it to the hippy brand i normally use, and the list of things was practically identical. yet for some reason the other hippy brand works. i can't figure out why, but i'm through analyzing it. this stuff should work the same, but it doesn't. i don't care if it's voodoo or the souls of babies that makes the other stuff effective, i'm going back! the stink isn't worth saving two bucks!

yes, well, i saw 311. i know, i know! i don't really like them that much, but the show was fun. red rocks is crazy beautiful, like everyone says, and the sound is incredible. it's not super huge, and even if you aren't the biggest fan of the band playing at any given time, i bet it would still be a good time to go out there. 311 wasn't as good as ween and the flaming lips are going to be tomorrow night, but i'm glad i got to see red rocks for myself. aside from the gaggle of frat dicks "dancing" behind us, i had a good time. i also had the most ridiculous exchange with a boy ever:

me walking down the stairs from the bathroom to my seat
a young man (by young i mean YOUNG, he had the face of a 12 yr old) steps out in front of me.
i stop.
him: where did you come from?
me: up there.
him: i'm glad you're here, i've been waiting for you forever.
me: i'm sure you were.

if he didn't look like he couldn't drive a car yet, i might have considered making out with him just because that was one of the weirdest come ons i've ever gotten. but he looked like i could be his mom, so i gave him a sqeeze on the side as i walked around him and left it at that.

aren't you glad i didn't see michael mcdonald? i'm going to go haul my tired and stinky butt to bed now. where i will no doubt dream of white men that sound black, audacious young men, and finding a deodorant that won't make me smell awful.

three whole days

i got three days off in a row this week! sort of on accident; i asked for today and tomorrow off, then the boss decided to close the store on sunday. i tend to always be scheduled for sunday (because i don't bitch about it), but not this week. or next! whoo!

going to a show tonight out at red rocks. i am not the biggest fan of the band we're going to go see, but i want to see red rocks and the roomates were going so i am too. in fact, i'm not much of a fan at all of the band, they remind me of being hungover in college. i'll get to drink beer outside, though, and see lots of cute colorado boys roaming around, so i'm sure it will be fun.

confession

if you are a cute boy and you come into my work, i will likely ignore you, as that is what i do when faced with cuteness. if i have to help you, i will do it nicely, but sort of nonchalantly. handsome men make me nervous, and when i am nervous, the talking and banter stops since i am too busy trying to act cool and like i totally don't care. however, i *might* also google your name later. ahem. i swear i'm not a stalker! but you know, i am curious.

i asked for rain and then it showed up!

i also finished my fetching fingerless mittens (being washed now, to be blocked later!), hung out with kitten-face, and now i'm going to go do something...i'm not sure what. i have a hundred million things i think i should be doing, but very little in the way of ambition. whoo!

knitting:rain

slush for brains

it's too hot to do anything. too hot to even complain. the cat and i shed all over the house, her leaving small tufts of short hair, me leaving long strands of black straw littered all over. we lie on the couch in a hot lump, losing hair and watching old movies on tv. it's too hot to lay there together, but we are comfy and don't want to move, so we lie there all melty and fussy, thinking about the timbre of gregory peck's voice and how we wish it would rain. at least, i'm pretty sure she's thinking the same thing. either that or she's thinking "anchovies."

goofing at work

some fake lomo action! many of the cameraphones at work have a setting called "color tones," which mimic the effects of a lomo colorsplash. can you tell it was a quiet day in the salt mines?

now i'm not sure if it's kray-ken or crack-en

but it was glorious and wonderful and mildly retarded and over-the-top. i'll admit i didn't much care for the first pirates movie, and didn't even finish watching it (i used to feel guilty when i ended a movie early, now i feel like it's my time and i don't want to waste it on crap!), but this one was fun*. big, dumb, fun.

i also went out with the roommates and had beers and pizza. i have learned that i can have a beer or two on the medication, but that being on it again has made my tolerance like that of a three year old. i used to get my drunk on when i was last on it, but it takes a while to get used to all the side effects and to be honest, even though i feel better i don't feel great. there's a difference. i take enough of the meds to help keep the never-ending panic at bay, but not enough of it to dull my senses completely. i'm still getting used to the new chemistry, and i don't want to push it.

i have also decided that if you hear the jackson 5 and don't melt just a little when you hear the beautiful voice of young michael, then you are dead inside. don't argue with me about this, i know i'm right.

*the nerd in me, though, was upset with how anatomically incorrect the kraken was. or rather, how not like a humboldt it was. my nerd sides were arguing with each other the whole time; happy about tentacle goodness, and at the same time thinking about how the beak was all wrong. dork!

if my fists weren't so small i'd break shit with them

i'm tired and frustrated. the guy that was supposed to interview me was in the store all day long. all fucking day. interviewing everyone but me. i'm not sure what i expected since i seem to be working for the most scattered, clueless jerks in the midwest, but i kind of thought you know, that if they told me i was having an interview today i would have an interview today. instead i'm supposed to call tomorrow for a phone interview. my day off! wonderful. i'm annoyed. one of the guys i work with is also bugging the shit out of me lately, and we keep getting to close the store together. so not only did i spend a whole day sitting next to the fucker, but i spent all day waiting for an interview that never came.

i'm not going to get this job. which is just as well, i'm sure, but i kind of really wanted it.

i feel like i'm waiting for something to happen. first waiting to feel settled, then waiting to feel normal, now waiting to just go home. what if this is as good as it's ever going to get? if that's the case, then i feel really fucked.

i'm sorry, i'm in a bad mood. i'm going to go dye my hair again and eat peanuts.

the love of octopi, it is universal

i am not normally a big plastic clip in my hair sort of girl. however, this is an octopus clip, and i have a long hair. i use these things in my hair in the shower, so i can keep the conditioner in longer. i also use them sometimes when i paint, to keep the hair out of my way. this octopus clip, it is insane. i have it in right now and all my hair is in it, pulled up and folded in half, and i'm shaking my head around it hasn't come loose. it's kind of amazing. yay for hair science!

also, i know it's short notice, but i actually have a job interview tomorrow (just at work!) and i'm worried about that part of my hair this is still dark brown. if i dye my hair again tonight, the parts that got missed (and probably some of the surrounding area too, because who are we kidding? i wasn't that precise to start with), will it all fall out? should i wait a day? wear it in a ponytail tomorrow? although i have to say, no one at work even noticed i did anything to my hair, much less commented on the part i funked up. either they didn't see it, or they were just being nice.

hypothermia -or- i am secretly fifteen years old

two things:

1. if you have really long hair, yes, dying your hair yourself will save you tons of money. however, it will also probably mean that you have a weird spot in the back that doesn't dye because you can't reach it. lucky for you, you have to use a mirror to see that part, so who cares?
   
2. make sure you have a towel you can get all messed up because you will need it for not just your hair. you will also need it to clean up the spatters and schmutz that gets everywhere. also, if you use your bare hands in the shower to wash up, they will get all blue and freakish looking. well, they will if you use freakish dark dye.
   
3. my hair is now the same color as my grandmother's. crazy-old-lady-blackie-black. well, the front is.
   
4. damn! four things!
   

making stuff

stupid knitty. stupid knitty and their cute patterns! sure, i'm almost done with the blankie, but can i work on it? no, i had to start these cute mittens. they're working up quite fast. i started them saturday night, and got all this done yesterday in the car and at the barbeque. i think mine will be a bit longer than the ones in the photo on the pattern because i used a different yarn (hi, i can't follow directions!), but they are very cute and so far they fit just fine. the pattern seems forgiving.

i want to tell you more about seeing the raconteurs, but i've got some knitting to do and some bad television to watch. i will say, though, that jack white seemed to be having a hell of a good time, the fillmore has horrible ventilation and no air conditioning that i could sense, if you like the album you would have loved the show, i'm fairly certain at this point that i must dye my hair black again, and i am super glad i went. i think i need more rock in my life. more hard rock guitars, please! even my sweet boy knows the value of rock.

i am really, really sweaty.

and really, really tired, but totally happy. the art festival was rad, i bought a very cool present for my mom, i'm pretty sure i saw lidia bastianich, had a lemon ice, went to a barbeque that had a lot of nice kids, saw an awesome show, and bought a new lip stain. it was a million degrees outside, and did i mention i got kind of sweaty? no matter how hot it is, no matter how much weight i lose in water, i simply cannot wear a skirt without a slip. hello, OCD. the slips, they are usually made of synthetic fibers, which never, ever, in a million years breathe. i can actually feel the salt crystals on my skin. grossed out yet? think about how i feel. i'm going to have to rinse off before bed.

also, dear little jack lawrence,

you are so ridiculously adorable. i met you once at a blanche show and i was drunk on dirty martinis and i think i scared you a little, but you should know i was there tonight to see you just as much as i was there to see jack white. my roommate, she is also a little jack convert. we really wanted to take you home with us. not in a weird, misery sort of way, but more in a "let us feed you cookies and give you the remote to the tv."

okay, now i have rinse and hit the hay. sleep! whooo!

the guilt is going to kill me (or not)

on thursday my boss told everyone we were having a store meeting this sunday. i asked for this sunday off last month. i'm going to see a show, and i knew there was some arts and crafts thing going on in town that my roommate wanted to go to as well. i didn't say anything at the time because i didn't know exactly what was going on, and didn't want to jump the gun. today when i told him that i had asked for sunday off weeks ago, and now knew my roommate's plan and really wanted to go do that, he sort of guilt tripped me. "well, if that's what you have to do..."

at the same time i'm feeling guilty, i'm thinking about how every single fucking store meeting they've called in the last month has been scheduled on my day off. i think that's sort of unfair, and not only that, i think telling everyone they have to attend a meeting and giving them two days notice is bullshit.

skipping the meeting might not help my chances with the new job thing, but i kind of don't care. i have a life, albeit a small one, and my days off are mine. i don't get many of them, and when i need a day, i ask way in advance for it so i think it's reasonable that they respect that.

at this point the worst thing that can happen is that i get fired. honestly, though, would that really be so bad? would i lose my health insurance? um, no, because i don't have that. would i lose my sick time/vacation time? oh wait, i don't have that either. would i lose my cushy schedule? oh no, i don't actually have that either. finding a new job that would last a few months would be sucky, to be sure, but keeping this job for the next few months is also going to be sucky, so whatever. i vascillate between wanting to rage against the machine and taking a nap. it seems pointless to be upset about this because i know it's a temporary situation but the principle of the matter annoys me.

it totally figures

that the day i feel extra-motivated to get shit done, is the same day it's 103 degrees outside. oh, and did i mention my car has been boycotting air conditioning? it works, but when it's on, the car does not like to run very well or very fast. i lost three pounds today in water weight alone. i know it!

the mail has been so good to me

i mean it! today i got a ton of cool stuff in the mail; some of it i was expecting, some of it a total surprise, all of it wonderful. i'm not going to tell you what it all was, since i believe in the mailed thank you note and i don't want to wreck that for anyone, but one thing was naked by david sedaris. that was my first sedaris book, and the one that a girl named becky stole from me. she also took my favorite striped socks, my copy of stevie wonder's original musiquarium, and my faith in my ability to make friends. i'm not bitter, i'm just saying. tonight my big plan is to put on my pjs and read as much of naked as i can in one sitting.

it's good to have a plan.

oh! i almost forgot. i have an extra ticket to see the raconteurs this weekend in denver at the fillmore. if you want to go, email me.

careful, the sloth might be contagious

i got nothing done today. when i say nothing, i mean it. no laundry, no going to the post office (or even the mailbox), no grocery shopping, no folding of clothes and putting them away, no knitting even! oh my god, how can i be so lazy? i took two naps today. that's approximately one more nap than most people should take in one day, unless they are sick, and i'm not even sniffly.

i am a slug. i did start reading franny and zooey today, though, a book i've always meant to read.

happy pink feet

wearing a uniform to work every day is both very cool and very sucky. cool because i never have to think, "what am i going to have to wear today?" and sucky because sometimes it's "damn, that stupid polo again." under my uniform i try to wear fun socks. knowing that under my god-awful khakis are bright pink argyles makes me happy on the inside, if not on the outside. the other day J caught sight of one of my socks and said, "um, you know you have nothing red on, right?" i said, "my socks are red!" he replied, "yeah, but nothing else." yes, i know. i pointed out how cool it was that my socks were red, and he shook his head at me. i should buy him some purple socks so he can feel the coolness for himself. after all, i did turn him on to crunk and gnarls barkley.

i have tomorrow off, i work friday, then i get two more days off. i was trying to get someone to switch a shift with me so i could have three days off in a row, but no one could do it. working just one day is easy, though, so i'm not exactly complaining. i'm hoping to get some knitting done tomorrow, get a professional to fix my bangs (i look like either dumb or dumber right now), and go to the post office. wild and exciting stuff, i know.

also, this weekend my parents will have been married for 30 years! crazy. you know what this means right? next year i'm thirty, too. my sister called me today to remind me, and i realized i should maybe put something in the mail for them. i'll have to work on that tomorrow.

rainy day

it's been raining on and off for the past few days. i think the natives here hate it, but i love it. it's nice and dark and cool, the air smells good, and it make me sort of homesick in a good way. i'll be home in the fall, and i'll get to have all the rain my little heart desires. whoo!

'roid rage

oh my god! i'm steaming over here! full on, pissed-off, angry, ready-to-burn-shit-down or punch-you-in-the-neck angry! dude!

one of the jerks i work with decided today that he had to buy a car. he's been talking about this for months (literally since i started working there, over five months ago), but has never actually bought a car. sometimes he shifts his focus and decides he's going to buy a motorcycle. he never actually does this either. the past few weeks he's been talking about it a lot, but we all ignored him. after all, he never even goes to look at the cars he talks about, so what the hell.

today, of course, he not only decides he has to buy this car right now, but he leaves three of us at work alone for over 2 1/2 hours. that wouldn't have been so bad if we didn't only have one tech, and a line that went out the front door. we were busting ass all day long, and he was out looking at a fucking car. dude, isn't that what days off are for? when he comes back to work, he gets all huffy with all of us, "you guys don't need to be so mean, i had to do this today." i point out it's not like he was sick, or at the doctor's, or anything like that, but that he was out buying a car while we were stuck at work with a store full of customers. then he tells me that i shouldn't say anything since i went home sick one day. um, yeah, sick. the he "shhh"s me and tells me "not in front of the customers." oh hell no. he's the one that started it! fucker! oh my god. he is so dead to me. i had to stay at work late because he was out fucking around, i had to deal with phones ringing off the hook, a line of people giving me the stink-eye, and he tells me "not in front of the customers?"

i shake my tiny fists in anger!

in better news, i got this photo turned into notecards over at shutterfly and they are hella cute. ha! i used "dude" and "hella" in the same post. hello, 15 years old.

i had a list of things to do

but instead i laid around in bed all day, half-heartedly watching tv and reading david sedaris books. i did manage to put some gas in my car, go to the bank, and buy a protein shake, but that's about it. i need to finish a onesie i promised someone, but eh...i'm enjoying being a sloth. i get one day off this week, and i can buy groceries after work tomorrow.

whew

mornings still seem to be the worst for me. i get all panic-y right about the time i jump into the shower for some reason. secret fear of being discovered dead and naked? maybe. you know my grandfather, the one with only one eye, died on the toilet when i was a kid. that's permanently scarred me for life. no matter how noble a life may have been, die in a bathroom and you are always going to be the family joke.

his life wasn't that noble, actually. he was sort of a jerk, but still. he's known for two things only; his fake eye and being dead on a toilet.

last night i slept all by myself. meaning, no pills helped me get there. i got tired, i put my head down on my pillow, and the next thing i knew it was morning. delightful! sleep, my friend, i missed you.

i applied for a position at work that would let me keep my job, but do it in the back room, away from customers. this would be great for me. i like my co-workers, i don't want to look for a brand-new job, but i am not good at sales. in fact, i downright suck at it. you want to haggle? great, let me pass you off to M. you want to yell? here's a number to call, they can help. i don't have enough patience or ambition to make commissioned sales work for me. i know it, and everyone else knows it too. let's hope they move me.

i am sleepier than usual

which is good for me, but boring for you. i took a nap this afternoon (evening) from about 8 to 10, two whole hours! that amazes me. i haven't had a nap that long since this weekend, but that was tranquilizer induced. this was all me. i feel like i could even go back to sleep on my own. it's great.

adjusting to the medication means i'll be extra sleepy for a while, but then it will taper off. i remember this from the first time. i also remember the way food tastes weird, and how averse i am to stuff that tastes very strongly. it's all plain noodles and toast, boring stuff. my friend garlic is not my friend at the moment.

anxiety makes the world small in a couple of ways. it makes you want to stick to one very specialized, limited routine. you do the same things every day, things that are safe and comforting. you become focused on yourself only, on how your body feels, and trying to make sure it doesn't riot. you spend a lot of time talking yourself into feeling okay. you start to miss out on stuff that isn't in your routine, you avoid things that might be new, places where you might get nervous and not have an escape plan. i know that sounds ridiculous, escape plan. it's not like i'm a fugitive, but the escape plan becomes real important. having a way out all the time is important. going to the movies means scoping out a spot where you can see the film well and making sure you have access to the exit without anyone in the way. going to a new place means finding the bathroom and the fastest way out first. it all starts gradually and becomes normal though, and you don't even realize you're doing it until you don't go someplace new because the thought of having to make a new escape route makes you tired. it's isolating and exhausting. being that nervous takes a lot of work, and a lot of planning. it's not all fun and games, kids.

watching fargo on amc i'm laughing at the words they dubbed in over the swear words. you foolish old man! i gave simple, fruitful instructions. ha! i can see buscemi's mouth, and that was not full briefcase he said. good times. i'm going to start replacing "fucking" with "fruitful" from now on.

i'm at work

no, really. i am. holiday pay? um, no. i bought a magazine at the grocery store this morning, to try to fend off the boredom. it's not working. bored bored bored. annoyed. missing my couch and the twilight zone marathon that's still going on. one more day of the house to myself, which means tonight i have to clean up. left to my own devices i mess things up pretty quickly.

bored!

cherry!

when cherries are in season, and not insanely expensive, i will eat them until my teeth are purple.

no crying today. i'm thinking in straight lines for more than five minutes at a time. work was not awful. my friends rule. so does the couch and ordering pay-per-view movies (nothing to return! you watch it and then you're done!). i still have a ways to go, but the immediacy of the panic, the way i felt all small and compressed and unable to see anything outside myself is going away. soon i'll write posts that aren't all self-obsessed and only about my brain.

movies i watched this weekend

with notes to follow later today! right now i have to go to work.

1. match point
2. million dollar hotel
3. no such thing
4. massive amounts of the twilight zone, which wasn't actually a movie, but should count considering i lost hours yesterday to that show.
   

baby steps

remember in what about bob? when richard dreyfuss tells bill murray to take baby steps and bill (bob) takes him literally and minces through the office, down the hall, into the elevator, etc? i can sort of relate. i broke yesterday into small chunks of time that i could manage; an hour here, a few hours there, a pill here, a nap there, maybe a shower. i made small and stupid goals, one a time and tried not to think any further than i had to, and it seemed to work. my body still feels weird and shakey, but today i'm finding i can sit still through a whole movie, i can think some things all the way through instead of thinking about five million things all at once, and i can focus for more than ten minutes at a time. the truth is, the medication won't kick in all the way for about a week or so, but the difference between today and friday is huge. for one thing, i haven't cried all day. the last two weeks found me crying at least once a day (usually about nothing specific), and the last month or so i've been bursting into tears at random times. this freaked me out because i am a not a big crier, but i couldn't stop it once it started. my mom kept saying to me, "stop with the crying! you can cry when i start acting like a jerk, don't cry because i want to send you money. this is good stuff i'm telling you."

the counselor they sent me to on friday was horrible. she was wearing sandals without socks and had these awful raggedy toenails, and i was sitting there trying to explain how my skin hurt and i wanted to crawl out of it and she was recommending some herbal tea. tea is great, i love tea, but all i could do was look at her awful toenails, scratch at my arms, and finally ask, "so you can't prescribe anything, right?" i felt like such a drug-seeking loser right then, but i needed something to help me sleep, something to get me evened out, so that things like herbal tea, relaxation tapes and yoga don't seem to laughable. half an hour into our little meeting i just flat out said, "look, i need to see a doctor. can i write you a check?" i went to the clinic i had been referred to, but they won't see me until the 25th of july. at that moment i had a mini-internal breakdown, looked blankly at this nice guy all tattooed sitting behind a very tall desk and said, "25th? really?" i took the appointment, because i didn't know what to do and thought maybe later this month it will come in handy. i got into my car, cried for a while, then called the agency i worked with in the beginning. i explained that i had been sent to a counselor who was not a doctor, that i didn't know she couldn't help me, that i tried to get an appointment at the place they referred me to but that they won't see me until much later this month, and i'm sorry i'm crying but i feel really crazy and i think i need to see a doctor. this lady, she was a genius. she told me to go to an urgent care clinic, explain that i needed someone to get me on something, and take it from there.

if someone had told me this about a week ago, i would have been thrilled.

the doctor i finally saw was sort of a condescending prick who said to me, "maybe we shouldn't have gone off the meds, should we?" but i could have cared less because he was writing things down on a blue notepad. when he asked me how i was and i told him i was okay he said, "no you aren't okay, or else you wouldn't be here." he was a smart-ass, but i wanted to hug him anyway. the script he wrote was weird though, lots of tranquilizers all at once, ssri's in small groups of five. the ssri's aren't the fun pills, so i'm confused why he was so stingy with them.

i don't know what i'll do the next month. go back to the urgent care clinic when my prescription is up, or go to the other clinic. i still can't think past a few hours here and there, but i feel more like myself every moment. there's a twilight zone marathon on the scifi channel, and i'm knitting a baby blanket and feeling like tomorrow might not be horrible. i'm not looking forward to going back to work, but i think i'll be better at it than i have been for a long time. baby steps.

things i like

1. patrick warburton. that man is in more cartoons than i can shake a stick at. he's in the venture brothers, the x's (a cartoon i just discovered this morning), family guy, kim possible, and he was david puddy on seinfeld. i can't get enough of him.
   
2. toast. specifically sourdough toast. it's kind of all i can eat right now (outside of yogurt, which i'm sick of), since my stomach is sort of upset.
   
3. this movie. found over on pharyngula.
   
4. falling back asleep this morning. i had a little help from some ativan, but i feel better now having gotten some more sleep. the doctor told me the ativan would make me feel "blissed out" but i think he underestimated how spun up i was, since all it does for me it take the edge off. if i'm lucky it makes me sleepy. i'm okay with this. if it was that good, i'd be sad when the pills ran out.
   
5. having two whole days to myself to rest and goof off.
   
6. knowing the strangers with candy movie is coming out soon.
   

i was up at 5:30!

because i went to sleep all by myself, but i did go down at 11 so maybe being up this early isn't so bad. i'm going to just let my body do what it wants the next couple of days because 1) it's getting used to some new medication and 2) i have the next two days in a row off so whatever.

i got a nice email this morning and didn't cry, so i think i'm moving in the right direction.

i wonder if there's anything good on tv this early in the morning?