Thursday, January 26, 2006

hmmm...

the interview today went pretty well. they guy who will be my boss was super nice, the other kids at the store seemed happy, and just this afternoon they offered me the job.

but...it can't ever be that easy, can it? nope. the place i interviewed at yesterday got me an interview tomorrow, for a reception gig at an architechture/engineering firm. the pay is actually the same, except there's one more day (m-f as opposed to m&t, f&s). also, it's another office job. i'm not sure how i feel about that. there's this part of me that is sick of trying to fit into coporate america, doesn't like being trapped at a desk, and hates the 8-5 grind. i am not, nor have i ever been, much of a morning person. i'm 28 and this is the one thing i know really well about myself. there's part of me that knows that taking that job over the retail one is the smart thing to do, the reasonable thing to do, the grown-up responsible, making more money thing to do. yet i hate the idea and find myself stiffening against it. fuck!

the thing is, working four days a week will mean i'll be making enough to survive. i won't have a ton of money left over, but i would be making enough for rent and food and the bills i have. when i say "not a lot left over" i mean, maybe $200. there's the slim outside chance that i could supplement my income with an extra day here or there, or selling enough stuff on-line. theoretically, i'd have a whole extra day a week that i could devote to making stuff to sell, as well as painting, photography, and all my other little crafty ambitions. i could also tighten my belt, as it were, and cut some of my expenses. this place is close enough that i could walk or ride a bike, i could get rid of netflix (which might kill me but could also make me stronger! plus, i can't cut off the cable because that's something all three of us pay for), i'm already becoming better and better friends with the library, and being broke this long has only renewed my love of top ramen. it could be done, and it could be a way for me to take a break from corporate desk life and get a little more retail experience under my belt. with that, after a while i could move somewhere else. it is possible.

if i take this job with the idea that i'll use that extra day to give the side business a lot more attention, as well as all the artsy stuff, then that means i have to seriously commit to that. i can't spent that extra day goofing off and fucking around doing nothing.

i feel super conflicted. on one hand, this job i was offered sounds right up my alley; no desk, an afternoon schedule, working with other kids as well as seeing all sorts of weirdos wander in and out of the store. when i'm not telling people to "suck it" i'm actually fairly pleasant. i do have a teensy chip on my shoulder when it comes to being treated like a retard by customers, but the same thing happens as a receptionist, only by the same people every day. on the other hand, i'm 28 years old and might be giving up a really good job with benefits and blah blah blah (to be honest, i'm sick to death of working jobs i hate just so i can see a doctor if i get sick. that's fucking bullshit!), and how grown-up can i be if i'm working as a greeter in a cell phone store? my mother almost had a conniption when i mentioned this to her on the phone, which made me feel guilty, and yet is exactly the reason i moved away from home to start with. i've done what she and pop wanted me to do my whole life and all it's gotten me is some serious educational debt and this nagging feeling like nothing i do is ever good enough. i'm not a workaholic, i'm not "ambitious," i work because i have to do and i try to not doing anything that makes me want to kill people.

am i being unreasonable? my head hurts.

5 comments:

Tera said...

i have more respect for you right now than ever before. you picked up and moved all on your own. now, go greet all those lame-o's in the mall and enjoy that day off. ou have tioed enuf for now. and that new niece needs clothes to grow into!! screw the doctors office!! that is what free clinics are for... :)

Tera said...

wow, sorry about the spelling... that is you have toiled enuf for now...

Megan said...

No, you're not being unreasonable. I'd probably be right where you are if I didn't have Aiden. You need to do what makes you happy, no matter what your mom says.

And as far as mom's making us guilty, girl, they must have a secret club. My mom never made me feel guilty about my career choices, it was always about my *looks*. She would say these insidious little things that over the course of my life has simply served to make me *extremely* self conscious. Thanks, mom.

Anonymous said...

Don't feel guilty, you should do what you want and what makes you happy. That said, it doesn't seem as though your previous jobs as a receptionist and in retail have made you happy. I'd venture to say one reason is because you are smart, and those jobs didn't challenge you intellectually. In theory, it's all well and good to work to make money and do what we love on the side, but unfortunately in a capitalist society we spend most of our waking lives working. I agree that is a sad sad prospect, but I think it makes it all the more important to strive to find a job that fulfils you more than just financially. The search for the perfect job is a futile one, but I believe finding a job that makes you feel good about yourself occasionally and helps others can be done.

I know you seem down on higher ed lately, but in a previous post you said you'd like to study for a living but no one will pay you to do that. I've figured out a way! It's called a Ph.D. program. OK, so maybe they won't pay you to study *forever* but getting enough to live on (barely) for 7 years in exchange for TAing one class a semester and studying what I love is a pretty sweet deal.

snowballinhell said...

Of course, I'm more inclined to tell you to take the arch/eng firm job strictly because it wouldn't prevent you from getting to SnB on Monday nights...but all selfishness aside, you should do what will make you the happiest. And remember that if you're hungry and tired of top ramen, I'm not terribly far away.

G and I will be vegging this weekend for lack of $$ to do something more entertaining, so you can always come over and veg with us! You've got my cell #, right?