mas fuerte! or, how to actually get me excited about a date.

i am very tired and should be sleeping, but i'm trying my hardest to stay up. tomorrow is my only day off this week, thanks to yet another quitter at work, and while the overtime will be awesome, i'm dreading that seven day stretch. not only that, but next weekend (this next sunday) is inventory YET AGAIN, meaning another overnight work shift. it all culminates in my dreading going to bed because that's just going to start the cycle of crap my life has become.

i'm in a foul mood, thanks to the work situation and a visit from my monthly female friend. when PMS rears it's ugly head i always swear up and down that this never happens to me, that my being pissy and fussy and grumpy and frumpy is a rare occurrence, but i wonder if i just do that so i don't feel so doomed about it. bleh.

oh, and i got asked out on a date, in a proper sort of way. "proper" as in, "hey, we should go see a movie or something together sometime" and while it's nice in theory, the execution leaves something to be desired. is that strange? i mean, i haven't even gone out with the guy and already i'm critiquing his moves. all day at work i had this discussion with josh about what i have termed the mas fuerte* scale; 1 being a guy who is a crazy, lame pushover, and 10 being the guy who is so macho, so alpha male that it makes you sick, and five being mr. average. a 5 guy's got some mas fuerte moments, but knows when to tone it back. personally, i'm looking for a man who scores a 7. (maybe an 8 at times.) this guy who asked me out, his approach thus far has him at a 3 or 4. is this indicative of what's to come? would going to a movie with a normal, nice guy be such an awful thing? am i nit-picking because i am a bitter old hag? who knows. perhaps i should sleep on it, do some tinkering on the mas fuerte scale, and maybe, just maybe, try to reel in my hyper-critical inner bitch.

*my pidgin spanish for "most strong" or "not a weak-ass-talk-about-my-feelings-man." i might be a feminist, but that doesn't mean i want to date a man who acts like a woman.

you should meet this kid

even the most hard-hearted spinster aunts meet this kid and think, "ooh, i'll take three." you can't be within a fifteen foot radius of coco-bean and not be glued to his every move. i wanted to take a million more photos of him but that would have required setting him down and getting out a camera, and why would anyone do that when they could be snuggling his sweet cheeks and getting him to smile and wave at you? even asleep this kid is adorable and just radiates happy good times. please meet cohen!

oh-em-gee

dude, i totally went to a casino tonight. a casino where i had beers, watched a totally fun and awesome 80's cover band, and made out with a 21 year old. he was a sweet puppy, but really, really wanted to come home with me. while his kissing skills were admirable, the thought of having to wake up early to take him home wasn't appealing so i left him there. i will admit, however, that making out at random in a dark, smoky corner while a band of dorks plays bon jovi song is infinitely delightful. as shallow as it might sound, that little bit of kissing made me feel prettier than i have in months. it was a good night.

one in the morning!

i am exhausted, grody and ready for bed. camping was awesome. i'm going to miss seeing the boys when i wake up in the morning.

see ya later!

off to go camping tonight after work! i'll be back this weekend!

solitary

in progress, originally uploaded by pinprick.

this was my one day off this week. i am not complaining, per se, but i am explaining in case i am a fussy mess later this week. i got a lot done today; oil change, haircut, toenail polishing and grocery shopping. i have an early day at work tomorrow, and a bachelorette party to attend tomorrow night. the bachelorette in question isn't one of my favorite co-workers, but it's not as though i hate her or anything. she's just one of those girls who happens to be ten years younger than i am but impossibly matronly. i've alway thought of her as a housewife, that's how she acts, this whole wedding thing just confirms it. the cocktails and ridiculousness, though, i can get behind.

long days

work has been exhausting lately. it's more of the same old story; people quitting, people on vacation, people bitching and pissing and moaning instead of, oh, i don't know, doing their job?! it's at a point right now where i think every day of looking for another job, but am so tired the thought of resumes and applications makes me fall straight into a coma. summers in grocery stores are all shitty, summers in delis especially so.

in my free time i'm knitting hats. this is my latest. my roommate will most likely end up with it; she's going to do my hair this weekend and it's the least i can do. plus she really likes it, and i have to admit it turned out cute. i'm working on another one for me, which is selfish seeing as i have a list of christmas knitting to be working on, but i maintain that this hat i'm making is a trial run for a pattern i'm making up and i just need to make sure it works. that and i fell in love with a green and mustard yarn that must be part of my life. the hat will be striped (of course) and cabled (natch). i'm busy getting my yarns and patterns ready for camping, because there is quite literally not much i love more than campfires, marshmallows, beers, friends and knitting. i don't think i'm the only woman out there who buys yarn in preparation for trips out into the wilderness.

i'm also trying, one more time*, to lose a little weight. i mention this not because i plan on diet blogging, but because i find when i don't tell people i have a harder time sticking with it. letting kids at work know means that they don't offer me delicious tastes of what they're working on, and the coffee girl doesn't feel bad when i turn down her free smoothies. i've made a deal with myself: lose X amount of weight by my birthday, reward myself with one big awesome tattoo. i'm not looking to whittle away to nothing, but i'd like to feel a bit more confident in my skin, and want to get my tummy tamed so my boobs look even better. that's reasonable! my plan so far is this; no more snacking at work unless i'm on a break and snacking on something from home, no more cocktails at work (only on my days off) and at least one very reasonable, diet-conscious meal a day. i eat well for breakfast, don't do a lot of sugary drinks, and dinner is usually easy for me, it's the eating at work thing that's totally killing me. a chicken wing here, or some artichoke dip there seems like nothing but adds up. i just need to pay more attention to what i'm eating and i think that should help.

*ha! yes, i said it. of course, when i go on another diet/change of lifestyle kick, i'll say the same thing. i know it!

mission accomplished!

i drank too much wine and had approximately four more cigarettes than was necessary*. i also watched one of my favorite documentaries, ate some of my favorite candy, and realized that i really do love living in this house.

*necessary amount of cigarettes for me? how about zero. i love them, but they do not love me.

go team venture!

it's no big secret i am totally in love with the venture brothers. a friend is having a baby next year and if it's a boy they are thinking of the name brock, not because they watch the show, but because they think it's a good name, and i am HUGELY stoked. i keep my mouth shut about it, though, because if i make it sound too nerdy they won't do it. i know that.

the point is, you can watch doc hammer and jackson publick talking about the show here. check out the extras, it's totally worth it. i have to admit, my crush on brock is waning, only because there are two delicious real-live men who make the show. could doc hammer be any foxier? seriously. and that publick...i'd take five minutes in a closet with him any day. true story.

there is so much to tell you!

but it's all kind of minor, random stuff, so you get to hear about it in list format. ready? here we go:

• i took maggie to her first drive-in movie, at oak harbor's blue fox drive in. i have been to this drive in many, many times. as a teenager, i spent a lot of time necking in the backseat of cars there, as well as drinking disgusting alcoholic concoctions and smoking joints. my night with maggie was much more tame. we saw wall*e, which was very cute, and surprisingly enough, she stayed awake through the whole thing. of course, she was dead to the world seconds after we pulled out of the driveway. i think she had fun; drive-ins are nice for kids because you can talk and wiggle and even get out and run around and no one complains. it was a pretty inexpensive night as well, so i think we'll be going again.
• the next day we hit up the north whidbey lion's club car show (slideshow here!). it was crazy rainy, as in, totally down pouring, so i bundled mag up and we wandered around for a while before packing it in. i didn't get to take many photos, i was busy wrangling the stroller through wet grass and mud, and the light was bad anyhow. maggie liked the cars, though. a little rain didn't ruin it for her at all. she was very pleased, and had a good time looking around.
• it was inventory time last night. we did a weird shift, midnight to 8 a.m. the inventory itself went really well, although i spent the rest of today sleeping and napping and snoozing. truth be told, i pissed today away. i have higher hopes for tomorrow!
  
• my camping trip is coming up, and i'm getting more and more excited! i want to take maggie with me, but i'm feeling like my sister is going to change her mind. that might be okay; i'll be sad not to bring her, but truthfully, she'll probably be easier to take next year. my weekend with her was great, but had some challenging moments. maggie just learned how to pull hair when she is unhappy, and the yelling and pinching is also not so fun. she's just pushing boundaries and testing me, i know, and it didn't take long for her to realize i wasn't going to budge, but we probably all need to get on the same page as far as her discipline goes.
  
• tiernan turns five any second now! i can't believe how big he is, how grown up my little man is getting. i need to find him the perfect present, five is kind of a big deal.
  
• did i mention the camping? jeez, i can hardly wait. we're going here, which means i need to get my ass in gear and get a new swimsuit. i'm excited about being out in the woods for a few days, with my friends, drinking beer and playing with the kids, swimming and goofing off. i bought my pocket farkle months ago, i am ready for this trip.
• i've been working on my knit christmas presents. i know it sounds early, but i'm actually sort of behind. i need to get on with it!
  

tomorrow i plan on cleaning my room, doing laundry and going the library. i know, my life is so exciting, but it should be a fun day.

when allergies ATTACK!!!

dammit, i cannot breathe. i can, however, projectile sneeze, hack loudly, sniffle and swell to the size of a balloon. go me!

i've been at my folks this weekend, and really wanted to stay there today until i had to work tonight at midnight (inventory time!) but getting any sleep there was pretty much impossible. then my allergies kicked in and i said a very hasty "thanks! bye!" and got the hell out of there.

on my way home i bought a four pack of those goofy little wines, some benadryl, a new sleep mask and some ear plugs. i only took one of the allergy pills and drank one bottle of wine, don't worry! but i need something to knock me out for a few hours so i can effectively count cheese and pounds of deli meat and crackers upon crackers upon crackers. wish me luck tonight!

personal responsibility

top off, originally uploaded by pinprick.

a good friend of mine is getting married in a few weeks. there isn't much i wanted this year more than to go back to colorado to be there, but due to financial constraints i won't be able to go. i feel stupendously shitty about this. i've had just about a year to save up for it, and regardless of the fisherman's quick exit i feel like i really should have had the money for it. not having it, missing the wedding, makes me feel like a lousy friend.

what makes me feel worse though, is that at the same time i feel bad about missing the wedding, and about missing seeing my friends tie the knot, i'm also kind of relieved. not being able to go means not having to have awkward conversations about the loser turn my life has taken. it means not having to see other friends i long ago broke-up with, and it means no one has to see my fat ass in person. truth be told, i'm in kind of an unhappy place and don't really feel like letting my enemies (more like frienemies) see that. i've never felt more shallow in my life. wanting to avoid seeing high school friends is so cliche! ugh.

i've been feeling bad about all of this for months now, ever since i realized i wouldn't be able to go to the wedding. i got an email this morning from the bride asking us all to wear a special color so she'll be able to enjoy seeing us all together and i suddenly felt even shittier (which i wasn't sure was possible), and realized that i have no one to blame but myself. my life is the way it is because i've made some poor choices. I picked the wrong guy, i ran up my credit card bills, i took a job that pays shit, i ate too much pizza and beer. i can bitch and piss and moan about it all i want or i can do something about it. while i may not make it to this wedding, i can start working on a kick ass wedding present. i can work out more. i can lay off the cheese when i'm not at work. i can make much better relationship decisions. feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in whiskey and pity isn't that attractive, and with all the things i have done in my life you'd think none of this would seem that daunting. it's just having to take responsibility for my crap-tastic life that is.

smoke 'em if you got 'em

most of you who know me know that there are times when i indulge in smoking cigarettes. however, this year i tried earnestly to cut it out for good, and did a whole six months without so much as a drag on a smoke. it was easy in a lot of ways; i mean, i really like smoking, i like the lighters and the ashtrays and going out for a smoke break at work or with friends at the bar, but never really had much of a nicotine itch. for me, smoking has been primarily a social activity. that's not to say when i was in my hard-core smoking days (ha! at the most i smoked half a pack a day, but usually it was a pack a week!) i didn't crave it, but i always felt like it wasn't so much physical as it was psychological.

however, i have been smoking more since i moved in with a smoker (she smokes about a pack a day), and i'm telling you, if i knew she'd left her smokes out on the back deck i would sneak out there right now for one while everyone else slept. i'm going to buy a pallet of gum at costco and stop with all the smoky goodness. honest!

paging the nanny

oh boy, the amount of noise these kids create right after waking up is amazing. it's a scientific marvel, i'm sure of that. i know part of them does it for the attention (they are the sort of kids who want all attention, regardless of whether it's good or bad), so i just let them go until they peter out. i don't want to start my day as the evil british nanny i know i am on the inside, so i just take my coffee into my room and turn on some cartoons. they're still not great with the concept of personal space and why i need it, but they're getting better. truth be told, they are good kids, but this is a weird situation and it's taking some time for us to all settle into a nice routine.

ridiculous in action

ridiculous in action, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i know they look insane and uncomfortable, but they are oddly appealing. i kind of like how heavy they are, it's a hard to describe feeling. the feeling is slightly tingly and just supremely heavy. in the best possible way. since i first spotted them at hot topic (yes! i am thirty! i shop at hot topic!) i've been coveting them, but was too afraid to find out how much they were. either they'd be crazy expensive and that would make me sad, or they wouldn't be and i would have to have them. the latter won out, and i'm glad. people with normal ears wince when they see them go in, but it really isn't a painful experience. odd, yes. takes some getting to, sure. they're special occasion earrings, you know. beauty hurts!

aunt flo can suck it

my uterus is totally being a bitch, y'all. tonight after work, and many, many ibuprofen, i bought some beer and ice cream and headed out. in the check-out line i joked with the cashier, "who's got her period?! not me!" ugh. i feel bloated and retarded and pissy. i just thought you should know.

the thing is, i've been having my period for many years now (twenty this year, to be exact), but it's only in the past year or so that i've actually had cramps. it's like the one nice thing god did for me; sure i got my period at an ungodly age, but no cramps! jokes on me, i guess.

alright!

i need you to remind me that flirting with a married man is not okay. a huge chunk of me knows this to be the case, but is weak enough to be flattered when he starts and unable to stop the proverbial ball from rolling. i need you to remind me that while i might not be beating the men off with a stick right now, i'm also not so down-trodden that i need to make a stop at adultery town. he's not available, and if he thinks he is, he's more of a loser than i realized. i will NOT hang out with him outside of work. i WILL start taking my lunches at weirdo times. i'll go out to a bar and meet a nice boy to make-out with and cleanse my palette of all this. i'm embarrassed how much of my attention has been absorbed by this torrid little story. gah. i feel like a girl who just got hit on for the first time and is weak enough to believe the hype. ridiculous!

in the meantime, did you know topo chico is pretty much the greatest mixer with bourbon? how did this escape my attention all these years? dear joolie and eric, thanks for introducing me to topo chico. you get a gold star!

bleh

i am not hungover, but i am tired. my roommate, she is hungover. i stopped drinking early, made all my drinks weak as hell, and drank a giant glass of water before bed. it's just that i went to bed like 6 hours ago and i need at least seven hours to feel human.

it's going to be a long day.

your mama was a monkey

going to the zoo today with my favorite little monkey! it will either be super fun, or mostly fun with a chance of one or two meltdowns. we're at that age, you know. here is a short list of things maggie does now that crack me up:

• when you say "maggie!" to get her attention she yells back "what-ie?"
  
• she will admit when she is feeling rotten. this is useful information, but it's hard for me to keep a straight face. i know that my job is to remain impassive and stern when she's being a tiny jerk, but sometimes she has that look on her face; that sparkly, ha-ha twinkle, and i break. i am a weak auntie.
• she grinds her teeth and talks in her sleep like the rest of us.
• it's retarded and i know soon we're going to have to crack down on it, but she's still hellen keller at the dinner table. we make her a plate of her own, but she never eats off it. instead she travels from lap to lap, taking what she wants and giving you that little shit-eating grin.
  

the fact is, she knows she's cute, she knowns we adore her, and she's doing her damnedest to get away with murder.

off to the zoo! i'll take photos of your mom while i'm there.

it's official: i'm a dick

i hate to say this, because i realize that teenagers are inherently annoying and abrasive and weird, but i really do not care for the one i live with. the situation is livable, that's for sure, but goddamn, the girl never stops talking. she never takes a breath, never stops to think about what is actually going to come out of her mouth, never lets more than five seconds pass before she's on to the next inane story. the only time she isn't talking is when she's sleeping or eating. her stories are also horrible; all about kids i don't know, situations i have no context for, family i don't care about. i am trying hard to be patient and kind, and remember how awful adolescence was and cut her some slack, but there are times when it takes a giant force of will to stop me from rolling me eyes or asking her to just shut the fuck up. ack. maybe motherhood isn't for me.

i don't feel this way about my kids, though. they can talk till the sun goes down and even if i'm not glued to their every word the sound of their happy little voices is nice to hear. i'm biased though, because tiernan and maggie and jude are ridiculously smart and funny and cuddly. teenagers, not so much.

plus, she's been into my cupboard. i know for sure she ate one of my kinder buenos, and then she left the empty box in there. i asked her about it and she was all wide-eyed and "i have no idea!" until i pointed out that i would not put an empty box back into my own cupboard. she's also been eating my lean cuisines, which is petty for me to be irked about, but i am. i buy them cheap at the g.o. and eat them for lunch, because i am lazy. having to pack lunches for the next few days annoys me, and i will now be putting my name on all my stuff so she can't do the whole " i thought they were mom's." they weren't, and she knew it. her mom would rather die than eat a lean cuisine. true story.

okay, i feel all jerky and embarrassed now admitting how annoyed i am. i'm a grown-up! i should be above all this! alas, i'm not. we'll all settle into a nice routine, and i might have to act a bit more stern than i would like, but we'll all survive and this will build my character. or something.

how is it saturday already?

i swear the week just started! i actually did some moving/unpacking stuff today. if i have to move out of this place any time soon i am going to be seriously pissed. and i'm going to ask for help, so beware.

a friend at work hooked me up with a dresser she was getting rid of. it's retarded looking (someone painted it hot pink and black, and they did so poorly), but it's big and fits in the closet so you can't see it. i also bought some curtains and a rod today, and a computer desk and chair. i spent a LOT of money, but it was well worth it. i think. i need to balance my checkbook and make sure i can actually keep it all, i might need to take some of the extraneous stuff back. like the candles i bought, and the votive holders. there's $10 right there!

work is both strange and good right now. i got a raise! finally. i'm serious, i've been promised this raise for months and months now, and was getting ready to quit. i was actually going to wait until i went on vacation, then do it when i got back. so that's the good news. the strange is the wine guy, of course. the rumors about us are running rampant and virulent, and i can't do much but laugh them off, really. to protest too much just makes me look guilty, and no matter what i say people are going to believe what they want. plus, he's taken to not wearing his wedding ring. what the fuck? i recall him distinctly wearing it when we met, that's how i knew he was married, but because he doesn't wear it no one else knows it. i have to tell on average three people a day that he's married and i'm not a whore, and yes we have lunch together sometimes. jeez. i think that's allowable, and to be honest, i don't want to give that up. selfish, yes, but i don't know a lot of people who share the same interests as me, and i think as long as i never make-out with him, i should be able to have lunch with him. for all i know, all those things he said could just be perfectly innocent. he hasn't made an actual move toward my boobs, so i think i'm safe.

speaking of boobs! i saw a co-worker today and she was in her regular clothes, and looking super foxy. i said, "hey M! you look super cute! man, you have great boobs." i mean, she does. (insert sexual harassment suit here!) she said "thanks, i should, i paid a lot for them." d'oh! i didn't believe her, not because i think buying boobs is inherently awful or shallow or anything, but just because i've known her for a long time now and had no idea. plus, they look amazing. really. i would have never in a million years thought they were anything but perfectly natural. she's got a great doctor. it had to be the funniest conversation i've ever had with her, though, and while i was surprised to hear her news, i was kind of stoked she likes me enough to tell me. (and you know what, if you are wearing a cute shirt and your girls look good, i will tell you too. i can't help it. some shirts just make them look awesome and i'm all about giving a girl props for it!)

reasons i hate my sister

1. she can get me to do pretty much anything with the promise of a new eyeshadow. tonight i'm babysitting my niece in order to get a free lancome shadow, a crazy pretty shade called personal style. in real life it's a lot more peacock-y.
   
2. she got me hooked on maroon five. could adam levine have a more nasally voice? could the songs be any more ridiculous? could i be any more hooked? the answer to all of those is "yes." dammit.
3. her baby is like crack to me, i can't get enough.
4. she's always super-well put together and no matter how cute i feel when i leave the house, i feel shlumpy next to her. true, i take five minutes to get ready and she takes considerably longer, but does she always have to be so damn cute?
5. all the clothes she picks out for me are adorable and expensive and worth it. i spend too much with her! in high school she was my personal stylists and i must admit she's got a good eye for what works on me.
   

awesome afternoon

awesome afternoon, originally uploaded by pinprick.

before i moved in with d, she would sometimes show up at work a bit hungover telling me she kind of had a party, "on accident," the night before. i thought she was full of shit, until it happened last night.

it wasn't anything ridiculous or retarded; i think the most daring thing we did was move a neighbor's sprinkler so it would also water our back yard, but it was fun. some girls came over, we drank beers on the back porch and enjoyed the lovely afternoon weather late into the evening, and then we all drank giant glasses of water and went to bed. it was really very enjoyable. at times after work i feel seriously anti-social, but then people show up and i have fun and think about how glad i am that it's not always up to me. because if it were, there's a good possibility i would be a hermit.

today i got my deposit back from the other apartment, and while i kind of feel like they gouged me for the cleaning, i got back a little over half and that's fine by me. it's enough to pay for my camping trip next month, and if i save a little more i can also buy a bed over at ikea. good times! i also picked up some old horror movies from the library, so tonight i'm going to enjoy some schlock and go to bed early.

remind me to tell you about my cute librarian tomorrow!

ouch

ouch 2, originally uploaded by pinprick.

still crispy and burnt and bright red. i am the same color as my bra, which is unfortunate. i took an oatmeal bath last night, which was hilarious looking, but felt pretty good. i'm slathering on lotion at hourly intervals, hoping not to peel too badly.

also, i realized that lately i'm having small headaches, due to the fact that i can't see too far away very well anymore. right now i'm about 2 1/2 feet away from my computer monitor and in order to see what i'm typing i'm squinting. this can't be good. i also realized, however, that i have some pretty kick ass insurance right now, so i called a local eye doctor and made an appointment for next week. i'm excited about the prospect of new glasses, or at the very least new lenses.

i'm still full of sloth today, but so far i've gotten some laundry done and one whole box unpacked. i have a nice list posted of things to do today, and i do indeed plan to get them done. wish me luck.

p.s. my morning jacket? yay or nay? i picked up Z at the library, and it sounds to me like the doves, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but isn't something i would normally go for. thoughts?

reading notes

not having cable tv, and also having a roommate who doesn't make fun of me when i read, means lately i've been doing a lot of that. i was also lucky enough to snag a few early reviewer books from library thing, which i've been plowing through. i admit i haven't read anything too terribly taxing or difficult; both early review books i got are semi-autobiographical memoirs couched as fiction, all about tragic childhoods and overcoming them. thanks to augusten burroughs* for making those popular. i hate to say it, but if you've read one " i was abused as a kid and all i got was this lousy book," then you've read them them all. i really enjoyed the last chabon i read, the yiddish policemen's union, and today i picked up a new library card and another of his books, gentlemen of the road. so far i'm at about chapter three, and am unsure if i like it or not. i probably should have read something else in between the two, as a literary palate cleanser. all i can do now is compare gentlemen to yiddish, which is unfair.

my new library is pretty nice. it's not a huge building, but it's a cozy brick affair, in an old part of town. for the size it has a pretty impressive collection, as well as a reciprocal agreement with another local library; one that is very close to where i work. i'm anxious to try that branch out.

sometimes i worry i'm having a boring summer, but honestly, after the drama that was my affair with the fisherman, i am enjoying the peace and quiet. are you reading anything good? send me a line and let me know what it is. i feel a bit like i'm in a rut, i need to read something new and different.

*what's funny is that out of all his books, i liked running with scissors the least. i've thoroughly enjoyed every other book of his, sometimes reading them all in one sitting, but that first one just didn't quite do it for me.

extra crispy

tonight was my overnight shift; once a month we have to do inventory and for whatever reason everyone does it in the middle of the night. it makes sense because there aren't as many customers, or workers, so a few of us can go in and bust out a shitload of numbers then head back home to bed. part of me dreads inventory, part of me loves it. the day of inventory is weird because you spend the whole day relaxing, trying to nap, taking it easy and conserving your strength. today's activities involved reading, napping, drinking beer and laying in the sun.

that last part kind of screwed me, though. i swear i was outside in the sun for all of 45 minutes. not even all of it in direct sunlight! yet i still burnt to a crisp. only on my topside, though, because my legs are refusing to take any color whatsoever. the funny part is that i applied sunscreen to my cleavage, thinking about the skin there is delicate and thin, so while my boobs are bright red, there's this pretty, perfectly straight white line between them. genius! i also have big white sunscreen circles around all my tattoos, and my nose got a bit red too. my face overall looks okay; it's a nice golden color, but my chest and arms are impossibly, painfully red. i itch, i burn, and have no idea how i'm going to sleep tonight. clothes are uncomfortable, and my sheets, while new and freshly laundered, feel about as cozy as sandpaper.

i'm going to go fill the tub with aloe vera and try not to cry. remind me of this when i feel like getting some color, okay? thanks.

conflicted

do i crack open another beer and park it on the couch? we get one channel very well, and tonight they're playing steel magnolias. do i read my new book? do i clean up my room some more and unpack yet another box? i haven't done any knitting or painting in a while either, and i have a start on a blanket and a picture of conjoined twins i could work on. go to bed early? take a bath? eat some bran flakes?

so many options.

did you miss me?

it's been a crazy week in my life. true story. i moved, one more time (hopefully the last time for a while), had to deal with the fourth of july holiday at work (who knew grocery stores got so crazy?), and have been busy unpacking and settling in.

got the internet set up today. it was less than smooth sailing; my computer's ethernet connection is fritzed, for some unknown reason. i've spent most of this morning futzing with it, but to no avail. broke down and bought a wireless usb network adapter, which is working like a dream. the other computer will need one as well, but we can probably share one for a while.

my roommate is pretty awesome; she is actually one of my bosses at work. what should be weird oddly isn't, but i admit i do try harder to treat her like my boss at work. i don't want her thinking i'm going to take advantage of the fact that i know where she lives, you know? the only downside to living here is that my room is *little* and i am a woman of lots of stuff. the other thing that puts a crimp in my style are her kids. she has two, an 8 and 12 year old. the little boy and i get along famously, he is super sweet and fun to hang out with, but the teen girl is just that--a teenager. a very talkative, know-it-all, never-quite-for-a-fucking-second teenager. she's very sweet, don't get me wrong, and i genuinely like her, but i wish she would shut her piehole on occasion. they don't live here all the time, though, and to be honest i think once they get used to me they'll settle down a bit. i might not get all of my weekends alone, but i'll get at least two a month and that's reasonable. it's more than i got when i was living with ed, so that's something to be thankful for.

okay, off to unpack more and drink more coffee. i'm so glad we got to talk, i'm sure we have lots to catch up on.

aaargh!!!!

they were supposed to shut my internet off today, but luckily i got a few more hours so i can vent about all the annoying things that happened to me today.

1. last night it took over two hours to take apart the cheap-ass futon that's been tormenting my back for months. i needed to break it back down so i could haul it out and drop it in the dumpster, but it was such a ridiculously hard and protracted experience. it involved an allen wrench, a crescent wrench, a rag and a whole lot of swearing. gah!
2. therefore, only one full carload of stuff made it from my apartment to the new house. the disassembly also cut into my night of packing.
3. i called the apartment manager this morning to ask if it would be okay if i finished moving out tomorrow morning; because i needed help getting my bed downstairs and had to work all day today. they agreed, then asked when the carpet cleaners were scheduled to come on by. um, what?
4. i guess i agreed to get the carpets cleaned before i moved. also, the blinds. that part cracks me up because i've been here for 6 months and how dirty can they be? the carpet, sure, but the blinds? i don't see it.
   
5. the good news about this is that they'll take the payment right out of my deposit, so at least it won't be money out of pocket.
   
6. at work, someone called in sick and we had a new girl. this led to another 12 hour shift at work, which is always awesome for the paycheck, but not such a fun thing to do. plus, i think i did sort of a shitty job closing because i felt all antsy about going home.
   
7. the new girl was totally rad, but informed us before she left that her first day was going to be her last. what the hell. i'm glad she at least told us, but what the fuck?! so as nice as she was (is) i'm feeling kind of bitter about her.
   

now i am totally exhausted and want nothing more than to crawl into bed, but i'm sure there's too much to do to just relax.

tomorrow should be better. cross your fingers!

the boxes are going to kill me

i feel bad for anyone who knows me in real life because lately you have been hearing one of two things, over and over again, on repeat. 1) it's hot!!! and 2) i fucking hate packing. both are true, but there's nothing i can do about either. dammit!

my internet is likely to be spotty the next few days, since i have to shut it off and one place and turn it on elsewhere, but i will be back as soon as i can. the thought of no youtube or flickr or adultswim makes me nervous, but i'll soldier through it.

also, thanks for all the nice emails and calls i got the past few days. for the record, i do feel much better. and re-reading that last post got me nervous that i sounded like the meds make it hard for me to happy, but that's not the case. i think because i get the downs, my ups are sometimes higher than normal. on the medication, i'm still happy and sad and all that shit, but sometimes my reactions are delayed or not quite as sharply focused. of course, this is mainly true about small thing. the point is, when i'm all keyed up and freaked out i rarely have the time or energy to feel anything but DOOM and GLOOM and MUST DRINK COCKTAIL. i need to be relaxed to feel much else, duh. anxiety is like a boyfriend who is sometimes nice to you, sometimes helps you clean the house until it sparkles and makes you feel pretty and smart, and then pisses all over the bathroom and tells you what a slob you are. you don't think about the bad shit when you feel good, and then when it's bad you just worry it's never going to get better. the thing is, you just need to dump the jerk and take your pills. or get a good shrink, or whatever works for you. that was a metaphor that totally got weak at the end. the point is, the meds work for me. i don't want to have to take them forever, but i might not have a choice. for now, they work and maybe later, when i have a lot of free time and money i can invest in some talk therapy and go off them. i suspect i won't ever be able to do that, i might just be neurotic the way some people are blonde or have green eyes. i can think of worse things.

the one where i talk about being a spaz

a few months ago while talking to my new doctor i mentioned that the medication i was taking for my anxiety was working okay, but i wasn't totally in love with the side effects and would be open to trying something new. we decided i would try a different type of ssri, just to see if it was better or worse or what. since my very first diagnosis as someone with an anxiety disorder with a pinch of OCD (the boring counting kind, not the good holy-shit-you-can-eat-off-my-kitchen-floor kind) i've taken one, and only one, brand of ssri. there are a ton out there, and i thought it would be to my advantage to give another one a test run. you would think that just changing the brand of pill i take, not the kind, wouldn't matter much, but for some unknown reason, they all react differently to different folks.

i ended up spazzing out. pretty big time. shakes and insomnia and the overwhelming feeling that something was not quite right, that something was indeed, very, VERY wrong and just around the corner, waiting in ambush. it was not as bad as my last breakdown, but it's a slippery slope and thankfully i realized something wasn't right and went in and got everything re-adjusted.

when i was originally diagnosed i was younger, and my outlook was good. all the shrinks and doctors i saw thought i was just going through a rough patch and would only be on the medication for a few months to a year. they were hopeful that the ssri would help "re-wire" my brain to deal with stress, and that i would eventually taper off and go back to unmedicated life. it's been about eight years now, and all my doctors agree that i might be one of those people who takes the pills for life.

hearing that has been harder for me than the original diagnosis, which left me bereft and crying on the floor of my apartment for days. this has been a much more difficult thing to face. one the one hand, i understand that the medication makes my life more livable; without it i am a mess, unable to work and seriously lacking in social skills or grace. on the other, when they work sometimes they do it too well and i feel numb and sort of out of it. i worry that i'm not having authentic or meaningful interactions with other people. i worry that i'm unable to have long-term romantic relationships because i can't connect on a deeper level. i worry about becoming the crazy cat lady, or becoming a drunk, or freaking out in public. i never feel okay talking about this to anyone, and my closest friends, the people i love the most, often don't know what's going on until afterward. a part of me wants to keep this secret buried as far as it can go, covered in concrete then planted with daisies over the top. part of me thinks this is ridiculous and that i shouldn't be ashamed of my mental illness. i am, of course, and think i always will be. i understand, in a way, what my father goes through when people dismiss his cancer because he was a life-long smoker, i think there is a large group of folks out there who think that my anxiety is a by-product of a weak mind, that i'm just not tough enough to beat it back, that if i weren't such a drama queen or immature i would just buck up and deal with what life had to offer. i want to explain that i did try, and in some ways life without the drugs was awesome. i was thinner without trying. i felt happy in a sparkly way that is sometimes hard to recapture. sex was easier. i never had to worry about having enough medication, where i was going to get more, and finding a doctor who was (is) sympathetic and not judgmental. the downside was just that, down. when i could function i did so well, when i couldn't i was a hot mess.

i don't know what all this means, to be honest. i'm not trying to garner sympathy or get a whole lot "you're awesome!" comments. i think i'm trying to spell out what this has been like for me, to do what little i can to relieve some of the stigma around being one of the many people who takes some form of psychiatric medication. i've said this before many times, but i wish there was some test i could take that would prove that my brain is just wired in a way that isn't conducive to living a modern life. if they could show my brain's off reaction to seratonin, like a blood test can show diabetes or hepatitis, my life would be easier. i think i would feel less like a failure and try less hard to justify my choices.

the other night i was lying in bed, unable to sleep, freaking out about the coming day, the past day, and everything in between and i thought; if this life is all we have, if right here and right now are it-no afterlife, no pearly gate, nothing to look forward but worm food-then what the hell am i doing? do i want to live all jittery and unhappy and inside my own brain? the answer is no. i don't want to take the meds, but i also don't want to live a life where i worry it away without being able to enjoy it. i take a little pill every night before bed, and sometimes a happy blue one on very, very, rotten and horrible days. things could be worse.

ew, i got a cyst!

i went to see the doctor the other day because i thought my meds weren't working (true story: they weren't. i was all sorts of crazy, but now i'm better, and glad i have health insurance!), and while i was there spazzing out i added "and i have this weird lump in my hand!" i've had a funny crease on my palm for over a year now; it didn't hurt, exactly, but sometimes my hand would go numb and i'd have a hard time grasping stuff. now there's this crunchy little nugget below the surface, between my thumb and forefinger, about the size of a pea. when he felt he said, "ooh, cool." evidently it's a cyst, and it's been there for quite some time. it's either under or next to a tendon, which is why i have that crease in my palm. he was sad i didn't show it to him earlier, because now i have to go see a specialist for an outpatient surgery to remove it, and he wanted to do it. weird, huh? i got a cyst! it's gross feeling. i wish you could touch it, though. it's kind of creepy and therefore sort of fun. i made a whole lot of people touch it today, because i am that kid. i suspect i'll be the same way when i have stitches!

i almost forgot!

one of the other cheese specialists i work with is getting married in september, and had no one to perform her ceremony. enter your favorite reverend, moi. i am, in fact, a reverend now thanks to the universal life church. i'm actually planning on getting the fancy wallet card, just so i can whip it out when necessary. most parts of washington state don't care who officiates at your wedding, but i thought getting ordained would be fun, and good to have as back-up. they have some other fun stuff on their site, like the baker's wedding handbook (which at first i thought was all recipes, until i realized it mean "baker" like a pronoun and not as a profession), and this pretty pin.

i don't know this girl very well, but she does sell cheese for a living so she's already got one thing going for her. we've also already had cocktails together, and thus concluded bonding rite #1. i like her, and it will be fun to be the reverend at a wedding where no one knows me. plus, they're getting married at this sweet place out on camano island, and i am assured free drinks and access to groomsmen. because when she asked if i'd do it i said yes, but told her my fee involved kegs and being able to make-out with members of the wedding party. i'm planning on introducing myself as "reverend amanda" all night long to any hot boy in a suit. i'll be sure to casually mention that i don't belong to a celibate sect, and then ask them if they've ever made-out with a woman of the cloth. damn, this is going to be one sweet gig. who's your new favorite reverend?

to do, redeux

i really want that tatoo, dammit. you know what else i want? my septum ring back. is that totally absurd? i mean, i'm past thirty now, and haven't had my nose pierced in over five years, but i miss it. the other nice thing about it is that i can hide it when i'm working, and i feel like if i want to drill a hole through my nose then wear a ring when i feel like it, i should be allowed to. after all, isn't that the point of being a grown up? eating dessert first, drinking coffee whenever i want, going to bed late at night or etching a permanent "to do:" on my wrist should be a-okay.

to do:

to do, originally uploaded by pinprick.

1. pack up at least the living room.
2. make plans for moving my mattress downstairs and into the new place.
3. call my phone company and arrange my move with them. (done! but it took a long time!)
4. do some dishes.
5. clean out my freezer of random stuff i don't want to move.
6. get awesome "to do:" tattoo. (that might have to wait, dammit.)
7. watch more 6FU, cry a little, but overall be glad i met the fisher's.
8. drink iced coffee with soy milk and a tiny bit of sugar.
9. go outside at least once or twice and see the sun.
10. start my laundry.

rascal

at work today i served a corndog to a particularly handsome young man. he was a touch flirty, i was a touch flirty, and when he said, "have a good weekend" i replied with something similar. he turned and my friend tara started giggling and i said "what?" she said, "that face! if you could see yourself!" i realized then that i was probably leering a little when he left. you know, checking out his ass a bit, looking for any hidden bald spots, but nothing too creepy or obvious. when i realized what i was doing i blushed, blushed like a nice girl who just heard someone say "butt." we were both laughing at this point, and i said, "you know, it's just like realizing you were really thirsty." he was cute, and i suddenly needed a glass of water.

i haven't felt this boy-crazy since fifteen. i can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

beer!

note to self: the wine guy at work might be super cute, totally knowledgeable about wine (but in love with beer, and it shows), and treat you to his room of mark-downs before they hit the store, but he is dangerous. he will send you home with delicious beers and ales that are high in alcohol content, smooth to the palate, and not very expensive. he will stand there being all cute and funny and charming, but he will be married. he will offer you bottles of his homebrew, and then tell you about his adorable daughter. in short, he will be frustrating and wonderful, and you'll be at home getting tipsy on his beer thinking "are there more boys like him out there?" and "what the hell? how do find one?"

tonight's beer is Konings Hoeven Quadrupel; a trappist ale made in the netherlands. it's pretty much the only trappist ale not made in belgium. it's dark and silky, with notes of caramel and cherry fruit, a slight sweetness at the end. it's a full, round taste. most beers with a ten percent alcohol rating will taste like 10% booze, but this one is impossibly drinkable. more about it here, and here.

ugh

i had to work a 12 hour shift, which was, of course, LONG. we got another new girl who is a flake, and as usual i'm pretty much the only person who will stay late. the overtime is awesome, i love that part of my job, but i am super tired now. i'm having a beer and am headed to bed. good times!

i accidentally stumbled upon fur the other night while at my folks house; i don't much care for nicole kidman (i don't hate her, i just don't go out of my way to see her films) but i have to say, i liked it. i didn't know anything about it, and while i like diane arbus well enough, i'm not so obsessed with her that it upset me to see a fictional movie about her. i expected very little from it, i guess, and was pleasantly surprised. i had no idea robert downey jr. was in it, and at the end when i realized it was him i felt very, "really?!" i don't know, maybe it's because i love circus freaks, but i enjoyed the movie more than it seems a lot of other people did. i would watch it again. is that weird? did you see it? i don't actually know anyone else who's seen it. thoughts?

okay, i'm off to bed. i've been reading the yiddish policeman's union the past few days. lunch time and bed time (and spare hours on the couch) are now my favorite times of day; this book is impossibly well written. normally i'm a super fast reader, i just tear through books, but this one i find myself reading sentences slowly and repeatedly, everything is so well-crafted. i love michael chabon, have for a long time, but this book totally pushes him into my top five favorite author list. yiddish noir: not a phrase i ever thought i would use, or relish so much. it's a gorgeous book, i can't believe it took me this long to read. i am really glad i bought it instead of borrowing it from the library.

could this be my man?

his last name is pants. PANTS.

things i love about baby

part one million and two:

• she says "bless you" now when you sneeze. and she says it very seriously, with her little hand on your arm.
  
• she calls spongebob "sponge-in."
  
• when she wakes up in the morning she comes and finds me, and crawls under the blankets with me on the couch and cuddles.
• she lets me play drums on her tummy.
• when i ask her if she's my sweet baby she says "yeah!" like it's the most exciting thing on earth.
• she calls her head her "melon." as in, "ow! i bang my melon!"
  
• when she tries to say her name, margaret, she says "magret." kills me, every time.
  

there are a million more things i love about her, like her tiny hands and the way she's learned how to say please and thank-you, and her general cuddle-y cuteness. she's a fun kid to hang out with, and every time i get to see her i'm glad my sister moved home.

my whites need to be whiter

going home to my folks for the night. partly so i can do laundry, partly to see my magna-doodle, partly to eat their food and hang out with my mom. pop and i aren't exactly getting along, but we'll see. maybe he'll be in a better mood today. either that or he'll cut the brake cables in my car.

i just wanted to say i'm reading tricked by alex robinson and it's excellent. in fact, it's so good i'm having a hard time packing stuff up. i just want to lie on the couch and read it all day, but i know if i got to mom and dad's they have a couch i can use as well.

tv on dvd

the problem with me is that lately i only watch television shows that are no longer on the air, so i rent or buy the dvds. what's awesome about it is i get to gorge myself on episodes, watching them whenever and however i want. a whole season at a time? awesome! right now i'm all into six feet under, and while i hated most of season 2 (it was just really awkward and tense and i developed a serious hatred of brenda), i hated it in a good way. it took a good long time to watch. season 3 i am loving, and have watched almost the whole thing. i'm one episode away from it being over.

this is when it sucks to watch an old tv show. i have a million questions like, what happens with lisa? where the hell is she? does brenda really redeem herself? is billy going to go batshit again? what happens to david, does he date the new guy or get back together with keith? and russell, what the hell. i kind of feel for the kid but am pissed about what he did to claire. what kills me is that i could get the answers to all these questions with a few google searches and some time spent on imdb. the temptation to learn all the answers is fierce! i won't do it, of course, and no one give me any hints, but the suspense is killing me.

edited to add: (assholes! i liked lisa. i did a lot of crying during the last episode. i just ordered season 4. assholes!)

eeeeeee!

octo eyes, originally uploaded by pinprick.

do you see this? i've been working on acquiring this big pretty for a while now, i didn't want to say anything because i didn't want to jinx it, but now it's mine. it's a giant octo necklace, made by betsey johnson, kind of rare and hard to find. the cost to me was obscene, but honestly, for what it is, it was worth it (and not really that expensive, i'm just not accustomed to spending money on stuff like this). it's massive, it's shiny, and it's my favorite animal in the sea! after the past few shitty months, i totally think i deserve a little bling.

i got wasted with my sister, and all i got was this crappy hangover

start of blanket, originally uploaded by pinprick.

last night i'm getting off work and kind of slowly making my way out of the store, which i am wont to do. i don't know why, some nights i get the hell out of there, some nights i dawdle, like i'm shifting gears there before driving home. whatever the reason, i was totally pokey about getting out of there, and in the parking lot i ran into my sister and the baby. maggie wanted a balloon-balloon, of course, so i obliged my little muppet. while we're getting her a balloon my sister tells me they're going to target and i should come with. while at target she starts harassing me about just coming home with her to spend the night, she has no one to have cocktails with. i give in, we stop by the rez on the way home, and long story shorter, we drank most of a bottle of peach flavored vodka.

while drinking she gave me an awesome manicure, we ate frozen hom bao, and had this impossibly long, drunken, heartfelt and tear-inducing talk. this might sound weird if you don't have a sister, but while that might sound horrible, sometimes it's really good to just get blotto with your sister and cry your eyes out. waking up the next morning hungover and having to hear the backyardigans, not so much fun. we just needed to have a good talk, and while we're not always going to see eye to eye on everything (like her douchebag boyfriend), it doesn't mean i don't understand where she's coming from or love her any less. she's a grown-up, and as much as i want to protect her from retard boys, i can't. she's got to fend for herself. i did warn her, though, that i feel hugely protective of maggie and won't do well with anyone who doesn't just totally adore her and realize how awesome she is. i don't care who it is, i'm not even saying her douchebag boyfriend is anything but nice to her, i just needed her to know.

it was a long and fun night, followed by a long and longer day. i'm glad to be home now; i'm going to knit and watch some cartoons on adult swim and then maybe snl. whoo!

lazy sunday

book jacket, originally uploaded by pinprick.

oh i know, it's wednesday. i didn't do a lot today; nothing much but shop for things i didn't necessarily need (but love anyhow), eat a leisurely brunch with a friend from work, and then lounge in the tub reading the latest sedaris book. i wasn't the hugest fan of the last book; dress your family in corduroy and denim. some of the stories were great, some were forgettable. it might not be my favorite david sedaris book, but i still think it's better than a lot of other books that came out that year. in any case, i wasn't so sure about this one, but i saw him the other night on the jon stewart show and he was as adorable and charming and funny as i remember and then i just had to have this. that, and will is reading it and enjoying it! i picked it up while i was at costco and flipped through it, starting reading a page at random and laughed out loud. since getting it home i've laughed out loud some more and spent some quality time with it while taking a soak.

i'm going to miss living alone. roommate's are an inevitable and necessary evil for me, so i feel like i need to take advantage of this last month in my apartment. the place is needlessly messy, just because it can be. i take long baths with the door open while watching tv. i stay up until all hours of the night knitting and painting and watching crappy tv. soon i'll have to keep my laundry in neat piles, clean out the toilet when it gets gross, stop wandering around naked, make sure my dishes are in the sink and nothing too stinky is in the fridge. *sigh*

noodley goodness

here is my recipe for cold sesame noodles! (i'll have a photo later, after mine are chilled and pretty.)

you will need:

• one pound capellini or angel hair pasta. yes, it makes a lot, but the inspiration for this recipe makes about five hundred pounds, so be glad i could make it this small!
• 1/3 cup balsamic vinegar
• 1/3 cup rice wine vinegar (i like the seasoned marukan, then there's no need to add sugar or salt)
• 1/4 cup soy sauce (if you can get the dark soy, awesome, if not, that's okay!)
• a few tablespoons of sesame seeds
• sesame oil (how much is a mystery to me, i'll explain later)
• if you like you can also add veggies or green onions!
  

boil water and cook pasta, but make sure you are cooking it al dente. it's going to marinate in the sauce for a while, and you don't want it to get mushy. while pasta is cooking, get a big old tupperware container, preferably big and flat. add vinegars, and measure out soy sauce. while soy in still in the measuring container, add enough sesame oil to bring the total measurement up to 1/3 cup. that's why i don't know how much sesame i use! it's just whatever i need to get from 1/4 to 1/3! add soy and sesame, put lid on container, and shake the hell out of it. shake it like a polaroid picture, baby. when noodles are done, drain and rinse under cool water until you can touch them without getting burned. add to container with sauce, toss to coat, then cover and shake some more. you'll want to let the noodles sit for at least a few hours to overnight, so they can absorb all the saucy goodness, giving them a shake on occasion. you want the noodles to have a pretty even brown hue; they will look a bit like skinny earthworms, but that's part of their charm. if you use double black soy sauce, they will be even darker. before serving, add sesame seeds and green onions, toss some more. eat them, feed them to your friends, and brag about how awesome your cooking skills are.

day off

dog faced boy, originally uploaded by pinprick.

six feet under, season three, came in the mail yesterday. along with my early reviewer book from library thing! it was a good mail day. i'm trying hard not to watch all the six feet under in one day, but i might fail. i finished my dog faced boy already, and i'm not totally sure what to do with the rest of my day. i miss my folks, and should drive over to the island to see them, but DAMN gas is expensive. at the same time, i'll get lots of love over there and a chance to do my laundry for free and some time to chew baby's cheeks. hmmmm..... decisions, decisions!

yum yum

one of my co-workers grows her own chickens, and has been kind enough to sell me some eggs. this rules for a few reasons, the top two being that 1) they are only $1 a dozen, and 2) farm eggs rule. they make supermarket eggs literally and figuratively pale in comparison. the yolks on linda's eggs are a deep golden yellow-orange, the whites fluffy and soft. they are rich and delicious and using them has made all my recipes better. they even make top ramen better. seriously. lately my favorite breakfast is one small bagel (the mini bagels are good and always on sale at the grocery outlet!), and a hard boiled egg. the trick to making a perfect hard boiled egg, one without the green sulfur ring of doom, is to put the eggs in first with a pinch of salt (this helps seal any minuscule cracks in the shell the egg might have), then turn the water on to high. bring to a boil, lower heat to medium, cook for about seven to eight minutes, ten to fifteen if you have a few in there. when the time is up, shut the heat off, but don't remove the pan or the eggs. go brush your teeth, make a cup of coffee and some toast, and ignore your eggs for a few minutes. that part is harder than it sounds, until you get used to it. when you are ready to eat your eggs, rinse under cool water to make then easier to handle, crack those puppies open and sprinkle with a little coarse salt and eat while still warm.

depending on your eggs, your pan, and your technique, you might want to increase the time they spend in the boiling water, or reduce it. personally, i like my eggs cooked all way through, but a little, tiny bit gummy. i like it when they aren't entirely cooked through, but i love soft-boiled eggs too, so you might be different from me.

also, a warm, hard boiled egg smashed on buttered* toast with salt and pepper is awesome. not pretty to look at, but delicious.

*if you love me you'll use a real butter, like an irish or danish butter. i won't lecture you on why those butters rule, you should just trust me. if you can find it, go for irish. oh my goodness, it's the kind of butter you want to make out with!

here's the thing

lately i have been hating my body in a way that usually only teen girls angst about it, and while i love my bike, sometimes i get home late and it's too dark for a good ride, or i'll be out and the trail will be all busy and i'll get annoyed and not stay out long enough, etc. i thought it would be nice to have something else to do, fitness wise. gyms give me hives; the act of working out in front of other people embarrasses me so much that i practically burst into flames and spend the rest of the day an anxious mess, so that's out. i found a small stair stepper for the low low price of $40. i think that's pretty reasonable. i can use it while watching tv, in the privacy of my home, and i think it will supplement the bike riding well. a little variety never hurt anyone.

it's just weird how now i'm a woman with a stair stepper. i could, theoretically, just climb stairs, but i'm telling you, you really don't want to have anything to do with me after i've dealt with sweaty-in-public anxiety.

bored and boring

lately i can't bring myself to be even remotely interested in anything on tv. i also haven't been into watching movies. on the weekend, that sort of behavior is common, but during the week i admit to loving to veg in front of my tv for a while after work. what's wrong with me?

working on a dog-faced boy little people painting. i also had pretty much the awesome-est idea for a family crest that i'm working out as well. i don't know why i've been thinking about family crests; i think it kind of has to do with a lot of different people this week making a big stink about my english-sounding name. i say it's "english sounding" all the time, totally forgetting that i am, indeed, actually english. i just don't think about it much except when i'm in love with shows on the bbc and craving tea and kippers.

my sister and baby came to see me at work today! baby is still sickly, poor thing, and sounds hilarious. sort of like a frog baby, or a very old woman in a baby's body. she's got a little deep, raspy thing going on, and it's pretty cute. she came running up to me, doing that little hop-skip-jerk thing she does, and the lady i was helping laughed and said, "oh my! she's like a little character!" with her blonde pigtails and sing-songy voice, she certainly is. she reminds me of a muppet. i got to hook her up with many balloons, walk around with her, chew on her chubby cheeks and witness a real two-year-old tantrum. my sister handles them very well, and when she was calmed down we threatened to sell her to gypsies if she was naughty and maggie giggled and said, "no gypsies!" we said, oh, but we could make a lot of money off you, and she was like "no money! no selling maggie to gypsies!" i'm sure anyone who overheard us thinks we're awful, but it was pretty funny to us. i haven't seen my family much lately; we've all been sick and the last thing i wanted to go home and re-infect anyone or pass something new along, so i've been laying low. i miss my baby, though! i need some toddler cheeks to chew on or else.

okay, enough boring chatter. i wish i had more to say, but the lung thing and the antibiotics are both keeping me down. i'm tired all the time, and queasy when i'm up. good times.

super awesome

did you know achewood made roast beef greeting cards? they did, and they are awesome.

i love roast beef. don't tell me you don't read achewood, please. just don't admit it. just go there and start reading if you aren't already.

bearded lady

bearded lady, originally uploaded by pinprick.

i am on a roll. bearded lady started and finished in less than 24 hours. i think that might be a record time for me! i want to do a whole circus freak series, we'll see how long my momentum lasts.

the coughing is abating, albeit slowly. at least it's not as harsh as it was yesterday, and my tummy today is less riotous.

i feel kind of awesome.

framed strongman, originally uploaded by pinprick.

not just because i finished a painting but because while out tonight running around frantically looking for more paper i found this frame. hank the strong has a home!

also, my local joanne's doesn't carry any drawing paper. AT ALL. no sketch pads, watercolor paper, bristol of any sort. WTF?! i had to rush over to michael's and then i only had five minutes to find what i needed, which is kind of good because anything over five minutes in any craft/art supply store equals massive money loss.

working on a bearded lady!

on hank and henry

new strongman painting, originally uploaded by pinprick.

besides being whiny about being sick, i've been working on a new big top henry painting; this one where he is the strongman. i've got a thing for henry lately, and realized the other day that i've always been fond of henry's. my first sock money is named deaf henry (he has no ears), there's my sweetie boy henry (tiernan's little brother) and now my big top henry. growing up i had an uncle named hank that i adored too. he had a mustache, like big top henry.

in short, i like henry's and hanks and mustaches and circus performers.

gack

the doctor confirmed what i'd been thinking; i do indeed have bronchitis. that hacking isn't your run of the mill cough! the nurse said i sounded "croup-y" which totally cracked me up. i don't know why, but i really like the sound of that. i'm croup-y! like a fussy baby! he prescribed a five day regiment of antibiotics, with today being double-dose day. normally antibiotics make me sicker than a dog, which is why i'm reluctant to take them, and today is no exception. hello, angry tummy. if they're going to make me sick, though, i'm glad it's only for five days. talked to my mom and evidently everyone is super sick; maggie, who gave me this isn't any better either, pop went to the emergency room today because he's coughing up blood and convinced this is the end, and my sister caught whatever plague we're carrying around. days like today i feel bad for my mom, who gets to listen to us all whine and demand her attention. she should have never been so nurturing to us as kids, now she's stuck with us for life.

before the meds kicked in, i ran some errands. paid part of the electric bill, got some quarters for laundry, and went to the library. and here is where i act like a pouty baby: i wanted to donate my second season of six feet under, and their reaction was pretty unimpressive. it's not like i wanted a standing ovation, but something more than, "thanks, next!" would have been nice. they were actually sort of rude about it, and all i wanted was to make sure that the dvds became part of the collection, not given to the friends of the library to sell. i tried to explain that, and the librarian totally blew me off. no one took my name or number, so in case the library wasn't going to keep them they could give me a call, nothing. it was weirdly anticlimactic. what redeemed my visit, though, was finding a copy of young frankenstein to watch. that gene wilder is awesome funny.

okay, i have to go lay on the couch and clutch my tummy and make moaning noises. maybe i'll make some coffee too. i can't tell if that's going to make me sicker or not, but i'm going to give it a try.

on cheese and coughs

cut morbier, originally uploaded by pinprick.

this coughing is getting seriously out of hand. last night i had a coughing fit so harsh, so long, that i actually peed a little. yes, i peed a little. in my pants. oh. my. god. needless to say, i made a doctor's appointment the second i woke up this morning.

i say i sound like a deranged dog or barking seal, and you might think i'm joking, but it's the god-honest-truth. tonight while walking through a parking lot i coughed and some dog came leaping the his car door window, ferociously barking, then he stopped, cocked his cute head and looked at me like "um, you are no dog." i smiled and waved.

also, look at that beautiful wheel of morbier. it came in today for the first time at my store, and i carried it around for a while making everyone sniff it and admire it. it is a stinky washed-rind cheese, but once you realize that all stinky cheeses taste amazing you begin to really enjoy that smell. i understand crazy old men now in a way i didn't before. in any case, i'm going to blog about this cheese properly and then let you know where my cheese blog is. my goodness, morbier is amazing. if you ever run into it at the store, please buy some. if you hate it you can blame me, but trust me, it's delicious.

i have to go cough some more! and put on some adult diapers.

old tv news

it was after moving to anacortes that i discovered six feet under. i found the first season at the library, then bought the second on amazon, used. i admit i didn't get totally into season two, mainly because i freaking HATE brenda, but now that it's almost over (one episode left!), i have ordered season three. i can't help myself. the fisher family is totally addictive! i'm going to donate all the seasons i buy to the library when i'm done. not because i'm so philanthropic, but because it was lame to finish that first season and not have the second to look forward to. also, as much as i love six feet under, i don't feel like watching it all the time, like i do with say, the bluth's. the fisher's are totally engrossing, but the bluth's are friendly, and good to watch while i paint or goof off. the library will also always have my copies of six feet under, so i can just go rent them like all the other kids. i'm not elitist! honest!

aw, shoot

sometimes a painting just doesn't turn out the way you want. i just did a lovely watercolor, that i ruined in the final strokes. i was working on wallpaper; the color was too heavy and the pattern retarded. dammit. that's okay, because honestly i was just finishing something i had started, but i had an idea i liked better.

what a cryptic post. i don't mean it to be! honest. i'll show you what i'm working one when it's done. promise!

awesome fun

today through boing boing i discovered pseudopod; the sound of horror. it's a podcast blog, all horror stories. it's awesome. creepy and delightful. i listened to the sloan men today, and know i'm going to have a hard time not listening to the rest of them tonight. i also want to check out escape pod, the sister site of all sci-fi fantasy stories.

i've never been much for podcasts, i'm not sure why. i love public radio, and shows like this american life and the splendid table. that's what pseudopod reminds me of, old radio stories. albeit with a twisted bend, like the twilight zone. now that i've discovered these podcasts, though, i have a feeling i'm going to be hooked.

go give it a listen, okay? let me know what you think.