hootenanny

my baptist neighbors have become more and more annoying as of late.  it's one thing to reproduce like the fucking duggars, another to get rid of your tv and force your children to sing god songs all night to your ill-tuned piano and guitar.  i mean, isn't that child abuse?!  ugh.  i mean, i'm all happy for their "family unity" and "quality time" but having to hear jesus songs in my living room is one of those things i never thought would happen. 

speaking of child abuse, now that school has started some new television protocols are in place.  personally, i am very pleased with them, but until the children get used to them i have a feeling i'll be hearing more "when can we turn it on?" than i ever wanted to.  the rules are pretty simple and not a big deal; no tv before 7:30 pm, and no tv if homework/chores aren't done.  i love coming home to a quiet house, and i like feeling freed from tv's leash.  yeah, i'm a grown up and i should be able to control my television impulses but DAMN, who doesn't like coming home and making a warm spot on the couch while watching familiar and well loved sitcoms?  i think overall this is going to be good for all of us, and i think after time we'll stop being so hooked on it.  or something.  we might all go insane and the boychik might use his numerous weapons to express his displeasure with us.

how's that for some quality family time?  

(and yes, of course i threw a little party in my brain about the start of the school year.  i also came home for a nooner with D, which was delightful.  don't tell my mom.)

pacific northwesterly

you know what i love about living in the puget sound? that when the sun finally starts to come out in summer, people are just crazy full of smiles and joy.  we all get goofy and happy and say "hi!" to each other like we mean it.  conversely, this morning the first fall rain started, and i have never seen so many smiling joggers/walkers/runners out and about.  we like the sun, but when things go back to "normal," as in rainy and misty and grey, we all let out a sigh of relief and go back about our routines. 

school also starts in one and half days!  meaning there's the rest of today and tomorrow, then come wednesday morning, see you school age suckers later!  i jest.  a little.  i know the girlchild is excited about going back; she's been going through her new clothes, trying stuff on, picking out new supplies (she and her dad are out buying a backpack as we speak), calling all her little friends.  for her, it's exciting because she's kind of sick of hanging out with a bunch of people older or younger than she is.  the boychik is looking forward to seeing more of his friends as well, although less excited about school actually starting.  i think it's fairly safe to say that we're all looking forward to having a bit more room, as it were.  this house really isn't big enough for all four of us for three months.  we, along with the rest of the pacific northwest, are ready for fall.  ready for crisp air, pot roasts, snuggly jackets and sweaters, and the return of rain boots.     

aargh

the nice baptist kids next door (of which there are five hundred) are barking along with their tiny, yappy dog to the sound of their pop cutting down some branches from a tree. 

i really wish they'd stop having kids and just get a tv. 

oh, also

just a few random thoughts for you:

• i have decided that when i get my yurt out in the woods, and i build my outhouse,* i'm going to paint it to look like a tardis.
• i left an apple next to a bag of dried apricots for an afternoon, and then ate the apple.  the apple was like a terrifically crispy apricot, and i loved every minute of it.  
• reading Bizarro fiction is a little bit like watching someone else's dream.  you have to just go with it, and accept it for what it is, and then it's fun. i have also decided that it's okay to like some of it, and to think some of it is crap.  
• there is nothing quite as satisfying as a giant cup of fountain soda.  i've read more than one news horror story about the dangers of bacteria growing in soda fountains, and so for the most part abstain, but when i have one, i remember how good they are.  what is it about soda from a fountain that makes it taste so much better than soda from a can?  i bet it's the bacteria.
• i brought a book with me on this camping trip, like i do every camping trip.  it was something i picked up a few weeks ago, and purposefully set aside for the trip.  i like having something new to read, and this book sounded good.  the first night i realized why it sounded so good: i'd already read it.  the copy i picked up had a different cover, and evidently as much as i enjoyed it the first time, it wasn't enough to remember when i picked it up again.  i am a dork.

*i totally want an outhouse.  i know that's weird, but i think of it this way: i won't need a septic tank, or to be hooked up to a sewer system to have one.  it will be it's own little room, out in the woods, where a girl can poop in the majesty of nature, while reading a magazine.   

i probably shouldn't say anything

so as not to jinx myself, but i'm bidding on a button maker on ebay right now.  i have decided that i've wanted one long enough, i have a tiny bit of spending money, and so i'm going to try to win an auction again.

cross your fingers!  hold your breath!  do whatever mojo or voodoo you need to do to win me this machine, please.  

edit:  AARGH!  i was already outbid.  the thing is, the machine new, with starter parts, costs $250.  the way i see it, if i can't get a used one on ebay for less than $175, i may as well buy a new one.  i'll wait until the end of the auction, and try to sneak in a bid for $180.    

oh, camping

you never last long enough!  i have lots of stories for you, honest, but tonight all i did was fiddle with some pictures.  you can see the start of my collection over here.  today was my first day back at work, and it was a doozy.  i'm not really sure why i'm still awake...

home!

evidently you are never, ever, ever supposed to let internet people you are going to be out of town.  which is why you didn't know i went to the oregon coast until just now, when i got home. 

the cat is happy to see me, which makes me happy.  we didn't leave the house too big a mess when we left, so it was nice to see a living room relatively tidy.  i had a nina simone album and a bizarro collection of stories waiting for me.  we stopped at ikea on the way home and got a ridiculously good deal on a new futon mattress for our bed in the as-is section.   it was half off!  our bed has been kind of a pain in the back, and it will be nice to sleep on something with a bit more substance.

i am a bit weary from all the traveling we did, and glad to be home where i can put a little more space between myself and bickering children.  there is nothing like a roadtrip to bring a family all close together!  hee hee...  more word and pictures tomorrow.  i had a great time, but i'm looking forward to washing some clothes and sleeping in my bed!

dance party, baby!

i can't stop listening to this cee lo green song.  here is the link, but be WARNED: it is NOT FOR WORK.  or for listening to when your grandma is around, or if your pastor comes over.  or if anyone under the age of five is in your house.  it is, however, so supremely catchy and awesome that i can't stop shaking my booty to it and singing along.  i listened to the other song off cee lo's forthcoming album, and bought it on the spot because i liked it so much.  there is something about that man's voice that makes me dance! 

january wedding

if we get married in january, we could use this song...

these are their stories

how did i not hear about this art show before?

i am specifically in love with this needlepoint.  the kate beacon's are also lovely, and really, any of the ones that involve Briscoe or Stabler are all right with me. 

how about an overdue wedding update?

i know you're all just chomping at the bit to know what's going to happen and when, hee hee, so i thought i'd let you in on the current plans. 

the truth is, if i had my way, i'd find a cute dress and take D to the courthouse where fifteen minutes later we would emerge as legal spouses.  while the idea of this appeals to D's fiscal sensibilities, it does not appeal to his romantic nature.  yeah, it's weird that he's more into having a "wedding" than i am, but if that's what i have to complain about (and not, say, a porn addiction), then boo hoo, woe is me.  i don't want having a tiny, courthouse wedding to be one of those things that he regrets later.  i also really don't want to spend thousands of dollars on a wedding.  or rather, a wedding reception, because we all know that's where the money goes.

while D has agreed to the courthouse gig, i know his heart isn't in it.  i told him last night that i don't want to get married next month, i don't want to rush it, and that i think we should just go ahead and take some time to come up with a plan that will make both of us happy, and satisfy our parents as well.  i won't get my planned elopement, but i also won't have to parade down an aisle in a ridiculous white dress, so we're both getting more of what we want.   i think the best thing to do is find a cute little grange out here, set a date, and then rally the troops to help us make a wedding day we can all enjoy.  my sister and mom can do the food, D's folks can help with the invites and decorations, we can enlist friends and family to help us set things up, and we can save our money for a place of our own while still celebrating our relationship and family.

a few months ago i broke up with wedding websites and magazines; since then i've felt a lot calmer and relaxed about having an actual wedding.  i don't feel as rushed or freaked out, and i think i'm also a lot more open to different ideas. i think as long as we're all there, there are nibbles and flowers and the people we care about, the day will be just fine.  cross your fingers!   

want to come over?

because i have a house full of teenagers, mad max on the tv, and lots of "that's what she said" jokes.

if you are a grown-up, i also have rum and cokes.  

hey, guess what?

i am totally, thoroughly, seriously fucking sick and tired of being asked by the boychik every five minutes why has to go camping with us this summer.  um, here's why: BECAUSE.  i think he harps on me the most because a) i have already proven myself a sucker, b) i made the mistake once of trying to answer one of his questions (which you would think would work, but it doesn't! if you don't give him the answer he was already looking forward, he will harangue you to within an inch of taking your own life!) and c) we are still establishing BOUNDARIES.  sorry about all the capitalization, but DAMN.  some things i am feeling strongly about right now.

bio-moms, even if you have shitty, terrible, annoying teenagers, at least you got chubby cheeks out of the deal and delicious baby legs to chew on.  think of this when you think of ME.

yeah, so the answer to the above question is he has to go, because he does, because this is something we do as a FAMILY.  plus, he can't be home alone for four days, as he is currently being restricted from going out with friends because he never got a job this summer.  that is sort of a long story, but the gist of it is that he can have people over, but can't go anywhere unless it's with us.  needless to say, him being stuck at home is punishing ALL of us, but sometimes as a parent you have to suffer for your art.  misery transports well, thankfully, so he'll be just as mopey out in oregon as he is in my living room.  (dear friends we are going camping with, i'm sorry, he'll probably be a jerky-jerk-face at times.  but better you should find out how awful your children will be as teens now rather than being surprised about it later! right? i'm performing a public service!  it will be less painful for you to learn it from me than learning about this stuff on the streets.)  this answer to his question is, of course, not to his liking, and he's trying hard to figure out a way of getting out of this trip.  at first i tried reasoning with him, but now i just say "because!" and change the subject or hide in the bathroom, pretending to pee.  i have actually pretended not to hear him once or twice as well, which is cheap, but effective.

i'm really looking forward to being with friends and going camping, i just hope my friends still like me after next week!  and i do actually hope that i don't kill the boy or otherwise freak out the next time he wheedles at me and tries to worm his way out of a family vacation that he will enjoy, or ELSE.  

TMI

my period was a whole week early this month, totally surprising me this morning.  the good news is that this means i won't have my period while camping in about a week and a half!  don't get me wrong, a girl can have fun in the woods bleeding to death (so long as the bears don't sniff you out), but a girl has a lot more fun when her uterus is just sitting there quietly, minding its own business.  suck it bears! you won't be able to find me this year!

it's like buying a new dress!

man, i think i more than really like the new blogger templates and options.  see how cute my blog is now? still nerdy (thank you, book background!), but it looks way better than my home-grown, cobbled together mess of html.  i never was very good at coding. 

so if you are still over on typepad, and part of the reason you stayed was because typepad had great looking templates and options, now you know you don't have to.  blogger is free, easier than ever to customize, and i totally didn't make any money shilling for them just now.  in the few years i've been blogging over here, i've had nothing but good experiences.  you should move into my bloggy neighborhood! 

weirdness

i'm going to try to use some of blogger's fancy new post design and templates to spruce things up.  things will look weird for a while, but you're probably reading me through an aggregate, so you won't even notice! 

left on my doorstep

two books: my side of the mountain, and satan burger.

i wonder sometimes what amazon.com thinks of me.

oh, louie

how did i not know about the new FX show with louis ck?! i love louis ck! hence, i love his new show. it's terribly inappropriate for kids, though, so i watch it on hulu. it's a really, really good show. dry and terrible and raunchy and funny and sometimes exquisitely painful. are you watching it? do you love it?

while i'd like to stay home all afternoon and watch louie on my computer while eating crackers, i am instead going to be a productive grown-up. i have a bit of a longer lunch break than usual, so i'm going to go wash my car (D's car, technically) and clean it out. i love my boyfriend, but his car is full of crap and needs a vacuum, a wash, a thorough dusting and a new happy tree air freshener.

why i love cable tv

because you find amazing things like the american astronaut on the sundance channel. we were lucky enough to catch it from almost the very beginning. it's absurd and ridiculous and beautiful to look at and full of music, and i'm sure if i thought about it long enough and used enough words i could explain to you why i found it so delightful. instead i'll show you a small clip from the youtube and you can do some exploration on your own. i will say this, the girlchild didn't love it, D kept saying he didn't like it but coming back into the room to find out what was going on, and the boychik and i were entranced.

hi rocky!

we are babysitting D's brother's african grey parrot, rocky*, for a little over a week. she's a sweet bird, albeit a bit neurotic, but she's settled into her new routine pretty well.

i noticed yesterday morning that she's totally picked up my ridiculous bird voice. every morning (and afternoon and evening and whenever) i chirp, "hello, rocky!" like a higher-pitched ethel merman, and now the bird sounds like ethel as well at times. our new favorite game is, "who is rocky being?" sometimes we can hear D's brother, lower pitched and gruff, his sister-in-law with her sweet, tiny voice; sometimes she's the phone, "beep, beep, beep..." and when i hear my voice coming out of her beak, it just tickles me to no end. she says "thank you" at appropriate times, and "oh boy" when you come to her with a bit of banana, and every now and then we'll all be laughing at something on the tv and she'll join in. i wonder how much she knows what she's saying, and am amazed at how much like us she sounds.

i have to say, though, lulu is not impressed. she's okay with rocky most of the time, but once she starts talking, lulu is out of there. i think the bird making people sounds is just too much for her kitten brain.

*rocky was named because they thought she was a boy. then she laid an egg.

broken record

i was so excited to hear that anne rice was giving up christianity. honestly, i read probably way too much anne rice as a teenage girl, and found her conversion in the late 1990s upsetting, and her writing afterward boring. i liked that she was awesome and crazy and atheist, i liked that she was a different kind of writer and made vampires dangerous and overtly sexy. her books scared and thrilled me, and to this day i don't really take other vampires seriously (i think mr. sparkle-pants vampire is kind of a sappy dope). i heard she was renouncing catholicism and i thought "yay! we get anne rice back!" then i heard an interview she did on NPR and realized, "no, she's just splitting hairs about dogma." so sad.

i drove my pop's truck today. i have never driven a vehicle so large, and when my father was alive, the very idea of me driving his truck would have given him a small stroke. that truck was his baby, it was the first car he ever bought brand new, and when i was learning how to drive a stick shift, the notion of my learning it in his car wasn't even broached. being behind the wheel this afternoon felt awesome, and also left me feeling kind of guilty and giddy. it's got a crazy powerful engine, and is so tall; i felt like such a badass driving it. all i could think was, "man, i wish i could call him and tell him i drove his truck and didn't hit anything or do too badly." i felt ridiculously proud of myself, and wanted him to know that i wasn't even that nervous. my palms were sweaty, but not that sweaty. i hope i don't sound too much like a broken record, but i miss my pop. not because i'm a daddy's girl, or we had some fairy tale relationship, either. there were years upon years when we couldn't even be in the same room together; times when all we did was fight and i wished i had any other man on earth as my father. we didn't have an easy relationship. i couldn't even tell him i loved him over the phone, which is odd considering i end every other phone conversation earth with that. "i'd like a large pepperoni and mushroom pizza, thanks, i love you!" even at our best we were prickly. i loved him, though. when i got older and got to know him better, i found i actually really liked him. nights like tonight i'd do just about anything to have one more complicated day with him.

unfixable

the insurance company called me today and declared that it would be way too expensive to fix my car, so they want to cut me a check. the collision place (which i highly recommend!) had warned me of this the other day, and i'd done some research and decided that there was no way i was letting them give me less than $5,000. which means i thought i would get $4,000. lucky for me, i was seriously wrong, and i actually got more than 5. how much more i won't say (because we all know that's gauche) but DAMN. this is the first time i've dealt with a car insurance company that didn't leave me feeling like i'd assumed the position and they'd picked my pockets. score!

tonight we went to mom's house to pick up my pop's old truck. D had wanted to borrow it anyway to move some stuff around, and we thought if we went tonight we could make sure it was running. it's a good thing we did, too: it needed a new battery. the idea is that we can use the truck while we decide what to do with D's car and the insurance check. we have a few options; i can use the insurance to make both of our cars tip-top and save the rest, use it on just D's car (which needs a new windshield and some suspension work), we can sell D's car and i can buy myself a new (old) honda, or i can actually drive the truck and D's car can just stay like it is. either way, we probably won't end up spending all of the insurance money on cars, and i will be able to use the rest to pay off my bankruptcy early and maybe put some away.

i'm glad everything so far has worked out, and if you can get insurance through USAA i would say, do it. they were crazy nice and awesome, and i am so impressed by how well they handled the situation i'd switch over to them if i could. that being said, i'm sad my car is smooshed and off to auction, it's weird seeing my dad's truck on the road, and i am very tired from running around all night getting things set up. i should have been in bed a while ago, but find myself *up* so i might need some time to read before hitting the hay. what a strange week it's been!

hola, august

i hear D and the girlchild in the kitchen making biscuits and gravy. she is such a good little helper, she's like having a very small sous-chef. spongebob is on in the living room because once everyone got up i was a little self-conscious about watching lockup while knitting socks. the boychik is playing video games on his DS and rolling his eyes at anyone who dares speak to him. the cat is a lump on the cot that somehow made its way into the living room. i'm hungry and excited for both the biscuits and the gravy, and have a new pair of socks on my knitting needles and absolutely no motivation to anything beside some laundry today. hooray for sunday!

oh sure, let's make the dead into puppets

tonight we were flipping through channels and trying to find something to watch. i recently discovered we get TCM, and there's pretty much nothing i like more than finding old horror movies to watch. tonight i discovered quite possibly the most ridiculous, disturbing, weird horror film ever. for one thing, the main character is a MIME. he might even be called the world's most famous mime, marcel marceau. for another, it's called shanks. um, hello, but shanks are for stabbing. in this case, it referred to the last name of the main character (aah! a mime!). i can't even begin to describe how strange this movie was, and how thoroughly captivated we all were. i'll let you in on some of the details; mr. shanks is a deaf/mute puppeteer who lives entertains kids and is creepily fond of one young girl. he lives with family members who are mean to him. he uses his puppetry skills on the dead. a gang of homosexual bikers crash a seriously pedophilic birthday party. marcel marceau does a lot of strange, uncomfortable looking things to his body. happy carnival music plays during disturbing scenes. a dead chicken pecks a man to death. THERE IS A MIME PRETENDING NOT TO BE A MIME. it was terrible and wonderful and we couldn't look away. the boychik has decided that this is his favorite movie ever. the girlchild laughed at the most absurd bits, but seemed confused and sleepy. she also got sick this afternoon so she might still be under the weather. D made a snack and laughed his ass off. we all goaded and chided the movie, giggled and talked about how lucky we were to stumble upon such an awful film.

it's not on dvd or video, evidently. so if you see it on TCM, i highly recommend watching it. it's 93 minutes of...an experience.

step-mommy dearest

i feel like it's pretty obvious that i am not too confident in my step-parenting abilities. for one thing, i'm not actually a step-parent yet. for another, part of me thinks D has been doing a great job, so what's the point in trying to help? add to that the voice in the back of my head that says "being a step-parent isn't even the same as being a parent, why are you so stressed out?" which coincides with various friends and relatives that say things like, "well, they're already grown so it's not like you have to parent parent," and you have days where i worry that i'm going to mess the kids up in some irrevocable way.

the truth is, though, that i live with my partner's two kids, who will officially be my step-kids very soon. i also really like them, as people, as well as love them, and want to be a good parent, even if i'm not a parent parent. part of parenting is all about intent, i think, and even if i'm not exactly a parent, i still want to be an adult that the kids can count and depend on, and i still really want to help them grow them into being the amazing people they are on their way to becoming.

which makes the whole issue of discipline kind of tricky. it's already been established that i am way more of a hard-ass than i ever would have imagined. when i thought about parenting i always assumed that i would be a laid back, hippie kind of mom. i'd be all laissez faire about curfews and teach my kids to disregard social norms, while wearing overalls and combat boots. what i learned was that i am not afraid of grounding the kids, taking away privileges, or otherwise being a horrendous nagging bitch. i also stopped wearing overalls and boots a few years ago. the way i see it, sometimes you have to be a bit terrible, especially if you're trying to keep the kids safe and/or teach them something that will keep them safe/happy in the future.

tonight D and i had to have a little chat with the girlchild again about internet safety stuff. we tried not to scare her too much while also instilling the fear of god, which is kind of a hard line to walk. this is pretty normal parental stuff, and part of it just has to do with how the teen brain is wired and prefrontal cortex stuff. this is sometimes just a talk you have to have a few times, before it sticks.

i know at some point i'll stop second-guessing every movement i make with the kids. i have to say, though, sometimes it would just be easier if they were mine and i could stomp around saying things like "why?! because i'm the mom, that's why!" my mantra about all this has worked for me so far: no one gets to pick their kids. even if i'd grown them, named them, and could see myself in their faces, they wouldn't be any more mine. you never know who you're going to get, i just knew that right away. in the same way my parents gave me my sister and my family, my man gave me my kids. he just happened to give them to me when they were a bit older, out of diapers, and already pretty awesome.

conference call o-rama!

i love conference calls, and i hate them. on one hand, i get paid to listen to stuff my boss is going to tell me anyway while drinking beer in the privacy of my own home. i can blog while conferencing! on the other hand, for some reason it's very difficult for some folks to understand how to mute their headsets, and then you have to listen to their deep breathing or their MRI machines banging and clanking like a garbage truck having a seizure.

tonight's conference call is all about the "merit increase wage freeze." meaning, for over a year now, no one's gotten a raise. now, though, we are supposed to get them back! the freeze is off! i might end up making .36 cents more an hour! i know that part sounds sarcastic, and i guess it is a little, but honestly, i'm stoked that we get raises again. i've been with my company over 18 months, and have never gotten a raise. i also missed out on health benefits for over a year because my manager kind of dropped the ball. i think if anyone deserves a raise, it's me. for one thing, i had to physically remove a lady's dentures today and we all know how much false teeth freak me out. for another, this week i had to deal with some seriously stinky socks.

in also awesome news, the other car insurance company took responsibility today, meaning my car is being taken care of. the boychild fixed my computer, which had a password no one could figure out, so i couldn't update any software or download any new stuff. then tonight for dinner i made tequila lime shrimp tacos, which were delicious. not such a bad day, if i do say so myself.

smashed cars, trivia and fish sandwiches

today i worked with my co worker's autistic daughter for a few hours this morning. i do it every saturday and monday, and it's actually been a lot of fun. while walking out of their house, though, i was greeted by a big guy in an even bigger truck, idling behind my car. the first words out of his mouth were "i guess this is your car." i thought he was irritated i was in the driveway, until i realized that my rear passenger-side lights were all over the fucking ground. there's also a great big smooshed part of my car on that side as well. it's ridiculous! it's broken! okay, it drives all right, but it is still crunched and i'm still not thrilled. this is going to be a huge pain in my ass, and to top it all off, i don't understand why this guy had to back into a space that was three spots away, and smash into my car on his way. there was so much room for him! is backing out of a spot later such a terrible ordeal that he had to back in? while he wasn't terribly apologetic, he did already file a claim with his insurance, and tomorrow i'll check in with them and see what i should do. i need to find a body shop, get an estimate, and all that jazz. because i have a car with a one piece bumper, i already know the whole thing will have to be replaced. it's a good thing his insurance pays for a rental!

which is all stuff i should have done today, but instead i took a nice long drive with D. we had a delicious fish sandwich at the trainwreck, took a drive through la conner, played 80's trivia at the corner pub in bow, where i won a free chicken dinner. we'll take them up on that at a later date! then we came home, where we watched it's always sunny in philadelphia, and now i'm getting ready to call this monday done.

give me an "L"

this summer has seen a whole lot of this going on. i've been seriously lazy when it comes to doing just about anything but lying around reading, meaning i haven't been taking my walks or doing anything seriously productive. part of me feels bad about that, part of me is reading some awesome books and could care less. this was pretty much my favorite thing to do during summer break as a kid; read, in epic amount, just about any and everything that comes my way. i've read good books, i've abandoned terrible ones, i've plowed through mediocre but entertaining ones, and brought more books home than we have room for on the shelves. (to be fair, i do also have a box of books for taking to the thrift store as well, i just haven't gotten around to taking them out!) i need to get back on track with the marathon training, both because it makes me feel better physically as well as mentally. i'm a lot perkier and sleep better, and i've noticed lately my sleep cycles being all messed up. damn you, excercise, for having positive aspects that have nothing to do with making my pants fit better! right now, though, i have a cat and book waiting for me. aaah, summer.

facsimile

if i still had my facebook account i would tell you the following about last night:

1. D made awesome bbq pork tacos last night. he thought they would be too sweet and not savory enough, but i disagree wholeheartedly.
2. the girlchild had a sleepover that for some reason involved a lot of classical music being played in her room, and the start of "let's go to the bathroom together" behavior. i was in college and drunk before i took anyone to the bathroom with me except my sister! she is so advanced.
3. i maybe had one too many home-made margaritas, but in my defense, they had no high fructose corn syrup and i had a glass of water too. don't hate!
4. while i miss the ridiculous little posts i made on facebook, for the most part, i am actually doing okay with our breakup. honestly, i'd like to make my blog funny and readable again; not just sad and weird. facebook was fun in a lot of ways, but as far as writing that isn't all about my bellybutton and lunch, it wasn't doing me any favors. plus, i got sick of being told i should be friends with D's ex. i know we have friends in common, but we shouldn't be facebook friends, trust me.
   

SMILF

this post over on Yo Mama's Blog makes me happy to be a stepmom. or i guess, a soon-to-be-stepmom. because you know, even on days when i feel overwhelmed and irritated and eye-rolly, i still love the kids. if they ever move out of the house, i know i'm going to miss the shit out of them.

oh, pekar

i was terribly sad to read about harvey pekar's death last week. many obits and tributes have been written, but i liked this one from the wall street journal.

adios, facebook!

i've done it before, and i'm not really sure why i got back together with facebook to start with, but i think facebook and i are officially done. for one thing, i am not a fan of farmville, and yet you can't be on facebook for more than a second before it encourages you to play. oh farmville, how can a game be so fucking boring and yet so popular?! i don't get it. is there a secret to playing? if you do well do they send you weed in the mail? can you make real money?

also, every year i watch the ICP infomercial for the Annual Gathering of the Juggalos, and it never fails to entertain. video below is terribly NSFW, if you couldn't guess.



you know, i would KILL to find out what a juggalo seminar entails. are there workshops about "how to get a job with a hatchetman tattoo on your neck,"or "how to not make new little juggalos, a.k.a. wrap your dick up, bitch." "how to sweet-talk a juggalette" should be a seminar if it isn't already, as should "make-up applications for inclement weather, a.k.a. how to keep the clown face from runnin'." oh, juggalos! you may not know how magnets work, but you sure do know how to make me giggle.

not-so-happy homemaker

this morning i got up early and started cleaning the house. i tried to steam clean our couch, with D's old Green Machine, but evidently it's broken. the suction works just fine, but it doesn't actually spit any water out. grrrr. spent way, way, way too much time trying to make it work. it ended up just irritating me. then i tried to clean the rest of the living room, vacuuming and asking the kids to take their things out and away to their rooms. then i took a shower, cleaned the tub, the sink and the toilet, before mopping the bathroom floor and swapping a clean bathmat for the dirty one. i was annoyed by this point, and when the girlchild walked in and said, "oh, it smells like cleaner" i snapped, "yeah, because i'm cleaning."

i feel like an jerk now, but sometimes i get so frustrated feeling like i have to cajole, bribe, or nag to get any one's help with housework. i know for a fact that before i moved in, these people did just fine without a mom-type person around. why is it now my job to keep the fucking place clean? why am i the only one who picks up a hand towel that's fallen to the floor? how did everyone forget how to sweep? i think it's time for D and i to sit down and make an honest to god chore list, so that i don't have days like today where i get sick of living in moderate filth and act like an ass while cleaning.

sometimes i really just want to run away and join the circus, because then i'd only have a tiny caravan to keep tidy, and it's a known fact that monkeys will help for mere bananas.

i accidently stretched my ears

like most women in their 30's, i have more than one earring hole in my ear. my primary piercings, which i got when i four, are stretched to a little over 1/2 inch; 9/16th of an inch, to be exact. on my left ear, the second and third piercing holes are still there and viable. i decided i wanted to try putting hoops in there, and so i put in some older silver ones.

evidently this was a mistake, since my ears revolted and got infected. i guess now they just really like the stainless surgical steel they are accustomed to.

over on my trusty ebay, i found a pair of cute, plain, small, captive bead earrings in surgical steel. i ordered a pair of 16 gauges, thinking since i've had the piercings so long, that would fit just fine. the earrings showed up yesterday afternoon and i promptly put them in. five minutes later, OUCH. not "ouch" when i tried the silver earrings, it was the familiar, red hot stinging of a stretch. i thought i was having to push a bit hard on the earrings going in because an earring hasn't been in there so long. i was wrong! it's not a terrible thing, i just think it's funny that i did it on accident. i don't think i can actually stretch both those holes; maybe one, but there just isn't room for three stretched holes in that ear. my earlobes are only so big, and valuable property is being taken up by the primary piercings.* (you know, the more i write "stretched hole" the more i realize pervs are probably stopping by. hi pervs! hit the road now, please!)

i'm going to go sit with my boyfriend now and make fun of the golf channel. there is this thing on the tv right now called the "british open." have you heard of it? i guess it is a big deal. i am going to drink rum and talk about the environmental impact of golf courses until golf either becomes funny enough for me to tolerate, or he kicks me out of the room.

*i love calling them that. it makes me think of polyamorous talk, and "primary" and "secondary" partners. although to be honest, i always thought that was kind a dick move to give someone #1 and someone #2 (or #3). i thought the whole point of poly wasn't that you loved someone else more, just differently. like you have one boyfriend who likes cartoons and one who can bench press 300 lbs. both serve their own purpose!

i got bit by a flea

i got bit by a flea.
bit by a flea.
such a dainty as me,
bit by a flea!
goddamn it,
that really sucks.

i think it might be time to bust out the chemical warfare. the cat's fleas are taking over, and our hippie remedies aren't working.

hey, i think summer is halfway over

how on earth did that happen? the good news is that we're that much closer to kids being back in school...which sounds awesome to me. not that i don't love the kids, but, i like a little more alone time and a little less time listening to them argue over what to watch next on the tv. just saying!

although if i did tell you i didn't love them and just wanted them out of my house, there wouldn't be much you could do about it, could you?! it's a good thing i'm not a monster.

we're making a piece of meat tonight on the grill/smoker that my pop and uncle would have loved. there were two men who were fond of barbequing big pieces of meat, and knew how to cook and eat it. it's nights like tonight when i miss them most. as an atheist, i don't subscribe in the belief of an afterlife, but i admit to sometimes wishing they were indeed someplace else, together and happy, still a bit twisted, like the dead from beetlejuice. if there is an afterlife (just because i don't believe doesn't mean i'm right!) i hope those two guys are enjoying some bourbon and bbq, and cracking up at earth-bound shenanigans. i also hope pop got to see spain kick some world cup ass, even i could give a shit about fútbol.

just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to love their sports. it's true that i've taken to the UFC thanks to my boyfriend, but i still hate it when he slows down on the golf channel. my god, how do you devote a whole channel to golf? i shudder to think of the men who watch it.

it's hot out, my boyfriend is hovering over the grill, and i think i might go lounge in the sun and cultivate some melanin. hopefully not a melanoma amount, but enough to get some of the pasty winter off me!

not serious enough

because i've been knitting a lot of socks lately (see above!), i've been on ravelry looking at socks and sock patterns quite a bit. i've noticed that quite a few knitters do things a bit differently than i do. for one things, many of them match the stripes on their socks up. others who use self-striping or variegated yarn do it in a way to avoid "pooling," which is when a color collects at certain spots, making a little "pool" of color in an otherwise mixed up palette. i don't do either of these things. i kind of dig when the stripes don't match, and i think of pooling as just one of those things that hand painted or variegated yarns do. trying to fight against it is time consuming and sometimes futile. i like to think that i'm expressing more of a go-with-the-flow attitude that outright laziness, but i'm sure some serious knitters out there will furrow their brow at me.

i have to admit though, that whenever i see a blog or ravelry post about pooling or striping and knitters who make themselves frog row upon row of their work because things don't "match" i always want to leave a comment along the lines of "but dude! both are the same color! just go with it, man!" if you are a serious knitter, one who matches everything on their socks up, may i suggest trying to knit a pair where you let the yarn do what it will? you might be surprised at how cute your socks end up.

evidently i am more of a hippie than i want to be, and my socks never match up unless they are knit in solid colors. which has happened one time so far, because you know how i love stripes.

ka-boom!

i'm going to go to work and ask nicely for a lung transplant. the ones i have are obviously broken. case in point: the last cold i got moved right into my lungs. that's nothing new, i get bronchitis the way lindsay lohan gets drunk. OFTEN. after two weeks of all the hacking you could stand, it went away. it's been a few weeks now, and i've felt great, but woke up this morning feeling like midgets moved into my chest and are thrash-dancing. there's a pressure on my chest like someone sitting there, every cough hurts, and what's coming up is lemon-colored (although not lemon-scented). what the hell?! i don't smoke, no one smokes inside the house, i steer clear of crack cocaine and cigars, and this week i've eatedn a bushel of salad greens. what is going on? why do my lungs hurt like this? what did i do to piss off my body this way? i went over to every hypochondriacs favorite website, webmd, and there are a million different things i might have, and a million different pills i can take to fix them. awesome! i suppose if it doesn't clear up soon, i'll have to see a doctor. boo hiss.

ugh

i was totally sleepy and tired and hungry, and lamenting how chubby i am, so of course i agreed to go to jack in the box and eat a meal that obviously didn't make me feel better about myself. i felt kind of crappy before i went, and now i feel kind of crappy in a different way. less hungry, more greasy.

it's come to my attention that i am one of those ridiculous emotional eaters. i can tell because ever since my uncle died i've gone on about two walks (one of which was seriously half-assed) and eaten three veggies. i feel bloaty and gross and part of my brain is all "get out of the house more and eat a carrot!" and part of my brain is all "no way, dude, the couch is where it's at." both have a time and a place, but to be honest, right now i am not feeling very good about myself. missing my uncle and pop isn't going to go away, no matter how many cookies i eat. true story.

i guess i just thought i'd share. i'm sure this is actually kind of normal, but i need to shake it off. maybe by saying it out loud i'll actually do something about it.

things i do not care about

but seem to be news worthy and talked about a lot right now;

• soccer. yes, i know it's played all over the world, and the world cup is a big deal, and vuvuzelas are in fact annoying horns and not vulvas from venezuela, but it's still a sport. a boring sport where hardly anyone scores. who cares.
• the newest iphone. i do indeed have a macbook; my pop bought it for my mom a few years ago, because as far as laptops go, macbooks have a good reputation. i'm sure if i had an iphone, i would be all about all the cool stuff it can do. then again, i think the apps would annoy me, and since i got rid of my cell phone over a year ago, i've never been happier. i really like not being tethered to the outside world all the time with a cell phone. we have a land line, and that is more than enough phone for me. i'm really all for everyone just giving them up, or turning the damn things off on occasion. how many times must we overhear or have the conversation, "hey, i'm at the grocery store. no, just waiting in line." ???
  
• the anniversary of mj's death. yeah, it's sad. what's sadder is what a freak/spectacle he'd become, and how everyone went from making pedo jokes one day to being all "boo hoo" the next.
  

in other news that you probably don't care about, i'm doing a big old super-late-but-what-the-hell spring cleaning. stuff has been going up on ebay and amazon, and while i am not raking in the dough, things are leaving my house and for the most part the postage is being paid. my car is also full of stuff that can't be sold online that maybe some punk-ass teenage kid will find amusing enough to buy at value village.

speaking of punk-ass teenagers, you know how for the most part i'm all "my semi-step kids are awesome"? ha ha! i was so naive! the "you're not my mom" claws have recently come out. one of them has taken it in their head to become a jerky-jerkface pretty much all the time ever since summer break began. i already want to send both back to school. one is doing all they can to push my buttons and get some sort of rise out of me, both are spending way too much time arguing about what to watch on tv, and my lovely cartoon and email lunches have been ruined. for my part, i'm just trying hard to see these new developments in a somewhat positive way. yes, i am getting an inordinate amount of grief and sass lately, and yes, it does hurt my feelings, but i guess they must be feeling comfortable with me if they're hell bent on pissing me off, right? i am also trying hard to remember that sometimes kids act like jerks for no good reason, and even they don't know why. it might not be personal. it's just been kind of hard to deal with. no one wants to hear "if i don't like you, i'll make dad dump you" or "just remember, if i want you gone, you will be." it's a shitty thing to say, and a shitty thing to hear.

spinsterhood never sounded so awesome lately. maybe now that the weather is finally warming up, the kids will get out more, and take pleasure in something other than irritating me and making a giant mess in the house. someone in the house has fallen in love with press-on fingernails, and if i pull one more off my sock, i'm setting this place on fire. just watch!

oh, and i didn't win the button maker i bid on on ebay. which is sad, because it got up to $150, and that could have been me! i just wasn't paying enough attention. i'm not cutthroat enough when it comes to auctions sometimes. oh well, i guess i'll have to try again.

i think i need to buy a button maker

i've thought about it for years, i have a nice little collection going of 1 inch pinbacks, but i have a million ideas for ones i want to make. checking out the busy beaver button blog makes me want one even more, because i could do fun stuff like a button a day.

i spent a long time cleaning up my sewing/computer room. i'm not done, but it's a lot tidier in here. i got rid of clothes i wasn't wearing and probably will never wear again, i put together a box of books for the thrift store, i put some stuff on sale on ebay and amazon, and put together a pile of magazines to list as well. it felt good to make this space a bit more useable; it had gotten so cluttered just being in here wasn't that much fun. if i can get this room, and our bedroom, up and tidy, i might reward myself with a button maker. until i get things sorted though, no new crafts! or craft supplies.

i need this tshirt

i think i'm going to have to order it this week. just look!

such a sunday

i am being terribly lazy. the only thing i've done so far today has been brush my teeth and pull my hair into a greasy ponytail. i keep thinking about showering, but i'm not thinking too hard about it. D and i went to costco, where we bought way too much, and i ate a slice of their sub-par but inexplicably delicious cheese pizza. normally i make fun of adults who like cheese pizza (i make a lot of "what?! are they five?" jokes at their expense), but for some reason i seriously enjoy costco's cheese pizza. it's weird, and i'm ashamed, but i still eat it. D is now busy grilling something porky on the smoker, and i'm working on finishing a pair of socks for the girlchild.

i've also been doing my "homework" for the weekend; watching some videos about the son-rise program. my co-worker M's oldest daughter was diagnosed as being autistic earlier this year. for a while she just had a general special needs diagnoses, but after a few visits with a pediatric neurologist, it was determined that while she's pretty functional, she does have autism. B is five, and i've already spent some time with her. i babysit her and her sisters on occasion, and D and i go over sometimes to watch games with M. to me, B is a fairly normal five year old with a few quirks. she's not potty trained, she has a hard time talking straight to you, and is very, very shy. besides that, though, she's awesome. she's a funny kid, when she becomes comfortable with you she's engaging and open, and she's obviously smart. M and his wife heard about the son-rise program, which focuses more on loving and accepting your child, and going from there to work on behavioral issues, and have spent some time going to seminars and instituting the program in their own home. at this point, they are recruiting volunteers to help work with B and i'm the first. M says that already B is more comfortable with me than she is with most adults, so he and his wife are excited to have me help out. for me, it's just a chance to give M and his lovely wife a break in their day on occasion. i can see how B is autistic, but she's also a pretty ordinary kid, and i do honestly like hanging out with her. plus, i never pass up a chance to get to color and goof with any kid. i'm honored that M sees me as a positive influence on B, and it's touching that he and his wife are so excited to have me work with them. this is going to sound terribly hokey, but M is great guy, a wonderful co-worker, and i'd help his family out with anything i could do. it's flattering to be considered as a volunteer. i'm just brushing up now on some of the finer points, having done a lot of reading about the program as M acquired it. i'm excited to see how it works out, as well. she's such a great kid, i just want her to feel more comfortable in her world.

and while it would crack M up to know it, i've also been watching a variety of bad horror movies on syfy today as well. shhh! it's our little secret.

coff coff

i'm still just sick enough that one really long, hectic day at work (today) just took it right out of me. came home, made a sandwich, and passed out on the couch at the impossibly early hour of eight. took some more cough syrup, and now i'm headed back to bed.

rainy days

this morning at work i was reading a book i bought the boychik for his birthday (i know! i'm awful!), which is this awesome compilation of stories loosely written in a lovecraft style. i picked it up for a few reasons, one being that the boy has been into lovecraft lately. the other being that i am a sucker for anything ellen datlow edits. i never thought i'd be nerdy enough to say i have a favorite editor, but there you have it. i do, and her name is ellen. anyway, i let him read the first story before absconding with the book, so i'm not a total jerk. back to my story; i was reading, it was raining and i was drinking tea and thinking about how much i'm hating this summer rain storm we've been having. we had enough nice weather to get me excited about summer (or even a late spring) and now we've had nothing but deluge and gloom for weeks. i started thinking and i thought, "rainy days and lovecraft always get me down..." which i think would be an awesome song parody. if you want to steal my idea, go ahead. you owe me, though.

the kids get out of school in two days. one of them has a summer job lined up, and it's not the kid you might think. it's the girlchild! i know, crazy. the past few weekends her grandpa has found all sorts of work in his garden for her to do, and she's been digging in the dirt, planting stuff, mowing and helping out, and she's been making bank. stranger still, she really enjoys it. score! trying to talk to the boychik about his summer plans, on the other hand, is a bit like asking him anything about his personal life. which is to say, kind of difficult and involves a lot of sighing and eye rolling (on my part). we've already let him know that we don't expect him to get anything even remotely full time, we won't force him to do something that will make him cut his hair, and he can even pick up a volunteer gig. he just can't stay home all summer cultivating a laptop tan. he must get out of the house at least a few days a week. for my own sanity. there aren't a ton of options out there, i realize, but i'm sure we can find him something. cross your fingers!

16 years

yesterday was the boychik's birthday. he turned the big one-six. i admit i love having a semi-step-kid that age because when i casually mention my sixteen year old, everyone goes "no way! you look great!" and i'm all, "yeah, i'm a hot mom." hee hee... and while technically i'm old enough to be the boychik's bio-mom, but i am kind of glad i got him later in life. i would have been a terrible mom at sixteen, and the boy would have been named something crazy.

we also realized yesterday that for a few months i'm exactly sixteen years older than he is. spooky.

i have to say, i'm pretty glad D hooked me up with such awesome kids.

maybe get some powder for that dude...

my coworker mike, pulling a patient out of the bore for his injection: "how are you doing in there?"

patient, way too loud because he's got earplugs in: "my balls itch!"

rainy day bbq

yesterday we had our first barbeque of the season. we've had a terribly rainy week up in here northwest washington, but sunday was supposed to be nice. when we woke up, there was a whole lot of sun and my little family and i set to work in the backyard. our back patio was covered with the remains of a plum tree that inexplicably split itself in half at the end of last summer, and our yard qualifies at a nature preserve at this point. the grass is so tall you can lose a toddler out there. we have a path cut out to the compost heap, but that's about it. we got the patio all cleared off, the outside table scrubbed free of mold and gunk (that was my fun job), and the smoker/grill all set up. then the rain started! lucky for us, we have a pop-up canopy, so we just hung out under that all day. it was a small barbeque anyway; just us, my mom and niece, and a friend of the boy's. we still made way too much food, and sent some home with mom. i have to say, it's fun being able to send her home with leftovers instead of the other way around.

we've been playing around with our smoker, and probably will have a lot more in the way of family get togethers so we can feed people our experiments. so far we've made pizza, pork and beef ribs, and turkey legs. beef ribs weren't our favorite; the taste was good, but the ratio of meat to bone is sad. i love the turkey legs; they look all prehistoric and ridiculous, but a long cooking breaks down much of the connective tissue, and they don't need much in the way of seasoning. an simple overnight brine and they are good to go. my outdoor pizza technique needs some work, but the pizzas themselves were tasty. one time we made pork ribs with a random rub, and even though they were way too salty, they still got eaten, which is a testament to how awesome pork is. D found a website with a lot of modifications you can make to a simple grill like ours to maximize its efficiency, and we've used some of the tips. we still have some mods to make, but so far we've got a good thing going. maybe you'll come over this summer and help us try out a new recipe or two...

so much going on

this weekend was pleasantly busy. i went to the island on saturday morning, to go to the farmer's market with my mom and aunt (and maggie!). after that, we poked about town, getting ready for a dinner over at my aunt's house later. it was a very informal affair, and pretty much exactly what i needed. we spent the night looking at old photos of my uncle, talking about him, catching up. mom and i had to leave a little earlier than we wanted because maggie was a bit overstimulated, but i was glad to get to spend some time with my people. today was the formal wake, which was a service held at the local VFW. most of the guests came dressed in flannel shirts; if there was one thing my uncle loved, it was a well-worn flannel plaid. it was nice to look out over the crowd and see all the shirts. the service was short and sweet, and i think what made me cry the most was when my cousin's son crawled up into her lap and started kissing her because she was crying. i remember maggie taking my sister's face in her hands at the funeral and saying over and over, "no crying, mama, no crying" while kissing her. it must be bewildering for a kid to see a parent so sad. in all, it was a nice but bittersweet weekend. after the service, D and i took maggie to the park to play for a while before filling her with a cinnamon roll and taking her home.

in other news, important news, weird news, the wedding has been postponed. not called off! and this honestly isn't one of those "let's stall for a while before we can really break up" sort of things. i have some financial things that need to be sorted out (i.e. DEBT), and after a few long, productive, mildly freaky conversations, we both agree that waiting until i get that settled is for the best. i meet with a lawyer soon to start hammering things out, and after that gets going, we'll set another date. when we first starting talking about this, i was pretty angry. i think that's a normal reaction, and i was worried that this meant that D didn't really want to marry me. even if you're waiting for all the right reasons, and being prudent and responsible, saying that you're putting things on hold isn't any one's first choice, i don't think. i admit i was shallow enough to also be worried about what my mother would think, and my friends and family, but the response has been great. i still love D, i still want to be his wife, but i also want to protect his assets and make sure that we don't start our marriage running from creditors. taking care of this now also means when the kids go to college (and one isn't that far off) we'll be in a better place to help them out, which is important to me. if i had thought in college (when i accrued this dismal debt) that it would make my wedding have to wait, i might not have been such a jackass with my credit cards. although to be honest, in college i wasn't sure i'd ever grow up and get married, and i thought i'd have a job that paid more by now. c'est la vie, dudes. the good news is i have a lot more time to make all manner of crafty decorations for the wedding, and that dress i'm not totally in love with doesn't have to be my wedding dress anymore. i feel really good about our decision. in a weird way, i feel closer to D too. this could have been a gigantic fight, a clusterfuck of epic proportions, nothing but hurt feelings and pride; but we worked it out together. like the team we are.

i'm still here

you can be a crazy feminist and love mickey avalon at the same time, right? because i looove mickey avalon, but also rage against shaving my legs and losing my hyphenated last name in marriage. i can't help that i love his dirty rapping! i'm telling you, there's more than one 15 yr old boy living in this house; i let the boychik listen to "my dick" (which is just as ridiculous and raunchy as it sounds) and we giggled like dorks while bobbing our heads.

i made it through a week without crying at work or setting anything on fire. i suppose since it's only thursday i should wait until tomorrow to make that statement, but i like to live my life right on the edge of things, as you can plainly see. my uncle's party-which-shall-not-be-called-a-wake happens this weekend. i'l be glad to be wtih my family for a few days, even if it isn't for the happiest of reasons.

i didn't want to walk today (because for me grief involves couches, beer and long showers), but i have to say, it does me some good to get all stompy and hot and sweaty. my butt hurts, though. my legs seem stronger lately too, which is a weird and awesome feeling. i find that as much as i drag my feet and procrastinate with the exercising, once i'm in the swing of things, and afterward, i feel good. those endorphins health articles are always extolling might actually exist after all. shit, who knew shape had anything of value to offer a girl?

the waiting was truly awful. i spent all day today antsy and on the phone trying to figure out what was going on, but getting nowhere. i slept for shit last night (three hours! maybe four! whoo!) and after i got home mom finally answered the phone and told me what the hell what going on. my uncle passed away at about 8 this morning, with his children and wife by his side. from what i gather, it was as peaceful as it could be.

even though i knew in part of my brain that he wasn't going to get better, the part of me that was still hoping he'd wake up and be fine reacted badly to the news. no matter when someone you love dies; suddenly, or you get some time to anticipate it, you're never really ready, are you?

there are going to be too many women at family holidays now. dammit, guys.

after i got the news, i had a tuna melt with the boychik, then went to bed. i didn't realize how tired i was, and so i read and napped on and off until D got home. there won't be a funeral, per my uncle's wishes, so a party will be organized in it's place. i don't think anyone wants to call it a wake, but that's pretty much what it is. i would just like to hide out in bed for a few more days, but i'm not sure that's an option.

my uncle was awesome. he gave me my first real job, at his bead store. he helped me pick out my first car. he was funny and smart and had a wicked sense of humor. he was madly in love with my aunt. he was my pop's best friend. they met in the navy and cobbled together a family; both were far away from their own, but saw something in each other that they recognized. i don't remember he or my aunt not being a part of my life. they've always been supportive of me, and it always made me so proud that we got to be part of the same family. uncle john always made me feel smarter, and way more talented than i probably am. when i was a teenager, he and my aunt were the grown-ups i looked to for overt advice and guidance. you know how when you're that age and everything your parents say is wrong and dumb and retarded, but you've got an aunt and uncle who can say the same thing and suddenly it doesn't seem so moronic? that was them. when my father passed, my uncle was the most reasonable about it, and oddly comforting. he told me that he knew it sucked, that he knew i was sad and miserable and missing him, but that death was a part of life and that he knew my dad, and knew he was happy with how he had lived his life. he did shots of tequila with me in the kitchen and told me i was going to be okay, and i believed him.

i was okay then, and i'll be okay now, but it doesn't mean i won't miss the hell out of both of them.

this tuesday night i got a call that my uncle was in the ICU. that morning he'd fallen into a coma after his kidneys and liver started shutting down. what they thought was MDS and perhaps cirrhosis of the liver was actually a fast acting, aggressive liver cancer. there was a tumor that essentially shut the blood supply to his liver and kidneys off. it happened so quickly that he was only lucid and awake for about an hour after being admitted to the hospital. my aunt was worried about telling my mother, sister and me, and so she didn't call us until late that night. my sister and i went to the hospital right away, and my mother drove up from portland that night as well. the next day my uncle's brothers and his daughter flew into town from new york. we knew he hadn't been feeling well, obviously, but the tests he'd been having were all inconclusive or vague at best. the CT scans and MRI's didn't show the cancer, and he had some other health problems that probably clouded his diagnosis. at this point, he's as comfortable as he can be, and we're just all waiting.

the limbo part of this is difficult. on one hand, i'm glad i got to be with him a few more times, on the other hand, the coma makes it impossible to know if he's okay; i worry about him being in pain or uncomfortable. his doctors are amazing, though, and when i saw him tonight he seemed a lot more peaceful than he did that first day. the doctor doesn't think he'll make it through the night, his kidneys have shut all the way down and his breathing is getting slower and slower. this is just very, very lame. to say the least.

cancer can go fuck itself.

(and just so you know, mother's day was super nice. may made me a really pretty ceramic heart that hangs on the wall and holds a flower or note. it's terribly adorable, and the note she put inside just about killed me. awesome! )

honestly...

all this talk of moms and mother's day has got me feeling weird. i am not technically a mom, and the sort of mom i'm going to end up being isn't really very june cleaver-y. if i'd just gotten pregnant and had kids, though, would i have been an ordinary mom? is there really any such thing?

sometimes i'm sad that i didn't become a mom in a normal, getting-pregnant-having-a-baby kind of way. other days, i love the kids enough that i forget i didn't grow them myself. they both refer to me as a "parent" and that's pretty fucking awesome for a girl who was seriously plotting her crazy cat lady phase.

i guess when it comes right down to it, i love them and they love me and who cares if i'm not a MOM-mom. i'm okay. they're okay. we have a home we're all happy to come back to, and dinner is our favorite part of the day. whatever is going on, it works. i need to stop over thinking it and just relax. i forget that no one gets to pick their kids, and no one gets to pick their mom. we're not a normal family, but whatever we are, i'm thrilled with. yeah, i'm not a mom-mom, i never grew a baby inside me, and the kids have a bio-mom out there somewhere, but the kids are awesome and well-adjusted, so i'm going to count that as a success.

insert foot in mouth, remove, use to kick ass

oh facebook, you fickle mistress. i posted some wise-ass comment about sandra bullock's new brown baby, and how ridiculous it was they dressed him up in beads, because you know, he's not actually from africa, and my future sister-in-law took offense and sent me an email about it. granted, she's a white woman with a brown baby too, and i think she thought i was making fun of the brown part of the photo, when really i was irritated at the beads and the whole "exotic baby as awesome new fashion accesory" attitude of the elite/famous. her question was "would you have made that comment if the baby were white?" and i said, "if that baby was white, there wouldn't have been any beads." i let her know that (and pointed out that thanks to having a brown pop, i am actually browner than she might realize), and i *think* she's less irriated with me, but DAMN. i started the day on an asshole note, let's hope i clean up my act by this afternoon when anne and henry gets here.

in other news, anne and henry are on a train on their way here as we speak! i'm excited to have them up for a few days. i plan on stuffing them full of food, showing them around, crafting like crazy old ladies, and then sending them home with cookies. i'm sad my man tiernan has to stay home, but he and his dad are probably going to enjoy their staycation.

on that note, i'm going to go clean the house so i don't give henry too many opportunities to poke his eyes out with something sharp, or put something filthy in his mouth. he's a smart three year old, but my house is kind of a mess.

nope. no. nuh-uh. no way.

does anyone else out there feel an intense feeling of shame when people mention an ex? i dated a guy for a while, not very seriously, and long enough ago that it really shouldn't bother me that he exists*, but whenever anyone mentions him i'm all "NO, i don't remember that." fingers-in-ears, "la la la laaa..." or else i cringe and turn bright red and think "really?! i thought he was a good idea?" i can even be all myself, get an email from a friend mentioning said unmentionable, and suddenly i'm blushing and my stomach is churning and i'm just so ridiculously embarrassed. which i guess is just proof that some people look better with a thin film of love/lust/beer smeared across my glasses. i can't figure out now what i saw in them then, but give me a six pack and a sappy movie and maybe i can recreate the emotion or reasoning. (or lack thereof.)

you would think that at 32, that sort of shit would just roll off me like water off a duck's back.* then i remember that at heart, i'm still way more 15 than i care to admit. dammit.

*i know you've got an ex that infuriates you with their continued existence. i can't be the only one thinking "how dare you?!"

**actual quote taken from an actual boy i used to make-out with in college. he ended up being slightly crazy and alcoholic and was an early entry on my list of "oh my god what was i thinking?"

trust me, it was delicious

even though i have no photo to show you! this recipe makes enough soup to feed four people, if they have a sandwich to go with and one of them isn't a 15 year boy. anyone who has one of those knows that there is never enough soup!

Curried Sweet Potato, Carrot and Coconut Milk soup

• one medium size sweet potato, peeled and cut into small-ish chunks
• two small or one medium carrot, peeled and cut into chunks about the same size as the sweet potato
• half a small onion, diced
• one can coconut milk
• two cups broth of your choice (chicken, veggie or water)
• splash of olive oil
• 1 1/2 to 2 tbs curry powder (depends on how you like it)
• 1/8 tsp of cayenne pepper (or more if you like)
• 1 tsp cumin
• 1 tsp ginger
• 1 tsp cardamom (at least, that's what i'm pretty sure was in that bag! it wasn't labeled.)
• salt and pepper

heat oil in bottom of heavy pan (or your soup pan). when it's hot, add the onions and cook until translucent. add liquid (broth or water), chopped veggie and spices. cover and simmer until veggies are soft, about 25 to 35 minutes. remove from heat, add can of coconut milk and use your immersion blender to blend it all down until it's as smooth or chunky as you like. taste and adjust seasoning (the coconut milk will sweeten and thicken the soup a bit, so if it seems kind of salty now, that's okay! remember, you can always add more curry, but you can't add less.). serve with a nice salad, or my new favorite thing, grilled pita wedges.

so ridiculously good! i made this recipe when i came home from work today, because there was some sort of curried coconut soup at work today that smelled amazing. it was a little pricey though, and i thought, "ooh, i can try to make that." so i did, although i didn't make too much because the kids and D don't really dig on indian curry. that being said, they all ate it up, and we have absolutely no leftovers. whoo! that always makes me feel like a rockstar.

blink, blink

at the hospital i work at, there's a woman in our department that i always thought was more like me than some of the others. we're about the same age, we both wear glasses, she likes the same kind of music i do, etc. evidently, though, i was kinda wrong about one thing: she's pretty seriously religious. i was telling my mom a story about how i figured this out, and how i didn't realize she was a proper, god-fearing, church-going woman until just recently. what i actually said was, "she doesn't look religious." that made her giggle and she asked how how she didn't look it, and i stuttered and said, "well, you know, she kind of looks like me." mom thought this was ridiculous and i learned i'm not the poster girl for atheistic aestheticism. dammit.

here's what made me realize how different we are; i was telling a story about how i won a gift certificate to a local restaraunt on the radio, and when i called home to see if the boychik had heard me i found that he wasn't actually listening to that station. which was odd, because that's normally what he does when he comes home from school, and of course the one day i'm on the radio winning shit, he's listening to something else. that something would be the black sabbath CD i put in his easter basket.

"you put what in his basket?!"
"a black sabbath cd! it was funny, and he's been wanting some sabbath."
"that's not funny."
"it's totally funny! black sabbath on easter sunday? it's hilarious!"
*crickets chirp, stink eye is given*

when i tried pointing out that sabbath isn't satanic, i got nothing but a blank stare. but come on! black sabbath on easter sunday is comedy gold! jeez. i guess it's a good thing i know she's not like me, because i bet telling her about buying the boychik a copy of the satanic bible wouldn't win me any points either. crazy.

heel, toe...

i signed up to participate in a marathon today. granted, i'm only walking the half-marathon, but still. my name was (is) on some serious paperwork that says i will be doing a marathon. when did i become this girl?! what the hell is going on? i won't run to catch the phone in the privacy of my own home, much less run or hustle my ass with anyone watching. physical exertion in public is something i avoid only slightly less than peeing my pant in public. truth be told, both ideas are terrifying to me. i don't want to be known at the woman who peed her pants any more than i want you to see the weird way my legs bend outward when i run.

what made me decide to associate myself with a marathon is that for this particular one you train in teams, and you get a coach to help you work up to being in the race. which means i'll get help getting into shape, from professionals who hopefully won't let me do something that will kill me either with a heart attack or death by embarrassment. it also raises money for leukemia and lymphoma research, and i like the idea of not only getting in better shape, but helping out a worthwhile cause at the same time. i'm honestly surprised at myself for going to tonight's meeting; i've already gone farther with this than i thought i would. it's a nice idea, me walking 13.1 miles with a bunch of other people, raising money to help fight against a cancer that made my pop sick, and maybe getting myself into better shape at the same time. no one would ever accuse me of being terribly ambitious, especially when it comes to exercise, but i feel optimistic about this. maybe with three awesome things going for it, this is something i can stick with and do. perhaps i can hide my ridiculous gait in a herd of other walkers and runners, maybe in a group i won't be so self-conscious. i suppose we'll see!

while i'm here, if you do any considerable walking or running, what kind of shoes do you like? i started doing some research on good walking shoes, and was quickly overwhelmed.

a few hippie things

• we're going to give up buying paper towels. yes, they are handy and useful and all that, but they are also wasteful and expensive. there is no shortage of kitchen towels in this house, and so we're going to start using them more.
• there has been talk lately about us becoming a one car family. this scares the shit out of me for a few reasons, but the idea of spending less on gas, insurance and maintenance is pretty compelling. we could also use the small amount of money we got from selling one of the cars for savings and to get us out of some debt. nothing is set in stone yet, but it feels good to consider our options.
• D got some books about making his own awesome bikes, a lá atomic zombie, and now all we can talk about are making recumbent, low-rider, chopper bikes. (and trikes! i want a trike for shopping.)
• as always, we're trying to cut back on tv as well. i know, "why don't you just cancel the cable?" honestly? sometimes i really like watching tv. i have a few shows i really dig, and i like being able to knit/embroider/veg in front of the box on occasion. i guess i'm just trying to keep it all in moderation, and so far it's going okay.
  

what in the blog?!

i recently broke up with twitter. not that anyone, including twitter, actually cared. i will admit, though, it felt good to break up with a social networking site that i just felt guilty about ignoring. i kind of feel like doing the same to facebook, but i like that my future mother-in-law is on there and i can send her dorky messages.

easter came and went and we ate lamb of god, latkes, and too much queso. i know, it was a weird meal. having it in my mom's newly remodeled house though, was awesome. she knocked down the kitchen walls, making the living/dining/cooking area a lot more open and comfortable to hang out in. she's also got swanky stainless appliances, an oak kitchen floor dyed red (!) and a lot more open space. it feels good to hang out there. this might be the last holiday she hosts for a while, and i don't blame her. since pop died she's done a lot to try to make holidays feel "normal," but i think it's time she was off the hook. holidays aren't like they used to be, and that is okay. if she wants to be the hosted rather than the hostess, then i say yay!

mom bought me some cool books about wedding planning as well, which made me realize just how far behind i really am. i have five months! maybe i should get to making invites and stuff. i have a lot of ideas for things i want to make for the wedding, and one of the books has a great place to set up a time line, so i'm going to try to be more organized. we'll see how that goes!

(up above is the very first lino cut i've ever made! i want to make some bunting for hanging up around the farm at the reception, and on some of the flags i'm going to stamp some acorns. i hope. i have to try this out and see how it works!)

spring forward

i keep saying i'm going to build my bookcase and move some stuff around, but it keeps not happening. instead, today i got a lot of things besides that done. i mopped the kitchen, i did a million loads of laundry, i made the bed with fresh, clean sheets, i went to costco with D, and i finished a pair of socks. those socks right up there. they're made with the leftover bits of yarn i had from all those shawlettes i made. i would have never set out to knit these socks with these colors, but i wanted to use up the leftovers, and you can never have enough pairs of socks. never. what's sick and wrong about this, though, is that now that i've finished a pair i want to cast on for another right this second. my brain is convinced that my sock needles can't just stay bare for a night or two! no, i must start a new pair right now. i'm going to do my best to resist the urge.

the bookcase might not be up, but i did get a lot more done today than i thought was possible. i was kind of making up for saturday, which i spent all hungover and stupid. i am too old for hangovers. i really can't do anything when i feel so shitty, and i did indeed feel shitty yesterday. vodka and i are friends, but we might need to take a little break. plus, i swear my mom only comes over when i'm hungover and i'm beginning to think she might think i have a problem. good times! there's nothing like a mother contemplating her daughter's possible dependence on booze.

and now my dears, i'm going to don a pair of medical gloves i swiped from work, and see if the black light i bought at home depot will show me which of my yarns are covered in mouse pee. wish me luck.

we. are. fam-il-y.

"i got all my sisters and me!"

spent a lot of time talking with both my sister and my mother tonight. there's a good reason we're all related. no matter how much i want to think i'm my own woman i know i am both a product of history and a result of it. it's funny to see how we pass it on as well...especially with my niece. she's the best reflection of us anyone could ask for. a better, sweeter, blonder version of ourselves doesn't exist. our ridiculous neurosis are also evident as well; she actually told me tonight she doesn't want to visit tomorrow because she's "covered in pimples." of course, she isn't, but she has a strange version of her physical self. my sister says she thinks goosebumps are pimples, and there's no talking her out of it. i finally convinced my niece that even if she were covered in pimples, that we're family, and we want to see her regardless.

i found out tonight that my one and only, and favorite, uncle is sick. he's got something that's not quite leukemia, as well as a funky spot on his liver. he's sick, for sure, but in good spirits. it's early in his diagnosis, and there's a good chance we can all contribute a little bone marrow or a liver lobe in order for him to feel better. i won't lie to you, it's been a little less than a year since my father passed, and this news hits me hard. i'm optimistic, but i was the same way when pop got sick, and if there's one thing i learned, it's that you can't will a person to get better. i don't believe in much, but if you want to send out good vibes for my uncle, i'll be thankful.

whew

all this unpacking and moving stuff around is quite exhausting. i'm not even remotely done, either. in fact, i'm sucking at staying focused. hence the blogging. i did get my old dresser into my room, and clear out the dresser i acquired from a co-worker for the girlchild. now we all have dressers! except the boychik, who prefers his clothes in random piles.

had a follow-up eye exam, and discovered that the contacts, not my eyes, were to blame for the weird dryness. the ones i have in now are so much more comfortable it's not even funny. i just thought my eyes were weird, because you know, i'm a little bit of a hypochondriac. it couldn't possibly be the contacts, it has to be some eye disease that's gone undiagnosed!

while it feels really good to have my stuff, i do wish a had a lot less of it. back to the unpacking for me!